posted on Nov, 17 2007 @ 08:09 PM
i am in a lot of pain right now...physical pain and mental pain....it is bad. i feel like i am going to snap and as usual, i don't know what to do,
where to go, or what to do....
please mods, i am not advocating using any substance i mention...i only want/need to talk.
btw, i am 30 yrs old, not some under age dude.
all day i have been in a piss poor mood...you can read about the start of that in the rant thread.
today was horrible just like always...
things have gotten BAD for me.....
i have not smoked today and i will not but i am actually worried that i might wind up at the hospital..
i took 15 valiums(thats 70 milligrams) and my lexapro. now, i am sucking on a bottle of southern comfort straight, 100 proof.
i'm about to go eat a coule vicodin and see how i feel.
i just want to drown out all the pain that i feel.
btw, the whole looking for the guy that broke into my house 23 years ago has got me all bent. i can't stop thinking about the scene and his name and
his age and what i saw....
i can NOT get it out of my head...
all i see when i close my eyes is blood. i see blood on the walls. i see my mother fighting the guy. i see the kitchen tossed like it was raided. i
see the phone ripped out of the wall and i see myself, screaming.
i see my parents beat up and bleeding and i am a scared little kid that couldn't do anything.
i am not a kid anymore and i can't lie....i have his address. it is 1600 miles away but don't think i have not thought about heading down there and
having a chat.
i want to look in his face and tell him he ruined my life. i want to look in his eyes and tell him the scars on his neck are from my mother.
i want to tell him that i am a man now and if he feels like he wants to hurt me, he can gladly try.
i ust don't know how to cope with what i am feeling....
btw, i despise booze. i think it is poison. i hate it and i hate being around people that drink it.....yet, here i am, getting bent..