Our Family Is Just Waiting For Us To Die! Please Comment.

reply to post by shrevegal


Hi Shrevegal! I'm a nurse too. Used to work for the VA. First to your husband THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!!!!! You are a hero. My heart aches for you, and your husband. If a little doting from kind hearted grandparents makes you bad, I plan on being pure evil as a grandparent someday!

You did not bring this on yourselves. It is a generational failure. Your progeny should care for you and respect your wishes out of gratitude. Every parent makes mistakes, so does every child. I wish I could adopt you. My grandparents were doting, affectionate, and let me and my brother get away with murder(almost). We didn't turn out bad, or spoiled. Caring for them in their advanced years lead me to my life's profession as a nurse.

My only advice is to protect your time together. Don't waste any of it on trying to fix the unfixable. Pick up, consolidate and move if you can, or need to. Go have fun! Enjoy each other. Revert to childhood and play again. Be happy, and don't hold guilt or anger. Just remove yourselves if you can, and make new friends. I am saddened deeply for you that your family has their priorities so wrong, but you have earned so much better.

Much love, and respect to my elders.

reply to post by shrevegal


I personally can attest to your situation and I sympathise with you as I feel that my wife and I are in the same boat as you, only our roles are reversed.
I am the eldest of twins, my brother has been a user of both drugs and alcohol to the point of losing not only his girlfriends but jobs as well, and since then he has moved into his parents house ( with his current girlfriend), our parents live out of town and have the money to 'loan' him this property with minimal rent.
My Nan who died a couple of years ago always spoiled my family, saying " Do you need anything, money? " etc, my brother even went over there KNOWING he didn't have gas to get home just to force her to borrow money from her, he stole from her home when she was in hospital as well.
My mother 'took' payments from her for 'ironing' £100 a week to be precise, £100 for ironing? really mother?.
So my wife and I have been as independent as we can, to the point of being totally skint and with my Nan asking " did we need money?" we'd always refuse saying that she didn't need to buy our love.
My family for lack of a better word are mercenaries, I think that maybe you need to start saying no to your family as it sounds like they are getting used to a cushy life and being paid for it by you.
Generosity is all well and good and I think that maybe you should talk to your children and explain that you are not going anywhere but you feel ashamed that they talk about you like that, smothering on your deathbed? that's not on.
Sure I joke about the mother in law but she and my wife KNOW I'm only joking, there's a fine line being funny and meaning it, I think you need to find out which is which.

Your family sound horrible, sorry OP. They seem very willing to let you and your husband go, so I say beat them to it and let go of them first. If you leave money to them it will only cause them and those around them more misery. There are plenty of good places you can leave your money with, I'd just pick one and be done with it. You might even get a few extra years on your clock with the weight and stress of the situation gone. Good luck.

Sounds like your retired military? Maybe you will your earthly belongings to Wounded Warrior foundations or something like that. I can tell you from experience, when my Mom and Dad passed on, their material things like furniture and money did cause problems. We as a family, have gotten over it so it shows we are more in love with each other than the material stuff but it DID cause issues for a while (couple of years). Will it away and let them know what you did it. Maybe they will leave you alone. You don't expect them to come over and help out so you will not be messing that up. Just let them know there is nothing to look forward too.

Oh yeah and another thing. Leave them a copy of this thread URL in your will too, maybe that will give them the wake-up call they all need.

reply to post by shrevegal


Hey... you can only make your own path. And once you leave this world, what you left behind only matters as much as you decide it does.

So if it's advice you're after... the only thing I have to say is do the best you can with the time you're given, and waste no time or energy on the thoughts around what will happen when you leave this world (or what you're going to do when you get to wherever we all go once we die). Because as a wise man once said: what will be, will be... like it or not.

You only have the present moment. If that's not enough for you, then nothing ever will be. You must find a way to make it mean enough to you that all other thoughts matter not. How you do that is entirely up to you. There's an infinite number of paths that lead to such spiritual peace and tranquility, and there are no consequences for failing to do so - and no reward for achieving such a mindset; besides of course the peace of soul it will give you. Which is not a reward or a gift, but rather a divine experience that all of us are entitled to should we seek it honestly.

This is all coming from someone who himself is slowly dying of causes outside his control. I'm only 23 and I've had to learn a lot of hard lessons in a very short period of time. But I'm at peace with my existence (or eventual lack thereof), and as such, so can you be. I'm no more special (or less special) than you. So in the end, it's all up to you my friend. I wish you and your family the best. You have clearly evolved to become much stronger and much more loving than your other family members. You should feel empathy for them for that; not animosity. Be proud of yourself and hopeful for your loved ones. Nothing else can (or should ever) be expected of you.

