My partner REFUSES to shower/bathe himself

What does he say about his (lack of) bathing habits? He must have some rationale for what he's doing, like he's resisting social pressure to conform or etc. Very depressed people often have a hard time getting out of bed, much more so attending to personal hygiene. They often just barely have the will to live, much less function as they ordinarily would. I would guess it's depression, but I'd like to hear what he has to say. Haven't you ever talked to him about it, or at least hinted that his behavior is unpleasant to you (to say the least)? Can't you talk freely with each other?

Originally posted by Enthralled Fan
Can you do some sort of intervention with family members and friends?

Perhaps they can all bring a hygiene product along as a hint!

And then all pile in the shower and ask your husband to join in the soapy,
slippery fun. Group showers tend to last a long time, thus squeeky clean is the order of the day.

Seriously.....

2years, that just ain't right. I don't even want to think about it.

Does he associate with anyone else. I think I would consider it my civic duty to facilitate a shower for him wheather he wanted one or not.

Is it possible that he may be sneaking showers when you aren't looking.

Some lighthearted response here to what may be a symptom of serious mental issues. "Self neglect" is a common negative symptom of schizophrenia.

You need to get this person to a health professional....soon.

I don't shower all that much myself.. but two years? Does he fear water?

Here's something simple, although I'm not sure if you're up for it. fight fire with fire. He wants to be a smelly dood, you become a smelly doodette. It'll be interesting to see how he responds to that. If he's bothered by your smell than you have a great opportunity to turn the tables on him and tell him that his smell bothers you. If he isn't going to do anything about his own smell, then you won't do anything about your own.

Originally posted by MrPenny
Some lighthearted response here to what may be a symptom of serious mental issues. "Self neglect" is a common negative symptom of schizophrenia.

You need to get this person to a health professional....soon.

Can be serious. I inquired in her other thread about what brought this behavior on, because I went through a phase like this once and was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. Yes, it a sign of something going on, but the real issue here as I have studied my own self is that the guy is searching for his own identity and trying to make sense of it all. The first casualties are usually denying yourself of menial tasks so you can concentrate on your thought processes.

I've been there and done that. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about himself anymore, but that he would rather put things aside so he can think clearly. The trick is to develop enough trust to find out what the person is thinking and to identify the causes and solutions to ones own mental anguishes.

reply to post by TheDuckster

I feel so sorry for you when reading this.

I used to have a partner who was bipolar and also acted this way. It ended in us splitting up (I'm not suggesting you should do the same by the way)

He was not taking his problems serious enough. However when we split up he went in therapy and he came out of it good. I'm no longer in contact with him but I hear from others he's doing very well now. So maybe your partner is willing to do some therapy too?

I don't know it sounds a little like he might be acting out against something or someone more than having a syndrome.

Have you ever asked him what the problem is?

If so, why not? Or if you did what did he say?

Does he clean his surroundings at all? If not this all sounds like schizophrenia. If he's in his early to mid 20s and two years ago is when this all started that would be textbook.

I think you both probably need an evaluation though! Two years with his stankin' butt is about 102 weeks too long for any sane person.

[edit on 29-3-2008 by apc]

Originally posted by TheDuckster
Mabey I should just keep these things to myself...and not bother anyone else.

I must respond. That is the most silly thing to say on this board.
Bother. We are here for each other.
Bother :bash:
Keeping things to our selves and not careing for each other is what has brought the world where it is now.
We have the right to be happy, but we also have the responsibilty to care for each other.
"I am my brothers keeper"
WIS

Some things need to be stated before we start going on about not bathing. I do believe there are certain scenarios that would allow for not bathing for days on end, these include.

1. Camping or survival situations- You can't be expected to bathe regularly if you are no where near a proper facility. Not only that, but it's part of the fun.

2. Lack of hot water- I'll hunt for a location if need be usually, but if my gas is turned off, I'm pretty sure I'd have no problem not bathing.

3. Weekends- Unless the weekend involves a specific event, meeting or social situation, bathing over the weekend is not necessary. This includes holidays or in-house vacations.

4. When you don't really smell that bad- Can cologne cover it up? Then you're fine.

5. When you smell bad, but you're not going to see anyone you particularly care about- Why bother right? I mean, they probably smell too.

6. If it's not Monday morning- If it's not Monday, you don't need to shower.

Originally posted by Rasobasi420
Some things need to be stated before we start going on about not bathing. I do believe there are certain scenarios that would allow for not bathing for days on end, these include.

Mmkay I understand your points here but there is a highly different problem going on here than being a guy.

