Staying with a cheater = lack of self respect?

a reply to: jhn7537

Keep in mind that not only does society not allow us to talk about this kind of thing easily, but the emotional overlay is huge; she loves you but accidentally meets this other person and finds she is attracted to, wants to spend time with them also. The feelings of guilt, needing to hide it (because society says this is wrong and who knows what the outcome of honesty would be?) and so on.

Maybe she didn't lie to you because she wanted to lie, only because that is what society pretty much demands of us? It takes a very well integrated mature person to deal with this well, and not many of us are up to the task, or have been taught how to go about it.

What you have to determine is, will my life be better or worse off with this person in or out of it... and only you can determine that. Will you let ego interfere, or will you give her, her freedom, and in the end become a more attractive partner to her because of that? Confidence in one's own sovereignty is highly attractive; most people have no idea what that even means, nor are they willing to offer that freely to others.

originally posted by: jhn7537

"If you stay with your partner after they cheated on you then you are telling the world you don't respect yourself"... I've been thinking about that line on and off since I heard it and I don't know if that's necessarily true. I understand that cheating is a very selfish action one can take. It is also worse when the person compounds the dirty deed with multiple lies trying to cover it up, but ultimately, in life, the truth typically comes out. If a person does decide to stay with their cheating significant other I can see how others would think that you have a lack of respect for yourself, but maybe it was a one time mistake...

More to the point is that it is they who have little respect for you

A one time mistake?? ....

NO a deliberate choice on their part .... with NO consideration of the hurt and

betrayal to their partner, followed by the lies and deceptions to cover up their

own weakness and lack of self discipline!!

Why do they do it?? Because they can .......

a reply to: jhn7537

Here is a recent experience I had with a cheater. (I am male btw)

I met this girl and she started talking dirty to me and sending me naked pictures of herself while asking if I wanted to hook up in a few hours
I told her to take it slow and get to know each other a little first.
(naked pics should have been my first clue)

She emails me at 2am and tells me that she is really honest and loyal so she wanted me to know she lives with her boyfriend (who didn't know)
First thing i thought...if you are that honest and loyal,what about your boyfriend??

I shook my head and kicked her to the curb and deemed her emotionally crippled.
I feel bad for the guy who she lives with....her boyfriend.

So yes cheaters and the people who stay with them are both emotionally crippled people.

Wow, another theme I'm seeing in the responses... 'was it a mistake, did she show remorse...'

MISTAKE? REMORSE??

Excuse me, but you don't fall in love with, or in bed with someone, 'by mistake'. It's obviously thought about in advance for whatever period of time. Sure there's a lot of emotion involved but that goes with the territory.

And why should someone show 'remorse'? They haven't accidentally run over your dog.

They met another human being who seemed to add something to their life that maybe even they didn't know was missing beforehand. There's no 'fault' involved here, there's just human behaviors, and if the statistics on how many married people have had 'affairs' is accurate, it's pretty damn common. Why should someone show remorse, and beg for forgiveness and all that malarky, when they were doing something perfectly human and perfectly common? (Want to stone them too, like Islam and the Bible both demand? Do you see how much of this is based on ugly jealousy and immaturity??)

Geeze Louise, time to grow up. Maybe the reason you're having trouble in your relationships is the lack of awareness; about people, about emotions, about your place in the universe. Be the best companion, the best friend, the best lover you can, and let other people decide how much time they want to spend with you based on what you have to offer, not on what demands you make.

And meanwhile, you're free to do the same.

If children are involved, obviously things are complicated and THEIR NEEDS HAVE TO COME FIRST. If you've had children with this woman, you need to continue interacting with her until they are of age both emotionally and financially, but not in the same household if you feel you can't do that, or if finances allow.

Other than that, you are a free sovereign individual and so are they and you both have always been.

a reply to: signalfire

I am seriously lost with your logic, I can understand if you're into being with multiple people, more power to you. You can't expect people who want to be in a monogamous relationship to share your same sentiment.

It has nothing to do with owning a person, you both have ground rules which you both agree with. Cheating is a basic ground rule, so by breaking that rule you've broken the trust in the agreement you had with each other. It's not because society why you would feel guilty, it's your own conscience knowing you broke someones trust.

I'm sorry if I don't want my companion to go around the block a million times over to realize I was the best choice all along, that's not how things work...

a reply to: jhn7537

As someone who has been alive long enough to experience this situation on various levels and in various ways, I have to tell you that your answer to this question is likely to change as you get older, and find yourself in different stages of life with newly garnered wisdom and a breadth of experience.

