Is your Parent a Narcissist or are you unable to take blame?

To be fair, I've been teaching for over 25 years, and the last ten, especially, I've seen a marked change in kids. Many of them have incredibly short attention spans, a intolerance for anything but instant success, and a disrespect for teachers and other authority figures.

It is definitely noticeable if you've been working with kids for years. Other teachers see the same thing. The intolerance for anything but instant gratification is pretty marked.

Parents have an effect.

Everyone reacts differently.

Me and my brother are fine.

My sisters are messed up.

I understand people having some resentment towards their parents, that normal in my opinion but to blame them for your life not being perfect is stupid.
There are some with major parental baggage but not everyone.

I had good parents for the most part but I do have some issues with their behavior towards me.
They are supposed to see your strengths and weaknesses and guide a kid through them but mine sure didnt.
I was an extremely shy kid and I swear they went out of their way to make high school harder.
I had a ten o'clock curfew all through school, try to find a girlfriend willing to put up with that one.
It wouldn't have bothered me as much if my 3 older brothers had that curfew but they didn't have one.

My mom didn't understand why I didn't want to wear my brother's hand me down clothes either..
He was 7 years older than me..
Remember the pants kids wore in the 70's?
Try those in the 80s......

I turned out fairly normal but I was a struggle at times.

originally posted by: and14263
Parents have an effect.

Everyone reacts differently.

Me and my brother are fine.

My sisters are messed up.

I'm really curious, why do you think you and your brother turned out ok versus your sisters?
It's the same in my family.

I am fine, my brother and sister still blame my parents for things that happened decades years ago.
They way they describe them you would think we all grew up with different parents. I've had to stop them at times
because the way they remember things and the way they actually happened is totally different. It is almost as if they have built up so much hate/angst that they have made something small much bigger than reality.

I'll give you an example. My brother got in trouble, and a cop visited the house. Of course, my parents went off and were very upset. My brother is still mad at my parents reaction, all the while forgetting why they were so upset in the first place. It is as if the have never emotionally evolved. (My brother is going to have three teenagers at the same time, I can't wait until that happens, he is going to get a rude awakening)

The sad thing is that my parents are actually REALLY cool people. My siblings are missing out on all of it now.
As kids we didn't get to know them on that level. Now as an adult I love hearing about their lives and stories.. They are both funny as can be too. Getting to know them at this age also explains a lot about why they were strict and other little things growing up.

a reply to: JAGStorm

That sounds much more like you took an OT personal gripe on their part out of context (and FYI, would irritate me to have the flame of the week in permanent family photos, too)

In essence, you're trying to say a OT family complaint is supposed to constitute those claims of profound narcissism. And shows you really haven't bothered to listen to anyone who does have a narcissistic parent, which is pretty insulting if you ask me.

originally posted by: Nyiah
a reply to: JAGStorm

That sounds much more like you took an OT personal gripe on their part out of context (and FYI, would irritate me to have the flame of the week in permanent family photos, too)

In essence, you're trying to say a OT family complaint is supposed to constitute those claims of profound narcissism. And shows you really haven't bothered to listen to anyone who does have a narcissistic parent, which is pretty insulting if you ask me.

If you read what I wrote:

I just quickly looked at a Narcissistic support forum,

I think what I found pretty much sums up what this entire post is about. Some people are truly abused and have lifelong psychological issues, and others (many others) are big O' complainers, that will complain about anything.

Who cares if a boyfriend is in a photo. A photo show a point in your life, at that point in her sisters life that boyfriend was there. If someone gets so upset over that, it shows me they have personal issues. Maybe she is mad she never had boyfriends etc. again, blaming someone else, the sister, the parents, the person that took the photos, the memory.

There is no such thing as Narcissism.

It is just a label to indicate someone tends towards selfishness and vanity moreso than they ought.

All it takes is a good wakeup call to rattle them back into reality.

Anyone remember A Christmas Carol?
Scrooge is the proverbial example of the Diabolical Narcissist but the moral of the story is that everyone can change.

