6 months to live...and not a clue what to say

To K2, Kat, Nightstar, Rod, Cody and anyone I've missed, I have to say that the discussions you've had in this thread are one of the reasons I love this place and gladly volunteer time here to help out a little. You've talked of family and at one level, that's what we are. The world has changed and I feel closer to some people here than to some of my own "real" kin.

This thread started with K2 telling us of a very heartfelt and sincere problem that relates to her dear friend LIsa, and your support for her and her friend shows how special the human spirit can be. And Spartacus, even though some of your ealier comments did not go down well, it was just different ways of looking at the situation based on what we understand at the time. I felt no maliciousness in what you wrote. You contributed from your perspective, and what more can we ask than that?

But then, you listened to the responses and admitted something that so often people don't want to admit, namely that we don't really understand how we'd react in a situation that's never personally happened to us, and what others might say is right or wrong takes on a new meaning when we are the ones who have to face the ordeal. At least here, because we have Kat and NightStar who can share their own personal experiences, we all gained a better insight into what it all means. We still can't fully comprehend it, but they helped us all.

I thought your response to StealthyKat's reply was real and honest, because it shows a man whose mind is open and who is ready and willing to have a second look. And hey, we all need to do that sometimes, if we dare to.

All of you have shown the value of patience, the benefits of listening and not judging. Yes, we bring our knowledge to the table, but hopefully, though we add something to that table, we take something away that someone else has offered to us.

K2, believe me, while all these words we see here are just pixels on a screen, some pixels mean more than just pinpoints of light. They convey sparks of life from within people's very essence of being and everyone here, in their own varied ways, has been doing that. They've been giving, and so have you.

If all of this had helped to ease the burden on your heart just a little, and perhaps for Lisa too, then it's all been worth it.
You took that bold first step when you wrote the post then hit the key to release it into the world. And it was the right thing to do.
~Mike

reply to post by JustMike


I could not have said it better Mike! This thread was hard for me to write and I wrote it in pure desperation. I was angry, sad, and beyond confused. Through Kat, Night Star, Spartacus, Cody, and Rod I have learned a lot about the human spirit. I have found life long friends here on this thread and I am deeply thankful for everyone that has taken the time to read it and respond and offer whatever hope and insight they may have. I dont always agree but I have learned that I dont have to agree. Every single post was sent from the heart and that means more than anything to me.

Before this, ATS was a place I came to read what was really going on in the world and get a different perspective. Since this, ATS is a place I feel at home with great people that I can honestly say I love.

This thread has made me look at other threads differently. I see replies differently. Especially the ones I do not agree with. I know the person on the other end sent it from the heart.

ATS is full of great people.

I dread the day this thread ends for I know what that will mean. I know it is inevitable but as long as the thread lives so does Lisa.

Corny I know.

Thank you for stopping by and your reply made me tear up. Not in a sad way. You just expressed so beautifully what I feel.

Thank you!

K2

AlchemistSwami
I feel sorrow for your friend and her family, and would like to say I'm sorry that you have to deal with this as well. Sometimes a sudden death can be easier to deal with than one that is expected in advance. I would rather know in advance if a loved one was going to have a limited time left here on earth. That could be a blessing to know that the next 5 visits you have will be your last. I know that is no comfort, but this will give you time to make sure those are the best they can be.

Maybe you could ask her if there is anything she always wanted to do, that you could help make happen. Or perhaps there is something she would like you to do with your life, in honor of hers. It could be something as learning an instrument or speaking a new language, etc. but offering to honor her life in any way you are able may comfort her in knowing she'll always be close to you in your heart. Take care and again from one stranger to another, I am sorry for your difficult and emotional struggle with the sad news of your friends situation.

Thank you for your kind words. I agree it is a blessing to know the end is near in some ways...but anticipating that end is dreadful. You start grieving before the person is gone. It is so wrong.

I have asked Lisa what she wants. All she wants to do is see her daughter graduate in February from physical therapy school. THEN her daughter got engaged a couple weeks ago and is planning an April wedding. I guess she has new goal now.

A couple conversations with her ago, she told me she thinks Nov 13 will be her last day on this earth. It was odd. She just kept saying "I wont be here".

I have no idea why she said it, if it was the meds, but I am dreading that date with everything in me.

FEBRUARY we have to get to FEBRUARY and all I can do to help with that is pray and pray a lot. Which I have been doing non stop. I think even GOD is probably tired of hearing from me.

I speak with her often, more now than ever, and I am going to visit her in a couple weeks for her 46th birthday. We are going to order pizza, drink some beer, and watch some chick flicks. When I asked what movie she wanted to see she told me BEACHES. THen laughed. I told her she was insane.

