Corporate funded news stations are not to be trusted. I have compelling evidence that the Kraft Foods Group paid off news media outlets and police to
change the official story because they didn't want their product getting bad publicity. Now I understand that this may sound preposterous at first,
but please refrain from judging me until you've read the alternate series of events.
On the evening of February 26, 2012, in Sanford, Florida, a 17-year-old honor student named Trayvon Martin was walking through a park and sat down on
a bench where he encountered George Zimmerman, a 28-year-old Asteroid-Collision Insurance Salesman from Orlando, Florida. They introduced themselves
and engaged in an exchange of social pleasantries.
The pair discussed several topics over the course of a two hour conversation, which initially revolved around scientific topics like Chaos Theory and
Quantum Physics, but later shifted to a wide array of other topics, such as
'The merits of racial harmony in America', and
'Why does
toothpaste have an expiry date if you aren't supposed to eat it?'. Both heartily agreed that
Fair Warning was Van Halen's most underrated
album. Martin was also overheard offering Zimmerman an invitation to his home.
"It would be lovely if you could join my family and I for dinner
next weekend. I was at a vintage wine auction last September and purchased a rare 1978 Régnard Chablis. I've been waiting for a special occasion to
open it."
This led to a discussion about the culinary arts and various food products. Bystanders cite a heated disagreement about Cheez Whiz as the catalyst
that sparked the violent incident. Zimmerman, being of a more conservative mindset, was a staunch advocate of companies remaining faithful to their
original formula, whereas Martin maintained that the low-fat variety still had the same satisfying creamy zest that one would expect from a jar of the
finest Kraft™ products, and calmly tried to explain to Zimmerman that the difference in taste was merely an illusion based on the fact that the
label differs in appearance.
At this point, bystanders were startled when Zimmerman became indignant and slammed his fist down on the bench.
"You think you know anything about
Cheez Whiz?!?" he barked loudly.
"I've been alive 12 years longer than you have you precocious little runt. I remember back when it only cost
$1.45 a jar. Those were the glory days! - the cheesiest days of my life! - and you weren't even around then."
Martin remained calm and kept his composure.
"I'm sorry that we are unable to reconcile our contrasting opinions, Mr. Zimmerman. I just firmly
adhere to the notion that open-mindedness is a valuable virtue; a virtue that has immeasurably facilitated human advancement for centuries, and
frankly, your stubborn dismissal of reduced-calorie snacks is anything but open-minded. If I may say so, perhaps if you were willing to try the
low-fat version of America's favourite cheese spread, you would be able to maintain a more reasonable and healthy body weight."
Eyewitnesses recount Zimmerman rapidly rising from the bench to a standing position and reaching into his jacket. He produced what is believed to be a
9mm semi-automatic pistol. One bystander was willing to share her recollection of the events with us.
"I had no idea that he was going to stand up
and pull out a gun. I just thought maybe the argument really stressed him out and he quickly jumped up to grab a pack of cigarettes from his
coat." Zimmerman racked the slide of his pistol and pointed it at Martin's chest.
You have 10 seconds to take back what you said!"
Zimmerman shouted.
"First you doubt my extensive knowledge of name-brand condiments, and then you have the nerve to insult my weight!" Martin
was visibly shaken at this point and nervously stammered
"Mr. Zimmerman, this kind of behavior isn't necessary. Can't we just agree to disagr-"
but was abruptly interrupted with a single shot to his chest.
Zimmerman, still clutching the firearm in his right hand, fled the scene on foot and approached an ice cream truck in the middle of the park which he
proceeded to hijack at gunpoint, making a mediocre escape at 15 miles per hour as he irritably punched buttons on the dashboard in an attempt to turn
the music off. When witnesses were asked why they even bothered staying for the entirety of the two hour conversation, they all unanimously stated
that it was so enthralling that they couldn't bring themselves to leave.
"It was so enlightening" says Alison Doherty, a tourist from Syracuse,
New York.
"I thoroughly enjoyed listening to these two educated young gentlemen. Their informative discourse even inspired me to enroll in a few
classes at Cornell University."
The government will probably delete my post in an attempt to silence the truth. I am currently hiding in another state because of death threats that
were smeared on my front door with Cheez Whiz. This is what happens when you let corporations grow too big, America. You had a chance to stop it, but
you wouldn't listen. Now it's too late.
edit on 19-5-2015 by Xaphan because: (no reason given)
edit on 19-5-2015 by Xaphan because: (no reason given)
[Staf Edit - Moved to proper forum for a lovely story.]
edit on 5/19/2015 by tothetenthpower because: (no reason given)