1. Camping or survival situations- You can't be expected to bathe regularly if you are no where near a proper facility. Not only that, but it's part of the fun.

Indeed true, but bathing regularly will stave off staff infections or other ailments when in a survival situation. It is important to bathe even if your life is on the line.

2. Lack of hot water- I'll hunt for a location if need be usually, but if my gas is turned off, I'm pretty sure I'd have no problem not bathing.

Been there, it's cold shower time. Gotta keep clean at least the appearance of clean.

3. Weekends- Unless the weekend involves a specific event, meeting or social situation, bathing over the weekend is not necessary. This includes holidays or in-house vacations.

yep. Pretty much agree with you here. Got better things to do on my weekends (like ATS) than showering. If I ain't expecting anyone then probably a day or two without a shower is acceptable.

4. When you don't really smell that bad- Can cologne cover it up? Then you're fine.

eh now that's pushing it I think. Not taking a shower and going au natural is different than going east European style.

5. When you smell bad, but you're not going to see anyone you particularly care about- Why bother right? I mean, they probably smell too.

well you would hope not, but you got to see someone in two years. This guy sees someone every day. This is beyond acceptable.

6. If it's not Monday morning- If it's not Monday, you don't need to shower.

Well yea even if it's not Monday morning you gotta clean the fungus downungus. or the fromunda cheese. Cmon toe jam is just nasty.

You and your partner should get tested for siphilis. No this is not a joke response. Nor do I mean to offend you. Feel free not to reply to this post.

you should divorce that guy. men like me shower everyday and take care of ourselves.

Originally posted by jedimiller
you should divorce that guy. men like me shower everyday and take care of ourselves.

Uh, oh. Better steel yourself for the rush of proposals!

Hah, I shower twice day and my wife still says I sometimes smell like athletic socks. (which, to me, is a good sign).

I have 2 suggestions...

1. Crush up some valium and give it to him then gently guide him into a warm bath, not necessarily with bubbles, but then at least he's in a bath AND in a comfortable mood so he won't be combative. (yes im kidding)

2. Start telling hippie jokes...ya know. the ones like,:
Q: How do you hide money from a hippie? A: Put it under the soap!
only use his name in the place of hippie.

Tela


[edit on 3/31/2008 by Telafree]

reply to post by MrPenny


I have to agree with you here.
It could also be a symptom of serious depression and OCD too.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder manifests itself in many more ways than the well reported cases of repeated washing of hands or multiple checking of switches etc.

It can leave you so debilatated than it takes a huge amount of energy to even get up in the mornings when everything around you is not 'perfect' in your eyes,leaving you with the frame of mind it doesn't matter what you do because life can't get worse.

You don't necessarily have to walk around looking miserable to be suffering badly from depression.

He sounds like he's in serious need of medical and psychological help,from your other thread too..

Most of all it sounds as if you've made your mind up that the relationship/situation has run it's course and continuing it wouldn't benefit you or your family.

Get out before it turns disastrous.



[edit on 31-3-2008 by AGENT_T]

reply to post by Telafree


You've got to be kidding. DO NOT do this. It's not only reprehensible, it's called 'poisoning' and is a felony.

I hope you were kidding, because if that happened to you, I doubt you'd ever trust the person again.

reply to post by jedimiller


Men like you are also obsessed with Star Wars. So, +1 -1, back to 0.



The amazing thing is that I can go a few days without showering, or without the desire to shower. But the moment I step in, I don't want to come out. I've actually developed a shower routine that takes about a half hour to accomplish.

It starts with a good lather, and ends with mouthwash. I get every inch and love every minute.

[edit on 31-3-2008 by Rasobasi420]

Well I shower once a year whether I need it or not..

Sometimes I wake up just in time to see my underwear scuttling away to a safer corner of the room.

I had one pair of socks that committed a suicide pact by throwing themselves of a third story balcony in Spain..
It was quite romantic.. They were holding hands on the way down.

I'm one of those who can't really feel ready to face the day without an AM shower.

In fact, I'm always puzzled by my wife who happily scuttles off to work without taking a shower. I ask her and she say, rather indignantly, "I had a shower yesterday."

Have to admit it is a bit liberating when on camping trips not to bother with a shower. In fact, just go stand in the campfire smoke and that masks all scents.

However, I have a technological boon to share with you, especially those who don't wear deodorant(*).

It's called:



...and doesn't use aluminum chlorohydrate or parabens. Not affiliated, just picked one of the crystal types at random, this one being the most plain, no other additives that I'm aware.

(*)can cause cancer in rats.




[edit on 31-3-2008 by Badge01]