~K2

reply to post by JustMike


When I saw that familiar avatar I knew the post would be well worth the read. It is so very nice to see you in here. Your beautiful reply is much appreciated.

reply to post by k21968

You start grieving before the person is gone. It is so wrong.

K2, what am I going to do with you? It is NOT wrong Honey. It is normal to feel as you do. You have done nothing wrong and as far as I can see, you have done everything right and still are.

Night Star
reply to post by k21968

 

You start grieving before the person is gone. It is so wrong.

K2, what am I going to do with you? It is NOT wrong Honey. It is normal to feel as you do. You have done nothing wrong and as far as I can see, you have done everything right and still are.

It just feels wrong. To be sad when she is still HERE! I should think of every day as a gift but instead every day is one day closer to her no longer being here. I have it all backwards. I know the right way to think I just can't get my head to think that way!

I am stubborn. Hard headed. I may never get it Night Star. Just keep reminding me.

reply to post by k21968


You know, my Mom just Turned 90 this past September. I am grateful for every day that we are able to share together, but you know what? I grieve for the loss of her already. I lost my Dad in 2007, and to lose my Mom too will be so devestating. For many years she has been in and out of the hospital. She is 90 and I know our time is limited. I don't want our time to be limited. I don't want to lose her. I have been through enough traumatic events in my life. I am often scared and vulnerable.

Do you remember being a kid, the true joy and simplicity of life? It seems the older we get, the more changes and challenges we have to face. It's like we have such little control on what happens and how. I want happiness and peace and it so hard to find.

Somehow we have to take just one day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time, just to see our way through the darkness. Together, with our friends here we will make it. Maybe with a lot of tears and hugs, maybe with a smile and laughter here and there, but we will make it.

reply to post by JustMike


Hi Mike! It's so goo to see you back. I totally agree with what you said about Spartacus....I got a little riled up but after he came back and explained himself and humbled himself, I gained respect for him. It was just miscommunication. I'm kind of a Mama lion that way when it comes to thinking someone is disrespecting my friends....I thought he was attacking, so I went into attack mode LOL! I know now I was wrong .....and I apologized. I just want to say I love you all too, and just because we have never met in person makes no difference. As I said in a previous post, I believe the specific people who responded to this thread were meant to do so. Nightstar and I needed support as much as K2 did, and as it turned out, we all help each other, and have come to form a sisterly bond ....and you guys (You , Cody, Rod, and yes Spartacus) have helped as well. This is an awesome thread, and I am so grateful to have gotten to know all of you......
Love Always,
Kat

k21968
reply to post by JustMike

 

I could not have said it better Mike! This thread was hard for me to write and I wrote it in pure desperation. I was angry, sad, and beyond confused. Through Kat, Night Star, Spartacus, Cody, and Rod I have learned a lot about the human spirit. I have found life long friends here on this thread and I am deeply thankful for everyone that has taken the time to read it and respond and offer whatever hope and insight they may have. I dont always agree but I have learned that I dont have to agree. Every single post was sent from the heart and that means more than anything to me.

Before this, ATS was a place I came to read what was really going on in the world and get a different perspective. Since this, ATS is a place I feel at home with great people that I can honestly say I love.

This thread has made me look at other threads differently. I see replies differently. Especially the ones I do not agree with. I know the person on the other end sent it from the heart.

ATS is full of great people.

I dread the day this thread ends for I know what that will mean. I know it is inevitable but as long as the thread lives so does Lisa.

Corny I know.

Thank you for stopping by and your reply made me tear up. Not in a sad way. You just expressed so beautifully what I feel.

Thank you!

K2

Baby, even when the day comes and Lisa has gone on, this thread does not have to end....in fact it may become more important than ever. No one is going anywhere...we will all still be here for you. That's what friends are for. I know I'm not going anywhere.... ((((((hugssss))))))) I feel comfortable saying no one else here will either.

Good day everybody

Monday morning here, so not a lot of philosophy flowing from brain at the moment.

Mike, firstly thank you for your kind words, and for putting so succinctly what we all feel.

Alchemist welcome to the thread.

K2 stop beating yourself up hun, we all love you and understand your feelings. It is perfectly natural to mourn death even before it happens, it's a process that we all go through, but know that we are still here and will continue to be, not just for you, but for each other.

It always saddens me when I read of a death on ATS, and I usually 'Take off my jacket' for 24 hours and revert to my old avatar that is on back of my jacket in my current avatar. It's not much but it is a form of showing respect.Let's hope it's a long time before this becomes my avatar again.



On the flip side it always gladdens my heart when an ATS baby is born or a member adopts a kitten and posts a thread about it, I guess I'm just a softy at heart.

I have a feeling this thread will, as Kat said, become even more important in the future as friends have been made and will be there for each other for many years to come.

