"It's a Good Day to Die." Is it selfish to let family know they will never see you again?

Death has always been at my families front door, persistently knocking. I come from a long line of farmers and military. Those lifestyles can be pretty hazardous to ones health at times.

I'm just looking for other peoples thoughts. Would it be wrong to tell family that you have something incurable and that you were heading out on one last adventure? That you don't want a funeral?

Some tough stuff there.

But at the same time, I don't want to leave them hanging either. How would you propose that I approach it?

I don't plan on suicide, nor do I have a incurable disease, (that I know of). Just wondering. Is it selfish? And if so, how can I mitigate it?

I don't think it is any more selfish than someone choosing not to endure sickening, painful, chemo just so their family can be comfortable for another 6 months.

Of course one should probably take their feelings into consideration, but the decision shouldn't hinge completely on that alone.

If one has the choice of how they will leave this earth and when... then I see no harm in doing in that time exactly what it is that they want to do. What will bring peace to them and make their passing as easy as possible should really be what all loved ones want. You considering their feelings should also mean they will consider yours as well.

Naturally all families and their dynamics are different. In the end I say the decision should be up to the one dying and others should respect whatever is asked of them.

a reply to: TDawgRex

I think that you would know your family the best, and would know whether or not they would be able to accept and respect your decision. I think that if you knew without a doubt that they would not understand that you want to go out on your own terms, then it would be selfish to tell them anyway. But if you know that they would understand on some level why you want your last adventure, then it is not selfish to tell them, and it might even help them accept your death to know that you got to do one last thing that you wanted. I also think that you would be doing them a kindness by not forcing them to watch you die slowly (in the event of terminal illness).

My husband knows that when I die I don't want a funeral. I want to be cremated, and I want him to wait until my child is old enough and ready to disperse my ashes somewhere beautiful and special.

I watched my mom slowly die (fight) cancer for many years. Not sure I would want to put my family through the same thing. Depending on prognosis, I might have to walk away too, to spare them that. Maybe that's selfish, because it hurts me to think of them hurting.

Tough question here, I think the answers will vary greatly, its a very personal thing. S&F for making me think!

a reply to: TDawgRex

I would think it kinder, by far, to tell them than to let them wonder and worry.

It isn't my judgement call as to whether it would be selfish or not. I tend to think how one's death is handled is a personal decision. I will go a step further and say I think funerals are more for those who are left behind than they are for the deceased.

Perhaps, the best choice would be to let the family know well in advance of what the final plan is. That way, there are no surprises and each day until then would be that much more precious.

J

That is a tough one that I have pondered. I would prefer to just disappear. No funeral. Know I'm gone and throw a party. The expenses involved in a formal burial are obscene and I would not want to place that burden on my family. Coyotes and buzzards have to eat, too.

a reply to: TDawgRex

Nobody wants to face the tough stuff, and I blame our culture.
As a 'Christian' nation, most believe in a heavenly afterlife, yet their actions don't support their professed beliefs.
Shouldn't death be more about celebrating the joy of having had someone in your life for a time? And rejoicing that they finally got their wings?
I informed my kids that I don't want a funeral. They can have one heck of a party if they want, but it better be when they are in a celebratory mood- 'cause I plan to attend!

Planning such an event seems to cause so much discomfort that I just wrote down my wishes, put they paper in a fire-proof box, and gave the second key to one of my kids.
I've been thinking of writing a letter to each one of them, telling them why they were my 'favorite' child, and admonishing them not to let the others know for fear of hurt feelings.

Death tends to come swiftly and unexpectedly in my family, so we are always aware of how precious each day is, and how important it is to make the kind of memories we'd like to remember.

I believe that the family should know what you are planning. Maybe they will understand, maybe they won't, but it is your decision to make ultimately. As for a funeral, you'll be dead and won't know any different, allow your family and friends their chance to honor you and to get closure by saying their last goodbyes. Losing a loved one is so tragic and they deserve their last goodbyes surrounded by family and friends on that last day.

If I had a family member or friend dying and they never told me and just disappeared and died I would be devastated that they didn't tell me. I would always wonder why. Why did he/she feel they couldn't tell me, didn't they know how much I loved them? Didn't they care how I would feel?

Keep them in suspense Don't let them know a damn thing till after you are gone.

I'm not going to tell my kids if I am dying. Why have them moping around the house and being a pain in the ----. I'm getting cremated and all I want is for them to have is a BBQ in the summer as a wake.

Better yet, I don't care who says I am going to die...I am not going to die. My stepfather was given six months maximum to live, twenty years later he kicked the bucket. He wasn't strong in that twenty years and had to take oxygen a lot, but he enjoyed the extension.

originally posted by: skunkape23
That is a tough one that I have pondered. I would prefer to just disappear. No funeral. Know I'm gone and throw a party. The expenses involved in a formal burial are obscene and I would not want to place that burden on my family. Coyotes and buzzards have to eat, too.

