Our Family Is Just Waiting For Us To Die! Please Comment.

reply to post by okyouwin

OMG, I will reply to you and to everyone here in one last post. This will be long but I hope it is finally read with comprehension.
Yes, my childhood was bad. The problems relevant to my grandmother having her food salted down and argued with til she had a stroke and died...I did tell one person. I was only about 11 yrs. old and mom being a religious nut, I wasn't believed. My childhood was scary but my daughter had a safe, warm, loving homelife. I was a nurse, mother, wife. I knew about such things as counseling and family therapy and such and utilized it to good advantage. I strived to provide the loving, caring home i did not have and I succeeded. Bad behaviors and choices daughter made came after marriages to complete fools with bad habits. The issue in this entire rant has been relevant to my adult grandchildren and lack of help and disrespect after all our kindness and generousity.

So MANY folks here have misunderstood the rant. The rant is NOT ABOUT MONEY! It is about our wish to be buried together and in one piece should we die together in a wreck or something. It is not relevant to money. Hubby and I are not hypochondriacs, Husband is a 100% disabled Vet that was there for our country in the 60's if needed. Sure, he feels differently today about war. Nevertheless, he has serious issues and now has TERMINAL CANCER as well. I have had MS for a long time yet we both fend for ourselves. We are not nursing home material yet and never will be. I saw the poor care he received the last time he had his second by-pass and was in a care facility. I don't baby mysellf and I work hard for myself and my family and I resent the things you have stated. You have been most cruel and unkind.

We are not RICH and there is not a squable about money....that negative bunch want even the least of what there is. Husband was not an officer so his Army insurance was very small...enuf to bury the 2 of us and perhaps about 3 or 4 thousand will be left...no gold/silver/portfolios/cash savings. We both have such serious health issues that we could not get any other policies and you say we are hypochondriacs? The insurance companies don't seem to think so.

Did you ever hear of toxic people and bad genes? Sometimes, no matter how loving and kind and decent you can be to family, they may not reciprocate...perhaps some of them are not capable. Husband and I were very capable of giving and receiving love. That you tell us we are a mess and bad people and the like, it is most unfair and unkind. We both had bad lives yet made something of our selves and instead of holding bitterness in our hearts because of it all, we chose to be loving and kind and generous. We have been decent people all our lives and always did the best we could for our family, ourselves and to anyone else we ever met that needed help or kindness and love. I feel when a mean spirited, hurtful post is put forth such as the one presented, it is the person that posts such that has a problem. There is never any reason to be so unkind.
Someone here has a very bitter and unkind outlook.

To all others, I appreciate your comments. Like I said...it has nothing to do with big wills/insurance...it is about having our burial wishes done properly. I could care less about the few bucks that will be left. I just want hubby and I together the way we want to be when interred...is that so wrong? Now, I can go have a good cry as the negative poster intended. (Actually, sounded just like one of my family members)...negative/toxic.

Like i tell my parents and parents in-laws, leave this world what you come in with nothing, Sell up and LIVE, do not leave a dam thing to anyone, you worked for it you YOU deserve it. Sell the lot and travel blow the lot and go out happy.

Edit And pre pay for your burial. the way you want it.

reply to post by shrevegal


YOU had a hand in creating these people
by GIVING them 'their first flat screen TV's" etc etc etc
even the way you word it, "their first flat screens"
honestly.. just... wow..

reply to post by signalfire

Once again, the grandchildren are the problematic ones...not the one child we raised. She has issues but not like the adult grandkids. I did not raise the grandkids. We tried to help them all we could. The grandson that got bail help turned his life around, has a good job for the state, 2 kids and wife. However, still a toxic bunch and too negative to be around. I refuse to take the blame for being the best parent and grandparent I could be. I am a good person and loving and caring. Sometimes, people/relatives can be toxic/negative people no matter what. maybe it skips a gene when there are some bad family genes...i don't know, but I am thoroughly tired of being blamed here for just wanting my family to give me and hubby a proper burial...not about the little money we have....just don't want to be cremated and buried instead. That is all I am actually asking...to be buried the way we want. Geez. Have a heart people. I am not a bad person and not a bad family member....sometimes our relatives are tho. Give me a break already.

