Family estrangement: Why adults are cutting off their parents

I can sort of understand this.

I have seen older retirement folks completely change their political and sociological philosophies as the get older. Some parents become 'needy' like small children and don't have realistic expectations of their children to the point of danger. Sometimes their expectations will cause parents to make poor decisions based upon their expectations of what they think their kids should do.

Additionally, I even observed changes with my own parents when they were still alive. Their political viewpoints changed from very conservative to very liberal...especially in the areas of Healthcare and social security. Nobody got disowned, but it lead to some heated discussions.

a reply to: ElGoobero


Most of the time when I’ve witnessed cutoffs it was because the parents were ridiculously demanding and manipulating with most concern going to their own needs and wants, and fake image.

A lot of the cutoffs I’ve seen, there was no bond there anyway. You get what you put into a relationship. If there was abuse, which in most cases there was, then unless there is an apology or effort instead of demands then see Ya is what I say. To each his own.

Sadly, I have known a lot of selfish mothers/fathers who only cared about themselves, then when they are left alone it’s all “poor me”.

One of my favorite books is The Purpose Driven Life, and is a good example how to be: Not Selfish or abusive.


I know my son loves me, and has respect for me for that I am grateful, and it’s not because he has to, it’s because I was always there!

originally posted by: 10uoutlaw
a reply to: Atsbhct

My father was a very bad person and a very crappy father and when my parents got divorced it was the best day of my life . I was 17 at the time and didn't talk to him for for 45 years until he called me and said he was broke and needed a place to stay . My wife got him into a senior living center that he could afford , got a call a year ago that he had died and I need to clean out his apartment . Everything including his ashes went into their dumpster and I still hate him to this day . I did learn how to be a better father by doing the opposite of what he did . Sometimes dumping family is a good thing and the best way to live .

Your father has only notionally been erased from your life. He still lives on in half of your dna and mental processes. The hate is still there and must have accumulated a lot of energy and released a lot of thought forms. To hate your biological father is to unknowingly hate half of your self.

a reply to: 10uoutlaw

Good for you for breaking that cycle and showing up for your kid/s. No ATS post can make someone feel shame for doing something that is such a positive move in their life.

And kudos to your wife for taking that off of you and finding a place for your father. That's a partnership.

originally posted by: Atsbhct
a reply to: 10uoutlaw

Good for you for breaking that cycle and showing up for your kid/s. No ATS post can make someone feel shame for doing something that is such a positive move in their life.

And kudos to your wife for taking that off of you and finding a place for your father. That's a partnership.

Not really. That act only empowers the wife but disempowers the son. It's like having someone else shoot your dog for you.

a reply to: HilterDayon

It was her Idea , she knew about it because her mother had Dementia and was put in a similar place . She also knew I would have just let him live on the streets , she never had to deal with him before but found out the hard way how warped he was .

a reply to: network dude

My dad said if the Biden diary is true and he molested his daughter he does not see how its a news story or matters at all.

Their entire identity is their politics.

originally posted by: surfer_soul
a reply to: TrollMagnet

Yeah I assumed FB and social media because besides YouTube and porn, the fact is that’s the vast majority of where internet traffic is.

Once you realize the problems in your life are amplified by a toxic family, do you really think intelligent people would keep themselves in that situation? In the 60's all day long. They would never leave. They would be abused. They would have had to read stacks of books to figure out a fraction of what was going on.

What are you talking about in the 60’s all day long? How old are you? There are many reasons why people endure abusive relationships and not knowing they are in such is hardly a factor. Come on, you don’t need to know about mental health problems and such to know something isn’t right. Even a dog when it’s not being treated right it doesn’t need to go on the net to find out.

I have some personal experience in this due to nearly cutting off my sister from my life. My cousin cut off his own mother and so did a friend. The reason why people keep going back is an attempt to put things right or work things out, not because they aren’t intelligent or uneducated as you’d have it. It may be that they are better off walking away for good. But it’s much more nuanced than you seem to think.

Nope. They most of the time grew up in it, and that is their normal. Thats why they tolerate it. Seeing other people leave and become more happy did not happen before technology. I grew up in the 80s. Your normal is your normal. Not everyone is reading the same book, or even on the same page. Some people are in a completely different world. Thge internet has made communication insanely fast compared to what it was in even 2000. Before 1995ish pretty much all the news came from the TV and paper. You got what you were told. We were not communicating with strangers and sharing news, or articles, or research, or any of this crap like this. The internet has opened a lot of peoples eyes to what is possible for normal people and challenged narratives.

But I also worked for years in the IT department for a behavior health department for the state that runs the crisis lines and all that jazz. I worked with the people who actually talked to those screwed up people all day. Suicide hotlines and all the other hotlines posted in the areas covered went there too. The people who handled those calls dealt with so much crap they are allowed to miss pretty much all the work they want and come in when they feel like it. They got some crazy stories, and a bunch of the people helped used to come in and talk to the employees and explain how the systems work and blah blah blah blah blah. Bunch of horrible crazy nightmare stories like people growing up and their parents washing them with bleach and crap because they were germophobes. You cant make this crap up. All sorts of crazy, but to almost all of them, crazy was relative, and their situations they thought were mostly normal and rationalized.

a reply to: TrollMagnet

Crazy will always be relative, if you have a mind you have mental health to deal with.
I grew up in the 80’s unless you were completely isolated you had friends and would visit their homes and families, people generally knew each other’s business and there was a stronger sense of community then. I’m in England though so my experience might be different to yours. But I know that going back further the sense of community was even stronger people didn’t used to lock their doors and neighbors would walk right in with just a knock to announce their arrival.

