Online Dating – Is it Worth it?

How do you define online dating is my main question. Is it something which is official, so when you talk to that person who you are dating you both are in 100% agreement that you are dating? Or is there ambiguitiy to it, so when you are talking in a chatroom or in a game lobby there is flirting but never an official statement by either person that there is a dating relationship occuring. Also, if you are online dating can there be multiple people you are online dating due to the anonymous environment the internet presents? So for instance, take Above Top Secret forums. I found out about this forum years ago and did numerous posts, but I was much younger then and my posted content was much less than how I present myself these days. One day I tried logging into my account and I was unable to login. Perhaps I just forgot my own password, but nonetheless I was locked out. Back to the topic now, is it possible to date someone over these forums?? I consider this to be a very good question because it would seem to set what are implications are for what exactly online dating is, and most importantly because this is a community. For that fact, I answer 'yes' to online dating occurring on these forums even if there is no ability to communicate in private. That's going to be a big obsticle in what defines how online dating occurrs because with regular-life dating, there is going to by privacy to have conversations to set regulations on their relationship and also privacy for intamacy. So if you take it completely on the forums, without the use of instant messaging or private messaging, you have to use all the possibilities available to you for communication. This means making yourself OPEN, first of all, to all possibilities which you don't deny. If you choose to post a picture of yourself, immediately you are starting to deny possibilities, such as, "I am too ugly for you" or "I am too good looking for you." However, if you are choosing to pursue a real-life relationship, then posting a picture isn't at all denying possibilities but enhancing them because there is a very real chance you may meet face to face with somebody in the communitiy. Personally, with online dating, I like to judge people by their words and not by their picture for many reasons. I once had a very uplifting relationship with a woman on the internet but after seeing her picture I immediately stopped talking to her which wasn't fair at all to her. For that reason I choose not share pictures with people since I know how it effected my brain signals.

With online dating there is a hint of fantasy involved. So, lets say for instance, I am watching something like the Daily Show with John Stewart and I completely fall in love with laughter, appearance, and presentation and it keeps wanting me to watch every episode, this defines an 'online' relationship for myself. A psychologist should jump into study this relationship because if I am assuming that he is sharing the same relationship with me, it suggests that I have a mental problem for my age. My point though is that there is a presentation that occurs regularly and I am in a relationship with it. What makes this relationship special is that I can commune with it, so it is a sense like dating. So then, if my presentations here on Above Top Secret appeal to you in a special way, you can likewise commune with me by pushing my metaphorical buttons or inserting a Chucky Cheese coin in my dollor hole and see what my feedback is. So there is a difference between what I present here and a television presentation, namely, no appearances but an ability for any kind of feedback to occur.

What surprises me is that I have been frequenting sites for a very long time, and conspiracy theorists "say" that they are looking for something similar, like them, in the know, but in fact are terrified if they do. Being afraid or not trying is worse than anything else, I have seen it for myself.

a reply to: NoRegretsEver

Actually, what surprises me most is that you can find people who are like-minded, but you have to troll the sites until you see that a member has uploaded a Guy Fawkes mask or some meme that rings of "conspiracy". When you do find that person, then you have to take into consideration their personal photos... and let's be honest, YIKES!!

I think the real issue is that you either find someone who aesthetically appeals to you, but is too shy/reserved/intimidated to post their real opinions on the state of things, or simply has no interest and walks blindly amongst the heard. While I'm sure it works for some, I personally have not had a lot of success beyond a couple dates where I bit my own tongue when politics, religion or social issues were brought up.

As a side note, did you know that we have always used cutting edge technology to fill and/or heal our vapid hearts?! It's true, take a look!



With all the technology we currently possess, there has to be an easier way... just sayin'!

I rolled the dice for about 2 years and had a few close calls. But in the end I learned it's mostly a waste of time and effort. I prefer now to walk up to a girl and get rejected than send a girl a message and get no response.

For Further Reading, I created a thread like this a few years ago when I started with online dating: Old Thread on Online Dating

I met my wife online. Enough said

I must be a masochist because I keep on using online dating and just experiencing rejection after rejection. Four years I've been using it on and off. In that time I've grown close to perhaps 20 girls, but every single one of them has stood me up when it finally came to meeting.

