Parents Not Parenting, Are You Guilty??

reply to post by amatrine


Yes I remember "field day" or the "finals" day of whatever sport we all happened to play....

Without helmets even! I remember the first day I ever got beaned in the face with a direct hit to the nose, being the pitcher, in a NEIGHBORHOOD game, not even an organized TEAM game....I wore those two black eyes proudly like a badge of courage Because a 17 year old guy hit a line drive at my face...back when girls USED to play REAL baseball, not softball, with the guys!

I wasn't the last picked at dodgeball??? But if I had been? I would have made sure that I could sear the next loser directly in the nose with those rubbery red gym balls we all know lol....hence, I wouldn't have been last picked the next time!

reply to post by LateApexer313


A lot of it has more to do with parental guilt. Parents don't know how to talk to their children. They sacrifice their family by sticking their children in institutional daycare at 12 weeks old, claiming they have to work. When they are living in a huge house, tivo, brand new cars, and fancy vacations to Disney world.

They are basically absentee parents who give kids everything to make up for not being parents.

Children need only three things: LOVE, Food, and a roof.everything else is a bonus.

I have heard people look down on those whose children have to share rooms, as if it is a bad thing.

But what parents lack in time they make up in material values.

narcissism does not stem from self love. Narcissism stems from feelings of despair and worthlessness.

npd, or narcisstic personality disorder, is usually developed before the age of five, by trauma, or one or both parents being absent or emotionally drawn.Someone with npd constantly makes them selves the center of the universe because it is an alter ego they develope and feed to avoid the aforementioned feelings. They have to be the center of the universe, they are never wrong, they are perfect, they need constant adoration and cannot handle critism. Anything less affirms their true feelings and sends them in a spiral.
What narcissism really is was someone who suffered emotional neglect.

It is sad, I see children who have no idea how to socialize or become a part of a group because they either spend their time with strangers or one parent.

Parents have to learn that parenting isn't leapfrog, Disney, big tvs or gap, and the latest Gucci diaper bag. It is providing security, love.


Because the parents are so self absorbed, by only worrying about what is really good for them under the guise that it is a good for their children, they have created total emotionally defunct people.


Children reflect the upbringing they receive.


But there is a culture backlash. People are valuing their children again. Parents are now starting to sacrifice to stay home. They are breastfeeding and co-sleeping. It is slow, but it is coming.

I do kind of understand the schools theory that if you harp on grammer and spelling too much, that it inhibits a child's desire to write.
Everything in moderation.

What did my school do?

Have spelling and writing seperate.

reply to post by gallopinghordes


Gallopinghordes,

Your refreshing honesty, and your goodness radiate from your post Please take some time to applaud yourself on the back, at what a wonderful job you have done with your daughter who I am sure loves you more then M & Ms

Kids will never turn on you, for having a lack of funds to fuel their ego-centric drive for keeping up with the Joneses. IF you have instilled in them a sense of humanity and fairness. They will NOT hate you because you tell them no, or you tell them honestly and with completely sincere intentions, "We can't afford that, I wish we could, but if you get a small part time job, you can buy it for yourself."

Galloping, any of us girls would be honored to have been raised by a sweet Dad like you...who molded your child with complete love, caring, understanding and a bold sense of reality! You are a shining example of Fatherhood

I have 2 kids....

1 9 and 1 8..

They don't get new clothes except maybe 2 school outfits a school yr.. They have never had name brand crap on them.. All of thier stuff is bought at goodwill or Kmart.. (screw Walmart)..

Anyway If my kids get way out of line they get an ass beating.. They know respect and all that cool parenting stuff we were brought up on...

I agree kids today are bad, no respect, think they know all, and just plain asshats..

I give u something.. I was at the store wit the 2 kid and this lady I had no clue who she was came up to me and said this..

"Hey I wanted to tell you how respectful you kid was to me. I seen him at the park and he was so nice and helpful I had to make sure he was actually a kid and not an adult."

So to you parents who are afriad of giving a smackdown once in a while, dont worry about it..

As was told by me by someone in CYS, Its legal to hit your kids, just as long as you don't leave marks.

Well, as a new father, that was born in the 1980's, I am completely and utterly offended by this.

Not the OP, but the fact that my generation is so full of little whiney babies that get everything handed to them upto and including their education. I am sorry but when my son goes to school and gets his first writting assignment sent home with a gold star and a great job written on it, sure I will be proud. Next I will go get my own little red pen and give him a real grade.

After this I will politely call this teacher and ask her if she infact knows how to spell banana. If she gives me the whole creativity load of crap I will be instantly removing my son from the public education system.

Creativity is one thing, but breeding a nation of complete morons is quite another.

Creativity is great. I consider myself to be a creative person. But at the same time I also had to learn how to spell it.

