Difference between liberal and conservative

A friend just sent this to me. Plain spoken, honest, and pleasntly humorous, just like my friend. My friend is a conservative, for those who are slow-witted.
Enjoy, despise, but read it. If you want, learn something.

Here's everything you'll ever need to know about Liberals and Conservatives:

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted
as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented,
so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that
the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.

Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group Therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in
baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.

Conservatives have principles; believe in a Creator, and the rule of law.
They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches.
When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as
the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have
no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and
give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG
government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the
difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal
from Massachusetts. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it
against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find
the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate
your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".

So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?

That was a very clever but one-sided and stereotyped opinion of liberals. I came across a couple of quotes that, I think, fairly represent the liberal's motivation and rational, and also the conservative's.


The essence of the Liberal outlook lies not in what opin-
ions are held, but in how they are held: instead of being
held dogmatically, they are held tentatively, and with a
consciousness that new evidence may at any moment lead to
their abandonment.
-- Russell, B.

Liberalism is the principle of political right according to
which the public authority, in spite of being all powerful,
limits itself and attempts, even at it's own expense,
to leave room in the State for those to live who neither think,
nor feel as it does, that is to say, as do the stronger, the majority.
--Ortega y Gasse


The true liberal is liberal in human relations and conser-
vative in his economics. He seeks to conserve a capitalis-
tic system characterized by free enterprise and the profit
motive because it is essential to liberty.
-- Carman, Harry


All great peoples are conservative; slow to believe in
novelties; patient of much error in actualities; deeply
and forever certain of the greatness that is in law, in
custom once solemnly established, and now long recognized
as just and final.
-- Carlyle, Thomas

What is conservative? Is it not adherence to the old and
tried against the new and untried?
--Lincoln, Abraham

A conservative is a statesman who is enamored of existing
evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wishes to
replace them with others.
--Bierce, Ambrose

As for their opposing, but necessary contributions to society:

A party of order or stability, and a party of progress or
reform, are both necessary elements of a healthy state of
political life.
-- Mill, John S.

The old parties are husks, with no real soul within ei-
ther, divided on artificial lines, boss-ridden and privi-
lege-controlled, each a jumble of incongruous elements,
and neither daring to speak out wisely and fearlessly what
should be said on the vital issues of the day.
-- Roosevelt, T.

The common misconception is that all liberals are athiest socialists. That is not the case. All liberals are not pinko commies or the like, any more than all conservatives are facist nazies. Both sides have members within their party that could be labeled as communists and facists, but many more people fall nowhere near either of those extremes.

If you are drowning 100 meters out in a lake, a conservative will throw you 75 meters of rope, with the conviction that making you swim the extra 25 will build your character.

A Liberal will throw you 200 meters, drop the rope, and go help the next guy.

DeltaChaos

It was humorous. But what exactly were we supposed to learn?...

They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.

They also provide guns to foreign liberals who they know, sooner or later, will become their enemies, and then will have to take the guns away from them.

When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.

Who are shooting at them with the guns they sold them in the first place.

I�ll overlook the chemical and biological substances, engineered for warfare, sold by conservatives to those who are now our enemies, that the conservatives also choose to overlook.

DeltaChaos

[Edited on 17-3-2004 by DeltaChaos]

Difference between liberal and conservative

One wants to take your bong and is WAY to concerened with your sex life and the other wants to take your money and guns.

I say screw them both

Thorfin, you need not learn anything, that comment was aimed at others. But you know how they are, they won't even realize they need to learn anything!

DC, may I remind you of a little thing called the Cold War? See, alot of stuff got sold, and alot of assistance was rendered to groups that weren't necessarily our friends, but they were against a far greater common enemy. Sure, things didn't work perfectly, and sure, the U.S. knew there'd be other problems with which to contend, but there are times you have to deal with problems as they come.

Jez, I agree that the piece was kind of poorly written, but still, it had some very good points and a whole bunch of humor. I appreciate your contribution, those were some very good quotes!

Originally posted by Amuk

Difference between liberal and conservative

One wants to take your bong and is WAY to concerened with your sex life and the other wants to take your money and guns.

I say screw them both

Or you could say both parties want to stick their nose in everybody's business and make people dependant on them. Both parties want big government so they can be in control of your lives.

I say small government neither cons or lib, but restore the power back to the people.
We should of never let the government get away with how much they have. Now they think they can prance around and do whatever they want because they know we've given them what they've wanted by just sitting by and letting them get away with it. BOTH lib and con are to blame.
This whole country is to blame. Admit it, neither party is better then the other ethically and lawfully speaking.

Both corrupt, slimey and they are all way beyond pond scum.

Admit it, neither party is better then the other ethically and lawfully speaking.

Amen.

But I think he was not talking about the two parties, hell I cant tell the difference between them any more.

I think he was talking about Lib vs Con, which today has pretty much nothing to do with which party you belong to.

I'm keeping a copy of it and sending it to all my hippie friends.

TC, do you know where your friend got that?

DC

Gotta disagree with that TC. Not really good points...but good humor and some really good quotes. Especially when he said Hitler was a liberal when it is clear he wasn't...

is that conservatives look at each issue individually and have a hard time connecting the dots from one issue to another.

Liberals try at times to form too many dots with to many connections.

