Staying with a cheater = lack of self respect?

a reply to: Char-Lee

In that case, we are in complete agreement.


You'd be surprised (or maybe not) at how many people just don't understand that concept.

originally posted by: signalfire
Excuse me, but you don't fall in love with, or in bed with someone, 'by mistake'.

I'm not suggesting a person just walks along, trips and mistakenly ends up having an affair with another person. That's not the kind of mistake I mean.

I mean when you make a judgment call without thinking it through fully, letting the "moment" have more weight than logical thought and end up doing something REALLY stupid that you later regret. It happens. It's a mistake.

I know I've made decisions in my life that I later kicked myself for. I started smoking. I got too drunk. I dated an asshat. I got married at 15. None of these decisions did I just "fall into" by accident. I made a decision to do these things and they were mistakes. We all make mistakes.

a reply to: jhn7537

Being cheated in my opinion is one of the most disrespectful actions anyone can commit and I would most certainly not hang around, I would actually avoid that person with no contact what so ever to prove a big damn point.. I wouldn't say that staying with a cheater means you don't respect yourself though.. There are many scenarios and many reasons why someone would hang around.

a reply to: jhn7537

Most people won't agree with me but I think there are different types of cheating. If your partner and you have had a great relationship except for that one drunken trip to the Bahamas back in 82' where they had a rendezvous they only remember 4% of due to blacking out...I say that's a little different than someone carrying on an affair behind your back and feeding you lies and manipulation.

I would forgive the drunken mistake or stupid one time deal. I wouldn't forgive an affair because those types of deals are more than sex. It's about respect and that person is repeatedly lying to your face and using you(and most likely other person).

If my girlfriend came up to me tomorrow and told me she had gone out and had a one time thing, first I would be shocked...then I would ask her the circumstances. 90% of those types of encounters are alcohol induced. I would then ask her not to go out drinking again and remind her we are way too old for stupid # like that. Then I would ask her to get an STD test. Then I would more than likely forget about it as it's really not that big of a deal to me. I wouldn't let her know that but for some stupid drunken thing that she is now guilt ridden over, I'd probably just let it go. I would remind her of alcohol intake etc etc...but I dunno. I just don't give that much of a # about one time mistakes like that. Maybe it's because I have had severe drinking problems in past and know the stupid behavior you exhibit. I don't see her ever doing that though, if she ever did I would be shocked no doubt.

I think taking someone back who has had an affair is a risky business in self respect because of the manipulation that has been expressed throughout the ordeal. Taking someone back means you acknowledge that they have essentially played you like a cheap fiddle and you are forgiving them.

a reply to: OrphanApology

See that's where I differ from you.. It comes down to being responsible especially when you have made a commitment with another person in a relationship. Firstly, the person who goes out and gets drunk, has a one night stand isn't responsible... 2nd, If I was told years later I would still be very pissed off because she didn't tell me straight away and lied over all that time also. The trust thing is massive in this type of situation and I don't think I could trust that person the same after being cheated on regardless of it being an innocent mistake or an affair.

a reply to: EaglesFan

I get your point and I understand why most people feel that way. But for me, I just don't care that much about one night stand thing. Now the exception and this is purely from a lesbian viewpoint...if I found out my gf cheated with a guy, one night stand, I think I'd be severely grossed out for awhile and probably have an Ace Ventura moment. For various logistical reasons. But I'd probably forgive her, but I don't know...I think that opens up another can of worms in regard to her wanting other things. Just the one night aspect though, it's something that can be overcome. It really depends on the quality of the relationship and person your dealing with.

a reply to: EaglesFan

double

Wow, lots of drunks here.

I guess that might explain a lot; getting shatfaced, having a one night stand, etc, is a 'mistake'. Not a way of life?

In this case, the problem isn't the fact that the drunkedness happened around other drunks, and one of them had a usable sexual apparatus, but that certain people would seem to have a tendency to get drunk, do whatever they feel like, and then pretend 'they made a mistake'.

This isn't adults having relationships, this is adolescent behaviors that were never outgrown. I sure hope you're not responsible for anyone or anything other than your own liver.

a reply to: signalfire

Not sure who this post was directed at or why really. My post is the last one that makes rational sense in being the object of your post, so I will respond.

My post stated :I had a drinking problem in the past. It would be my personal decision to forgive something in regard to a one time drunken mistake. If others in this topic have said same thing, perhaps you should read what is being said instead of poisoning the well of discourse with immediate put downs. I would personally respect someone coming up to me and being honest about making such a mistake. A long term affair is a different story altogether.

