Our Family Is Just Waiting For Us To Die! Please Comment.

I some what understand your situation since my In laws on my father-in-Law are waiting for him to pass as well, so my in-laws did what no one ever thought, they sold their lake front home and bought into a retirement home, looks like a fancy apartment where they are close to doctors and stores and they don't have to rely one anyone.

I have been in the good grace of my in-laws ever since I married their daughter 23 years ago, they always confussed to me since we would always travel three hours almost every weekend to be with them, My father-in-Law made it a point once to me that most of everything they have would be changed to payable upon death, he never said who and I never asked, he said this way nothing can be taken to court over money, and all there possesions (big things like boats, collectables) they have been already handing them down to who they think should get them.

I guess you need to make that decision, move out of your house and move someplace where you can have a piece of mind, I know in my neck of the woods we have a bunch of out standing assisted living faclities that cater to thier residents, nice look apartments as well.

From the looks of what your are saying all they want is what you have, people like them make me sick.

Originally posted by shrevegal
reply to post by aboutface

 

Hi aboutface, I was pleased to hear from you and read what you mentioned. We plan to get the legal situation settled soon. Because of so many moves because of prior military affiliations, we do not have much of a support group relevant to friends at this stage in our life...most have died, moved, divorced and such. We are pushing 80 so not many folks we know left. All our siblings and other older relatives have passed on....so we will have to plan our new wills and such differently. We aren't rich anyhow so we don't have lots but can leave to charities i suppose. My main worry is if we pass together. If it is only one, then of course, the other of us is in charge and no one can mess with things. If we both pass together is where the worry comes in...we want burial a certain way and such....not what others may want.

If I survive my husband, I do plan on perhaps moving out of state and living my life free of the family stresses and having a better time of it hopefully. Thanx so much for you kindness and helpful reply. Hugs.

Thank you for putting that out there Shrevegal. I know where you're headed, and what's
making it happen. I was divorced almost thirty years ago, disowned twenty plus. Maybe
two of the best things to ever happen to me. It's from an old movie, but sadly true sometimes:
"It's better to have come from a broken home than to try to live in one." Sometimes whole
generations of abuse or other mishandling of the young make an exit necessary. I'm a good
example of the extreme result-- I was at the same time sufficiently aware of the maladjust-
ment and history to not have children. Besides, in a world turned this evil, what person in
their right mind would want to bring anyone they love into it, worse leave them behind in it?
Upside: the hate chain stops here. Better to be numb now than feel anything.

Hello, i hope you dont feel alone by now, (i cheated reading the replies:duh
The problemseems generational.....
My own solution is to spend what small savings i have to make my own survival possible.......not luxury by any means.....
The two kids i have are pretty much the same unthinking louts.
Go buy a plot for youtself and hubby, and arrange for a Lawyer or other executor who is NOT family.make these arrangements ahead of time, and set theem in stone.

Then take what you have rightfully earned and live the best you can without planning on leaving anything behind....
The kids of today say to hell with us, i say to hell with them.....
(my grandjids maybe different) but ill never see them....nobody ever seems to show up or even phone to ask if im alive much......To e honest, those conversations inevitably revolve around them and their problems after a few cursory how are yous.....
Families all over America are experiencing this same generational disconnection.....
Im sorry but im fresh out of helpfullness or sympathy......Us old folk have got to realise we are prey to our children , and theirstrange disassociative state that passes for normal these days.....
God help us...................s

Relevant story.

I am 74. At 30 was in a car crash and again 4 years ago. I was still spending settlement money from the first when the second happened, and now I am left with a batch of money, a family I do not respect, and a daughter who shows me no respect or interest (long story.)

(Lets say it is the same as opening story, but I have already dumped them all and have been independent.)

I have my Rehab assistant as my POA and Executrix, and the other people who help me, and I pay them, housework, laundry, shopping, taking me places and yet I still live alone---would otherwise be spending it on Assisted Living and don-t know if I can have a computer and a car and privacy.

Only problem is that I am in pain day and night, and now my haemoglobin is low, so will be rechecking for internal bleeding, makes me too weak to take my wheelchair one block, but I can go downstairs, get into my car and drive to a drive thru-- haha-- 3 hrs in bed, 3 hrs. up 3 hrs in bed--that is the routine!

There is really no reason for me to go on taking up space, but when I do go, I am leaving instructions--immediate cremation, already prepaid, no service, no announcement to anyone who was left behind

The people who are kind to me, and I know who is who among the people I see, are the beneficiaries
I pay their wages, but also throw a little etc. to help out, new and again.

