REPUBLICANISM SHOWN TO BE GENETIC IN ORIGIN!!!
The discovery that affiliation with the
Republican Party is genetically determined
was announced by scientists in the current
issue of the journal NURTURE, causing uproar
among traditionalists who believe it is a
chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding
for political conservatism, discovered after
a decades-long study of quintuplets in Orange
County, CA, has sent shock waves through the
medical, political, and golfing communities.
Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long
believed that Republicans' unnatural
disregard for the poor and frequently
unconstitutional tendencies resulted from
dysfunctional family dynamics -- a remarkably
high percentage of Republicans do have
authoritarian domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle.
Biologists have long suspected that
conservatism is inherited. "After all," said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common for a
Republican to have a brother or sister who
is a Republican."
The finding has been greeted with relief
by Parents and Friends of Republicans
(PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves
for the political views of otherwise
lovable children, family, and unindicted
co-conspirators. One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy on
hearing of the findings. "I just knew
it was genetic," she said, seated with
her two sons, both avowed Republicans.
"My boys would never freely choose that
lifestyle!" When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she said, "You can just tell watching their
conventions in Houston and San Diego on
TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant
demagogy, disdain for anyone not rich,
Both sons had suspected their Republicanism
from an early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it wasn't just a
phase they were going through. The NURTURE
article offered no response to the suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing not only genes
psychological and emotional attitude as
products of the same parents and family dynamics.
A remaining mystery is why many Democrats
admit to having voted Republican at least
once -- or often dream or fantasize about
doing so. Polls show that three out of
five adult Democrats have had a Republican
experience, although most outgrow teenage
experimentation with Republicanism.
Some Republicans hail the findings as a
step toward eliminating conservophobia.
They argue that since Republicans didn't
"choose" their lifestyle any more than
someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose,
they shouldn't be denied civil rights
which other minorities enjoy. If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical
stereotypes attributed to Republicans)
but is something Republicans can't help, there's no reason why society shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the
military or even high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their political beliefs.
For many Americans, the discovery opens
a window on a different future. In a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.
But should they be allowed to marry???
"Nothing is true, everything is permissable" -