Death is something we are all fated to pass through. But how you leave this world is not up to you, and how those around you feel about your departure is out of your hands. How you feel about your time spent here and the things you've accomplished (and avoided) is all that matters in your soul's journey. Leave everything else to the Universe to interpret and decide.

You can only do the best you can with the time you're given. And I promise you: nothing more than that is expected of you by God or anybody else. So peace be with you my friend. Keep your head up, and keep smiling even until the day inevitably does come when you do have to relinquish your earthly presence. And if your "loved" ones decide to burn your lifeless body, take the posessions you no longer need and forget your name which no longer carries earthly influence; it matters not! All that matters is that you keep on loving, and that you made your mark on the world while you had the opportunity. That's all there is, and all there ever will be, in this life and the many to follow.

There will never be enough love and forgiveness in this world (or any other worlds that might exist). It is a noble existence indeed to consciously express such selfless emotions against such formidable resistance.

Peace be with you my fellow struggler And remember this personal & humble little creed:

There is no wisdom without knowledge.
There is no knowledge without experience.
There is no experience without significance.

reply to post by shrevegal

just wondering...would it be wrong to leave our small money insurance amount to charity or some such?

I only want to reply to this one question in the op with my personal opinion. This was a subject that came up with my parents a few years back in conversation and my response to them was this....

I did not work for anything that they own and I am not entitled just because I am their son. I want them to sell everything, cash out and see the world. Give it to charity, church, anything that makes them happy because its not mine.

My older brother supports that 100%, my sister....well, we dont get along lol she wants her "entitled" cut. My point is do what makes you happy, its yours not theirs and no one is entitled to it but the ones who worked for it.

If they treat you badly in life, then don't leave them anything under your will except maybe $1.00 each to show that you considered them unworthy when you amended your wills.

I would not reward people such as your relatives, kids, and grandkids with anything more than a $1.00 reward for their shameful treatment of you.

Get a restraining order to keep these parasitic relatives away from you and off your property. Relatives who are demanding to see your wills and who threaten to smother you to hasten your deaths so they can swoop in like vultures and take what you have don't deserve any consideration at all, other than a pointed message that their behavior toward you while living has earned them the $1.00 reward they are receiving from your estate.

That lead them to reflect on their behavior toward you.

Surely there are some deserving non-relatives in your lives? Leave your property to them or to a local school, a church, or a charity, or divide it among those, if you have no-one who treats you with loving kindness and respect.

reply to post by shrevegal


Since you are both Compas Mentas (in control of your faculty's) I would rescind as soon as possible the decision to make you grandson your executor and instead appoint a good attorney or lawyer (solicitor in England) and while you may not trust such it takes the power out of your children's hand's, I know you love them very much but it seems the money or at least the idea of it is far more important to them than you are so you are doing them no favour's, a will may be enacted to leave them a legacy that is based on condition's that you must decide, such as your daughter getting nothing until she is medically certified by two independent doctors to be free of drug's.

It all depends on how much you are leaving them but the method of your burial can also be a stipulation, if you are a member of a good church you may also find upstanding member of the community whom may help but make your will no secret to them as secrets can be used by fraudsters.

I would seek good legal advice and god bless you and may you live to see a better outcome, I wish you the best.

P.S. I don't talk to most of my siblings as they have taken a payoff and helped to defraud there own mother.

reply to post by shrevegal

Now, they are demanding copies of our wills, want keys to our house....telling us if we are ever in a coma, they will smother us to help end our misery. We have always wanted to be buried in one piece but they are claiming to want to cremate us both

That is just.....horrible!

I'd make a friend the executor, and draw up new wills leaving them jack squat. I'd also invest in pre-paid burials/funerals, so you don't have to depend on others when you're gone, and get it done your way.

Originally posted by shrevegal
reply to post by SarnholeOntarable

 

You are so right. I spend many a sleepless night wondering what we may have done wrong that caused such a sad family situation. I beat myself up about it a lot. Unlike myself, my one and only child/daughter never had to live in fear of beatings/torture/abuse/physical/mental/sexual...like I did. Perhaps I over compensated? I always made sure she did chores/not overly spoiled. Disciplined yet loved. I remember I used to make ornaments with her every Xmas to deliver to nursing homes to teach her to love and care for others...it didn't stick. Once she was 14, she became...? My fault? I don't know.

