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Pouring your heart and soul into something no one cares about

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posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 08:21 PM
Man, it's been a hell of a long time since I've ranted into ATS. I tend to avoid spewing personal problems like plague these days, but this always eats at me and I just have to speak.

I'm an author. I'm also an American manga artist.

For a few years now, I've been busting my ass on written works (an apocalypse fiction series) and a number of manga series. This is a lot of work and a lot to accomplish, but I give it my all. After two years of being turned away by publishers (as most writers are), i grew tired and took the route of self-publishing. I knew it would be harder on me that way, but at least it would be visible instead of just buried from the light of day.

After all this, I've got a couple reviews and some very good feedback, but nothing else. I know this kind of goal takes a lot of time and effort to find any level of success, but it seems to be the most fruitless thing I've ever done in my life--and it's my dream, my only real passion, which drives the knife even deeper. The one thing that drives me is the most failed thing in my life.

I'm currently homeless, drifting from place to place and managing mental illness and panic attacks. I have no way of holding down a job or even getting to an interview--and even if I did, I know from all my past experiences that panic attacks would drive me out the door. Not to mention, I'm terrified of becoming my parents - both of whom were blessed with the same talents I have, but unplanned children, divorce, and substantial financial demands drained their time and energy, and their dreams faded into memory. It terrified me to think I may turn into the same thing, spending my life waiting for life to start, not prioritizing my passion.

It's all personal and sounds whiny, which is why I tend not to talk about it. It seems somewhat pointless sometimes to expend the amount of effort I do in my doomsday series, but I just love the stories so much, and the idea of others enjoying them makes me happy in a way nothing else can. Not sure if I'm looking for advice or what... but objective opinions usually help me organize these types of thoughts.

Thanks for reading.

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 08:41 PM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

If it makes you happy, gives you a way to escape - even if just for a little bit, all the bs life throws at you and your not hurting anyone...
Man, stick with it.
Do you not feel accomplished when that last page is Done?
Do you not love the partial escape from the daily struggles?
To be able to immerse yourself in this whole other world you created...
Your lucky brother.

If it’s worth anything to ya, Post your stuff, I’ll read it.
edit on 20-6-2019 by Macenroe82 because: (no reason given)

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 08:47 PM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

I can relate to the frustration and energy drain it can feel like when your passion and hard work don't seem to give you the traction it should - like others have said, it really sounds like your heart is in it and you would likely feel like something's missing if you didn't create the art that you do.

It is a specialty and something that sounds like you have skills in. Keep working on your craft, share it here or with acquaintances or someone you trust.

Believe in yourself and take honest feedback to continue improving. Thanks for sharing your story, would like to hear about some encouraging updates about this in the near future. Stick with it

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 09:00 PM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

The funny thing about the work one does in the arts/writing is that one is discovered after the person has passed on. Almost as if society finds a buried diamond and then the success comes.

Writing and manga is your passion and so you must follow this or else you will be unfulfilled and even further depressed and always left to feel aimless.

Depression is nasty and a brutal foe - you must keep in mind that depression is not who you are. Anxiety is a result of past experiences. They are not your puppet master although it feels as if they are.

You will not make the same mistakes as your parents as long as you are aware of the choices you make and by being very careful. If you want kids then go for it. Kids are funny in that they are the hardest work one will ever do, but also the most rewarding and the people you will love the most in your life (if you make the choice), but along with them come situations and individual personalities that sometimes have one losing their control and sometimes sanity - but as long as you go in fully informed and with therapy beforehand, then when those little blips occur (as opposed to what would otherwise be immense blips) then it's all handable and healable.

I will pray for you! You can PM me any time you need. Depression will try to make you second guess yourself and make you feel unloved - but you ARE loved and you are creative, and you are amazing!

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 09:10 PM
I don't know if this makes it better or worse but.. I think these are all common feelings and problems for many artists. I also suffer from panic attacks and other issues and know what hell they can wreak on a person. Natural magnesium powder can really help if you want to try something otc.
In my town, there are literally dozens of 'pop up' art shows. I think illustrated stories would be an awesome addition! You do have to kind of get your finger on the pulse of the local artists so you will know when they are going to be but, if you can show your stuff at a few spots and maybe meet and be around similar thinkers, maybe this could help you in the other aspects of life as well?
Here are a couple that may help you get started, there is also another big one that's around but the name escapes me is in one of my sketchbooks though. When I find it I will add it too!
Call for artists
Call for entries
Good luck! Would love to see some of your work

This one was just recently in my town. There are always a few a month though, really random at homes and cafes, but they are fun and stuff does get bought/sold!

Denton eclectic
edit on 20-6-2019 by Starcrossd because: added link

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 09:10 PM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

There is no such thing as whiny.
There is nothing wrong with crying out in pain and asking for support - life sucks sometimes, hard....

Anyway, suggested solution with respect to your manga work:

1. Publish extracts (yes for free) on in order to publicize your work and create a following
2. Under your material on Deviantart, create a link to a Patreon account you created with full stories
3. On your Patreon, propose monthly membership fee of $10/Month you see all your material in hi-res
4. Once you make a few hundred subscribers, you start making decent money.

Best of all, with Patreon, there is no vulture self-publishing fee and no issues about distributing paper books to shops.

