Does it get better

So as many know I made the heart transplant list a couple of months ago...I should be happy right? But I'm not...I can't help it... I can't be happy or excited about being on the list. I should have never been in this situation. I always tried to be a good person, but maybe this is the karma/fate I have now have to deal with, or as Christians would say my cross to bare (not christian).

I have tried to find solice in religion, which I can't because after dying twice I know there isn't a god there. I just don't want to cease to exist. All the hurtful things I have done I wish I could take away. All the plans I had and every idea I had I wish I would have dedicated and completed.

I love my fiancee but I hate this burden I have put on her. Don't worry I'm not suicidal, my heart won't last longer, and if it does, its only a limited amount of time after transplant.

I know, I am depressed, I also suffering badly from PTSD after waking up after 3 months in a coma and freaking out that I have a mechanical heart...it which was supposed to have been a basic operation, that turned into 3 open heart surgeries in 2 days, and my heart dying... This happened last in 1972!! so why....why after 46 YEARS would it happen....to me....

My psychiatrist has me on a antidepressant, Clonazapam, nabalone, ativan just to keep the coma nightmares away.

It feels like this has been only the start, and I'm so god damn tired I don't even know if my body is strong enough to get through a transplant. The song Nutshell is constantly playing in my head, I think its because I see a reflection in it.

Sorry I just needed to rant...I am sure I will again.

For those who have asked to "See" it.... pic added

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

I survived cancer from about 12-15 years ago. It was a three year battle. I'm one of the unhappiest people on the planet, and regret every day I ever stepped into the hospital for treatment. There has never been life for me after that.

May your journey be better than mine, truly, I wish it.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

Stay strong brother.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog


Praying for you to feel some happiness and a donor.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

Hang in there bro.. you're story is incredibly inspiring. Keep fighting and being the best you can be. It sounds like you are doing just that - sending good vibes your way

Life is pretty hard, in general. I'm not sure it necessarily gets easier, but things can happen that make it better.

Sometimes its only for a moment, but I think those moments count for something, even if its simple, momentary contentment. I've learned one must be open to experiencing that moment though, much less appreciate it.

Its a helluva journey, and one that will end with absolute certainty. I choose to seek those special moments out in the hope that they will flip in front of my consciousness when I leave, like some kind of beautiful slideshow.

I'd be ok with that. I've experienced some genuinely novel things.

It's like a court verdict of reasonable doubt, your belief or unbelief....
In 2000 I was diagnosed with atrial stenosis. Typically terminal within a year of diagnosis.

I now have a St. Jude artificial heart valve. I have cheated Death by 17 years. I believe in Christ.
There may be nothing I can tell beyond this. I don't think any of it has been in vain.. If you let me, I will add you in my prayers every day, I am a prayers warrior.

I personally believe in reincarnation
In my world view only your body died but your “soul” knew it wasn’t time.
You saw nothing when you “died” as it was basically sleep without a heartbeat.

It sounds like you have a lot of regrets, have you tried making amends where you can?

a reply to: IkNOwSTuff

I believe similarly. Though I believe in reincarnation, I don't think its the "Law of the Land." Very roughly speaking, I think whatever we believe will happen is what happens. In some ways, that could be neat, but in others...

Its not like any of us know, but what I've experienced in death (it got better!) didn't seem like it was the whole picture.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

Wow, you have been through a lot. I wish you the best. What was the routine surgery you initially went in for, if you don't mind me asking. May you feel stronger every day and receive your donor heart sooner than expected.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

I don't know the background here but those pictures are awful. So to answer your question, Yeah, it can get better. You'll get a new heart and it's going to be really rough (like I even know the first thing about it, right?) and it's going to hurt, and it's definitely not fair. But surely it will be better for you than what is going on now. For whatever it's worth, I'm SO SORRY you are going through this.

a reply to: NarcolepticBuddha

I hope this helps. If you have questions they
I will welcome them in the hopes of helping
anyone. I have so many reasons to believe you
are wrong to deny yourself the only hope you
may have. What you certainly do have? Is my
hope for you to find the same come what may
solace my wife found.

above top secret

From your posted photos, you look to be in pretty good shape physically speaking.

Much better than I was before my surgery six years ago: six way bypass (btw, there are only nine arteries to the heart that can be grafted).

I know you probably won’t believe me, because I didn’t believe anyone who told me that I would get though my surgery, but you will get through.

And you will feel better. It may take a few weeks, more likely a few months, but a healthy heart feels so much better than a sick one; like having new batteries installed!