Her dad was a soldier so I was both mother/father to her. Did my best. Hugged her and told her i loved her...never locked her in closets til unconscious like i was...never put cigarettes out in the palm of her hand like i had done to me...kissed her hand instead. Loved her and cherished her...same with the grandkids....it is in my nature to be loving and kind...most of my posts here reflect that. Is it my fault? I pray not. That means my entire life has been for naught. I would never hurt any one or any child just because I was hurt badly. Yet, it must be my fault somehow....when I read your comment, it made me think relevant to that. There must have been something wrong in me or "they" wouldn't be as they are.

I have several good friends who are the nicest people you can imagine, but their kids are really bad apples -- drug addicts, criminals, slackers, just complete losers. Who knows how that happens? Though I haven't seen their parenting first hand, I can't believe that these upstanding, honest, lovely people could have been horrible parents. So please don't beat yourself up... just make sure your kids/grandson never get Power of Attorney over you and your affairs.

reply to post by shrevegal


Shrevgal,

My grandfather died fairly young. He was in his mid-50s and died of complications from a heart attack. When he died, my grandmother bought two plots, two coffins, two burials, made two sets of arrangements at her church and bought flowers for each child for two funerals. She did this back in 1977, so by today's comparisons, it was cheap. I think she realized how much stress she was going through, and she didn't want to put that on her kids.

My grandmother lived to be 81. She outlived her husband by almost 30 years. The funeral home, the florists and the church all kept her wishes.

Plan your funeral now and pay up front. Place a hidden codicil in your will that only you and your attorney know about that states that if your funerary wishes are not met, the entire estate goes to X.

My suggestion is FogQuest. I think they do great work and could use the funding. Just find a charity that will use the money for something good.

Well, hmmm, don't know you, your daughter or the grand kids, so can't really comment without hearing ALL sides,

But reading throough, I will say this. My elderly friend, bless her heart, had a lot of good qualities. She passed away this year, and well, similar situation with the kids and grand kids and Great grand kids. Some of the kids, just spoiled brats, others, a bit nutty from probably living with the spoiled brats. The whole family fights, quite a lot...

For the longest of time I thought, it was Just that the daughters were spoiled and ungrateful...same things too, drugs, alcohols, materialism, etc. but you Know,

I got to know my friend quite well, and while I could say the kids chose a lot of their not so great behaviors...my friend, well, SHE was a Master Manipulator. Oh sure, she was the great MARTYR MOTHER and did ALL these things and gave and gave and gave...to an outsider, why she was a saint and those kids, awful....

But oh no...see That's just how it looked because see the KIDS didnt Hide their awfulness, but my friend, well she came from that generation that image is everything and well wome. Give while doing a couple of things,

One, was the constant "I gave you OWE me your blood" kind of thing, TWO, was the I give therefore I HAVE CONTROL and THAT was the biggest thing I did notice,

She gave alright, but Behind that giving there was always this you owe me Validate me and by golly if you Don't defer to me as GOD well, I'll go off in a huff, have a pity party, sulk and MAKE you So GUILTY why you'll Have to do a, b, a d c. And she was Really good at masking this, especially to outsiders,

But you Know, she Didn't fool the kids. When she died, they yes, cleaned out her estate, contrary to what she wanted, for the most part...that bad enough, but what my family noticed, was the Bitterness and Rage all the kids had against Her, this perfect martyr mother, etc. What in the world could have gone wrong to make FIVE kids and that's not all the grand kids to fight, bicker and hate or Resent her like they did??? After all she was this extremely Giving and sacrificial mother,

Who ENABLED, not so much about helping her kids as much as she needed Constant Praise and adoration, and that Enabling and giving was really just MANIPULATIVE CONTROL,

Some call it emotional incest.

My friend didn't have the best relationship with Her mother, and I think, like many parents do, they yes adore and love their kids, but it's often MORE about adoring and loving themSELVES THROUGH THEIR KIDS,

And you Know something, kids KNOW it and they RESENT it, because it's not about really loving them, what THEY need, but about giving the adult self what's lacking in childhood. It ROBS the children, and parents who spoil, enable, coddle and THAT includes doing the same to Grandkids, as a Payback to the kids for NOT bowing to the Martyr Parent,

Which again, it's about Control,

Causes even more havoc.

There is no such thing as a great parent rotten kidS, as in plural, yes a kid can go the bad path. But when there is more than ONE kid or Grandkids showing Similar patterns of behavior, with the MARTYR parent,

There is way more going on, than just a bad kid or two, way way more.

