Last to Post Wins!

well its 3360 posts so far.

1,140 to go

Originally posted by supergeo
I have some jokes here that mostly don't deserve their own thread. Should I post them here instead and if you think they do deserve a thread then you can make a thread in the jokes forum?

Me thinks that anything goes in this thread.

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again, silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"


Stupid

AT&T fired president John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week -- for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

[edit on 4/1/2006 by supergeo]

that.....was.....hilarious.......

Only 6 more hours of work to go.

:bnghd: :bnghd: :bnghd:

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair!"

You get my U2U Chrissler?

please.....stop.....you.......are.......killing.....me......

A multitude of weird things that you probably didn't know:

All porcupines float in water.

Armadillos are the only animals besides humans that can get leprosy.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the 7th floor of a building, it has about 30% less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the 20th floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Norvelle Rogers is the real name of 'Shaggy' in Scooby Doo.

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.

Cat's urine glows under UV light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

If a statue in a park is of a person on a horse that has both front legs in the air, then the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

In "Casablanca", Humphrey Bogart never said, "Play it again, Sam".

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

Starfishes have no brains.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

There. Don't you feel better for knowing all of that?

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

I should be in bed.

Hey all!

It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Takes about that far for me to soil myself.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Now I know why she calls me that....

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

Not if they get tossed off the 20 story building with the cat.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Really, I thought it was 'hey you'...

Originally posted by NotClever

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Now I know why she calls me that....

LOL! Oh dear.....

Anybody watching the college ball games?

I was watching the GM game until half-time. Then my brother changed it to Spike TV to watch MXC, so when that's over, I'll be watching the end of the game. I won't be watching the other game though.

BTW, Who else can't wait for MLB Opening day tomorrow?????

Also, GM is down 30-45 with about 14:30 left, so they need to get on the ball if they want to win.

Yeah Im not able to watch the game since I am at work,

Keep me informed if possible

TV Timeout. It's now 49-32 with 11:44 remaining in the game. I'd like to see Masn win, but they're just jacking up shots, so it's looking like they won't come back.

It will be tough for them to come back from that deficit.

With 6 mnutes left, Florida is leading 50-61, so maybe Mason can come back. They just hit their first 3 of the game to pull within 11.

Edit* Just as I posted that, Florida hit a 3, and mason a quick basket to make it 52-64.

[edit on 1-4-2006 by DarkHelmet]