The last girl I was talking to, we exchanged perhaps 50 emails, 200+ texts, spoke on the phone for hours on several occasions. We had loads in common and got on really well. She invited me to go for a drink with her after work and I agreed. Earlier in the day that we were supposed to meet I got a text message from her asking for a picture so she would know how to spot me. We'd exchanged lots of pictures up to that point already, but it made sense that she wanted to know what I would be wearing so I was easy to spot. I got myself cleaned up, had a shave, picked out what I would be wearing and sent her a pic. I got a message back a few minuets later commenting on how I looked different after shaving (I usually have a few days growth). The tone of the message was a bit different from normal. Usually she said how good I looked. I asked if she was disappointed? She said no, but that she liked guys with stubble. 10 minuets after that I got another message saying that she wasn't in the right head space to be meeting and she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I asked why? She said it was because she just found out she was pregnant with her abusive crack-head ex's baby. It was a lie and a very transparent one given conversations we'd had in the past. Fact was, she didn't want to meet because I'd had a shave and that ruined her perceived image of me, but rather than admit to being shallow, she invented some story to make her self out to be some tragic victim.

This is pretty much how every girl I've met online has acted.

Polish up your skills on the punching bag, the pool table, throwing darts, and karaoke.
Hit the bars and make some conversation.
Nature will do the rest.

Me and Nonspecific met on an internet dating site.

I went on to sow some wild oats and get some more notches on my bed post. He joined and he was living with a friend who wanting to get back into the dating scene and for moral support nonspecific joined to.

Nonspecific found me and apparently saw my picture and said 'that's her, that is the woman I am going to marry'.

We spoke for 2 weeks exchanging emails on the site in that time I went on couple of dates with a few men. I didn't want to find another long term relationship, but nonspecific put a spanner in that plan..

We have been together for over 4 years now.

I would say don't use it as your only approach. Join groups, night classes, and use online dating.
You never know.

I wasn't expecting what I found.

a reply to: MrsNonSpecific

I think that highlights the big difference between men and women using online dating. You say that you were on it for a couple of weeks and went on a few date. I consider myself lucky to get a single page view in that time. You've got to be something really special to thrive as a guy on dating sites. I've made a couple of fake profiles in my time in the guise of a woman. One was just a picture of a plastic army man and I listed my gender as female. It got messages! Not many, but a few a week. I made a profile with a picture of my twin sister and wrote word for word what was in my real profile - that got around 20 messages a day. I know people IRL who have had success with online dating, but they've all been women. If you have 100 of messages showing interest, you have the luxury of picking the cream of the crop. As a guy, it's about settling for which rare case considers you worthy, so expect to be dating-down always.

a reply to: Zehmzaziel

I agree with you that it is harder for a man to gain interest from women. Isn't it traditional for a man to ask a woman and we have first refusal?

I am not the best person to ask as my dating experiences have been few.
I guess you have highlighted to me though I don't know if I would have got the same response had nonspecific not been on the same site.

I would choose the social activities as a more organic way of meeting people.

Most men who messaged me i deleted. 1 bloke listed 'sex' as an interest.
...delete!!

a reply to: MrsNonSpecific

It's sad that traditional roles only really apply in regards to men, but that's getting into another subject that's probably better left alone.

You're right about social activities being the best way to meet people though. It's a case of finding a venue where there's not so much competition. As I said, online dating is a case of bucket loads of men been put in front of women where only the guys who rise to the top are considered eligible. There's potentially nothing wrong with the mid-tier guys, other than they fall short compared to the god-tier. In an ideal world men would be getting together with women of equal caliber, but for some reason it doesn't seem to work that way. Perhaps the most desirable guys realize what a good racket they've got going and are playing it for all its worth. The mid-tier girls get used, become bitter, but expect that the next too-good-to-be-true guy that comes along won't play out the same way as the last. I think there's evidence to support this. If you look into peoples experiences with online dating, you find that women have mixed results, but for guys it's much more black and white. Either they are boasting about how they're nobbing there way through the population at a rate that would put Russel Brand to shame, or they're complaining that they have zero success.

a reply to: Zehmzaziel

I agree with you. Maybe online dating is best served by shallow men and women of which there are far too many. I despair of the younger women that are coming up behind me.

