"It's a Good Day to Die." Is it selfish to let family know they will never see you again?

Not exactly on subject but I went to two funerals last year and in both cases the deceased did not want to have a funeral but the families went against those wishes and had open casket funerals. I thought it was wrong to go against the last wishes of the person . Any thoughts on that?

Closure gives peace, and allows for an easier grief process, imo. Having a loved one not TRUST you with the knowledge that they were going to die, not being able to process it (either with them or alone) is harder. If they clue in that you knew, a very normal reaction is anger - which most people don't want as their legacy...

Do you trust them with your vulnerability? We, in our mixed-up culture, associate vulnerability with "weakness" - when you say you (hypothetically?) don't want to "be a burden" are you possibly saying you don't want to be vulnerable and allow others to see you that way? Vulnerability is a prerequisite of true connection. It takes immense courage. Now, perhaps I'm putting something out there that doesn't resonate with you, and if so, I don't want to be putting words in your mouth or painting you with feelings you do not have, so, take it or leave it - no judgement here...

I will add a caveat. If you have family situation that makes real connection impossible (due to things outside your control - family dynamics and personalities, etc.) then know that being vulnerable doesn't mean "letting it all hang out" for people to stomp on. If it is emotionally unsafe, if one fears abuse in other words, I would consider writing a letter and standing back, or even only telling those you trust the most. It might seem like you are burdening someone, but the other side is that you are trusting them, and they will love you more deeply for that trust.

peace to you, and I really mean that,

AB

ps - people who love you will honor your wishes. Also, they may choose to honor you in spite of your request, but you won't be there to worry about it, so the point is moot.

a reply to: TDawgRex

Dawg...

If you do not intend to die, are not suffering a terminal illness, and are merely searching for adventure, then aside from possibly needing to examine the deep recesses of your mind to locate an explanation for your wanderlust, for your need to be excited, the only thing you need to tell your family at this point, is that you are off on a wild adventure, and you have no idea how it will turn out.

If your family know you well enough, they should accept that, just as you would accept their eccentricities, when and if they come up. There is nothing inherently harmful about feeling a need for adventure, for exploits outside the ordinary. It worth pointing out however, that you are a person who is naturally equipped for adventuring. You have a history of being outdoors, have the necessary wilderness survival skills to mitigate the general risk of spending time doing whacky things in the woods or what have you.

If I were you, and I was planning on just buggering off to the back end of nowhere with little but a compass and a geological survey map to guide me, I would just call my people, and tell them what I was planning.

Also, you have to remember that in this day and age, going off into the wilderness does not necessarily mean that you are going to be out of contact range the entire time that you are off on your madcap adventures (is it stupid that the very thought of you going off on a mad adventure, fills my head with the scenario of you blowing up a spacestation with laser beams from your eyes?).

These days, solar power packs and long range sat com gear are available to the public, although they are not exactly as cheap as your local Walmart's cheapest airtime plan on its crappiest mobile phone. They are an option however.

If however what you really mean is, that despite your relatively good health, you feel that your wyrd is upon you, and that you wish to meet it like a norse warrior... well. That has some pretty final connotations for someone, since that manner of thing usually ends with a pile of variously dismembered enemies behind one, and several severe lacerations to ones forward facing regions, not to mention serious tennis elbow, which on the face of it would be the least of ones concerns in such a scenario!

May I ask, what lead to you considering these things in such a fashion, if you are not ill, and do not intend to self terminate?

Also... I would bloody well hope you would let your ATS family know as well!

a reply to: TDawgRex

I was thinking of that last night, that if I die, I just want my husband to bury me somewhere and then he can tell my son and family afterward. Figure they can visit the place he buries me if they want or can, but no point in anything more.

Is it selfish what you are thinking... no, I don't see anything wrong with it at all. You are giving them the opportunity to say goodbye one last time, while you are still alive - that is when it matters. Not after you are gone.

Our death and funeral is ours, we should have some say in it I figure...

a reply to: nugget1

Now, I'm not big on the party atmosphere instead of a funeral, I'm just not sure I want everyone to be happy that I'm dead.. I would hope at least someone would miss me.. lol ... woohooo the B is dead! YEA! PARTY TIME...

lol... yeah... please miss me...at least a little But I'm not big on a bunch of crying and BS either... so I'm thinking the middle ground is the way to go on that one.