When the time comes, if anyone wants to fight over my Will, they will find that it is not worth is because it disappeared to my chosen beneficiaries

That is the rough Idea of what I have done and am happy about it..

No one says you have to leave a pile of money to worthless family and kids!

---and I have suffered for 44 years in pain to allow anyone else to enjoy that!

reply to post by shrevegal

Unfortunately ,this is the way of it. I saw it as a,child when my dads mom got sick and later passed.
Assume there is infighting between them as well. Who gets what ,I want my share ,blah blah blah .

My father died before any of this occured ,but he had seven brothers and sisters.
They fought over who got "stuck" with her when she was ill ,most of them declined ,and then fought over her stuff when it was liquidated .
I was about 14 ,and I said to my mom ,who asked for nothing,but spoke to various aunts and uncles ,WHAT THE HELL MA !?!
And she told me ,its common. Then I saw it again as an adult when my best friends parents passed ,and my friend was astound at how her siblings were acting ,and I told her what I just wrote here .

That being said,you ,as a child,you want to be able to handle everything ,if god forbid ,a parent is ill or may die ,but there's both of you,quite alive,and not terminal I assume.


I would tell them all to F off,and make a will leaving everything to the local animal shelter .
Tell them to chill ,and maybe you will change it if they stop acting like abysmal twanks .

I know its harsh ,but I find this kind of behavior reprehensible

It's a great idea to name an executor who is not family. Even an attorney, social worker, or other professional if you don't have someone.

I would meet with my children in the attorney's office, let them know they have no control over my estate, and no control over medical decisions made on my behalf. I would tell them the will is subject to change, depending on what happens in the future.

Never give a junkie a key to your home.

So sorry this is happening. I can only imagine how distressing it is. My best wishes to you and your spouse.

If there is disposable income, use it to pay someone for assistance when you need it. Teenagers can be good for trips to the market, and there are usually social services around to assist with this type thing as well. As painful as it is, you can't rely on your adult children.

Your story is typical these days. The elderly are no longer appreciated in terms of wisdom and resources. Our off-spring live in a world beyond the world we knew. The elderly are no longer needed to recite stories of how it was in their days and how that can apply to their children. "Mom, that was then, this is NOW!"

Many of our children don't need our physical resources of the old homeplace to inherit. They have their own lives apart from us these days with the entailing expenses., They have credit. Most of them think in terms of liquidity, cash money. When it comes to what Mom and Pop will leave them, they want it now if possible. Not being dependent upon the parents (except in ways they won't admit) they are detached from the parents, have few joys between them and tend to think of the house and dwindling savings accounts as a jackpot to be tapped before it is gone. That is the essence of the "gimme generation." You over-compensated, but you shouldn't feel guilty over it. You didn't do anything wrong.

I understand that the family has you in a bind. They are there, if distantly. You don't want to alienate them to a greater extent, but do you want the respect that you should have as a parent and as a future benefactor. As far as changing the wills, that can be your belated chastising to the family, a revenge, if you will Of course, it will come a bit late. I would hate to think of you and your husband accepting that as the only avenue to which you can control or change your predicament. You always have choices.

reply to post by SarnholeOntarable

Don't forget that a child is the product of the parent.

Complete and utter rubbish! That is a sweeping generalisation and a totally myopic view of things. Whilst if you are luck your children will grown up to abide by the standards you set there is absolutely no way that you can guarantee that. Much can be said for peer pressure having a bigger hand, but there again one cannot generalise.

reply to post by shrevegal

You are so right. I spend many a sleepless night wondering what we may have done wrong that caused such a sad family situation. I beat myself up about it a lot. ......... There must have been something wrong in me or "they" wouldn't be as they are.

NOT necessarily. Don't beat yourself up about it, and if I was in your shoes I would give my goods and chattels to charity on my death. Children have NO right to receive in a will. In my opinion they can choose to earn their inheritance, or reject it by their behaviour.

reply to post by shrevegal


Going through the same thing with my family. Circumstances are a little different of course.

It is difficult. I guess all I want to offer is not what you should do or feel. You probably get enough of that from the armchair quarterbacks. Instead, simply remember some folks, while incapable of successfully managing their own lives, have plenty of energy and ambition to tell you how to manage yours. I have no clue why that is but it is your choice if you want to play along. Sorry if that comes off as borderline advice but you do whatever you want.

Originally posted by shrevegal
Hi guys, I'm of course sad but in need of a rant as well, I think. I would like some feedback relevant to what I am about to reveal....advice and such. Please be kind...I'm feeling so off kilter from all this.

Hubby and I are both in various stages of ill health...but we are still alive and kickin as much as possible whenever possible.

