Family estrangement: Why adults are cutting off their parents

BBC article about adults 'cutting off' their parents

Formally known as ‘estrangement’, experts’ definitions of the concept differ slightly, but the term is broadly used for situations in which someone cuts off all communication with one or more relatives, a situation that continues for the long-term, even if those they’ve sought to split from try to re-establish a connection.

“The declaration of ‘I am done’ with a family member is a powerful and distinct phenomenon,” explains Karl Andrew Pillemer, professor of human development at Cornell University, US. “It is different from family feuds, from high-conflict situations and from relationships that are emotionally distant but still include contact.”

not surprisingly a lot of this is about politics

experts believe at least part of the context for this is increased political and cultural polarisation in recent years. In the US, an Ipsos poll reported a rise in family rifts after the 2016 election, while research by academics at Stanford University in 2012 suggested a larger proportion of parents could be unhappy if their children married someone who supported a rival political party, which was far less true a decade earlier. A recent UK study found that one in 10 people had fallen out with a relative over Brexit. “These studies highlight the way that identity has become a far greater determinant of whom we choose to keep close or to let go,” says Coleman.

personally I'm seeing a huge value rift between old / middle aged persons and kids over values, traditional / Christian vs 'progressive' anti-traditional anti-Christian.
shame we can't better agree to disagree.

I feel like there are a lot of ungrateful kids that, now they are grown, don't need their parents so they're cutting them off as a nuisance.
very sad.

a reply to: ElGoobero

I can relate to this. My mom is a CNN die hard liberal in her political views. I think the programming worked a bit too well. She's my mom, so I love her no matter what. But she gets super worked up and angry over politics. We try not to talk to her about it, but at times she brings it up.

Once just before the election I asked her if she would prefer Biden over Trump, knowing full well that Biden was owned by China, she said "absolutely". I had no more desire to talk politics after that. CNN should be ashamed of themselves.

It is only going to get worse as having everything online gives people no sense of realism, as we move to an ever more unattached reality through technology people do not care about the real effects on humans as it can not be seen. Mad at a "friend" unfriend them. People don't and won't understand as they have never had any REAL people in their lives.

a reply to: ElGoobero

Extreme irony that the BBC is reporting this.

They should have just said "Mission Accomplished".

They're the worst offender when causing division here because, according to them, everyone who voted for Brexit is "obviously" a racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, anti-vaxxer who probably also strangles kittens for fun and burns tyres all day to deliberately add carbon to the atmosphere.

Well done BBC. They should be proud.

There are also a lot of poor patents who do not work hard enough to make life work when their kids go through hard or confusing times, eg as a teenager.

Interesting you point the finger at kids being ungrateful, when their behaviour is largely influenced and trained by their parents.

a reply to: ElGoobero

Meh, people are waking up to the fact that sometimes parents just aren't great people. I don't talk to my Mother, and I honestly wish I could cut off 99% of her entire family, but that's too much effort for people you barely see.

In my case, my Mother is just terrible. She has her own mental health struggles and refuses to get any help. She's a constant victim and has drama with everyone and tries to suck in my siblings and I. We were over it and one big issue made us say, nope. So now life is so much easier and I don't have to cringe when she bothers to visit my kids two times a year and spends 90% of her time trying to get them to tell her they love her on video so she can post it to social media and pretend she's involved.

I know a few people who've cut off a parent or both parents, siblings, extended family, etc, and it's never for no reason. I don't know anyone who's done it for political reasons, but I'm not in the U.S.

a reply to: ElGoobero
Is the article quoting any British evidence?

a reply to: ElGoobero
Well, this is interesting in light of a short article I read a few years ago that said there is an epidemic of adult children still living at home with their parents since long before covid. (Of course I can't find it now that I want to reference it.)

My parents are deceased, but oddly enough, I have more to do with my religious family now that I am a heathen than I did when I was religious. They're decent people. Sure, they're quirky, weird, and still preach at me occasionally, but someone has to stick around and be the normal one in the family. /sarc

a reply to: ElGoobero
Some adults have therapy because their lives are crap.

And the therapist says ....
"Tell me about your childhood."