Heres to a bold new world of "Speeshal cheeldren that no how to spell good"

Boo to you public educators. Boo

reply to post by LateApexer313


I was also born in '61, and challenge my children, nieces and nephews to type full words in all messaging.

My niece had the nerve to say to me spelling doesn't count in MSN! She regrets saying that to me now, we had a nice long talk.

Conduct in public is something I taught my children. If they misbehaved in a restaurant, we went home. They understand the word "no", and accept it without a hissy fit.

When my son was 6 a woman watched him while I went to school and was shocked that I would tell him he was a "bad boy" if he misbehaved.

I am making sure my kids are productive members of society.

BTW they say pardon me and thank you. Not HUH and YUAH.

Oh I failed to mention something..

My 9 yr old wants a Nintendo DS. anyway I told him if he wants it work for it..

So far its been about 6 months and no ds, why you may ask is because he isn't working for it..

And yes I ask him about it every couple of weeks...

reply to post by nixie_nox


Hiyah Nixie

Thanks for posting such a great piece of content to my thread ...you sound like you are in the biz so to speak

I do not doubt that whatever has happened in child-rearing today, has spawned out of a sense of "I want to be better then MY parents...." kind of thing.

But as you say, everything in moderation.

Cap and gown graduations at the Kindergarten level is nowhere near moderation.

Keeping a close eye on your children in this day and age of the media blaring "Amber alert, Pedophile" every two days, is quite understandable.

Living vicariously and trying to slap a band-aid on your own deficient or wanting childhood, through your own kids is a whole other matter.

The selfish parents, damaged as they are these days, see nothing wrong with all the things you have mentioned: Parents now put 3 month olds into "day care." Parental love is shown through giving them the latest XBOX every 6 months.

It's a crazy world, and all the craziest examples of humans seem to be choosing to rear children with no thought or care as to how their own damaged egos are going to reflect on these small humans they claim to love.

Excellent post

The law of averages means that we have many of the parents described in all the posts before this and in the OP, doing their kids harm without the intent.

I knew that probably the majority of ATS parents would be a different breed, just due to the fact that you have to be free-thinking, mostly intelligent, and seeking a lively debate to even be a member

I also knew, that there would be parents who would read this thread, and take umbrage to it. Wow umbrage will probably be banned or is already if we can't even expect the munchkins to spell "banana."

Anyway, it is not my intent to bash the parents who truly believe they are doing good when they throw kindergarten graduations with cap and gowns, 4 year old birthday parties with 30 or more kids in attendance...and who choose to sit at the kitchen table with their 9 year old for 3 hours either making sure they sit there, or doing their homework for them, which, I am suspecting goes on now at the highest rate ever in the history of the world!

Please come forward and debunk my view, I beg you...I would take any sound reason why we have a NATION full of parents, too chicken to say NO, to be a PARENT, to teach some sort of VALUE in hard work, ethics, and how to get ahead in the world....

reply to post by LateApexer313
Let's see, exactly what did I do for my children?

First of all, I love them. Period. Unabashedly. Unashamedly. Unconditionally. I try every day to make that simple fact perfectly clear to them. Their problems are my problems, their trials are my trials... and their joys are my joys. My daughter just completed two college courses on an advanced program full scholarship from the leading university in this section of the country (University of Alabama). She is 17 and still in high school. This is an astounding feat, and one she has worked diligently to accomplish. I could not have been happier if it had been me that was accepted for this honor. Their achievements are my achievements.

Second, I am honest with them. As an example, we did the old tired Santa Claus routine, but with a twist: at the first question of whether Santa was real, I told them the truth. And as I told them, I smiled; I was happy that they had figured out something was wrong. I think they both knew that.

When I spent 5 years in a clinical depression, unable to be anything but a mere shadow of a real father, and eventually recovered, I did nothing to hide the horrible truth from them. I told them everything that went through my mind. I also told them how sorry I was for being so sick, and how much I wanted to make it up to them. Believe it or not, two young children could understand... and forgive.

My children have seen my wife and I struggle with a lack of money. They have seen us argue. They have seen the ugly side of what all humans are. But they have also seen the love we have for each other, and how I place my family before myself. They have seen my sacrifices and my failures and my triumphs. They saw life raw and uncensored, from a front row seat. They also saw that they had a safety net named Dad who would rather die than have anything hurt them. My own Dad once told me what love was: He said, "If there was a bear that was going to kill one of us, it would have to be me." I never understood until I had kids, and I am sure mine will understand when they have grandchildren for me.

Third, I stressed education. I read to my wife before they were born. I took them to school on their first day, and stayed until they were busy, then slipped quietly out (even though my son caught me ). Every year, regardless of whether we had money for gas, regardless of work schedules, regardless of how I felt, I was ready on that first day of school to take them in myself, until that day came when they wanted to go it on their own. Again, I smiled; they were becoming independent.