If you're 65 years old and your husband cheats, packing up and leaving might not be your first inclination.

If you're 28 with two kids in high chairs, staying with a cheating husband might not seem like a good idea given you have the rest of your life to live. The cheating feels much more pronounced depending on your situation in life.

But here's what I know for sure: Someone's reaction to cheating will and does vary with the situation. There are a million valid reasons to stay, and a million valid reasons to leave. It depends on who and where you are in life. There is no right or wrong answer---no "one response fits all" scenario. It's like everything else in life: You have to do what's right for you.

Serial cheating is a different story. So is physical and mental abuse. No one should tolerate those circumstances--ever.

Not everyone who stays with a cheater lacks self-esteem. In fact, some women I know who stayed with a cheater did so because they had great amounts of self-esteem and felt their marriage was worth working on. They had the chomps to make it work.

a reply to: signalfire


Couples, pairs what ever usually agree between themselves whether

they are in an "open" or "exclusive" relationship.

Therefor its obvious no one cheats in an "open" relationship ..... So cheating

is only applicable to those who commit to exclusivity.

So ....IF you make the commitment its up to you to keep it?

a reply to: Char-Lee

Sorry that you have been cheated on but you know 'naff all about my relationship and I assure you I really never have been cheated on by my husband. It is possible you know.

a reply to: jhn7537

I am a bit experienced in this subject matter as a participant. First of all, you are going to get a lot of advice that is self-centered, which blames the cheater and assumes that the 'victim' had nothing to do with why their partner cheated. They'll talk about having "self-respect" and all kinds of garbage. Nothing could be further from the truth. Disregard this advice.

I am sure in some cases, a person is a serial cheater and has a personality disorder or some other issue, but the reason people cheat is because they are not getting their emotional needs met. When they are not satisfied emotionally, they get them met elsewhere. It doesn't mean that a cheater is a bad person, they just made bad choices and do not have the skills necessary to communicate their needs to their partner. Or, they do have the skills, and their partner does not have the listening skills and does not address the problem, or a combination of the two. The problem lies in communication. No one knows how to do it, and people have too much pride to be able to admit that they need something from someone else.

People think that "love" should be automatic, and not something that is forced or what have you. That may be true in the first year or so, the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship, but after that is over comes the work of staying together. Some people can meet their partners needs without much effort, which is awesome, and rare. Those are the relationships that people (female people especially) feel that they "deserve" and they "won't settle" for anything less. Good luck with that one. Nobody deserves a damn thing except what you put into a relationship. It should be give/give, not take/take, or give/take. When 2 people work to meet their partner's needs, they are both happy and satisfied. If this doesn't happen you're going to find yourself in a string of relationships that don't work, and guess what? Maybe YOU are the problem.

If you are not married, or married without kids, and your partner isn't willing to talk to you or consider reconciling, then move on. But if you have kids together, do everything in your power to reconcile. Divorce should be the last option, not the first. Anger and resentment will take over and this will be put on the table early on. Bad idea. You have kids - it's not just about you, it's about them, too. Grow up.

Anyway, that's all I'll say to keep it short. There are books out there that can help, but the most important thing is to not assume that the cheater did it because they are an evil POS and there is no changing them. Maybe they are, but not likely.

Recommended reading (Should be required reading):

His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley.*
The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman

*I like this one.

Don't just chitty chat with your ignorant friends and get ill-informed advice - educate yourself.



By the way, I was cheated on, and I was part of the problem. Humble yourself and lose the pride.

Good luck.

originally posted by: Hecate666
a reply to: Char-Lee

Sorry that you have been cheated on but you know 'naff all about my relationship and I assure you I really never have been cheated on by my husband. It is possible you know.

I didn't mean to say you had been cheated on and yes I know not everyone cheats. I am simply saying there is no way to know anyone no matter how close you are or how long you have been together. This is a fact.

Some of this comes down to why the cheating happened.
Are you doing something wrong in the relationship to drive your partner away.
Or
Did the partner act on their own.
The first is a reason for change and a second chance.
The second is much harder to forgive.

a reply to: AccessDenied

Cheating doesn't just happen out of the blue. There are reasons within the relationship that lead up to it.

Sometimes this is not true. Sometimes the person cheating simply wants to have all the varieties out there. My husband seemed completely Family oriented, people called us the perfect Family and I thought it was true I was very happy, we were both considered very attractive, he always came home and called many times a day when he was at work very thoughtful, we did everything together. We built a successful business and built a home in the country, played, biked, swam, prayed with our kids.