Now my husband wants the party, but I do figure someone else will have to execute that one.... I have no intention of living even 5 more minutes than him.

a reply to: TDawgRex

Nope it's not selfish, but with that being said I know what it's like to be the person who hears that they're dying.
Makes me angry, and sad but as much as I hate goodbyes there's a time to say goodbye to the people we love.

a reply to: TDawgRex
I do think its selfish to take your own life because the pain you leave for your loved ones is tremendous, but if your not thinking of committing suicide and you are not happy than its ok to leave where you are and follow any lifestyle that you see fit. Remember life is filled with pain and suffering and also love and joy, even tho it might seem at some points that happiness will never come you are wrong because life is a roller coaster of ups and downs and trust me when you go through enough ups and downs you come out stronger and wiser and more filled with love. So if you are thinking of suicide please dont you have something great to offer the world or a select few that you were meant to guide through your past struggles, but if you need to get away and truly be yourself somewhere than go for it!

a reply to: TDawgRex

I SINCERELY hope this is hypothetical my friend!!!!!

That being said..

There are times in anyone's life where being selfish is not only okay, it should be expected. I believe the scenario you have presented is just such an instance.

I would expect my family to understand and support me if that were the case in my life..

originally posted by: semperfortis
a reply to: TDawgRex

I SINCERELY hope this is hypothetical my friend!!!!!

That being said..

There are times in anyone's life where being selfish is not only okay, it should be expected. I believe the scenario you have presented is just such an instance.

I would expect my family to understand and support me if that were the case in my life..

I cant agree more, sometimes you have to be selfish but what you have told us is just a phase. Please stay strong threw it and remember better days will come.

I appreciate every ones replies. I must reiterate that I am not contemplating suicide, nor have I been diagnosed with anything. *Fingers crossed!*

I'm just planning on the eventuality of it all. The six "P's" that I mentioned on the first page. And because, as has been mentioned sometimes death comes a knockin' unexpectedly. My folks are walking their last miles and every conversation turns to this issue, so I guess that is what got me thinking.

I've always had a will and POA since I was young, but never gave that much thought to it all, especially the after effects.

It may be selfish, but I don't want people to remember me as someone laid out in a casket or seeing a urn sitting on a shelf. I would prefer that they remember the fun-loving, full of life me.

With that said, that is why I always try to remember to tell those I love "I love ya and see ya later" upon leaving the house or hanging up the phone. It may be the last time I have the chance to say it.

Reading this thread fills me with a sadness that I cannot quite explain.

If I developed an incurable disease, I would not want my family to burden themselves with the costs associated with prolonging my life. I would just let them know that I love them and it's my time to go.

It's not selfish to encourage your family to face reality, instead of living in denial.

I've got a mum who is rather stern in her request for no funeral. She's giving her body to science, which is admirable and fits her to a tea because she is always helping others when she's not gambling. But the 'no funeral' thing really bothers me. I've worried about it for years now, unsure what I would do. But recently I caught a great idea from some show on TV.
She won't be having a funeral, instead I will organize everyone to come to church (or similar venue) and then get everyone to reach under they're pews and pull out bingo cards. Not sure what prize to offer yet? I was thinking perhaps a tray of meat cuts cause mum always likes a good chuckle at slightly disturbing humor.

I've notice a few posters mentioning "what about your loved ones?", well what of the person asking about said scenario? when do they finally get to think of themselves for once? did you ever stop to think that it was mighty selfish of the family members to think that their feelings should be put above someone else's?

But as to the posted topic. I say no, not necessarily. I say tell those who wish to tell and proceed w/ whatever it is you wish to do. I don't have any family so fate has saw fit to spare me those details, but my ex-wife has agreed that if and/or when I leave this meat bag behind that I am to have a Viking funeral. If that can't be arranged then I am to be buried and returned to the Earth. And under no circumstances is my body to pass through the threshold of any church or religious edifice nor am I to be prayed over. I lived the life I wanted to live and if I was wrong then I am damn sure strong enough to stand up and say " It is what it is ".

originally posted by: TDawgRex
Would it be wrong to tell family that you have something incurable and that you were heading out on one last adventure? That you don't want a funeral?