As kids we respected adults then, they would often admonish us for our bad behaviour and we expected to be duly punished. Though all I ever got was a good talking too except from one of my teachers who said he wouldn’t hesitate to beat me if it’s wasn’t for GBH. These days everyone is walking on eggshells in case they offend someone or other, the internet has invented whole new slogans and phrases that are now offensive that weren’t even a thing before. Where is the line between wrapped up in cotton wool and causing harm? It should be obvious but it isn’t anymore.

Even if things have improved and people are treating each other better we won’t know it if people are also bigger cry babies than ever before acting like life and everyone in it owes them something. A participation trophy perhaps?

originally posted by: OccamsRazor04
a reply to: network dude

My dad said if the Biden diary is true and he molested his daughter he does not see how its a news story or matters at all.

Their entire identity is their politics.

That's...that's pretty #ing alarming from a parent of ANY age.

Holy cow, makes you question the parenting morals and ethics when a comment that sketchy comes from that close, no? I sure would be, yiiikes.

a reply to: Nyiah

Thanks for pointing out that poor parenting can also mean spoiling your kids and wrapping them up in cotton wool. Or also not disciplining them appropriately because “limy little baby can do no wrong”

As to the OP I’m not sure that parenting skills or lack there of are what’s responsible for the increase in family members cutting each other off. It seems which narrative you choose to believe is the new factor. I keep hearing of this happening over the jabs that are being pushed globally. Generally those that have taken it demanding that those family members who haven’t must do also. Before that division was being stirred up over political issues such as immigration, climate change and more. People generally have strong feelings about such things because to them they really matter, so it’s easy for the MSM to fan the flames as it were.

They have us going after each other rather than the issues, I can think of loads of examples..

even resisting the flashy lure of government doles has to be something taught generation-by-generation

Yes people especially poor people must remember that welfare of any kind is meant to be a last resort to fall back on. To many think of it as an entitlement and can’t see the danger of being completely dependent on the state, with its big carrot and bigger stick.

Valuing the individual is important

Some individuals have no value other than "self" worth making them worthless individuals.

When they find out just how much of a worthless individual they are; Guilt arises then all they do; Is bother those individuals that worked really hard to remain an individual of value even more than before looking for some redemption.

I am not your lord and savior even though you have treated me as one or are trying to treat me or anyone else you could sacrifice like a saving throw as one; Hit the road.

I'd say it's a difficult lesson to swallow but the world needs it.

originally posted by: ketsuko
a reply to: and14263

Don't work hard enough to make life work?! Perhaps you are too old to recall being young when you were you were absolutely certain your parents couldn't possibly understand a thing you were going through because 19-dickety-2 was nothing like the super-evolved and enlightened times *you* were growing up in, so nothing they had to say really mattered.

not me mate

originally posted by: surfer_soul

There are also a lot of poor patents who do not work hard enough to make life work when their kids go through hard or confusing times, eg as a teenager.

Being poor/growing up poor has nothing to do with morality or ones beliefs and cultural values.

Kids behaviour past the age of 7 is largely influenced by their friends and peers much more so than their parents. It’s generally the system that fails people who are poor.

Turning this around and blaming the parents for “not working hard enough” to make life work for a (often never satisfied) teenager is a cop out and bs.

Hahaha I don't mean poor as in financial. I mean poor as in rubbish. Yanks always take things literally !!! You guys are brilliant.

originally posted by: Klassified
a reply to: and14263

Interesting you point the finger at kids being ungrateful, when their behaviour is largely influenced and trained by their parents.

And also very much influenced by the "educational" system and corporate media, both of which go to great lengths to undermine the parents every chance they get.

But I do agree that sometimes it is the parents who bring it on themselves.

After working with families fof a decade I can testify that 80% of adult parents underachieve... Compared to my parents. They're either morons or fat.

a reply to: and14263

They're either morons or fat.

That’s because of the educational system and corporate media.

a reply to: surfer_soul

Kids behaviour past the age of 7 is largely influenced by their friends and peers much more so than their parents. It’s generally the system that fails people who are poor.

Have you heard this quote before?
"Give me a child until the age 7 and I will show you the man".

a reply to: Itisnowagain

Actually I have, I can’t remember who said it exactly though? Was it connected to the Prussian schooling system, which modern schools are largely based on?

Not sure why people assume I’m American on here? Maybe it’s because I’m a northerner?

a reply to: surfer_soul
No one really knows...but Aristotle is mentioned online.

a reply to: Itisnowagain

Hmm I always find curious how advanced the ancient Greeks were in their thinking. If it wasn’t for modern tech you could say we have regressed if anything since those times.