I was admittedly a tad shallow before meeting nonspecific and maybe would have carried along that path.
I think you have to be realisitc about your level.

it is a tricky minefield... I have no idea what I would do now if i ended up single other than sleep like a starfish and talk to myself/ dogs more often.

originally posted by: Zehmzaziel
I must be a masochist because I keep on using online dating and just experiencing rejection after rejection. Four years I've been using it on and off. In that time I've grown close to perhaps 20 girls, but every single one of them has stood me up when it finally came to meeting.

The last girl I was talking to, we exchanged perhaps 50 emails, 200+ texts, spoke on the phone for hours on several occasions. We had loads in common and got on really well. She invited me to go for a drink with her after work and I agreed. Earlier in the day that we were supposed to meet I got a text message from her asking for a picture so she would know how to spot me. We'd exchanged lots of pictures up to that point already, but it made sense that she wanted to know what I would be wearing so I was easy to spot. I got myself cleaned up, had a shave, picked out what I would be wearing and sent her a pic. I got a message back a few minuets later commenting on how I looked different after shaving (I usually have a few days growth). The tone of the message was a bit different from normal. Usually she said how good I looked. I asked if she was disappointed? She said no, but that she liked guys with stubble. 10 minuets after that I got another message saying that she wasn't in the right head space to be meeting and she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I asked why? She said it was because she just found out she was pregnant with her abusive crack-head ex's baby. It was a lie and a very transparent one given conversations we'd had in the past. Fact was, she didn't want to meet because I'd had a shave and that ruined her perceived image of me, but rather than admit to being shallow, she invented some story to make her self out to be some tragic victim.

This is pretty much how every girl I've met online has acted.

That stinks and I am sorry to to see that you are having so much trouble. I have a few suggestions for you.
1.) In your profile post a few different pictures of how you normally look, unshaven, trimmed, etc...
2.) 50 emails, 200+ texts and hour long phone conversations before meeting is way too much. If you start liking the person on paper and it doesn't work, you just wasted a lot of time. You have a profile, you have pictures, if they like what they see they will want to meet in person sooner than later. Don't let them drag it on. Keep it to maybe a couple emails and a couple texts and that's mostly to setup the date.
3.) During the date, be right up front and honest with what you are looking for. Don't beat around the bush, don't drag things out, don't settle, get right to the point of the topics in the conversation. Don't force yourself to like them.
4.) If anything goes wrong during date, use a grading scale to gauge how much you don't like it, i.e. red flags. If you aren't feeling it, drop it, move on to next date.

You will know it when you find it, but sometimes you have to wade through a lot of BS to get there. Definitely don't put so much effort into it when you haven't even met yet, even then be very cautious before diving in.

I have never tried online dating, though I strongly believe it doesn't work. People these days are so mysterious! There are so many articles and stories and even TV shows about people using fake identities, killing individuals, and what not. People post pictures daily of themselves when really, it's not even them. It's who they wish they could be. People can live a fake life through internet dating and as a result, feelings and emotions can be destroyed. A prime example is the TV show Catfish...no explanation needed, go watch it. If you take part in online dating, just be careful. People aren't who they say they are, people are sketchy, and many lives have been ended due to strangers meeting in person after meeting online.

Stay safe, folks!

I spent about a year and a half on several dating/meet up websites. Keep in mind, if you're average in every way you can imagine (looks, personality, success, intelligence, etc.) you might get nothing but negative results. Most things in life are what you make of them and you get what you put in.

Pros

- Good for gaining sexual experience.
- Helped me understand women better and become more considerate of their feelings.
- Helped me become more confident and comfortable in dating situations.
- Gave me plenty of wonderful, romantic and sexual memories.
- Created a few good friendships from it.
- Helps you figure how what works and what doesn't.
- It's exciting and fun to meet new people and explore the diversity of people.

Cons

- The majority of conversation do not lead to anything.
- A lot of people are just flaky and ditch on plans.
- It's probably not great for finding a real and healthy relationship.

So, that's what I got out of it. I ended up with someone I've loved and cared about for years long before signing up for any of those types of sites, so I have no need for them now. As for online dating with no physical contact and merely online chatting; I consider that a waste of time. It's not real. You won't grow from it. It gives you no real experience. It's generally a way for socially inept people to deny themselves of life.

I probably already responded to this, but I know several couples that all got married, and met through online dating. Simply put, why not use the tools available to widen the dating pool?