Be careful when you label others.
You may find an unwanted label on yourself if you aren't careful...

Wow, so many of the same replies here. So it’s a kids fault for having a narcissistic parent???

What about the endless manipulation a kid receives throughout their life from the narcissistic parent? I have a narcissistic parent. I don’t blame them for all my problems though. However, It does still affect me to this day. I am 39 years old.

Here’s a great example that comes from just yesterday:

A little background first: I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. So no Christmas, any holiday or birthday for 22 years — until myself, my father and my sister left. Had my first Christmas at 22 and first birthday at 23. That’s a lot of years saving money on gifts and celebrations for my parents.

Let’s fast forward to this week. I found out on Sunday that my dad went on a week long trip to Rhode Island. We live 90 miles away from each other, so he probably should have told me — but he didn’t. I wonder why? Because he knew what he was about to do....

Then, yesterday he calls me, he lies and says he only left for a couple days, and not a week. After that and the real purpose of the call was this — he wanted to know if I’d be okay with having a Jehovah’s Witness Christmas. Meaning: no gifts and not even bothering to get together and celebrate. Why you may ask? So he can go to Vegas for Christmas instead. This is on top of having another week long trip scheduled for January. But he says “money is tight”. So that’s why we aren’t having a Christmas this year.

I’ll be spending my first Christmas alone now. My sister lives in Texas and just lost her job — so no Christmas with her. Moms still a die hard JW, so no Christmas with her. It’s my exes year to have my kids for Christmas, so no Christmas with them.

I don’t blame him for my current circumstances. I do blame him for opting to go to Vegas for Christmas; and then getting out of doing anything for his family — just to please himself. He has absolutely no consciousness to help my sister in her time of need, or spending Christmas with his son who lives 90 miles away and will be alone. I don’t give a sh!t about the gifts. I can buy myself whatever I want. It’s about being alone on Christmas.

On another note, he did come down for thanksgiving. I had my kids as well. The problem is, he is so self absorbed, he spent the entire time bashing the Jehovah’s witnesses. Going on and on about a book he wrote that does nothing but bash Jehovah’s Witnesses. What’s the problem with this you may ask? I explicitly and repeatedly asked him not to talk about it in front of my kids. I just wanted any easy holiday. He promised he wouldn’t do it — he lied and didn’t care that he lied.

I could go on and on with more stories. Stories that are far worse. I’m less affected by him than my sister. She is 41 and still has major issues with self worth and many others. Most of which is as a result from his treatment of her all growing up — and in to adulthood.

I agree, kids these days are entitled, whiny, little lazy asses. That does not mean that no one has narcissistic parents though. In fact, wouldn’t the amount of aforementioned kids possibly be a result of their narcissistic parents. I’ve heard people say that 1/3 of people are narcissists today. I can attest to this by my work. I’m in a people facing biz. I see over 1200 new faces every year and get to spend the entire day with them. Long enough to spot the narcissists.

Shoot, my ex wife is a full blown sociopath. But that’s for another story.

a reply to: KansasGirl

That doesn't surprise me... but I probably see it a little different than you based on my own experience. While my own kids were in school during the 80s and 90s, I saw a growing disrespect and disregard for parents from teachers and administrators, and they actively undermined and discredited parents with our children -- especially teens in higher grades. They were the professionals... "we know best and you know nothing... just shut up and do what you're told..." And too many parents did exactly that. But as the quality of public education grew progressively worse, everyone blamed those darn parents, taking their power and giving it to educators. It didn't work because parents were never really the problem. Not to say that there aren't crappy parents out there; but the vast majority want their child to do well and will do what they can to help make that happen.

Those kids from the 80s and 90s are the parents of the kids at school today. Is it any surprise that these kids haven't learned any respect? Who were they going to learn it from? Their parents? Ha! The self-appointed education "professionals" dropped the ball a long time ago and these are just the natural consequences. It's the land of misfits and snowflakes.