Yes, the hospital food wil be inedible, and yes, until your sternum heals, sneezing and coughing will be excruciating (I actually saw not just stars but whole constellations!). But that all passes.

The hospital food just passes a lot more slowly.

I don’t know if this will help you, but something my cardiac surgeon said helped me in a strangely powerful way: “A healthy heart wants to beat, we never have any problem getting a healthy heart re-started”.

For me, that works on many levels.

ETA: PM me if I can help.

Impressive, it looks like a one cylinder motorcycle engine. Or maybe a blender.

At least you are still alive and able to teach us something. I think I would want to be on antidepressants if I had the artificial heart in my body. On top of that, they made a hole in the tatoo.

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

Yes, it can and will.

Have you visited (thought about) the Cleveland Clinic?

Best of luck, and continue leaning on that fiance...in sickness and in health.

Sounds like you are a real fighter-now you are coming into the final stretch-getting on that special list. You look young enough to have a lot to look forward to once this all heals-and wow-a heart transplant survivor-pretty special.

Think of all the experiences you will enjoy when you are better. So much to look forward to. You might make a list as your
inspiration. This will pass. You will survive. You will more than likely reach that point where you realize how lucky you were and spend the rest of your life making the absolute most of the gift you were given.

Here's hoping these down times give way to a future of adventures and pleasures.

S**t Happens...

a reply to: Ghostsinthefog

so you've been on a mechanical heart for 46 years?!
thats incredible, impressive, terrifying, and enraging all at the same time, enraging that you had to wait so long, we need to pick up the pace with manufacture of organs science that they have been promising for decades.


all the reincarnation and nde stories i have read have me convinced, the body is just a vessel, if your spirit wishes to live again it will.

relax and let them try and repair your vessel.

originally posted by: Ghostsinthefog
I have tried to find solice in religion...

That was your first mistake...

The reason you never found solace in religion has nothing to do with whether God exists or not.

Religion will NEVER tell you the TRUTH...

Religion is one massive LIE created as a mind control weapon designed to cover up the truth.

The hidden agenda behind it is to cause people to hate God and it works VERY well.

• God is NOT the author of Religion.

• God HATES Religion.

• Religion ALWAYS lies...

• God and Religion are enemies and opposites.

• Organized religion is evil only because Satan is the one behind it...

• Religion is an Illuminati tool used to deliberately deceive and confuse.

Wanting to be LIKE the Most High is what got him thrown out of Heaven...

“I will ascend above the highest clouds, I will make myself like the Most High.” Isaiah 14:14

"Every major religion in the world has been manufactured or infiltrated by the Illuminati to enslave and brainwash society. In essence, religion was the first form of mind control." Link

"Today the religions of the world remain a major tool of the Illuminati agenda." Link

If answers are what you are seeking, you need to study those who have already found them.

Howard Storm, Ian McCormack, George Rodonaia are just a few examples.

Another excellent source is Lancaster Prophetic Conference, this is currently my favorite source for learning the reasons why we are here.

George Rodonaia underwent one of the most extended cases of a near-death experience ever recorded. Pronounced dead immediately after he was hit by a car in 1976, he was left for three days in the morgue. He did not "return to life" until a doctor began to make an incision in his abdomen as part of an autopsy procedure. Prior to his NDE he worked as a neuropathologist. He was also an avowed atheist.

"Dr. Rodonaia was a vocal Soviet dissident killed by the KGB, pronounced dead, taken to a freezer vault in the morgue for three days and returned to life during his own autopsy. Dr. Rodonaia was a psychiatric researcher who worked for the KGB and later became a dissident. He was a scientist trained in historical materialism and did not believe in God." Of all the cases I have investigated in my 26 years of work in the field, his is the most dramatic, the longest, the most evidential, and the most soul-stirring.

Ian was night diving off the island of Mauritius when he was stung multiple times by Box Jellyfish, which are among the most venomous creatures in the world. His testimony relates how he clung to life while getting to hospital, was declared clinically dead soon afterwards, and how during this time he had an encounter with Jesus, which radically changed the direction of his life. Link

Everything we discussed it was because I asked a question. One of the most wonderful answers He gave me was when I asked Him which is the best religion? I was thinking Catholic, Presbyterian, and Protestant etc. His answer was, “The best religion is the one that brings you closest to God,” he was referring to how I meant it. And I said which one brings you closest? He said, “There are good people in bad religions and bad people in good religion. It is not about the religion it is about your relationship with God.”

This is the best Near Death Experience (NDE) interview that I have ever seen. Take your time with this. This is the DEEP END of the pool.

God (or whatever you believe in) bless you.