I attended every single awards ceremony, without hesitation. I signed every single report card my wife didn't get to first. We considered it an honor worth fighting over. If there was a problem at school, we were there to see it was corrected. We met every teacher every year, attended most of the open houses, built a relationship with the teachers. Homework was sacred; nothing came before it. Good grades were expected, but doing their best was required. We cared, and we made sure it showed.

Fourth, we never took our children to church, despite my being a devout Christian. I believe they learned about God and Jesus from conversations between myself and my wife and friends. But when they asked about going, I was happy to support that decision. In short, I showed them how I believe a Christian should act, rather than simply telling them.

Finally, I took time to be with them. They watched TV, like all kids today do, but I also watched the same shows they did. Not every opne, but enough to know what they were being exposed to. I forbad a few shows, but usually let them watch what they wanted. If I saw something I didn't like, I talked with them about it. That's different than talking to them; they got to talk back. I knew what they were becoming even as I watched them become it.

I guess if you boil it all down, we (my wife and I) simply cared about them more than we cared about us. I've made plenty of mistakes as a parent, but as I told my son a while back: "No one knows how to be a parent at first. you learn from your parents, and when you become one, you take their successes and try to improve on their failures." Yet even my failures have been a lesson to them. I believe that one day, they will make better parents than I have been, and that in itself will make me a better parent, retroactively. Remember, their successes, are my successes.

TheRedneck

Hey LA. Great thread and I really couldn't agree more with most of what you and the others have said.

I have two children, one teenage daughter and a son, six yrs. younger. They are as different as night and day. My daughter will push every button we have and isn't as self-motivated as her brother. She struggles in school, mainly with math which the school has not been of any help, this has really been hard on her self-esteem. They taught her how to spell very well, but she is slipping through the cracks in math, so as parents we must fill in those cracks. She needs more creative motivation and little kicks in the butt to get her going. She's not done well with responsibilities, let me rephrase that, we as parents have not done well teaching her responsibilities and it was hurting her. So, we've changed things around here and the results have been great. Like this week, my sister and I are having them volunteer at the county fair parking cars. They were getting in trouble in their free time so my sister and I decided to fill up all that free time with volunteering for the rest of the summer. You know, they feel great about themselves and are having a great time. It's not the first time they have volunteered somewhere, but it's the first time that they've had to as punishment. lol

It's a battle and parenting isn't easy. I would never throw out the 'you don't have kids so you don't know what it's like' crap. It's a perception that I think is important. Some parents need to hear this.

I've been guilty of spoiling the kids on occasion, I'll admit that, but we work very hard to keep them grounded, to know and appreciate the love of our family, to love, respect and care for others, to value traditions, that hard work pays off, that they should be proud of themselves.

I think that more parents need to be "parents" first and "friends" later.

Rush

What really rips my goat these days is that here in NZ it is now illegal to smack your children. Now I do not care waht anyone else thinks but if it was good another for my father to smack me, and my grandfather to smack my father, why the hell cant I discpline my children the same way.

Now in my eyes there is a big diffrence between abuse and a small smack on the bum to enforce that they have done wrong.
I consider myself a well rounded young man and I have no issues because I was smacked when I was younger.

As far as I am concerned this is govt involvement in my family which I really resent.

They did not even offer us a referedum or anything, just pushed the stupid law through.

something else, when i get my kids in trouble, they cry and i send them to their room crying their little eyes out, then i go into my room and cry. being a parent isnt always fun and games, it can be at times, but not always. it hurts when i have to get after my kids, and thats why i think alot of parents skip the following through step. because its hard. WAKE UP parents. no its not fun to send the kids to their room crying, or to spank them, but it is NECESSARY. if they want to run around in the park hooting and hollering, fine, they are kids. but if you go to a restaurant, sometimes they need a reminder. i have patience with my kids ( wow, i just realized i had patience) butt i didnt use to have patience, i was a hot headed opinionated jerk, thats why my kids are the best thing to ever happen to me. one day i would like them to realize that mom and dad were the best thing to happen to them. generally parents need to realize that parents set the example, its not just "kids will be kids" ,of course their going to be kids, that doesnt mean we, as parents can sit back drink beer and hope for the best....take a stand and be a parent. for crying out loud.

reply to post by Tiste Andii
While it's not really a 'law' here in the US (at least in Bama), it is a legal grey area. But here's how I dealt with it.

We had one run-in with DHR. A small spat between my wife and myself, she called the cops (who laughed because no one got hit even), and that alerted the DHR. The supervisor came to see us. As soon as she introduced herself, I intorduced myself and added the following words: "I have heard the horror stories about you folks. these are our children. you so much as think about taking them, I will kill you and bury your dead a$$ on this mountain."

She gave me a funny look, I guess because I wasn't smiling. She then nodded, and left. We never heard another word, except a letter stating they had closed 'our case'.

