originally posted by: ClovenSky
a reply to: badw0lf
But, my god the freedom, the pure unadulterated freedom that you now have. Would you trade it? Would you go back and do it differently and have those
Ahh the "what if" thought... Therein lies the rub.
I was ready to spend the rest of my life with someone, flew across the planet for her. Things just were not in the stars, and so I promised to do
better. But she moved on, so much for happily ever after.
And now that time has passed, if I could? Would I? She is living with someone she is building the rest of her life with now, and they have memories.
What if we'd met when we were teenagers... so much would have been different. She may not have the two sons she adores so greatly, but would have been
spared the pain of being treated as a maid by her ex husband. All that would be lost, for a "what if"...
We exist right now from all the success and mistakes we've made in our journey. Would we change those things, for a "what if"?
What if the person you have loved for your entire life, grown old with, raised children and grandchildren with, embraced all the joys and pain of the
life having loved ones close by with, what if someone were to go back in time and just interrupt that one moment you first met, glanced toward each
other, and thought "Hey she's gorgeous." and built the courage to speak to her.
Those things would be forever gone. And imagine that you were made aware of this one act by some strange time travelling miscreant. Would you fight
tooth and nail to get back, what effectively never was?
What if you saw their future, married to someone else, their family raised, children and grand children, and all those memories... Would you still
feel it was your right to take them away for things that were stolen from you?
What if.... when we hold things so dearly that they are all we know and could ever want, to lose them in an instant is something we all fight for.
What if my life had been different, had I just said hello... my children and grand children and all the family built around a mere casual meeting,
have been stolen from me. But we can't go back, we can't change history. there are no what if's that so not render us insane by dwelling on them...
there is only right now.
would I go back and change things? In an instant. there is nothing in my moments that are important to me. no one in my life that would even notice
should I simply disappear. but that is all due to my mistakes. and in my ire at my own failings I destroy things around me. family, friends,
everything. this is my lot. my hell on earth. and something I have come to terms with. never get close. my cake mix was left too long on the shelf,
and the oven was never warm enough to make it rise. A gnarled deformed tree in the midst of a sea of weeds. watching the flowers bloom from a
so be it. a ghost, meandering the cracks and watching things from the outside. someone has to be a witness to all things, no story of my own but
bleakness and misery, that no one would listen to.
till death do I part.
For me never. I will never go back onto the plantation. I feel sorry for those who can't be comfortable by themselves.
It is one thing to be comfortable by yourself. It is another to be destined to be alone. I hear time and time again how people proclaim that being
alone is a good thing. But they have vibrant lives, and the options available to them. Try not speaking to anyone for over 10 years. Literally. You
lose the ability to converse. beyond a keyboard, at least. I was so manically depressed after a breakdown in 2004, that I left society. Apart from
telling the checkout person "No thanks, don't need a receipt." there was no conversation. for a while I was able to regain my footing. But I broke my
solemn promise to never give my heart to anyway, and gave it freely to someone. end result, watching someone else finish the story that I was so happy
to read. never again.
I feel sorry for the constant talkers who will always need to be surrounded by people and attention. That type of desire to me is hell on
earth. I would never trade any of the misery or pain of the past. The education from those experiences is my most cherished possession. For now I am
free and content with myself.
For now... when it becomes an eternity, and you find yourself unable to step back in with any confidence, and everything feels foreign yet you so
desire just some human interaction, it will be a different story.
I hadn't spoken to my family for over 22 years. And when I did, I was an outcast, all the younger family now had kids of their own, and it was like
sitting with strangers who didn't have any interest. I've cut them off for good now. one by one they're dying, and those who are left don't know me.
friends I considered family, won't speak. families of their own now. as I sit alone, watching the sun set and the moon rise, one after the other...
years pass. cemented in this, there is that satiation. something I do not wish on anyone. we are not meant to be alone, as social animals. thank god
for the grape, the wine to make, to please both great and small, yet little fools who drink too much, and big ones not at all...