It is very nice that everyone holds such high standards of sexual partners, but if the proof is in the pudding neither men or women are terribly great at monogamy if you look at the numbers. Never have been. If it's due to making a stupid mistake, such as drinking too much and it hasn't happened before...I personally would forgive it. No need for piety as these are all personal decisions that in the end have only to do with the parties involved. What a person chooses in the context of their own relationships is their business as they are the ones involved...no? Calling people drunken adolescents with future liver disease does nothing to add substance to the OP or even address any points made.

originally posted by: OrphanApology

Most people won't agree with me but I think there are different types of cheating. If your partner and you have had a great relationship except for that one drunken trip to the Bahamas back in 82' where they had a rendezvous they only remember 4% of due to blacking out...I say that's a little different than someone carrying on an affair behind your back and feeding you lies and manipulation.
I would forgive the drunken mistake or stupid one time deal. I wouldn't forgive an affair because those types of deals are more than sex. It's about respect and that person is repeatedly lying to your face and using you(and most likely other person).
I just don't give that much of a # about one time mistakes like that

You cant get away from the FACT that cheating IS cheating, which ever

what way you dress it up.

To say someone just 'cheated' a little bit is a bit like saying someone is a

little bit pregnant!? LOL...

So when a 'drunken one night stand' becomes a drunken 5, 6, 7, one night

stands does that equate to a full blown affair?

Is lying by omission any less than repeatedly lying to your face?

originally posted by: Hoosierdaddy71
Some of this comes down to why the cheating happened.
Are you doing something wrong in the relationship to drive your partner away.

Hey! Hey! ......Nice one ......

I'm going to cheat on you, and make sure you believe it's all your fault!!

Different types of "cheating".. So having a deep conversation with someone who can mentally compete with you on an intellectual level is cheating? (Well, then we're all chatting here, since it's been and women discussing any number of topics).

Looking at someone else is a type of cheating.. (Guess no more looking at movie stars, people at the mall, etc.)

Unless your partner is on your mind 24 x 7, and you have no friends of the opposite sex.. You can "technically" accuse anyone of cheating. It just depends on how jealous you get of your spouse/bf/gf giving anyone of the opposite gender any amount of their time, and not giving it to you.

I mean, with that kind'a thinking, it's beyond ridiculous.

Now, I'm Married, for 10 years here soon. I admit, my eyes wander, and well, my spouse isn't on my mind 24 x 7.. I have two kids, in fact, so she can't be on my mind all the time. (For those of you wondering, yes, I'm still a "good boy", unless you go with looking and talking to others as cheating). But it seems there are more and more on social sites, where you find something someone said interesting, and you begin talking to them, and once they find out your married, start accusing you of trying to cheat. It really goes beyond ridiculous. Just because a few do, does not mean ALL do.

What I'm not seeing a lot of in any of these posts is the whole "love" thing most people like to toss around. I don't buy the BS that your only supposed to "love" one person. Do you love only 1 of your kids? Do you not love your mom, dad, wife, other children because you already love one of the others? So why is it such a incomprehensible thing to be able to love more then 1 person, unconditionally.. Oh... wait.. I used the term... Unconditionally.

And who ever decided to tie sex to love is just a controlling tool. Desire, love and sex are not exclusive by any means.

OF course, our social media and entertainment go a long way into helping us shape our insecurities, don't they.

I get so tired of the "socially acceptable" crap. It's like school dress code for adults. Everyone HAS to be the same. I call bullpucky.

Your life, your choices. No one has any room to speak or render judgement on it. (note: as long as your not breaking the legal laws).

What if there are people who are self-confidant, and are able to love more then 1 person "like that"? It takes a bit of thinking, and reasoning to consider..

Nothing in this world is... set in stone..

Jealousy is a powerful thing, but like any monster, if you refuse to feed it, it cannot grow.

a reply to: jhn7537

...the way society promotes sex and checking everything out visually i think once the realtionship gets to a cartain point then cheating is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

And we have had the institution of marriage taught to us since we were born. People sometimes have a life goal to get married and have kids. Why doesnt anyone want to build something that can benefit future generations? Because they were taught that having a marriage is important. Marriage is a contradiction to your instincts imo.

And saying somebody doesnt respect themselves is funny. Im assuming the person who made the comment about respecting themselves works out everyday, eats a perfect diet, makes $400k + per year because they have a PhD in basket weaving, etc.

Staying with a cheater = lack of self respect?

Not always.

I think there are definitely some exceptions here, and everything is kind of a case-by-case.

In my opinion, anyone who cheats connects too easily eith other people, & such fickle personalities aren't worthy of your time in a serious relationship.

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

I'm sorry, but this is a common viewpoint and a load of crap.

PLENTY of people cheat whose spouse is bending over backwards to meet their emotional needs met and the cheater has no inclination or capacity to realize this. There are self-centered people all over the world, my friend, and many of them don't know what their emotional needs are in the first place.

THEY CHEAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO.

Not all cheaters are poor victims who aren't getting their emotional needs met. That's called blaming the victim my friend instead of calling the self-centered cheater a NARCISSIST.

My god, what a load of crap. Think of all the idiot cheaters who can run around saying, "I'm cheating because my emotional needs aren't being met."

Perfect excuse.