Yes I still Love You completely. But I definitely haven't been Happy about any of this, and I honestly haven't liked your character in this
performance we are amidst at all. Your character seems hypocritical, unfair, deceptive, overbearing, and nearly psychotic to me because you literally
almost killed me multiple times as I had no idea you'd form a counter-attack and try to destroy me completely.
It was a huge surprise to me because I was following my intuition and instincts, and I just couldn't see it coming. I was so completely convinced that
you were irresistibly drawn to me that you'd never do anything to hurt me. I was a wide open target with zero defenses. You obliterated me in 1 shot
and every time I try to get up I get shot again. I have felt dead, defeated, and destroyed. Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually.
Yes, my spine is broken now, it is not fun and every day is a struggle. Some worse than others. It's terrible. But I don't really talk about it much
unless it's really really bad that day, and even then I mention it only a time or two to let others know I'm not at full capacity and to be
considerate of my struggle.
I can still walk but it gets rough sometimes, lifting objects is very challenging and painful, and some days I wake up in pain all over my body.
I don't believe I deserved a lifetime injury like this - that my doctors claim will lead to paralysis below the waist anytime in the future. I
personally don't believe I will be paralyzed because I have seen people come back from worse spinal injuries and overcome it. So I will fight every
day to overcome this challenge and I will make damned sure my legs keep working.
But guess what? I don't blame you or anyone for all this. I don't even blame me.
I saw that I was being foolish ignorant and immature, I saw that everyone else is blind and acts just as foolish if not more so than I do.
So how could I blame anyone at all? Remember - Blame B Lame. So # blaming anyone, it's dumb and not realistic.
Instead I keep my focus on God. God is my everything. I am practicing Forgiveness and seeking to make Amends with all those I crossed. I screw up
still but I think I'm getting way better at doing the Right thing and choosing to reject all Negativity as best I can. Every thought and feeling
within me is aiming towards Positivity and Happiness. I just want to be Good towards All, so Hopefully God will see my efforts and have Mercy on my
broken shattered Spirit.
I am truly Sorry that I was so domineering and forceful in my words, I didn't mean to "trap you" into "having to" Love me. You don't have to do
anything you don't want. I thought I was trying to give you a "Reason" to do it that you would see as valuable and worthy of your time. That I was
worth it, I was worth your Love and Compassion.
Yes, I had a lot of things wrong. I thought that I needed you to validate my worth. And I'm afraid that you now find yourself needing me to validate
your feelings and experiences as well - and I am very Sorry for this mistake.
I discovered that I only need myself and God to validate Me. That it's up to me and I am the only one I can count on to Care about my life and
experiences. Everyone can go completely against me and I will be OK because I know who I Am and what I stand for - Love. God validates me. Not you,
not anyone else.
It took me to be in a position where I lost everything and went nuts through intense suffering and misery before I could finally discover that I must
validate me and stop expecting people like you to do it for me. Who cares if you don't like me anyways? If you knew the Real Me you'd Love me, because
I know Me and I do Love myself. I know God definitely Loves me too, and that's the biggest one of All. I Forgive and Am Forgiven. I Love and Am Loved.
I will harm no one and instead will give and help them. I VALIDATE ME! I Am Awesome and I don't care if anyone ever agrees. I don't think I'm better
than or worse than anyone! I will try my best to Love my neighbors as I Love myself, and I will definitely keep working on Loving God despite him
giving me a crappy life experience. I will fulfill the whole of the Law if it's the last thing I do. I Validate Me now!
I made a huge leap forward with that realization. And I need you to make this leap too.
Stop expecting me to validate you and your struggle. I have nothing to do with You being good enough for You.
This is entirely up to You and between God and yourself. You must realize that nothing in this world can validate your experiences or feelings. Only
God and You can do this and it can take a lot of work and time to accomplish even the first pieces of this challenging process.
But You and I can be Happy, it will just take a lot of work.
Another thing, about "Control". I used to think I controlled everything - other's ideas, my kids, my wife, my property, etc. I thought I owned and
controlled it rightfully. But I was completely utterly wrong about the whole thing. I learned in 1 day as it was all pulled from under me that I
wasn't in control and I didn't own a damn thing except myself.
I realized, over this whole ordeal, this tribulation - that I cannot control anyone or anything no matter what. Doesn't matter how good I was at
influencing it, I still never controlled and cannot control it. No matter what, inanimate or animate.
I can only make choices for ME. I can only Control ME - and I even fail at this continually and have tons of room to grow and learn. I Am a Work In
Progress. I am improving ME so that everyone else won't have ME as the problem in their lives.
I don't want or even try to control anything or anyone anymore. I just want to be Happy. Control and Happiness Do NOT mix!!! So I reject Control, I
reject all forms of it, it's psychotic and unrealistic. It always ends in disaster and misery doesn't it??
So I now ALLOW God to control everything as God sees fit. I don't know everything, I cannot possibly plan for all the variables, but God can and does
know everything and has already planned for all the variables perfectly. I ACCEPT and ALLOW, I do not challenge it anymore. I say THANK YOU GOD for my
Life, THANK YOU for my children and all of the Good and Bad things I have ever seen or known. I ACCEPT it and am so Thankful to get the opportunity to
be ME and discover the Truth about Life, the Universe, and Everything.
The Answer was is always will be Faith, Hope, and Love.
It's that simple.
And so I Forgive You and I'm Sorry.
That is the entirety of the matter and it's culmination towards my own Spiritual Salvation. So Thanks for reading and I pray that you and yours will
find your Truth and Happiness one day as well. I hold nothing against you or anyone, It's over and I Let Go and Accept that which God has chosen for
edit on 2/17/2020 by muzzleflash because: (no reason given)