I realize it's impossible to apply my exact circumstances and experiences universally; but there has been a consistent effort to blame parents for everything while at the same time taking away more and more of their input and influence and rights. To the extent that today we have schools facilitating a child's gender transition -- including puberty blockers with their life- and body-altering effects and many known and unknown adverse side effects -- without the parents' knowledge or consent. What better exemplifies the gross disrespect and disregard for parents and their rights? And for the impressionable and vulnerable kids in their care? We didn't get here overnight.

There's plenty of blame to go around. We can all point out problems. We can all point fingers. And it's petty and divisive and doesn't fix anything -- exactly the opposite. Everyone involved has a level of responsibility for getting us here, and a level of responsibility to do better. So everyone involved needs to tell us what they can and will do better, and other ways to actually provide solutions. Not excuses and not judgment.

To KKLOCO

You hated spending Thanksgiving with your dad because all he would do was talk about his interests and not valuing your request to not talk about religion and that was upsetting to you....
BUT you are upset that you have no-one to spend Christmas with including him?

First of all, one of the hardest things about being an adult is standing up to your parents. It doesn't mean being disrespectful, it's quite the opposite. It is demanding respect from them. If my parents did not listen to my wishes not to talk about something with my family i'd have a big problem with that. That would be nipped in the bud right away. BTW I've had a similar situation and it worked out fine. My mom actually said that I must have forgotten I'm her child, I told her she must have forgotten that I'm a grown adult.

So I'm thinking that by you spending Christmas alone you'll actually have a better time.
I suggest you do something you really love doing, go fishing, go see a movie. Buy yourself a gift.
Find your own self worth. The other suggestion is to reach out and help other people. Maybe go see your sister and have a good time. You might enjoy it without sour company!

a reply to: JAGStorm
I think I can give you a really good answer (imho) but am about to eat a wagyu steak in a restaurant. So if I forget to reply by all means PM me and I’ll explain.

Sorry, don’t want to sit here typing whilst in the restaurant.

a reply to: JAGStorm

I totally agree JAG. My grandma always said ‘it’s better to be alone, than in bad company’. Ironically, that’s my fathers mom that said that.

originally posted by: and14263
a reply to: JAGStorm
I think I can give you a really good answer (imho) but am about to eat a wagyu steak in a restaurant. So if I forget to reply by all means PM me and I’ll explain.

Sorry, don’t want to sit here typing whilst in the restaurant.

For sure, Wagyu deserves full attention!

I was raised by narc parents.
I was mentally and physically abused from day 1, my mother took an instant dislike to me and that will continued to the day she dies. I can live with that fact but what i cannot live with is the fire and anger within me that has been left behind by all the hatred, lies and deceit.

Unless you have lived with a narc and suffered by their hands you will never understand the mental games and abuse that they live by, it is the worse life you can imagine. The bastards make you look crazy and they work a long time at that while the whole world think they are such awesome people.

My mother has tried her very best at suiciding me and i think the only reason why she couldn't push me over the edge was, i didn't want to give the bitch that satisfaction.

I talk to her simply because of the fact that if i fall out with her, she will start her games against me again and i cannot take that ATM...

BUT this is what i want to really say is this, my mind goes round and round in super fast mode of all the crap things that my parents done to me, i do not want to sit and think about all these bad things but i do.
I fight with myself everyday over this issue, i hate it. I do not want to be like this cos it really sucks.
I have settled down a few times but they were my "mother" so i ended up with more abuse and i take full responsibility for that crap.
I struggle everyday with depression and suicidal thoughts, not because i enjoy it but because i cannot beat my mind.
We are all very different, inside and out but humans think we are all wired the same.

The loneliest life you will ever live is with a narc, they will take everything from you including your very soul.....
And they will enjoy every minute of it.

And anyone in that situation today, get out NOW or ASAP...