However, our family is what causes us considerable confusion and unhappiness. Heres the deal...we try and stay as independant as possible. We try and do eveything we can on our own. What few times we are both not well, if we ever do need a ride to docs or to pick up a few store items, we always get excuses from family and end up having to make do on our own. They rarely visit. We love the entire family but are disheartened.

We have never been the bossy types or pesky or nosey as to our kids lives...we mind our own business and don't nag or lecture or call on phones...we don't like phones much. We don't interfere in their affairs. Yet, we have always helped them with money problems, given emotional support when needed, bought them their first flat screen tvs and given them furniture and tools when we had to down size from big home/property to smaller arrangements because we could no longer up keep because of health issues. They aren't the type that would help with the lawn once in a while or take us to the store or whatnot. We didn't give them things to expect heavy strings attached but just a small amount of help and kindness simply because they are family would have been nice. Yet, zilch.

I feel like hubby and I have been very generous and loving and good hearted to family. They never had to fear us or be annoyed by us. Even bail money was provided when needed. We are very thoughtful and cannot understand what ever happened to the "thoughtfulness gene" relevant to the rest of the family?

Now, they are demanding copies of our wills, want keys to our house....telling us if we are ever in a coma, they will smother us to help end our misery. We have always wanted to be buried in one piece but they are claiming to want to cremate us both. My daughter is a junkie so we made grandson executor of our will before he married. His wife is the one with the smothering/cremation plans so we plan to see the jag attorneys at the AFB and change wills. Grandson was addict and convicted felon but seemed to straighten up with good job now and 2 kids but nutty wife so.....what to do. Hubby has always believed grandson hasn't changed as much as I believe or else he wouldn't be with the style wife he is with...I don't know what to think anymore. So dissappointed. Are we wrong to change stuff. With no family to rely on/trust, who can be executor if we both passed at once? I'm sure the jag can tell us...just wondering...would it be wrong to leave our small money insurance amount to charity or some such? I hate that things are as they are and very sad. Thanx for listening.

Hubby and I are in charge of wills for each other if we go separately and that is good...the thing that worries me if we went in a wreck at once....then the family would be in charge and I don't like their ideas/plans. I'm not looking for legal advice here...more emotional ideas/support/opinions.

PS-Hubby and I have been good people, I think....no criminal records. not even traffic tickets. good hearted, fun natured, kind, generous, hard working...not junkies or drunks...what happened? We both came from horrible childhoods...did some bad genes skip a generation or what. We just can't figure it out. We would never say and do the things our younger family has done and we sure would never be like our horrible, scary psycho parents...so, what happened.?

You're a mess. Your family 's a mess. You saw your parents kill you grandma. You might want to go to the police about this. As for your children, they don't sound like a prize. Sounds like your whole bunch needs some tough love.

Spend what money you have. Must be some if the kids are all anxious to get at it. Hire some live in help. You'll get the kids attention when they see all that cash going out the door.

My advice don't depend on those bums. First of all, they want to kill you, and from what you say is your family history, this might not be out of the question. This ain't no minor problem, you have huge issues. I suggest you move and don't tell them where.

What are your illnesses? Are you a hypochondriac? You're not on drugs yourself are you. I don't mean to be rude but you need to answer some hard questions.

reply to post by shrevegal


Heartfelt sympathies to you and your hubby.

Just a few observations and some advice. Your daughter in law has suggested that she may smother you? Is that her way of telling you she wants to help ease your pain by executing her own version of a DNR? I have an agreement with my daughter, that if I am ever "vegetablized", I asked her to smother me. She said, "Oh no! I will get you some "good drugs" to make you smile on your way out!" (She's a medical research doctor, and has access to the best drugs!)

Both of my parents had DNRs and I watched them both die a slow horrible death in the hospital. I would advise you to remove your DNRs, and don't worry, death will come anyway.

As far as your worry of cremation. Purchase burial plots and caskets if you can, and put it in your will, your desire to be buried.

Good luck and peace to you both!

reply to post by shrevegal


I do think you should change your wills and leave your earthly goods and money to a charity (that will make good use of them) and/or a good and trusted friend.

Just because someone is a blood relative does not mean that they are good people and are on your side; and it also does not mean that you owe them anything.

You and your spouse are good people and your relatives have chosen not to be; you did your best; they have chosen a different path than you did; that is their choice... and you are not responsible for their choices.

Get a good lawyer and make the change!

