posted on Apr, 8 2007 @ 11:08 AM
People's general attitudes and views on this subject tick me off.
I am 27 and at some point before , when I was twenty-something , I started having some weird experiences and eventually broke down and shared with my
father. He diagnosed me as a schizophrenic. He says my uncle or whatever has it and that's why my uncle's so weird / has problems.
I didn't know until we discussed it one time that "A Beautiful Mind" was about schizophrenia. I had enjoyed the movie but looking back I'm shocked
that I didn't realize / know what it really was about when I was watching it.
I feel my interest in paranormal / occult and other stuff has little to do with my mental health and this whole "schizophrenia" thing. ( I hate that
word , I hate that word! )
Does that mean I'm wrong when I say this or that happened? No , what's real for me is just as real as something else is for someone else. And unlike
some people , I don't really drink alcohol , I've never taken an illegal drug and only once and purposely took way more than what I needed because
that was a suicide attempt. I only succeeded in making myself sick for the next day. Also , I was suicidal and all waaaay before being diagnosed with
this *beep* thing.
People who aren't experiencing what we're experiencing really have no right to say we're crazy , "it's just in your mind" , ect.
If the mind is so bloody brilliant , it wouldn't be so bloody difficult to heal ourselves if it truely is a mental thing...the body can easily heal
itself of minor cuts and stuff but it's much harder for the mind to make sense of certain things and heal itself. I keep going back and forth on what
it's really all about but I can't stand for people to steamroll over what I believe and tell me I'm wrong. The worst of it is ...dealing with
family members. They can be so caring but it hurts even more when they are all "it's just you" , "it's all in your mind" , ect. Ticks me off
soooo much. And "schizophrenia" doesn't really explain the phantom touching thing. If I'm just imagining it all , shouldn't it be easy for me to
unimagine it? That's where the line gets blurred and I have to feel that people are making up BS to try and explain away things with their
"science" that they really can't and don't want to understand. I have tried to drown out the voices with music but I can't drown out the feeling
of constantly being watched. I used to be able to sleep with the lights off and I'm not afraid of the dark but I'm afraid of what may be lurking in
the dark. Unlike some people , I'm not afraid of the voices in the usual way , they have said "I'm going to kill you" , "Don't ignore me." ,
and things like that...they don't say things like "Pick up that knife and kill somebody" and even if they did I would not do it. I really hate the
feeling of somebody trying to control me and even though I've yet to hear them really say anything like "kill yourself" , I do feel like they want
to control me and that just ticks me off. One of the very first experiences I heard a voice clearly say "You're not tired"...I couldn't sleep that
night. Usually I can't really understand what they're saying but I quickly stopped caring about what they had to say. I hate them and wish they'd
go away. I want to feel closer to my old self , the self that could sleep with the lights off and didn't feel like she was constantly being watched.
I've had long talks sometimes with brother and father about it. I hate talking about it. Most of the time I feel like I have a pretty good handle on
it but sometimes I get too worked up over things. I don't really get violent or anything just really worried / scared. So all that stuff about all
schizophrenics being violent all the time...BS.
I may have a bad temper and all but I keep a pretty tight lid on it.
And really , how can I not have a bad temper with the way the media.... and other people's attitudes on things like this?!
I have a punching bag that I punch sometimes to help me.