Do not despair.
Try it.


edit on 20-6-2019 by M5xaz because: (no reason given)

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 09:20 PM
Man remember some of the best anime/cartoons started as some guy making his own magma/comic never stop some people get there break late and some never get it but if no one try's we would not have some of the best fiction on this planet

Also if you have a link to your work I wouldn't mind reading it

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 09:41 PM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

So, everyone here has given you absolutely lovely praise and encouragement. Hopefully this drives you to keep working on your passion project.

As a fellow writer, I would suggest you set yourself up in the "gig" economy that drives publishing. Check out the sites you enjoy reading, look for a link that says "Write For Us!", etc. If you're good, this could lead to some lucrative assignments. This is the avenue you can use to make connections and get published.

As for self-publishing; if you're established and have means for self promotion, it's amazing. If not? It's not.

Writing material that sells takes a team, maybe even more than talent. Do you have an editor? If you don't, then you need one.

Best of luck. Keep writing for arts sake, but if you want to turn it into a career, you need to start at the bottom. (Unless you have a brilliant new configuration of the infamous "nobody-teen-who-is-actually-somebody-faces-apocalypse/the supernatural" story line, because in that case, a publishing house will snap you up in no time.)

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 09:57 PM
Sounds like you’re depressed because it’s not getting the reception you wanted .

Think about it like a joke.

I tell jokes for my entertainment it’s nice if other people enjoy it.

But I do it for me .

and it's my dream, my only real passion, which drives the knife even deeper.

You do it for you not them.

So don’t let the haters get you down and never give up .

“ if you’ve never failed you’ve never tried “


posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 10:02 PM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

Good to get it off your chest and you are among fambly here. I can relate enough. I pursued my own happiness, too, and despite some rough knocks along the way enough of it came true to be worth it. The struggle, brother, it's real.

Congrats on finishing your work though. That's an accomplishment and I understand the HARD work involved. P.M. me a link, X. I'll take a look and even buy a copy if I trust the vendor. Hang tough!!

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 10:11 PM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

I don't know, but have you tried Disney, Marvel and DC?

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 10:22 PM
I'm lost. What is a Manga artist?
edit on 20-6-2019 by rickymouse because: (no reason given)

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 10:33 PM
I really appreciate all the feedback, guys. i've read everything here thoroughly and I will respond more intuitively later, after I've had some sleep, hopefully...

But you really have made me feel like it's not entirely a waste of time xD

A couple of you said you were interested - here's everything I've got published thus far. Been focusing really hard on the Doomsday Chronicles Series lately. ---> My Published Works

I suppose a lot of life changes and small things piling up have helped perturb me, too. Seeing that more now than I was earlier...

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 10:34 PM
a reply to: rickymouse

Somebody who can make comic books in this style
My Published Manga!
edit on 20-6-2019 by XxKonspiracyxX because: (no reason given)

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 11:20 PM

originally posted by: XxKonspiracyxX
a reply to: rickymouse

Somebody who can make comic books in this style
My Published Manga!

Oh, I have seen that kind of stuff before. It sounds like you are busy with your writing and artwork. But, until it takes off you will probably still have to work part time at least to survive. Your parents might have had to give up but I do not think they believe they made a mistake. They are living their lives and are most likely happy that you kids are around. Maybe they may seem a little disappointed that their kids might be going off a little astray but all they want is for the kids to start going in a secure direction. They do not regret giving up one dream for another dream.

I do not want my kids to have a hard life, I try to advise them and try to nudge them in a direction I feel would benefit them. I am not that old to see changes in society make it different now, but see many different kinds of people in society, and many different lifestyles existing. Whatever you do is fine, but always do self evaluation and observe the way others live too, find a lifestyle you think is right for you, somewhere between your parents and where you are. Nothing wrong with bouncing around and staying with friends, but sooner or later you will start to want something more stable, you might be able to get a job and share an apartment with a roomate or something. There is an endless number of possibilities.

Try not to get too stressed out and remember, you are never homeless, whereever you hang your hat is your home. someday you will want your hat hanging on the same hook for years.

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 11:31 PM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

How are you currently getting your artwork out into the world? Do you have a youtube channel or a website?

posted on Jun, 20 2019 @ 11:40 PM
a reply to: Woodcarver

Yeah, I have both and other outlets. It's a long and grueling process trying to garner attention as much as possible...

posted on Jun, 21 2019 @ 12:16 AM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

Take inspiration from your current dilemma. Use your disadvantage to your advantage. A true masterpiece comes from experience, and experience will bring suffering, but suffering and pain will inspire thoughts and actions .

Just don't give up. There are all kinds of hustles you can still do while homeless. Do them all and then some, and use those experiences to inspire and build upon your dream.

posted on Jun, 21 2019 @ 03:16 AM
a reply to: XxKonspiracyxX

Just passing by this thread to tell you that you not even know how many times people feel like you but never say a word.

I recently discovered how important is to follow your dreams, never too old, never too late.

posted on Jun, 21 2019 @ 03:17 AM
You seem like a cool guy. 😎
Keep your head up, don’t quit.

We need more people who love what they do.
It’ll pay off someday.

It has to...

I’m sorry for your suffering.

Will check out your work.

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