My opinion- see a lawyer and work this out with just the 3 of you, and no emotional interference from offspring. Leave it all to charity if you wish- it is your life's savings, you can do as you please. You don't owe these ungrateful brats a thing. In fact you have done far more for them, than I would if my kids acted that way. I understand both the drug addiction issues and the cold-blooded statements-I've seen and heard both from my own kids. However, if I post my own opinion as to why this generation of kids has grown up to be what they are, I would be flamed, and I'm just not in the mood to deal with them kinda folk today. I'd also think about the contact you have with them and how it could affect your personal safety.

reply to post by shrevegal

PS-Hubby and I have been good people, I think....no criminal records. not even traffic tickets. good hearted, fun natured, kind, generous, hard working...not junkies or drunks...what happened? We both came from horrible childhoods...did some bad genes skip a generation or what. We just can't figure it out. We would never say and do the things our younger family has done and we sure would never be like our horrible, scary psycho parents...so, what happened.?

The facts of those who were before you, many generations of the same family back in time must be paid without their will by those with no other guilt that they were(are) good people.

But you have us, here on ATS,and we all love you,and that's what really matters.

Whatever will happen you have us and you will always be loved here on ATS;.

The money are at no importance, but the way they behave with you is,therefore you can cut any contact with all those that make you suffer,now and in the past.

So,we all love you here for what you are and not for what others want you to be.

reply to post by stirling


You definitely put that right out there- and I'm glad you said it. It IS generational and we are just prey to our children. Even my own, although I'm not old yet at 49, are asking us what we plan on leaving them....Yet I don't see my grandchildren, I only hear from them if they want or need something, and otherwise am told they don't want to hear from me, regardless of the situation. I was told by my oldest son that he doesn't even want to know or hear of when I die- he doesn't care. He just wants what we are going to leave to him as soon as possible so we don't "waste it" on ourselves or "toys" we want, he says. So, I just flat out told him that we would be leaving it all to charity and not to expect anything. He says to me he's entitled to it, and we better not do that. (in a threatening tone) Since this seems to be the attitude, we have already liquidated, purchased an RV, and only have a mailbox at a retail locale to get our mail. We don't stay in one place for too long, and we don't make our location public, to anyone. Our will leaves it all to a local pet charity that has a no-kill shelter.



So yeah, it's not an unusual story, and it seems to be heading in that direction all over. It's just plain sad.

I am glad to read from your posts that your getting legal advice.

I want to let you know that you are not wrong to cut them off (so to speak) from being power of attorney and other issues involving the will. I have seen family members act like it is a free for all when someone dies. This disgusts me. They have no respect for your wishes and would do as they wish if the power was in their hands.

good luck and maybe you can find a good caregiver on an on-needed basis

well you could keep the wills private & have you considered having a visiting nurse come in or meals on wheels or one of the agencies that provides rides ,my mom & others took advantage of all of the above with good results when i could be there to do things for her

Originally posted by MarionR
Relevant story.

I am 74. At 30 was in a car crash and again 4 years ago. I was still spending settlement money from the first when the second happened, and now I am left with a batch of money, a family I do not respect, and a daughter who shows me no respect or interest (long story.)

(Lets say it is the same as opening story, but I have already dumped them all and have been independent.)

I have my Rehab assistant as my POA and Executrix, and the other people who help me, and I pay them, housework, laundry, shopping, taking me places and yet I still live alone---would otherwise be spending it on Assisted Living and don-t know if I can have a computer and a car and privacy.

Only problem is that I am in pain day and night, and now my haemoglobin is low, so will be rechecking for internal bleeding, makes me too weak to take my wheelchair one block, but I can go downstairs, get into my car and drive to a drive thru-- haha-- 3 hrs in bed, 3 hrs. up 3 hrs in bed--that is the routine!

There is really no reason for me to go on taking up space, but when I do go, I am leaving instructions--immediate cremation, already prepaid, no service, no announcement to anyone who was left behind

The people who are kind to me, and I know who is who among the people I see, are the beneficiaries
I pay their wages, but also throw a little etc. to help out, new and again.

When the time comes, if anyone wants to fight over my Will, they will find that it is not worth is because it disappeared to my chosen beneficiaries

That is the rough Idea of what I have done and am happy about it..

No one says you have to leave a pile of money to worthless family and kids!

---and I have suffered for 44 years in pain to allow anyone else to enjoy that!

Sorry to hear about that... My fiancee's aunt passed on that way. She had a bad stroke and the doctors gave her 3-4 months to live. We drove to San Antonio, TX and brought her back to Virginia where she lived for 6 1/2 years. The sad part was we had to fight for quality care the whole way.

reply to post by AQuestion


wow, AQurstion, that's actually good advice methinks.

oh, but the right kind of attorney though. they aren't called sharks for nothing - sorry if you are one. just too many of those smooth talkin' Liars , i mean lawyerzzzzz.....