Ain't nobody that Good anyhow, ain't no way. There are days my kids can't Stand me, and you Know, THAT'S normal,

But Enabling behaviors, isn't about Loving them, it's about Loving SELF and wanting that constant adulation and THAT is a problem, very much so...it's NOT the husbands fault, the ole wife of sons fault, they may play a part,

But the FAULT is in the main family...

My friend, bless her heart, was a good mother in many ways, Because she is HUMAN however, she was also a Horrible mother, in many ways, it's just SHE didn't want to see it...Much easier to blame this or that,

And it was a lot about HER being the Mega Matriarch, Control Freak and you know, her daughters are JUST LIKE

HER.

Again don't know you, situ, etc., but I do know, the whole I did everything, the whole Martyr thing,

Is in of itself, not about the Kids so much as its about some unmet need...possibly in your Own childhood, where Emotionally, there may have been something Lacking for Your daughter, and she sought it elsewhere...MAYBE,

I don't know, but I'd be hard pressed to just take your word for it, either way,

The burial, those things can be done Before you pass and they cannot over ride them, those are kind of none issues,

What I see, is the thing about CONTROL, and a Lot of anger/resentment from the others from reading here, kind of like my friend, Maybe not, I can't say,

But if it IS about control and so forth, you all Owe it to yourselves to get Those issues resolved beforehand,

Not like my friend, whose kids, regardless of estate, we're so filled with rage, I don't think she was even aware because one thing about her, is SHE REFUSED TO LISTEN TO THEM, she was So busy JUSTIFYING all her Sacrifices she made, that she Just never listened.

reply to post by ThreeBears

Hi ThreeBears, felt compelled to answer your reply first. The manipulating friend you had...that was MY mom to a tee. She was good at the martyrss manipulating game. I never let myself become like her...I remember how bad it hurt me. As for me, how anyone could feel that applies to my situation??? How? Hubby and I make a point of not phoning and bothering family. We do not ask for help and we don't look for praise and such. How are we gonna do that when we never see the relatives but twice a year. We don't annoy or bother them at all. We have been helpful to them long ago but soon started to see the error in our ways and stopped. What few visits we get from relatives are stressful and annoying to us...not them. We are not enablers. I was an excellent nurse and even worked with folks that had problems and I certainly know better.

I worked hard and was a good nurse and hubby worked to serve his country and we raised one daughter lovingly but sensibly. If we thought counseling was needed, she got it thru the Army. Mostly, she did well and thrived and was happy until she became an adult and married drunken, dope headed idiots. Our parenting had nothing to do with her adult choices. Husband and I were not drunks or dopers either. You may believe what you wish. We weren't perfect but we had nothing to do with relatives adult choices and i refuse to be blamed for such. We hardly ever hear from them but a few times a year. When would we be manipulating them when we never see them or call them or bother then? We would rather not see them and be left alone. They are good manipulators tho...don't always blame the parents. We have our own problems and we would much rather deal with them on our own. We never did expect any slave help out of them, just respect. We have always respected their privacy and choices even if we didn't always agree with them and all we wished for was the same...they don't see it that way. I don't need their praise all the time...in my heart of hearts I know I am "ok" and decent and if anyone else dosen't think so, that is their problem.

reply to post by TheAnarchist


Hi, Just a few things...I agree about having our own fun and enjoying life and not obssessing. The only reason I posted this stuff yesterday because we had received a rare visit from grand-daughter-in-law and she laid all the stuff I mentioned on us in one fell swoop and like a dummie, I got so upset and blown away, I came and posted here relevant to it all. A lot of misunderstandings ensued here and I soon realized i made a huge mistake posting.

Hubby and I do not obssess about our death/burials/scant money and such. The reason I got so upset as to all what happened and got mentioned to us came out of the blue and was such a shock it blew my mind. I have since calmed down and am rectifying things on all fronts and intend to have what joy and fun I can and hubby too and wanna end this post already as many have been unkind and misunderstood completely on several levels.

Hi all, I was surprised to come here and find some very kind and helpful replies and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

UPDATE: We called the AFB jag Attorney office and the changes and documents are already being processed as per our wishes. They have been very efficient, kind and forth coming and we only need one appointment to finish/sign the final paper work. We only have a few thousand after burial we will be leaving to the Old Soldiers home near here. Our burial wishes and even our health living wills are being done on base as well and being followed to the letter and we are very pleased. No more worries. We get the funeral we want and the Military Executor we want. Perfect!