And this can lead to cutting parents out of their lives.

a reply to: and14263

Interesting you point the finger at kids being ungrateful, when their behaviour is largely influenced and trained by their parents.

And also very much influenced by the "educational" system and corporate media, both of which go to great lengths to undermine the parents every chance they get.

But I do agree that sometimes it is the parents who bring it on themselves.

originally posted by: network dude
a reply to: ElGoobero

I can relate to this. My mom is a CNN die hard liberal in her political views. I think the programming worked a bit too well. She's my mom, so I love her no matter what. But she gets super worked up and angry over politics. We try not to talk to her about it, but at times she brings it up.

Once just before the election I asked her if she would prefer Biden over Trump, knowing full well that Biden was owned by China, she said "absolutely". I had no more desire to talk politics after that. CNN should be ashamed of themselves.

The wise old man who raised me told me this one long ago , football/soccer ,politics and religion are for the feeble minded among us ,it gives them something to do with their hands and feet seemingly

There are also a lot of poor patents who do not work hard enough to make life work when their kids go through hard or confusing times, eg as a teenager.

Being poor/growing up poor has nothing to do with morality or ones beliefs and cultural values.

Kids behaviour past the age of 7 is largely influenced by their friends and peers much more so than their parents. It’s generally the system that fails people who are poor.

Turning this around and blaming the parents for “not working hard enough” to make life work for a (often never satisfied) teenager is a cop out and bs.

a reply to: ElGoobero

It’s been designed to be divisive, that’s the whole idea divide and conquer remember?
Social media exacerbates the problem greatly by creating and magnifying social bubbles, people living in circle jerks where their opinions are built and reinforced in the group think. With the need to virtue signal about something you know nothing about and does not affect you.

We know this is a top down agenda because the big social media companies simply censor anything that goes against the narrative they are creating. No it’s more than a narrative it’s a whole mindset, a way of life...they truly are social engineers.

They want to break down the family unit and traditional sense of community because that is our biggest strength. Sure some people come from broken/messed up families, and none are perfect. But for most of us, we put family first, same with friends we have each other’s back. Because it’s them that we love, it’s them ultimately that we live for.

Take that away and it’s game set and match.

Post Removed By Staff

I continue to work this conceprt out in my own head...but my dear old mom, who passed in March at 92, made sure that above all she wanted to maintain the relationship with those she disagreed with. You can't have any influence in your child's mind and actions if you are so vocally polarizing in your relationship. That being said, abusive relationships need good boundaries...you may decide to forgive others but not place yourself in a continually state of abuse.
I think it a shame the way the culture is devolving from the nuclear family unit, but it seems that is the way the political/cultural pendulum is swinging in this time, once again toward Marxism and the dissolving of family and religion. Too be sure a nuclear family unit doesn't preclude difficulties, but remains the best organization for success in child-rearing. Not to say single parents, grandparents, etc can't be successful.
Still working this out in my mind...

Funny how so much written thousands of years ago is coming true.

They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

originally posted by: and14263
There are also a lot of poor patents who do not work hard enough to make life work when their kids go through hard or confusing times, eg as a teenager.

Interesting you point the finger at kids being ungrateful, when their behaviour is largely influenced and trained by their parents.

Every generation had parental/child conflict. Like I told my now-adult daughters when we were complaining about society's ills, I said it's my generation's fault, and they both agreed heartily. Then I said it's because my latch key generation raised all the dumbass kids today, no wonder everyone under 30 is an imbecile. LOL, it's not that our parents were bad, they just weren't there, kids were at home alone a lot especially in the summers, while if you had both parents they usually worked. That was how a lot of our community was in the '70s and '80s.



They f--- you up, your Mom and Dad
they don't mean too but they do
they take all their hang-ups
and give them right to you

a reply to: Atsbhct

The participation trophy generation strikes again.
These are the kids of that generation.

Throw in single parents, lack of morals, social media, etc and you end up with split families and like minded individuals hanging together without opposing opinions

The outcome was predictable

a reply to: putnam6
'This be the verse'

They # you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were #ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

By Philip Larkin.

a reply to: ElGoobero

This is precisely how the powers that be like it. It's important to sever familial and community ties so all a person has to rely on is the state.