reply to post by Night Star


I love you Night Star for what you have said to me. I needed to hear that! Most folks today have been very kind and helpful and gave great advice and I love all of them for it as well! I agree with the posters that say I should give power of attorney over to lawyer so as our burial wishes can be followed out. That was wonderful advice/idea. Some others may be right in that i may have to remove myself from toxic/negative relatives...not all but certaint ones.

Others suggest selling/moving. We are not rich/policies are only enuf to bury us 2 plus a few thousand. We live in a modest trailer home and have no savings/portfolios/gold/silver/cash. We did have nice property but hubbies and my illnesses...we couldn't keep them up so downsized. THAT is when relatives did get money from selling our place. No matter how little we possess, greed exists in some of the kin. No other decent relatives surviving.

We have tried to be good and loving to all but some folks here say the hens are coming to roost because WE were at fault. We were very good and loving to daughter. Helpful to older grandkids. We never did anything to deserve ill treatment no matter what some folks believe. I have been crying so much since reading such cold and unfeeling remarks. I shouldn't open myself up for more hurt by admitting it as some folks may enjoy it, I don't know. Anyway, I feel Blessed to know you and some of the other fine folks here at ATS that Do get it and care and understand. Bless you!

reply to post by shrevegal


we believe Hollywood as to the virtue of our friends & family but reality is not that way most of the times.

I have heard if a spouse "passes" the widow(er) only gets 50% of his estate if there is/are offspring. I think even if there is a will, it is contestable based on these legal grounds.

This might be something you want to discuss with a lawyer/JAG about.

The way I look at it is this - we cannot choose our parents and we cannot choose our kids. Our kids are loaned to us for the time that they need to grow up to become adults. After that, if they are not nice people, we have the choice to not be friends with them. Our parents (I know not relevent in this case) are people in their own right and we dont always see eye-to-eye with the kids.

What we all seem to forget is that family should not have any special 'privileges' as far as loyalty goes and friends can be better 'family' than true family sometimes. It is our emotions which bind us to our family members and we feel we have a duty to be nice to them and to try to get along. In reality, everyone is someone's family and there are plenty of reasons why we should or should not be friends with the people we grew up with.

Basically, anyone who has been in the forces knows that there is a special bond of trust which is developed when someone else is watching your back and keeping you safe from the enemy, so maybe look towards friends and army calleagues to be exectutors or if that is still not the answer, maybe change the way you think - see below.

If you both "go upstairs" at the same time, then there will be no need to bother with what goes on "down here" and if I were you, I would plan for the situation where one of you dies before the other because THAT will be when the vultures really gather around.

Forget about planning for a scenario when you both die at once and just let them get on with it. If that happens, you will not be able to do anything about it and it seems to me like this is more of a control issue - trying to manage how things pan out after you are both dead.

Many wise people in the past say that if you change your thinking by working on yourself and you attitudes, then the world around you will also change. The same wise people say that the external situation is a reflection of the issues you need to deal with at the time and so I would suggest that you spend at least some of your remaining money on various types of therapy.

My stepson was into drugs and was friends with a lot of bad people and my partner and I had (not orthodox) therapy for quite a few years to get to a point where we were able to stop beating ourselves up about his behaviour. This approach may help you too and give you some peace. It will also allow you to stand back from the situation and view it more objectively. In a family situation, there are always millions of undercurrents ready to erupt at any time. Good luck.

Reply to MadMax7

A place full of believers of aliens and conspiratists is not the place to seek counseling for this type of family problem. Go and see some people who can actually help you, guide you and who are physical people, not anonymous ATS unknowns.

