Need some advice, can't even get a date.

I'm not trying to have a pity party, or anything like that. I just need some advice.

When I meet a woman I like, I'm always polite, I open doors, pull out seats, bring flowers. But it always ends up with her saying "I only like you as a friend.". What is with that? For that matter, who leads someone on like that? I don't get it. I'm only doing what I was raised to do, to be a gentleman. What gives? I'm not the best looking or most successful guy, but according to most people that doesn't matter. So, what's the problem? So I don't always try to get in her pants on the first date, now that's unacceptable? Any advice?

I'm not the best looking or most successful guy

First thing is...stop saying that to yourself.

You are a great looking guy and you have achievements to be proud of!

reply to post by dave_welch


Be confident. Confidence is beyond sexy. Channel Sean Connery and ooze self confidence. You'll be amazed at how women flock. Towards confident guys.

Oh, and humor is also sexy.

Good luck! It took me fifteen years to find my husband....and he's totally worth it. Be patient, she's out there....

Originally posted by dave_welch
I'm not trying to have a pity party, or anything like that. I just need some advice.

When I meet a woman I like, I'm always polite, I open doors, pull out seats, bring flowers. But it always ends up with her saying "I only like you as a friend.". What is with that? For that matter, who leads someone on like that? I don't get it. I'm only doing what I was raised to do, to be a gentleman. What gives? I'm not the best looking or most successful guy, but according to most people that doesn't matter. So, what's the problem? So I don't always try to get in her pants on the first date, now that's unacceptable? Any advice?

I can only offer some advice that could leave you lonely for a while. Here it is: Don't pretend to be something or someone that you're not. Sooner or later you have to return to being you. This will only attract women that will eventually leave you, with them saying, "You're not the person I thought you were."

Stay true to yourself and wait for the ones that want to be more than just friends. With roughly three billion women on the planet I guarantee there's a few million out there just for you. Be patient - Be you.

reply to post by Kram09


Thanks. However, and I'm not trying to be confrontational or anything, but how do you know?

reply to post by dave_welch

but how do you know?

I don't and I'm actually a guy.

My point was, if you keep telling yourself that, you will come to truly believe it and women will too.

Have confidence my friend. Be yourself, be happy and also have patience.

reply to post by dave_welch

Have confidence my friend.

However I have to say that for those with low confidence it can be a struggle and it's not as simple as just jumping out of bed in the morning and saying "I'm confident."

For some it can take time. But work at it and don't give up.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Thanks, I appreciate it, but as you know, confidence isn't something you can turn on or off. I'm sure I'll find a way to get it back. But, being unemployed (and believe me, I try every day to remedy that.) I have few things in my life right now to make me feel confident (other than having a few drinks). That being said, I'm a recovered alcoholic, so, I try not to drink very often so I don't travel down that dark road again, that's what caused me to lose my fiance 4 years ago. Anyway, going off on a tangent, so I'll stop that Thank you.

reply to post by jiggerj


Love your avatar, Grumpy Old Men is one of my favorites. Thanks for the advice, that's something I try not to do, and I'm pretty good at just being myself, to a fault sometimes.

reply to post by Kram09


Well, thanks . Like I said, just looking for advice, and possible a morale boost.

You seem to worry too much about it. Stop it been a priority which you chase and eventually it will fall in place. Confidence is key, humor and the ability to rip the piss out of your self is also a good foundation, for any relationship. Take a little brake from perusing this and be a little bit mo lighthearted towards the issue and you will see what I mean.

Happy new year buddy. Wish you the best for 2013

reply to post by dave_welch
Be yourself! The woman who is right for you will be tickled pea green with you just the way you are- and trust me, there are many women out there seeking a true gentleman. Perhaps you are shopping in the wrong aisle? I would suggest you seek new avenues in your search for the right girl. You will find her......probably where you least expect it!

reply to post by dave_welch

When I meet a woman I like, I'm always polite, I open doors, pull out seats, bring flowers. But it always ends up with her saying "I only like you as a friend.". What is with that?

Dude, it's 2013, not 1813. Most chicks don't want that crap anymore. Treat them like their lucky to have you and you'll be golden play'a.
Don't be a total dick, just don't try and be the 1950's guy, it just doesn't work anymore.

Stop opening doors, pulling out seats, and bringing them flowers.

If for some reason, you get the vibe the girl doesn't like you, move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, you've just got to toss out the hook.

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by smyleegrl

 

Thanks, I appreciate it, but as you know, confidence isn't something you can turn on or off. I'm sure I'll find a way to get it back. But, being unemployed (and believe me, I try every day to remedy that.) I have few things in my life right now to make me feel confident (other than having a few drinks). That being said, I'm a recovered alcoholic, so, I try not to drink very often so I don't travel down that dark road again, that's what caused me to lose my fiance 4 years ago. Anyway, going off on a tangent, so I'll stop that Thank you.

Don't bottle up your feelings. Let them out. Writing your angst in a journal (or on ATS) gets it out, keeps it from festering.

Confidence isn't something you can fake...but you can earn it. What is something you do well? Be truthful, everyone has something they are good at.

Develop that talent, even if its nebulous at best. And focus on determining who you are, your abilities and limits. Challenge yourself, you'll be amazed at what you can do.