My father...... was just a spineless bastard who loved watchinghelping to destroy my inner-self. He got worse as i got older and he always feared the day i would stand up. I just wish i had decked him at the same time but family and all that crap. He did cross the line when he brought my family into his sick games.

a reply to: Boadicea

I teach mainly one-on-one. I teach group classes a few times a year, and the difference I'm talking about isn't seen as easily in groups.

I have 40 individual students. I see each of those kids for a half hour (a few for an hour) every single week. So I get to know them pretty well. Some of them I get in 4th or 5th grade and they stay with me until they go to college.

So, I get to work with these kids individually, every single week, for years.

There has been a definite difference in kids' attention spans, tolerance for discomfort, and ambition over the past decade. I'm not putting the blame on anyone (I think it's a multitude of causes) but I am saying there is a marked difference.

It's a balancing act. Also, perceptions change over your lifetime. Much of it is based on your own ups and downs.

My parents being self centered meant they had interesting lives, which enriched me greatly. However, I lacked substantial instruction and supervision because of this. That means I had freedom, and not so much "smothering" or control freaks as parents. Free to rise or fall of my own doing. They just set the example of how to live your own lives. Too many people worry about what other people are doing.

I honestly felt pretty empty as everyone in my family was on a rocket ship ride toward their own goals. I never really had any, nor do I now. I did alright anyway, and one thing I def have is my freedom....and their example.

a reply to: FlyingFox

I had a similar upbringing, and I feel pretty much the same way...

a reply to: KansasGirl

That's certainly a very different situation than my kids were in. And I don't doubt you've seen changes I haven't -- or at least not in the same way. Like you, I think there's many reasons all compounding each other.

With all the toxins in our environment -- soil, air, water, food, etc -- I don't think any of us are really in our right minds any more.

So what do we do about it? What can we do about it?

a reply to: Redback

I hear you brother. Unfortunately folks that have not experienced similar find it hard to comprehend and not for lack of empathy either. It's just far too removed from their own experiences in my opinion so do not waste your time but rather than look out for answers (because that will just lead you to narcassistic relationships as an adult) look within and ask the right questions.

Having been through similar, I often found for pretty much the whole first chapter of life, it is a sort of dance between sanity and insanity or at least I thought it was until more recently. For me the freeing thing was to understand that the anger, sadness, the repetative flashes of horrible memories etc changed when I asked on a self level. If I do not want to live like this anymore then who is doing this and why?

In time you recognise that it is your ego and with more time you can forgive others for what they did to it. In the end you can actually become thankful for it because as painful and horrible a lesson as it is... without the experiences, you would not be the person you are or can become, it is a gift of self knowledge. Let go of your ego, do not worry, it is not yourself. Trust me, the ego is very crafty and it will make you think it is you that is suicidal etc, it is not, it is the fear of ego death or in other words, who am I, if I let go of what they have done to me!?





Hope this makes sense or at least helps in some way, it is a tough thing to put into words. It is a rough journey but do not give up no matter what and you'll scratch the itch so to speak

I sincerely wish you well and hope you find yourself!

I halfway agree with you. I do think a lot of them had it okay and blaming failure on your childhood isn't a great thing. But our childhoods do have a big influence on us and who we become as adults. If it's bad enough where you require counseling over it, I can see saying your childhood INFLUENCED something happening or not in your adult life. But I don't like claiming it's the reason fully.

My parents were addicts through my entire childhood. We were very poor. We got evicted numerous times. We lived in Detroit until I was 12. Growing up in that city was awful. I witnessed a gun to my parents head when our house was broken into. A gun to my moms head on the way walking to the store together. Our house was raised by the police at one point. It was rough to say the least!

But I've never blamed my parents or childhood for anything. I had control over my adult life. What happened in my adult life was up to me. The person I am was shaped by my childhood, and I like to believe it gave me more positive qualities if anything. But it also gave me some fears that made certainl things difficult to do, but not impossible! So I never blamed them for anything. I actually feel bad for them. They also had it rough as kids, and they couldn't stop the cycle.

But ultimately we create our circumstance when we grow up. Some of us will have to fight harder than most. But we are more powerful and capable than we think.