How to forgive when not welcme

originally posted by: zatara
There is this girl ex-girlfriend who I very much would like to have in a special place in my heart. Just because I know will always love her... The problem is that she broke my heart in a terrible manner. The way she did that confirms that she never really cared for me and after a lot of profiling I came to the conclusion that she must have a personality disorder, There is no way a "normal" person would do what she did to me. The problem is that I still need closure after some years and that she is not helping me to find it.

How can you forgive someone who is not interested in your forgivenes...and probably not deserve to be forgiven. A kind of catch 22 situation which needs to put to rest.

Anybody familiar with such a situation?

Stop being a simp or Capt Save a Hoe. The chick doesnt deserve you. Move on. One type of other fish in the sea.

BEst advice I ever got? Forgive yourself for wasting your time on someone who clearly doesn't care. Move on.

Adopt a Rottweiler. Name it after her. Treat it well, train it well. It will provide you unconditional love as long as it lives. And it won’t break your heart (as long as you take care of it).

a reply to: zatara

Forgiveness heals your heart not so much hers
Forgiveness is about you letting go

It's hard and it just doesn't happen, it takes work.
For your sake, just say you have hurt me I am in pain but, I forgive you

Unforgiveness builds up anger and pain, bitterness and hate, it overwhelms you over time

originally posted by: zatara
There is this girl ex-girlfriend who I very much would like to have in a special place in my heart. Just because I know will always love her... The problem is that she broke my heart in a terrible manner. The way she did that confirms that she never really cared for me and after a lot of profiling I came to the conclusion that she must have a personality disorder, There is no way a "normal" person would do what she did to me. The problem is that I still need closure after some years and that she is not helping me to find it.

How can you forgive someone who is not interested in your forgivenes...and probably not deserve to be forgiven. A kind of catch 22 situation which needs to put to rest.

Anybody familiar with such a situation?

Many have visited the place you are currently visiting. You need to rely on yourself to get beyond this problem, not her. It is not her problem.

Its a time when you have to dig deep and so you must do that. While it makes no difference to you now, you will be stronger for it when you emerge from where you are now.

Ask yourself what role have you played in arriving at your present position? Do not constantly ask what role she played in it.

Ask your self or others what are some things you can do to move on from this place. I can tell you that what worked for me was negative self talk about the lady concerned but make sure you dont over oeverboard with it either.

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: zatara
How can you forgive someone who is not interested in your forgivenes...and probably not deserve to be forgiven. A kind of catch 22 situation which needs to put to rest.

Why would you even waste your time giving forgiveness to someone who neither

wants or is interested in *your* forgiveness.

airs of grandeur perhaps?

and after a lot of profiling I came to the conclusion that she must have a personality disorder, There is no way a "normal" person would do what she did to me.

Are you qualified to make diagnoses?

The problem is that I still need closure after some years and that she is not helping me to find it.

Its your problem......she is not responsible for solving it .... she has moved

on, and you'll feel better if you move on too.

To answer your first question...why forgive someone who is not interested in my forgivenes..? Well...it is part of finding peace in my mind and prevent me from finding other reasons for blaming her for the unhappines she introduced into my life. With forgiveness I would be able to not think about it all any further and put a stop to it.

The second question.. If I am qualified to make such a diagnosis...? No, I am certainly not but the conclusion I came up with can clarify her behaviour and make pieces of the puzzle fit for me... If it works for me, even if my diagnosis is off ...it helps me to find that safe, peacefull and quiet place in my heart and mind.

Your third... Yes, it is my problem but saying she has no responsibillity to help me find closure I do not agree. We both were in this relationship and we both had responsibillity to make it work. The succes of a blossoming relationship is the result of both our efforst to make it work. Just from a decent point of view I think that people are also responsible for the happines of the other when it doesn't work out. I believe that it is a humain thing to help your ex finding a way to move on if there are issues he or she can not ccmprehend and make it unable to move on. To ignore or to refuse helping this ex with moving on is just an other way to hurt this person again..... It is of course a wonderful piece of information and opportunity to cause some more unhappines if you are not done hurting this person...and in this case me.

So, yes she is part responsible for solving it.

a reply to: zatara

Even if someone else is responsible and legitimately at blame -- you cannot rely on that.

Tons of people have wronged me and absolutely refuse to take responsibility. They will go to their grave refusing to admit the truth.

A lot of people are in denial.
Don't be one of them.

If someone is being impossible I highly suggest you consider the value of your time and the futility of wasting it on someone who never grows as a person or learns to do the right thing.

originally posted by: zatara

To answer your first question...why forgive someone who is not interested in my forgivenes..? Well...it is part of finding peace in my mind and prevent me from finding other reasons for blaming her for the unhappines she introduced into my life. With forgiveness I would be able to not think about it all any further and put a stop to it.

No body out side of yourself is responsible for your happiness or your peace

of mind. Wanting to forgive her when she doesn't want your forgiveness is a

way of hanging on to her and what you had. You need to let go....she has .

with forgiveness I would be able to not think about it any further

If you believe that you are kidding yourself only time and personnel application

will do that.

Your third... Yes, it is my problem but saying she has no responsibillity to help me find closure I do not agree. We both were in this relationship and we both had responsibillity to make it work. The succes of a blossoming relationship is the result of both our efforst to make it work. Just from a decent point of view I think that people are also responsible for the happines of the other when it doesn't work out. I believe that it is a humain thing to help your ex finding a way to move on if there are issues he or she can not ccmprehend and make it unable to move on. To ignore or to refuse helping this ex with moving on is just an other way to hurt this person again..... It is of course a wonderful piece of information and opportunity to cause some more unhappines if you are not done hurting this person...and in this case me.

Its over and neither of you are responsible for the other......

Often people say a break up is amicable but thats a cover up, because one

of the couple is always hurt, or has loved more than the other. I think that is

where you are?

So, yes she is part responsible for solving it.

Sorry to disagree with you, but no one else (or she) is responsible for you or

your feelings ...... part of lifes pains. (I may be wrong but I think you are very

young?)


I wish you peace and luck and something life taught me is *and this too will pass*

You are looking for an internal solution from the external. Of course you are not going to find it that way.

When you visit a beautiful nature spot only once, and never again, it becomes a memory, an idea, energy inside of you, it's no longer real to you. You like to think it's real, you 'miss' it, and for all anyone knows, it -may- still exist in real reality (or not - many nature spots get destroyed), but that's not important.

What's important that it now only exists inside of you as an 'idea', and can be processed as such.

The same thing goes for the relationships that end. No matter what she's really like, no matter what actually happened, if you do the right thing and stop being in contact with her, she becomes an "idea only" inside of you, and THAT is where you can find the solution. Find whatever forgiveness for yourself, let her go, and realize she's now purely a 'living idea inside yourself' instead of any real entity. Address that idea to get closure, forgive yourself to get closure, see yourself for what you really are and give yourself freedom by letting go.