As an example, I used to be incredibly shy. Then I took a trip to Europe by myself. I was on a bus tour, so it was safe, but I was alone and knew no one. I found myself during that trip. I didn't get lost, (an accomplishment for me), I learned to talk to strangers, and I learned the importance of self reliance. Most of all, I gained self confidence.

Set a quest for yourself, even if its merely finding a certain type of job or the like. Every time you reach your goal, your self confidence will rise.

Originally posted by Chargeit
reply to post by dave_welch

 

When I meet a woman I like, I'm always polite, I open doors, pull out seats, bring flowers. But it always ends up with her saying "I only like you as a friend.". What is with that?

Dude, it's 2013, not 1813. Most chicks don't want that crap anymore. Treat them like their lucky to have you and you'll be golden play'a.
Don't be a total dick, just don't try and be the 1950's guy, it just doesn't work anymore.

Stop opening doors, pulling out seats, and bringing them flowers.

If for some reason, you get the vibe the girl doesn't like you, move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, you've just got to toss out the hook.

Some of us chicks still like it.

Well, Dave. I have a theory. If you can use it, great. If you can't, or if other people don't agree with me, I don't care! (That bears on what I say below.)

If you project "need and desire" when you meet someone, it elicits the reaction you are getting, the dreaded "Friend" label, which can never be revoked. You may as well walk away immediately because it's a done deal.

If you project indifference, it's a turn-on. Not that you should not be gentlemanly and polite like you were raised, but you have to NOT CARE if the relationship goes anywhere because, like, you've got interests and things to do and, well, a relationship is really not necessary for you to have a full life. If she can't see your "inner beauty," screw it. You haven't got time to waste here.

Some of us chicks still like it.

Yea, I should of cleared that up better.

Once you know for a fact, that the women is into you. Than it's cool to do some of that.

Just don't bring some women you barely know flowers n crap. A lot don't like it, and it will make you more than likely look creepy.

Watch out for falling into the creep zone.

I've always been polite myself, though, I had a good balance of that and knowing when to not give a rats ass.

Stay out the creep zone, avoid unwanted kindness and you're golden.

I'm saving this, people gave you some great advice, man. It's not easy for me, either - but I've been trying some of the stuff on here, like learning who I am, being myself, and being confident, and knowing that the right girl will totally be into me for who I am.

I'm sure I will find her in an unexpected place, at an unexpected time one day. But that day shall not be tooday, I imagine.

Instead of looking for someone to be your girl, get out there and just do stuff you enjoy. You will meet all kinds of other people who share your likes and who like spending time doing those things with you, some of whom will be single women. Then you will have something in common to build a relationship from.

And yes, politeness is still appreciated and you can make it sexy too. When you open the door for her, you can hold it open with one hand while you guide her gently through with a light touch of your other hand on her lower back, or hovering just above. Moves like that are classy and can be very hot. When you open her car door, offer her your hand, palm up, to steady herself as she climbs in, and maintain eye contact the whole time. I was married for years to a guy who was a master of these moves and they go a long way in the thrills dept.

reply to post by dave_welch


Sounds to me like you're getting friend zoned. Acting like a "nice guy" will help make this happen.

I'm not advocating you act like a jerk -- but make your intentions known right from the begining. If you act like a "friend" she will file you away as a "friend" -- and sometimes even use you for free food/rides/attention.

Most women will know within 30 seconds if she will ever sleep with you. Her subconcious mind makes that determination immediatley upon meeting you. If you don't get the vibe, move on and don't waste your money/time.

Women are also very insecure and require constant attention. One trick that I've seen work is to insult her, but make it sound like a compliment. Instead of telling her she looks nice -- tell her that you don't get how guys like big boobs. Tell her, "All these models with these perfect bodies...That's so unrealistic! I'm more into a someone like you, you're like the girl next door."

That'll drive her nuts. Another mistake I see guys do is pay to much attention to a woman. As I said, women are insecure and crave attention. If you initially act interested and then then act like you don't care -- it'll make her crazy wondering what is wrong with her/going on. You may just start getting HER to call YOU!

It sounds horrible, but guys that always have dates and whatnot naturally gravitate to the women with low self-esteem. These women are very easy to pick up. Many of them are actually really attractive and have a good personality! For whatever reason (maybe Daddy issues?) they lack any confidence or self esteem. I have some guy friends that can sniff them out like a hound and go after them. It's amazing to see.

Learn to read body language -- you can learn a lot from how someone is sitting/angled at you. WARNING: Don't read into body language to much though, just use it as another piece of evidence.

Once you're in the "friend zone", it's almost impossible to get out. I can be done, but it's really, really rare. Women have the advantage in that if they want to get laid, they can just come on/seduce pretty much any guy they want. They have the upper hand. Do not let them have this power over you! Be confident in yourself and act like, "I don't NEED to be with you, I only sort of want to" (in a playful, upbeat, friendly way). This will confuse the crap out of them and make you seem interesting.

Oh, and one last thing...DONT OVERTHINK SITUATIONS INVOLVING WOMEN. You'll paralyze yourself and fail to jump when you should. Just go with the flow!