I don't mind the dentist. Love 'em. The worst you get at the dentist office is an overly perky dental hygienist who tries to make you feel like human
scum for not flossing 4 times daily while facing Mecca. Her bubbly daggers of shame bounce right off me like ping pong balls.
What's the worst they can do? Stab at your gums a bit with something that looks like Captain Ahab shrunk down for G.I. Joe to hunt seals with? It
feels kinda nice. Hell I wish I had my own tooth gouger. That is such small potatoes.
But there are horrors, in the seedy underbelly of big medical care, that need to be brought into focus.
My eyes were bothering me, so I went to an optimist. He said, "Don't worry! You'll be fine!"
And now that the levity is gone, let me tell you about the wretched Eye Doctor
They make you fill out this long questionnaire when all you need is a prescription for frickin' contact lenses. Yep, they even want to know about my
STI's, STD's, and VD's.
I mean, what does that have to do with my vision?! I feel like there's a joke about beer goggles in here, but the eye doctor is no laughing matter!
On the questionnaire: "Do you give the optician permission to dilate your eyes?"
"Okay we're going to dilate your eyes now."
Me be all like "What's the point of putting that on the forms if you're going to do it anyway?"
They be like "Oh! Sarrr-eeee! LUL"
Then they be like "Okay, we're going to take a super detailed ultra magambo spectrafied map of your retina now."
And me all like "Wait, how much does that cost? I didn't give permission for that either. Again, why ask on the form if you don't check it?"
Holy Joe! I didn't tell them to invest in that high-falutin' devil machinery. Scam someone else. I just want prescripts for my lenses yo. Get on with
"Okay but we have to do some tests as part of every appointment blah blah blah."
Fine. Show me your little farmhouse at the end of the road so you can see how much my eyes panic staring at that bright ass light.
Being hunched over more than Quasimodo to look into that glorified Viewmaster doesn't help either.
Give me that little clicker to press like a lab rat on amphetamines even though I don't really know what I'm looking at! I mean what if I press it too
early? Too late? Those little squiggles come and go faster than any human can react! WHAT DO YOU LEARN FROM THIS?!?!?!
Okay fine, so we're done right?
Ohhhhh no no no no no NO no no no no noooo.
They have to bring out the compressed air bazooka to shoot in your eyes to see how much you can cry.
"Checking your eye pressure."
What the happy horse hockey does that even mean? Are you saying there's a chance my eyes can cave in if they're not pressurized????? Like I really
want to hear that!
Oh but we're not done yet. Now the actual vision tests begin.
"Can you read those letters on the bottom line?"
Well. Uhh. Maybe. Foxtrot, Umbrella, Charlie, Kilo, Yankee...
"Okay now cover the other eye."
It goes on and on and on. Surely this qualifies as cruel and unusual torture.
Now we get to the other test. Which looks better? 1....or 2..or 2.....or 1
Why didn't they just start with this?! That's all I needed!
Then I get to walk out of there wearing old grandpa shades feeling like the ultimate castrated clown.
That'll be 174 dollars thank you!
edit on 16-2-2019 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)