The Most Disliked Character Traits

Its a tie !

People who are unreliable, and people who are dishonest.

Sal

a reply to: ladyinwaiting

originally posted by: ClovenSky
a reply to: badw0lf

But, my god the freedom, the pure unadulterated freedom that you now have. Would you trade it? Would you go back and do it differently and have those memories removed?

Ahh the "what if" thought... Therein lies the rub.

I was ready to spend the rest of my life with someone, flew across the planet for her. Things just were not in the stars, and so I promised to do better. But she moved on, so much for happily ever after.

And now that time has passed, if I could? Would I? She is living with someone she is building the rest of her life with now, and they have memories. What if we'd met when we were teenagers... so much would have been different. She may not have the two sons she adores so greatly, but would have been spared the pain of being treated as a maid by her ex husband. All that would be lost, for a "what if"...

We exist right now from all the success and mistakes we've made in our journey. Would we change those things, for a "what if"?

What if the person you have loved for your entire life, grown old with, raised children and grandchildren with, embraced all the joys and pain of the life having loved ones close by with, what if someone were to go back in time and just interrupt that one moment you first met, glanced toward each other, and thought "Hey she's gorgeous." and built the courage to speak to her.

Those things would be forever gone. And imagine that you were made aware of this one act by some strange time travelling miscreant. Would you fight tooth and nail to get back, what effectively never was?

What if you saw their future, married to someone else, their family raised, children and grand children, and all those memories... Would you still feel it was your right to take them away for things that were stolen from you?

What if.... when we hold things so dearly that they are all we know and could ever want, to lose them in an instant is something we all fight for.

What if my life had been different, had I just said hello... my children and grand children and all the family built around a mere casual meeting, have been stolen from me. But we can't go back, we can't change history. there are no what if's that so not render us insane by dwelling on them... there is only right now.

would I go back and change things? In an instant. there is nothing in my moments that are important to me. no one in my life that would even notice should I simply disappear. but that is all due to my mistakes. and in my ire at my own failings I destroy things around me. family, friends, everything. this is my lot. my hell on earth. and something I have come to terms with. never get close. my cake mix was left too long on the shelf, and the oven was never warm enough to make it rise. A gnarled deformed tree in the midst of a sea of weeds. watching the flowers bloom from a distance.

so be it. a ghost, meandering the cracks and watching things from the outside. someone has to be a witness to all things, no story of my own but bleakness and misery, that no one would listen to.

till death do I part.

For me never. I will never go back onto the plantation. I feel sorry for those who can't be comfortable by themselves.

It is one thing to be comfortable by yourself. It is another to be destined to be alone. I hear time and time again how people proclaim that being alone is a good thing. But they have vibrant lives, and the options available to them. Try not speaking to anyone for over 10 years. Literally. You lose the ability to converse. beyond a keyboard, at least. I was so manically depressed after a breakdown in 2004, that I left society. Apart from telling the checkout person "No thanks, don't need a receipt." there was no conversation. for a while I was able to regain my footing. But I broke my solemn promise to never give my heart to anyway, and gave it freely to someone. end result, watching someone else finish the story that I was so happy to read. never again.

I feel sorry for the constant talkers who will always need to be surrounded by people and attention. That type of desire to me is hell on earth. I would never trade any of the misery or pain of the past. The education from those experiences is my most cherished possession. For now I am free and content with myself.

For now... when it becomes an eternity, and you find yourself unable to step back in with any confidence, and everything feels foreign yet you so desire just some human interaction, it will be a different story.

I hadn't spoken to my family for over 22 years. And when I did, I was an outcast, all the younger family now had kids of their own, and it was like sitting with strangers who didn't have any interest. I've cut them off for good now. one by one they're dying, and those who are left don't know me. friends I considered family, won't speak. families of their own now. as I sit alone, watching the sun set and the moon rise, one after the other... years pass. cemented in this, there is that satiation. something I do not wish on anyone. we are not meant to be alone, as social animals. thank god for the grape, the wine to make, to please both great and small, yet little fools who drink too much, and big ones not at all...

originally posted by: ladyinwaiting
ps. I would never imagine how you could possibly be anyone's 'leftovers". Besides, some leftovers are best when they've been allowed to sit in their own juices for a while.

Oh if life were a pizza box, I'd be the crust in the corner.



but it is what it is, est quod est.

We are separate paint on the same painting that life paints on this canvas of reality.

Each story unique. some uplifting, some reminders. But all our own.

From pain we learn the meaning of tranquillity. and if we don't, then others learn from our mistakes.

a reply to: badw0lf

Through all of that written poetry of madness and despair I sense longing and attachment. You secretly love this life but try to convince others that you don't. You appear a very studious student of this reality and falsehoods fall away as you prefer truth over comforting lies. It seems like you secretly like hating your existence and are terrified that you may just love every minute of it.

Maybe reality has it out for you and you are pretending to be properly admonished but yet you are eagerly peering around the corner like an insatiable child who can't wait to see what comes next.

For someone who knows and appreciates the excellence of simply watching the sun set or the moon rise, you sure are hard on yourself. Did you see that wonderful moon on Friday? The jade rabbit rose upright in the east and set upside down in the west. I have never noticed that before. It is the simple things that make this life great.

a reply to: badw0lf

Hey you. I've been thinking about what to say to you, after reading your two posts above.