What I always think is hilarious is the conservatives get on the liberals for wanting government to handle problems and speak of individual responsibility.

Conservatives then go around wanting to amend the Constitution on many issues. Thus in reality they want the government to handle these issues and to hell with individual responsibility and the answering to the creator. They are truly a funny lot.

Most want wars fought as long as it is not them or their sons fighting them. I guess this is their way of killing off the liberals?

Vet for Kerry.

Neo-Conservative: A pro-lifer that wants to save a fetus and kill liberals, they want a gun in every home and they support the death penalty. They don't want anything to do with you from birth until you reach military age. Then you are their best friend, because they always want to start a war somewhere. They think humans can live without trees and that we are not a threat to our own existance.

Liberal: A pussified person that wants their own little world to be safe, by focusing on the problems that affect them at the moment. The constitution is an untouchable document in their eyes. They have a blind faith in their leaders. And they seem to think that by donating to a charity or not stepping on an ant makes them good people.

Very narrow-minded view of both types, but this is the mut pit, so I don't care.

I wonder though. If cutting down trees, suddenly, somehow, became a detriment to neo-conservative's means of making money, just how quick would trees become protected by law?...

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented,
so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.

LOL, I loved it.
Nothing like going out,getting a job,making your own money,and having a bunch of lazy,long haired,tree huggers trying to take it. Or try to guilt you into giving it up. And the really sad part is there a ton of politicians that support that line of thought. Mostly because they get campain donations,and other gifts, to pay there way so they never really have to work. Just sit around and try to figure out more ways to tax my paycheck into oblivion.

No, DC, the email didn't have any url or anything attached. Sorry.

Nyeff, it is obvious that conservatism is the way to be, historically speaking, as this proves that Ben Franklin was a conservative. Ben said, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!"

Being conservative is the way to be? Thomas, you poor human...

What pisses me off is people seem to have forgotten that this country was built by people who were go getters. It was built by the sweat and blood of people who wanted something better for themselves and loved ones. They did not moan and groan about having to put food on the table,clothes on their children,paying whatever bills they may have.
I chuckle to myself when I think about a lot of liberal types, actually having to survive,on their own,even as little as 50 years ago. There is no way they could manage. Your not going to find a lot of handouts in the woods,if you needed to hunt for food. You would not be able to bitch to someone about affordable housing. You would be laughed out of town.
I think life has just gotten too good and easy for us. And the fallout of that is a bunch of people who want something for nothing. Hell, they expect it to be that way. It will make us a weaker and needier nation.


[Edited on 3/18/2004 by nyeff]

This nation was also founded by a group of slave owners who said all men are created equal.

Go getters are who got this country going. Not gun toting, pro-life, pro-death penalty, anti-welfare, anti-enviroment, hypocritcal jackasses...

Well they carried guns,most of them built there own homes,bought or hunted there own food. Welfare....blah....get rid of it. It is such an abused system. Stand on your two feet,get a job, and stop pissing and moaning about not having anything. I work 2 jobs. Or 60+ hours a week. Which gives me the right,too be pissed of a freeloaders. I refuse to suck off the system,beg for money,or whine about anything. Its called being a man.

Yeah,slaves were used for a period of time in America. They were also used by every other country and culture at some point in time. Its funny how the issue of slavery is only brought by Americans. Guess we have it so good,that we can take the time to reflect on the past.
Of course I prefer to reflect in my own house,that we(wife and myself) pay for. Not on a street corner wondering why nobody will give me a house.

Originally posted by nyeff
Well they carried guns,most of them built there own homes,bought or hunted there own food.

Yeah. When you NEEDED guns to hunt for your food. Guns aren't really a necessity when it comes to food in this country. And we didn't exactly have housing contractors back in the day as we do now.

Welfare....blah....get rid of it. It is such an abused system. Stand on your two feet,get a job, and stop pissing and moaning about not having anything. I work 2 jobs. Or 60+ hours a week. Which gives me the right,too be pissed of a freeloaders. I refuse to suck off the system,beg for money,or whine about anything. Its called being a man.

What about the disabled? The elderly? Your comments above are what make me hate conservatives. Your narrow-mindedness and utter lack of concern for anyone but yourself.

See. Here you assume that those that do not have the basic needs such as a house, job and so on are somehow bumming off the system, when you refuse to look at MANY of the factors involved.

Have you ever seen a person 70+ years of age homeless and in need of help because thier vitality has been utterly spent at a job for 20-30 years, only to be downsized for the sake of an executives paycheck.

What of those on the verge of retirement that lost all of their 401(k) savings when Enron came crashing down?

What of those that have worked their entire lives and fall prey to a disabling disease or injury?

Screw them because you have two jobs and you don't think anyone deserves help.

Yeah,slaves were used for a period of time in America. They were also used by every other country and culture at some point in time. Its funny how the issue of slavery is only brought by Americans. Guess we have it so good,that we can take the time to reflect on the past.
Of course I prefer to reflect in my own house,that we(wife and myself) pay for. Not on a street corner wondering why nobody will give me a house.

Who cares if they were used by other countries. We are talking about this country. What other past should we reflect upon than our own? Ya know that saying, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. You want a slavery repeat? Does slavery sound like a good idea to you?...


[Edited on 18-3-2004 by Thorfinn Skullsplitter]