Actually, I would say that orthodox scientists and medical professionals are generally not the best people to know about life since their training has ensured they use a fairly rigid way of viewing the world. Unfortunately, the world does not fit into this view as can be seen by the many cases which are reported by many all over the world. There are wise people on here just as much as there are 'outside' the forum and you find truth in all walks of life. Excluding one source of truth is denying the possibility that some of the truth we are all seeking exists there. Of course, thats your choice.

reply to post by UNIT76

One time we had a little wind fall and treated the family to nice gifts and WE created all of this.? Again, for those that do not comprehend what they read, we are not rich. Our own child is not the issue. She is 50 now. The issue is the adult grandson and his wife. I did not raise his wife. How am I responsible for her ideas?
We have tried to treat family well and with respect and just thought we would receive some respect also.

reply to post by signalfire


We helped one grandson out when he was making mistakes and that was over 13 years ago. He has a wonderful job with the state, 2 kids but a nutty kinda wife. I did not raise his wife. He has made great strides and turned his life around because of our help and support. My daughter is not the issue in this problem and neither should my parenting skills be questioned. The entire family is not a bunch of jail birds and junkies. What they do as adults now is not my doing. The one inlaw is the worst of it right now. We are not rich. It is not about the 4 thousand we may have left after burial. We simply want our burial done to our wishes. So, what is your point?

reply to post by shrevegal


If it weren't for my "Grands" helping out when I was younger, with the stupid mistakes that I made, and the situations that those mistakes put me in, I have no idea where my daughter and I would be now. It's too bad that they didn't live long enough to see how their generosity changed me.

Best wishes to you.

Do not leave a god damn thing to those parasites!

I know they are you kin, and kin of kin, but they are rotten and do not deserve another cent or lick of help from you.

They do not care about your well being!

Leave it to a charity or do some research on some other family you may not have known about!

As a nurse, I am fully aware of therapies and counseling and have utilized it in the past for family when younger and for my own issues. However, arm chair shrinks out there on this thread, I am doing just fine regardless of your diagnosis. I will rely on my own medical folks thanx.I do not take meds except for high BP. I know what a DNR is and we both have living wills. Our first wills were done at AFB jag attorneys and they did all we wanted. We are returning to mostly have our burial desires done up. Yes, it is a control issue. After all these years of life are we not entitled to that one small request? It's not like we are wanting a lavish affair or some such.

I am amazed how cruel some folks have been and yet in awe of some of the love and understanding received here today as well.

Husband gets taken care of very well at the VA and has always been able to receive counseling. We are not stupid and we are not crazy and we are not at fault for what our grand-daughter-inlaw is up to. Grandson is not perfect but way better than we ever hoped for. Again, we only have about 4 thousand left after burial so there is no big money dealy. One of us is always well enuf to get to the store or for doc visits...it just would be nice if we had the tiniest of help some times...just with the yard maybe. Why do folks feel we are so terrible? MMoving far away....our money situation is very limiting. There comes a time when too much toxic family stresses will have to cause us to tell them to leave us be...sad. I have very high BP so it may be best solution.

When I was a nurse, I saved lives and lovingly cared for folks in need. Once, another nurse went to lunch and the IV infiltrated on her patient and I put a tourniquet (sp), tired...on the patients arm until the doc arrived to cut it out and saved her life. There were many times like that where I feel I did good. At home, the nurse in me was nurturing/loving/aware....we did counseling and such....not a stupid person....yet wow, the attacks on me today. Unreal.

reply to post by Legion2024


We really don't have anything much to sell or leave...we are of modest means and our only wish was to receive half of the love and respect that we gave out and to be buried as per our wishes. We have a small trailer, modest furniture, no savings and about 4 thousand left of ins. after burial. Husband has a nice new car, his one pleasure but that isn't paid for and no one gets that. We are going to legally have our burial plans made this week. There is no other large money amts. It dosen't matter. We still have each other. I guess that is all we have ever really had or could count on it seems.I truly regret starting this thread...it got all misundertood and blown out of proportion. My BP is up so I'm done. Folks will believe/think whatever they please. I'm not blaming you...just have to finish up now. I appreciate what you had to say and thanx for stopping by.