Now, to those that have been cruel and blaming us for what all? Hubby has been a good father, provider, husband, soldier in the 60's when needed. I, a mother, wife, nurse. Neither of us were drunks or dope users. We were never enablers...just loving and kind. Daughter was raised to respect folks with....the "Yes please" and thank you and other proper respectful replies to us and others. She had a chore list each week which she was expected to follow. If she was upset about something and wanted counseling, she got it. She was not spoiled but not abused or made a slave either. If she disobeyed, she would have privileges curtailed or favorite items in her room removed. Perhaps a few lite spankings back then...not beatings. When she wished to go to Catholic School to learn about God/Bible...she went. We are not religious but respected her choice and was proud and supported it.

I taught her to care for others. We always made ornaments/gifts for the nearby nursing home on Holidays and visited VA Hospitals and more. She was taught to love, be kind, respectful and responsible. Once she became an adult and made poor marriage choices..drugs/drunks...where were we to blame for that? Daughter changed then, We helped adult grandson once when he messed up as we feel everyone deserves at least one chance. He did get "clean" after our help and support and stayed that way for 13 years now. He is still some what odd but works hard, has 2 kids and the wife that is causing us some problems. As for why they do and say some of the rididculous things they do now...I have no idea. We rarely see them so I doubt we are the cause or influence for any of their other poor choices and ideas. We do not baby ourselves and do not expect our relatives to be our slaves. They have their own lives. We just want peace in ours. We are planning some new and fun things for ourselves soon...positive changes for us.

Hubby and I had bad childhoods...perhaps some bad traits skipped a generation. We weren't/aren't perfect but we are not as bad as many folks here have felt the need to question and express. Far from it. We have done many volunteer scenarios. Hubby saved a life in the Army. I saved more than a few as a nurse. Not looking for praise or manipulating for Gods sake....just trying to explain that we are not to blame for all of lifes problems for our relatives or others. We all make our own choices once we are adults. We know all about counseling and therapies and talking things out with family and such. We have done all that. However, the family has to want that too and therein is the problem.

To sum up and end this topic on my part, I neither claim to be an angel or perfect. Husband and I have tried to be as good of persons as we could be. We have always loved our entire family and always will. We are sad that relationships are not always as smooth and easy as one would hope for. We even hold love in our hearts for our parents,,.all of whom did us severe hurt and pain. To hold bitterness in our hearts would be stupid and wrong and change us and hurt our own souls and we do not want that. We will never stop loving our daughter or our grandkids and we hope and yes, even pray everyday that they will be happy and healthy and whole and healed one day. We are trying to move on relevant to location, not out of unkindness but negative/toxic situations are not healthy for us and stress either. Perhaps distance will help resolve some things and change some things for the better relevant to family relationships....who knows.

To all those who blame us or feel we are to blame for the family dynamics...as i said, we never claimed to be perfect on all fronts but by God, we are not monsters, addicts, enablers, manipulators, control freaks, or whatever else we have been accused of. I was hoping for a small measure of human understanding and kindness and help and I did get some of that. I also got much hurt and pain from reaching out. I doubt I will ever be so foolish as to reach out on a public forum to folks that do not know me. If you knew me in person, you would have never come to such conclusions. My heart is always an open book and I am not that good of an actor to pretend at being decent. I am decent, period. End of rant....thanx.

I think almost everyone has been very supportive in this thread, but like everything in this life, it is your interpretation of how you take the advice or comments we give which matters.

A comment made to one person could be taken as a criticism and the same comment to another could be taken as encouragement. In case you thought so, I certainly did not mean to be critical and I even gave an example of how I had dealt with a similar, but not as extreme situation, in my life. Under those circumstances, I am not likely to criticise you for being in the same position.

Now, all this advice on this thread can be taken with the assumption that it was posted with kindness, understanding, and sympathy for your situation, or it can be taken in other ways. That is your choice. However, there IS good advice here and only you can decide what you will do in your life circumstances which are unique to you.