- we are all dying. we are all incurable.

- I would think it would be selfish NOT to tell them that you are incurable. It'll give them time to make sure they get closure with you if there is anything left unsaid or undone.

- I have already told my husband that I want NO FUNERAL. I was very strict with him. I told him I'd haunt him if he didn't do exactly what I wanted. I want to be cremated. I want no funeral. I placated him by telling him he could have a memorial Mass at some point, but not a funeral mass with a body and all that. He said 'we'll see'. I got ticked. I swear I'll haunt him if he doesn't do what I say.

I think talking about these things ahead of time is important.

EXCELLENT BOOK that I just read in the last few weeks - Preparing to Die - Practical Advice and Spiritual Wisdom from the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition. By Andrew Holecek. It's a good read for everyone. (No, I"m not Buddhist).

I think we should also remember that psychologically speaking, the funeral is NOT for the one that has passed away. Funerals are for the living; for those close to the deceased in order to get closure.

Just an additional thought from me

originally posted by: JHumm
Not exactly on subject but I went to two funerals last year and in both cases the deceased did not want to have a funeral but the families went against those wishes and had open casket funerals. I thought it was wrong to go against the last wishes of the person . Any thoughts on that?

My father died three years ago. For many years he had said he wanted no funeral and that he didn't want anything religious and nothing to do with the military (he was a Korean War Vet). When he died, my mother and brother hijacked the funeral arrangements. They gave him an open casket memorial service with a Catholic deacon officiating and a rosary in his hands .. and my brother had the local vets come in and give him a veterans gun salute in the cemetery. Totally against what he wanted. I spoke up and said he didn't want it but they said the funeral was for the living left behind. I COMPLETELY DISAGREE. I thought it was awful.

originally posted by: semperfortis
I think we should also remember that psychologically speaking, the funeral is NOT for the one that has passed away. Funerals are for the living; for those close to the deceased in order to get closure.

Sorry, but I disagree. It's my body and my life, not theirs.
My final wishes should be honored.

a reply to: FlyersFan

Not really anything to disagree or agree with FF

It is a simple fact..

The deceased are in no position to benefit or be harmed by a funeral or lack thereof. It is quite simply a historical and quite substantiated concept that funerals are for the living. Many people gain a lot of closure when attending the funeral of a loved one.

No one is saying your wishes should or should not be honored.

Completely different subject

Golden rule do unto others...

What would you want if you were really close to someone?

Well, when I die, I want to be cremated. I don't even need an undertaker. I don't need to be pickled either, that is not necessary with a cremation. Now people think that all this has to be done, it is a death tax that we have been conditioned to believe is necessary. I want to have my ashes buried in our pet cemetery. They can have a family burial service at that time. A BBQ would be a good thing, let unlimited coffee flow into people's cups.

My wife feels the same way. We had to have regular funerals for my uncles, aunts, and parents, because that is what they believed was right. They were brainwashed by society. Society is messed up, our bodies are just vessels, they are not our souls or spirit. souls are formed from our beliefs and knowledge, they are whom we are. They are released at death to go somewhere. Our bodies are not who we are.

I don't want an open casket, I don't even want a funeral. I don't want everyone knowing I am gone, otherwise they will file me in that special cabinet in their mind where people end up after they die. It's better they do not even know I am gone, I will not be dead in their minds. A simple end like cremation can be less than two grand. But it can go up to seven if you start believing that more expensive is better. I would rather see the extra money in a trust for my grandchildren.

The wake is supposed to be a celebration of leaving this place. No more pain, no more worries. No more being hungry or having to go to work. No more feeling sad when someone dies. It is a well deserved rest. A peaceful time. Our reward for graduating from this hell. I feel good when I am camping or sitting by a creek or lake fishing, that is not hell. Going back into society and putting on a mask to fit in is hell. But that is life. It is not right to cut your school of life short by taking your life, you need to experience it totally, the good and bad. Once your debt is paid you may become one of the wise, the link can be established.