No it was not anything missing in the relationship but something in him. I did find out after the divorce that he had become an alcoholic he was able to hide his drinking along with all the other stuff even though I am very observant so you just don't ever know.

a reply to: signalfire

And why should someone show 'remorse'? They haven't accidentally run over your dog.

For one thing they are risking your health as I know from a friend who suffered a disease from a cheating partner. I myself had my second child while on birth control so they are risking this also among other things, like ending up with a stalker or someone who wants the mate gone..there is no end to the possible repercussions of sharing your body with another person.

a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

but the reason people cheat is because they are not getting their emotional needs met

This is when you talk to your partner about your needs or you get a divorce and openly look elsewhere for those needs to be met.

originally posted by: jhn7537
I'm not looking to write out some long, dripping with emotion thread. I've been cheated on very bad once before, I've shared my story on ATS and received some great advice from many within the community here and I will always be appreciative of the thoughtful/honest responses I received.

I got into a discussion last night with a group of people and the topic has stuck with me. The topic we were discussing was cheating and what the appropriate actions to take when you are in fact cheated on. Everyone had their own take, most peoples views were pretty much in line with one another, but soon enough one of my friends stated "If you stay with your partner after they cheated on you then you are telling the world you don't respect yourself"... I've been thinking about that line on and off since I heard it and I don't know if that's necessarily true. I understand that cheating is a very selfish action one can take. It is also worse when the person compounds the dirty deed with multiple lies trying to cover it up, but ultimately, in life, the truth typically comes out. Can't two adults sit down discuss the cheating, the who, why, what, where, etc. of the situation to work past it or is the damage always done and once cheating happens the two parties should split? If a person does decide to stay with their cheating significant other I can see how others would think that you have a lack of respect for yourself, but maybe it was a one time mistake... I also understand that there's likely an opportunity to find another person out there who will be as crazy about you as you are with them and they won't cheat on you...

Ultimately, I wanted to get other ATS members take on this topic. If you stay with your significant other after they cheat on you does that mean you don't respect yourself?

When her daddy cheated he came home to her mother. he cuddled up with her and knew that she was the one. Sadly it took multiple times of doing this for him to prove it to himself. Ultimately she left him. he killed himself over her.

But you see it was the cheating that had to be done for him to know she was truly all he wanted.

Sometimes people's journey in finding who they are supposed to be with is a little unconventional for others.

originally posted by: Char-Lee
a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

but the reason people cheat is because they are not getting their emotional needs met

This is when you talk to your partner about your needs or you get a divorce and openly look elsewhere for those needs to be met.

And I addressed that. Did you read my whole post?

When it comes to cheating I am firm.

The only space I am willing to give is between the arch of her back and the mattress.

originally posted by: Hoosierdaddy71
Some of this comes down to why the cheating happened.
Are you doing something wrong in the relationship to drive your partner away.
Or
Did the partner act on their own.
The first is a reason for change and a second chance.
The second is much harder to forgive.

The problem I always have with this is if you're unhappy in your relationship and your needs aren't being met, then leave, end it, but to carry on a relationship while cheating (essentially having your cake and eating it too) is immature in my eyes. I hate that the person who gets cheated on is somewhat responsible... I agree that people may not be the best boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives, but if you're unhappy then end it.

originally posted by: ScientiaFortisDefendit

originally posted by: Char-Lee
a reply to: ScientiaFortisDefendit

but the reason people cheat is because they are not getting their emotional needs met

This is when you talk to your partner about your needs or you get a divorce and openly look elsewhere for those needs to be met.

And I addressed that. Did you read my whole post?

Yes I did read it..all but I responded to this.

but the reason people cheat is because they are not getting their emotional needs met

Leaving out respect and childrens rights and infidelities possible repercussions to the non cheater...

When people get married they actually sign a contract. People who are religious make promises to one another before their god. There is no if, and or but, if you feel the need to cheat fix the problem instead or agree to leave, but breaking your contract or religious vows secretly is not an option...for any reason. No other contract says you have an out because you were not capable of living up to it why should the marriage.

The people who never marry have to only consider what they vowed to each other.

originally posted by: whyamIhere
When it comes to cheating I am firm.

The only space I am willing to give is between the arch of her back and the mattress.

If she needs more space than that, just flip her over.

On topic:
My opinion is, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.'
That quote comes from my second wife, the one that was a serial cheater.