Having said all of that, it is true in all counselling situations that there is no one-side right and one-side wrong and taking responsibility for some of the situations presebnted is a first step to resolving them. If you dont accept that, then how can you move forward into a new space which is better than what you experienced before? There is a right-time for everything and change is a great motivator to move the situation towards a healing.

reply to post by qmantoo


I am in a much better place today. I have already thanked folks for their kindness. I have always been smart enough to see the good in counseling and it has always been helpful. I am taking all good comments and advice with appreciation in my heart. Folks here can either believe such or not. My heart is filled with love and joy relevant to how much good occurred today relevant to plans hubby and i have made. No more lectures needed, I love folks here, family, and i love and respect myself as well and I am done with this thread and will read no further responses as some folks still seem to feel I am taking things wrong. Some comments were uncalled for but most were wonderful and hearfelt and i get that. If anyone else does not think so that is their problem. My heart recognizes and appreciates the good folks that understood and helped.. My Blood Pressure has had enuf of a work out for this weekend. Bye all.

DONE PERIOD. PS-We gave the kids nice gifts sometimes on Holidays but not all year round so we didn;t "spoil" them and we didn't enable...we sure weren't giving them drugs/booze. That comment is directed to others here who said such. NOW i'm done.

reply to post by shrevegal


I'm sorry about your bad health.

If any of what you are saying is true, you can simply write a declaration refuting your current will "Not valid" and explain why on your will and sign it.

If this is true you are better off letting anyone be executer of your estate. I recommend signing over power of attorney to someone who doesn't know your family well and is well off enough to not have any use for your belongings. They will do the right thing and not let your family railroad them. Tell your family up front, maybe even lie and tell them that you spoke with the county sheriff and he's inventorying your house, so nobody can remove things in the event off hospitalization.

It your being serious (I'm sure you have somebody else), but if your desperate I'll be executor of your state as long as I never need to meet you and you just have a paper with wishes. (I'm only offering if you can't find somebody outside of your family, I have no real interest in it.)

I have a sort of similar family who I give money to and feel like they take, take, and worry about what happens if they get ahold of my stuff (often ill). I recently had the same issue.

If you have stuff of significant value, I'd even be wary of trusting a attorney that isn't a millionaire. My attorney friend tell me on the down low often cash goes missing from wills when attorneys are involved…

Just be careful, and since you most likely don't want me to keep your estate from your family, you could send your will and testate out to maybe 10 or so strangers or people who might just check in each month to check if your are alive… If they find you died they can send the letter of your will to the local sherif and tell them the family is conspiring or something…

let me know if there is anything we can do… my family is similar in my situation…

Originally posted by shrevegal
reply to post by SarnholeOntarable

 

You are so right. I spend many a sleepless night wondering what we may have done wrong that caused such a sad family situation. I beat myself up about it a lot. Unlike myself, my one and only child/daughter never had to live in fear of beatings/torture/abuse/physical/mental/sexual...like I did. Perhaps I over compensated? I always made sure she did chores/not overly spoiled. Disciplined yet loved. I remember I used to make ornaments with her every Xmas to deliver to nursing homes to teach her to love and care for others...it didn't stick. Once she was 14, she became...? My fault? I don't know.

Her dad was a soldier so I was both mother/father to her. Did my best. Hugged her and told her i loved her...never locked her in closets til unconscious like i was...never put cigarettes out in the palm of her hand like i had done to me...kissed her hand instead. Loved her and cherished her...same with the grandkids....it is in my nature to be loving and kind...most of my posts here reflect that. Is it my fault? I pray not. That means my entire life has been for naught. I would never hurt any one or any child just because I was hurt badly. Yet, it must be my fault somehow....when I read your comment, it made me think relevant to that. There must have been something wrong in me or "they" wouldn't be as they are.

Greetings,

As an Army Brat myself, I know that the military life can stiffle one's ability to form intimate bonds. I was hauled all over the world - had to constantly say good-bye to friends as soon as I made them, etc. Never got to know either parents families.

It wasn't their fault - it was what the times and the job demanded but it's real hard on kids. There are benefits as well that have served me well.

To you situation - I agree with others that you should not wasting time on what you may have done wrong - you did the best you could under the circumstances and need to take care of yourself and your husband (and vis versa). What about friends - ones you can trust - with your estate and end of life decisions?

You kids are probably afraid honestly - but being from a military/nursing family have not learned how to deal with fear in an open and healthy manner. I know when each of my parents died, I argued with them more than ever all. Because it was okay to be angry - but not afraid.

They may be trying to connect with you in whatever way they can. And please remember 'they can't read your mind'. If you want something from them, concrete, emotional; ask for it directly. They probably don't know what to do to help.

Consider finding a couselor or coach to help, if all parties are willing. If all else fails, if it's just to much to bear; leave them in love and do what you need to do to. They may just be a**holes and that's nobodies fault but their own.

Peace