Rod may not be around much this week as he is away with work, so please don't think he isn't with us as well, just real life getting in the way.

Like I said it's Monday morning here
WHERE'S my sodding coffee

I'll catch you all later guys and girls, stay strong and know I am thinking of you.

Cody

I'm not going anywhere either. Hell, I live here. LOL

OOOOFFFFF...

Many marvellous things have been said on this thread and the only thing i can really say to everyone here is the following :





I'm afraid of the dark
Especially when I'm in the park
When there's no one else around
Oh I get the shivers
I don't wanna see a ghost
It's the sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
Watch the evening news
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
I'm a superstitious girl
I'm the worst in the world
Never walk under ladders
I keep a rabbits' tail
I'll take you up on a dare
Anytime, anywhere
Name the place, I'll be there
Bungee jumping, I don't care
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Life, oh life
Oh life, oh life
Life
So after all's said and done
I know I'm not the only one
Life indeed can be fun
If you really want to
Sometimes living out your dreams
Ain't as easy as it seems
You wanna fly around the world
In a beautiful balloon
Life, oh life


Warmest hugs and respects

Rodinus

reply to post by Night Star


The Irish Effing Bejeezuss coming out in me now....

Hilarious mi dear!

Hugs

Rod

Sorry to hear! My best of wishes to you, her family, and friends.

I would spend as much time with her within 6 months. Nothing is more important then company with the people who love you.

Thank you everyone for the comments. I'd also like to especially thank AlchemistSwami and CaptainHook, who've recently joined the thread and added their support.

K2, it's like Star said and Kat did as well -- there's nothing wrong with grieving before the time has fully come. My own Mum will be 85 next month and my Dad passed away 3 years ago, so -- yeah. I know she won't live forever, I just hope it'll be a good while yet. But meanwhile, any time I get an email from family on the other side of the world where they all live, or a long-distance phone call, I have that moment of dread, where you feel those goosepimples and the shudder that goes through you. It's not quite the same as what K2 is dealing with, but there are some parallels.

StealthyKat, please check your messages, okay? I had a question for you and a U2U was more appropriate than in this thread.

And just a reminder for all of you -- you can use the private message system if you wish to communicate with other members and what you wish to discuss may either be just between you and them, or simply doesn't really fit within a given thread. The same T&Cs apply, of course, and just like in any thread, no-one is obliged to respond if they'd prefer not to. But the U2U system is there for you, so feel free to make use of it. (Just click on the "down arrow" tag at the top of the toolbar and then go to "messages". You can right-click on it in most browsers to open a new tag or window if you prefer.)

As for this thread, it can go on as long as the participating members wish it to continue. Much of what we discuss not only falls within the current topic, but has follow-on, related concepts that can be carried further and still be germane to the original subject. We're in general chit-chat here, which gives us a little more latitude in our discussions than what goes on within some of the most subject-specific forums.

K2, about that Nov 13 date that Lisa mentioned. It's impossible for us to see things as she does, especially now, but it doesn't have to be literal in a purely physical sense. It could relate to some kind of new aspect of her present state and may even be the time when the physical side of this world takes on less meaning and the spiritual aspects of her own being, however she perceives them, begin to be the main focus of her life. In the meantime, all you and any of us can do is offer support and stay positive.

Blessings,

~Mike

reply to post by CaptainHook


Hi CaptainHook

Firstly welcome to ATS, and secondly welcome to the thread.

As I'm sure you realised all input is welcome here, and we are all very close, you are welcome to join us and contribute as you see fit.

We have our comedy moments as well, and that's not in any way shape or form derogatory. Quite the opposite, it keeps us all light hearted at this time of stress in some of our members lives.

So Having said that.

Ever have one of those days full of surprises and you get home feeling like this ?


Cody

reply to post by k21968


My daughter is dying (maybe) of cancer, so I know some of what you are going through. It is difficult to say the least.

What you do is this: Joke with her and laugh with her, if all you can be is a voice on the phone then be that voice that raises spirits and tells your friend how much she touched your life and how much of a role model she has been to you throughout your life. Tell her you are proud of her...

And laugh some more.... and remember that later, when she is no longer with you, what a wonderful time you helped make her last days...

My Prayers are with You and your Freind

reply to post by OpinionatedB


Opinionated

My heart goes out to you, please know that you are more than welcome here.

Your advice is sage, and most welcome, thank you.

And please give our best wishes and love to your daughter, she may not know us but that doesn't mean can't be here and send out our best healing vibes and prayers for her.

Cody

reply to post by OpinionatedB


I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. You can share your story with us if you'd like. K2 has welcomed others to share in her thread. Please know that your daughter will be added to my prayer list and you will both be in my thoughts.