These people must have never lost anyone before.

If a loved one dies, you NEVER allow yourself to skip out on other loved ones.

You never know how long they'll be there, so you spend time with them.

Speaking as someone who's personally experienced this regret, I'm sorry, but they sound pretty selfish. They're gonna have a wake-up call, but hopefully you make amends with them and everything is alright before that wake-up call, and before some of you, or your family members, aren't around anymore.

God willing. Talk to them about it.

No matter how young or old you are, perfect or ill in health, you don't have time to puddy-foot around and procrastinate on confrontations that need to happen.

Talk em up.

God bless, good luck

reply to post by RothchildRancor


Thank you R. for speaking to me. I appreciate it and am glad you are not against me as so many here have been. "They" won't be getting anything....I think....after burial, the 4 thousand or so will get snapped up by credit card company, I suspect. We have no "estate" to speak of. We had a nice home but couldn't keep it up over health issues. Being husband can't crawl under cars anymore to repair them, he did buy a new one but that will go back...it isn't paid off. I don't have to find anyone else to give money to as there won't be any left. I just think they all thought hubby got a big pay off when he left the Army disabled but he didn't...he gets small monthly benefits. So...the surprise will be on them. Thanx for your kindness.

reply to post by Legion2024


Thanx Legion. We are going to seek out info relevant to pre-pay this week at a local funeral home. I understand once you plan it with the home, no on else can change the arrangements!! Good advice...thanx and blessings.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


Thank you hon for replying. We have talked many times and expressed our concerns and worries and feelings. With very self-orientated people sometimes, it just dosen't work. They don't seem to understand or just plain cut us off and don't wanna listen. We have tried often and in a nice way...not yelling or anything....dosen't matter. I wish it wasn't as it is. You are right....life is so prescious and too short for this kinda diddling around but when it is only one side that is willing to try???? What to do. My doctor has advised me to STOP trying as my Blood Pressure is getting so high from the stress and strain of it all and she knows and understands and is on my side relevant to it all. She knows me and my family well and she knows I have done my best. Now, she fears for my health and says I MUST step back. My BP settled for a bit but tonite I it is up. It sometimes hits 250/120 and that is stroke range so I may have to stop trying as it seems I am the only one. I wish it was different. We all want to be loved right up until the end but sometimes.....Blessings and love to you.

Kick the kids out and say they get nothing unless they sober up and back off. It's your stuff and it goes to your needs before theirs now that they're adults. That means if your last penny goes to your health so be it, past all the "nice" stuff you're pressured to do.

Don't talk money with the kids. Say if they have any questions they can discuss it with the family trust person you're putting in charge of your stuff when you depart. Then the sharks circling is over because they know they can't win now. Put conditions in the will, put what you have towards time-delayed payments even. Get it written before they try to victimize you.

Originally posted by shrevegal



We have never been the bossy types or pesky or nosey as to our kids lives...we mind our own business and don't nag or lecture or call on phones...we don't like phones much. We don't interfere in their affairs. Yet, we have always helped them with money problems, given emotional support when needed, bought them their first flat screen tvs and given them furniture and tools when we had to down size from big home/property to smaller arrangements because we could no longer up keep because of health issues. They aren't the type that would help with the lawn once in a while or take us to the store or whatnot. We didn't give them things to expect heavy strings attached but just a small amount of help and kindness simply because they are family would have been nice. Yet, zilch.

If you let people walk all over you they will. You simply spoiled, or failed to raise properly, your child and are now paying the multi-generational price. It is sad and horrible. Change your will, when it comes to things such as an executor of your estate, you need someone you can almost absolutely trust.

From now on, start adding strings, not severe ones, but light ones.

reply to post by shrevegal


you know what you hit the nail on the head "You have each other" for get the rest the only one thing that really matters is right in front you . live and love no matter what the rest think and do and want.


And no drama.