I think many of us have felt like you do on occasion. I know I have a tendency to self-isolate when I have problems, because for some reason or other, I feel like I must work them out on my own. Not sure why, pride, tenacity, I don't know. Or maybe it's sometimes I just like being alone.

But you have isolated yourself for a decade?

Somebody put Baby in a corner, and Baby decided to stay there? And you stay in the back of the pizza box because someone overlooked you?

Got to make some changes.
Repeat after me in your best Patrick Swayze voice "NOBODY puts baby in a corner". lol! Remember that from "Dirty Dancing"?

What bugs me most, I think, is it sounds like you are reliving a lot of old memories, and a lot of old perceived mistakes.
So, maybe stop living in the past? When those old memories and self-chastisement start to haunt you, chase those thoughts away (you can do it) and take that old charm out of the closet and polish it up, it's still there. (Maybe it's getting tired of the darkness).

I once read "memories are like clouds, you can make them be whatever you want".

This woman who has hurt you, are you obsessing on her? What will it take for you to let her go? That relationship wasn't right for you. SHE wasn't right for you. See that. She wasn't "The One".
But do think about stopping the prolonged self-isolation first and foremost. Baby steps if you must. Get out. Chat. Brush up on your social skills.You have them, so don't deny them to yourself.

The family thing is another matter. That's rough. Do you have apology's to make? If you do, have you thought about making them? Yeah. I know it's hard. And awkward. But if you've tried that already and it hasn't worked out so well, you'll have to let them go, ya know? I think of family matters as everyone has their own demons to deal with, and you just have to try to accept them, and love them if you can, even if from a distance.

For a long time I had as my signature line here a quote from Thomas Edison, and I still like it, and swear by it,

"Just when you think you've tried everything, remember this. You haven't".

My best to you and most sincere wishes for your strength and happiness.

a reply to: ClovenSky

I do peer around. I guess that is true.

But for all that I've done and witnessed, I only see one outcome.

You are a good soul. you see beyond words and into the heart. That I can appreciate. And won't be forgotten.

But as much as the child within me wants, I know my lot. It's no longer a cry for help, now a beacon of what to avoid. A light house, in the darkness for others.

Oh how I wish I would have heard such words as yours, long ago.

A broken man, an endless thing. your words mean a lot, with honesty I say that. as I have given to others the same, seen friendships saved, marriages healed.. individuals see things in a different light.

My child within is hiding. and the adult within me is tired.

so damn tired. a jester is all I am now. to be mocked and to juggle parables for those who would ever even listen.

Hand outreached. friend.

a reply to: ladyinwaiting

Oh Lady

It is not one woman. It's every relationship I've tried to have. Hence, in 2004 I quit even trying. Everything, even life. I was sure I'd wandered off this mortal coil, I had set plans. but I didn't. I remained. steadfast in the knowing I'd never let myself ever be lost again... it was finding my ex of 26 years that opened my eyes. But she was not there even for herself. but it had opened my eyes to that need.. that realisation.. and I let another in. fast forward to today, and it's been nothing by the same hell, I watch her with another.

It is more than even that. It is my entire life. a life of meaningless things. the why's and whatfor's are pointless, but suffice to say, I've made every bad choice one can make. it's not rumination. it's knowing. I know I've left my self with no future. and if there is one, it's never one that I wanted. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, to coin a phrase that has never been more apt. everything from here, is climbing that mountain that should have been climbed long ago. But I am ok with it. it destroys be otherwise. to rue my own what if.

no, there is no sorry to my family. It was never about sorry. they are the ones who left us. and as they see themselves falling away, came back hoping to make amends.

I was always the black sheep. in their eyes, and in life. I'm OK with it. though I do pine for a better life on occasion. I made my bed. in which I lay. Pretended I could be with someone, part of a life together. But my truth is, there is only one way I leave this life. alone.

a reply to: badw0lf

Sigh. Have it your way, and it WILL be that way. It's called a "self-fulfilling prophecy".

Such a great guy. I hate to see you do this to yourself.... seems like you have a lot to offer.

*shrugs* I tried.

a reply to: ladyinwaiting

Never asked anyone to try. But they all sigh with disappointment when things don't go their way. That is my life, thank you for adding to it.

Oh man! I didn't realize I was dealing with such a determined expert at running people away!

(I think you know I meant well.)

I do find you likable and I wish you all my best. Take care of yourself badwolf.

a reply to: badw0lf

What is it you "want" that would theoretically fulfill you at least partially?

a reply to: badw0lf

Dang dude, you have sucked even more marrow from the bone than I suspected. At least no one can say that you have hid from this reality and refused what was offered. You accepted all that was offered, laughed and asked for more while giving the bird.

I live to be as brave and ruthless but alas I am a coward of the harsh, preferring the comfortable. I think I will live though you for a bit if you don't mind. Before the gods of a life well lived, exploring all nooks and crannies, you shall be well represented.

Bad character traits are so conditional. After all, in every culture, country and not to mention the personality of each of us are entirely different concepts.

a reply to: slider1982

People who make their background color and profile text the same or blurry or hard to read

or just annoying

deserve a kick in the ass

originally posted by: Oorend
Bad character traits are so conditional. After all, in every culture, country and not to mention the personality of each of us are entirely different concepts.

I caught ya # head.

buh-bye now.