It wasn't a threat. It was a warning, and she knew it. Just be sure you're prepared to face the consequences if they come. I was.

TheRedneck

reply to post by TheRedneck


At the moment I do not smack in public, and when I do it is behind closed doors (or curtains) But if the Coppers did come knocking on my door, the crap would hit the fan trust me. I have had enough of my pathetic babysitting govt doing things without asking the people to sit here and take it.

I mean what will they ban next? Time Out?

I just feel that to be an effective parent you need this option open to you at the least even if you don’t use it.

One of the biggest problems with the school is that they spend so much time testing and evaluating the sh*t out of these kids that some semesters it seems that all they accomplished was yet more state standards test. It's ridiculous. We didn't have those added pressures when I was in school. I don't remember any state mandetory baseline testing. We just went to school to learn. Jeez, things are so different now. In our school district there is a heavy importance placed on playing sports. If you don't test well or play in a sport you are basically screwed. But I never fell into that trap. I let my kids choose the sport they want to try, as long as they try it and do their best, that's all we ask for. I don't force them to stick with it if they are not enjoying it, I want their energy placed on something that they enjoy and are passionate about. My daughter has found a passion for photography and my son, karate. But those interests my change, they may change this week, we just redirect.

It's time for the schools to get back to the basics.

Rush

Edit to add: I'm really enjoying this thread, LA. It's great to hear from the others their experiences and values when it comes to raising their kids.

[edit on 15-7-2008 by hsur2112]

Originally posted by ThichHeaded
Oh I failed to mention something..

My 9 yr old wants a Nintendo DS. anyway I told him if he wants it work for it..

So far its been about 6 months and no ds, why you may ask is because he isn't working for it..

And yes I ask him about it every couple of weeks...

My daughter also wants one. We told her she saves half the money we will meet her on the other half. ( she is 7) It has been a year, still no DS. She finally figured it out, and now has 40 bucks saved.

I just saw this thread and had to respond!

To answer your question in the Title: No, and the neighborhood kids (and their parents) hate me

I was born in the early 70's, and my parents were actually parents to me and the family. Yeah, sometime is sucked, but now having two of my own kids, I'm very happy I was raised the way I was. Might have created a few setbacks and rebelliouness, but now that both of my parents have past, I respect what they did for us even more.

All I have to do is look over my fence and see 5 parents in the neighb orhood not be a parent at all!! And we live in a decent neighborhood!

[edit on 16-7-2008 by Spoontoad]

reply to post by LateApexer313


I just made a thread on a similar issue and then spotted yours. You are absolutely correct.

Look i'm only 22 and i notice the change in kids today (god i sound old). I never felt i was entitled to something, i loved competition in school, football, cricket, rounders, sports days, all of these things i relished and you know what, so did my class mates. Even the girls liked the competition, i'm sure there were a few tears by those who lost out but in the end that's what drives us further!

So what are these kids going to do when they grow up, barely literate, unable t appreiciate the beauty of some of the classic books, plays, art and other things? Will they just stagger through life, meandering from job to job, clinging to work as best they can without really trying and at the same time thinking they deserve millions of pounds?

What gets me the most is that many kids think celebrity is the way, i remember reading more kids wanted to be a film star than a doctor! These kids have their priorities all wrong. Take a look at the recent BBC documentary on the 11 year old beauty queen. She said, and i quote, "I'd rather be beautiful and work in a McDonalds than be clever", she thought being smart was an utter sin, a terrible thing to be shunned at all costs.

That is the child of today, someone who thinks you should just be a celebrity, marry a rich footballer and not ever think any thoughts more complex than "i wonder which channel big brother is starting on".

Originally posted by Tiste Andii
reply to post by TheRedneck

 

At the moment I do not smack in public, and when I do it is behind closed doors (or curtains)

I do this mostly behind closed doors. I do mack them up side the head when they get really outta line in public...
Then i tell them 3 days in their room.. That calms them down real fast.

I mean what will they ban next? Time Out?

See I have it set up like this.. I have them go in their room and stand for a few hrs.. not allowed to do anything.. If i catch them doing something I make them stay 4 hrs then 8 16 and so on..

The older one thought he was slick on something and I busted him hard.. he got 2 days standing in his room in summer heat no ac for 2 days...

He straightened up after that.

And to people who call this abuse it isn't, its called discipline.. Abuse is getting the crap beat out of you with a hammer and 2x4 for 3 hrs for losing you house key.(last part true story)

I just feel that to be an effective parent you need this option open to you at the least even if you don’t use it.

I have to learn what is good and what is bad.. my last statement I made i was literally F'ed up all the time by my dad... So I have to be better than him and no be so asshole'ish as he was.. I do not do anything my father did to me, but i stay strict so they don't follow the path most kids in my area do..

And they are on the right path now and will be till at least 18...