That's one way of looking at it. LOL However, why don't you allow your family to decide if it is a 'burden' or not? If you can afford to, get a life insurance policy. Or, your entire family could pitch in.

Most families love their family members and need closure of some kind. A lovely service surrounded by family members and friends who are by your side in grief is important. They would regret that they didn't have any special ceremony for you. It would be so cold and informal.

I agree that funerals are more for those left behind than for those who have died. But they are your family and friends who loved you and always will. Don't they deserve to say their goodbyes the way they would want or need to?

originally posted by: rickymouse
Keep them in suspense

Don't let them know a damn thing till after you are gone.

I'm not going to tell my kids if I am dying. Why have them moping around the house and being a pain in the ----. I'm getting cremated and all I want is for them to have is a BBQ in the summer as a wake.

Better yet, I don't care who says I am going to die...I am not going to die. My stepfather was given six months maximum to live, twenty years later he kicked the bucket. He wasn't strong in that twenty years and had to take oxygen a lot, but he enjoyed the extension.

Your kids might be pissed as hell and awfully disappointed and extremely sad that you would do that to them. Don't you think?

a reply to: Night Star

I've already told one family member that I could trust. I would prefer a "Celebration of Life" type memorial. But she, nor I , have told anybody else.

I would prefer a great big party in my honor. Have fun! Enjoy Life! I did!

a reply to: TDawgRex

You sure you're not dying? Because if you are and you're not telling me...



When I was fighting for my life a year and a half ago, I told everyone just in case I didn't make it. I felt they deserved to know.

a reply to: Night Star

I've lived a hard life...and continue to keep living it.

But as they say, Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. The "6" P's. Just want to have my bases covered. I know I won't be able to please everybody. But I have to at least be able to please myself, right? (OK...that just sounded all wrong)

a reply to: TDawgRex

LOL

If we are still friends and you find out your dying...just for the record, I'd like to know. K?

originally posted by: Night Star
a reply to: TDawgRex

LOL

If we are still friends and you find out your dying...just for the record, I'd like to know. K?

"I'm going on an adventure" are the code words I've given my family. But I let them know they can always contact me by phone. And when I don't answer after a couple of weeks,,,they know that I have really gone off on my adventure.

But the good news is that I haven't had to use the "Code" words.

Nothing wrong in telling them .. it gives them time to accept and prepare for the inevetible ..
along with a chance to say their goodbyes ..

a reply to: TDawgRex

S&F

You 'do' what you know to be right!! I'm gonna miss you when you go, brother.

originally posted by: rickymouse
Keep them in suspense

Don't let them know a damn thing till after you are gone.

I'm not going to tell my kids if I am dying. Why have them moping around the house and being a pain in the ----. I'm getting cremated and all I want is for them to have is a BBQ in the summer as a wake.

Better yet, I don't care who says I am going to die...I am not going to die. My stepfather was given six months maximum to live, twenty years later he kicked the bucket. He wasn't strong in that twenty years and had to take oxygen a lot, but he enjoyed the extension.

By you hear people saying all the time...if only I could have said goodbye.

I'm not sure if this will help at all...but as one who is facing the inevitable 'exit stage-left.' I choose to face it with enthusiasm. It's like when the roller-coaster is going up the initial incline. If it's just like going to sleep, then so be it. There is the possibility that this is just where the ride gets fun. Let everyone know you love them and be at peace. Face the Great Mystery with joy in your heart.

a reply to: TDawgRex

The most important thing, is that your loved ones know you are dying,
& get to say their good-byes & have time to come to terms with it!
If you want to go on an adventure after that, go for it!

Eighteen years ago, my Mom died unexpectedly at 66.
Two & a half days later, dad died unexpectedly at 69!
It wasn't the broken heart syndrome thing...
everyone said Mom wouldn't leave without Dad.

He was the only person that I ever saw laid out,
that had a smile on their face!!!
It really was like the last thing he saw was Mom!
Their going together like that, out of the blue, freaked everybody out!!!

It was like losing both your parents in a car accident or something!
They never talked to any of us kids about what to do.
They had talked together & written things down,
but they figured one of them would be around to implement everything!
Big mistake!!! The more planning that you do & share,
the less traumatic it will be for those left behind!!!

There's nothing worse than trying to think when you're grieving,
unless it's trying to think when you're grieving & in shock!!!

If you love them, give them peace of mind!!!
Try to do what gives you peace, but at the same time,
don't take theirs away either!
It will be hard enough knowing they won't see you again,
but worrying about whatever happened to you,
would be so heart breaking & selfish IMHO!
Love is not supposed to hurt!!!
WOQ