Online Dating and Texting

reply to post by Rainbowresidue


I will. It should go okay because I was myself. She is an Aquarius and I am a Virgo - but I have had an Aquarius best friend before. So I dunno. I'll be back on this forum after.

shockedonlooker
reply to post by darkbake

 

Well, I last dated 27 years ago, but how about friendly skypes? Or is actually seeing the person considered too much too soon these days? I really don't even know, not being sarcastic, the way things have changed!

They have changed ShockedOnlooker! But I told her I wanted to meet up because I didn't like texting, and that got her to meet with me tomorrow and also made the texting less stressful for me because I already knew we were going to chill.

Also - I like your advice about the Skype meeting or meeting up with someone in person. I would recommend doing something like that, especially if that is what you are inclined to want - although a lot of girls are wary that Skype can lead to whatever it is, V-sex or whatever.

My counselor used to do online dating and he told me that one day, he just decided that he was going to ask girls to hang out with him and do something he wanted to do anyway, and it really helped him.

I think with texting, the important thing is still to text someone you want to talk to with things you want to talk about, whatever they may be.

Taking dating seriously is a huge step for me, as well.

I'm used to only having friends because I've had P.T.S.D. in the past and am scared of opening up - in addition to that, I had my heart broken years back and that kind of got me interested in gaming, friendships, music, college, being single, etc. for a while. I loved being single -

One thing that I have noticed is that if you have ever had a best guy friend as a guy, that is basically experience that can be used towards dating - what have you done with him? How have you related to him?

Having a girl over I'm actually interested in makes me nervous. Hmm. Take all of this advice with a grain of salt. Tomorrow the Hammer of Judgement falls.

reply to post by darkbake


Ah, you are a Virgo. I'm a Capricorn. That's why it's so easy for me to talk to you. lol
I get along with Virgos very well. My mom was a Virgo and a lot of my friends are.

Ok, thanks for keeping us posted.

darkbake

shockedonlooker
reply to post by darkbake

 

Well, I last dated 27 years ago, but how about friendly skypes? Or is actually seeing the person considered too much too soon these days? I really don't even know, not being sarcastic, the way things have changed!

They have changed ShockedOnlooker! But I told her I wanted to meet up because I didn't like texting, and that got her to meet with me tomorrow and also made the texting less stressful for me because I already knew we were going to chill.

Also - I like your advice about the Skype meeting or meeting up with someone in person. I would recommend doing something like that, especially if that is what you are inclined to want - although a lot of girls are wary that Skype can lead to whatever it is, V-sex or whatever.

My counselor used to do online dating and he told me that one day, he just decided that he was going to ask girls to hang out with him and do something he wanted to do anyway, and it really helped him.

I think with texting, the important thing is still to text someone you want to talk to with things you want to talk about, whatever they may be.

Taking dating seriously is a huge step for me, as well.

I'm used to only having friends because I've had P.T.S.D. in the past and am scared of opening up - in addition to that, I had my heart broken years back and that kind of got me interested in gaming, friendships, music, college, being single, etc. for a while. I loved being single -

One thing that I have noticed is that if you have ever had a best guy friend as a guy, that is basically experience that can be used towards dating - what have you done with him? How have you related to him?

Having a girl over I'm actually interested in makes me nervous. Hmm. Take all of this advice with a grain of salt. Tomorrow the Hammer of Judgement falls.

edit on 29amSun, 29 Dec 2013 01:48:06 -0600kbamkAmerica/Chicago by darkbake because: (no reason given)

I completely forgot about how some people think video chat should go...ha!

I loved being single as well, especially after a bad experience. I was specifically intending NOT to date anyone...but then I made an awesome male best friend, my having no intention of it being anything other than a friendship. I married him.

I can see how ptsd would cause you to have a hard time opening up and wanting to be cautious, BUT you sound like a very nice person and someone who is taking the time to see things from the perspective of the female and girls will appreciate that. Your counselor has a great frame of mind about it. The friendship is of utmost importance before even getting to romance. If she's still hanging around after that, then go for it! You'll do just fine being yourself. Lot's of good advice from other posters, good luck to you and let us know how it goes!

I met my wife through online dating. Well, it was through a forum message really and not an online dating site, but the process is the same I guess.

We all have a 'list' of deal-breakers which we wont compromise on. I think it is a good idea to make this 'list' in real life and place some kind of importance to them. If this seems too anal and geeky, then realise that we all have this 'list' inside our head whether we acknowledge it or not. Someone mentioned a few earlier like bad breath, but that kind of thing can put you off someone but can probably be fixed if the rest of the package is OK.

In a way, it is probably better not to meet immediately because so much depends on looks and taking it back to best friends rather than opposite gender relationships, then you probably dont care as much about how good looking your best mate is. He or she is just your best mate. Thats the point which has also been raised, you need to be friends first and lovers second, because at some point in the future sex will stop and all you will have is friendship left.

All that said, whether we are dating online or in real life, we will always be mentally ticking off the items on our list of 'essential', 'nice-to-have', 'no-no', and these taken along with the overall package is what motivates us to go further or continue the relationship.

For me, dating in the real world, I could usually tell if things were worth it after about 3 months of going out with someone, and 3 months was a kind of time frame which kept happening time after time until I met someone who 'just felt right' from the start and that lasted 19 years.

Bear in mind that, as far as I can tell, relationships are a learning process for both, and when the learning has finished and both cannot learn any more from each other, then the cracks start to appear. When it is time to move on, it is time to move on without fuss - for the good of both(all) parties. There is always someone else waiting in the wings for our attentions but the timing is not always as fast as we would like..

reply to post by Rainbowresidue


That is cool You are right, Rainbow! I find Capricorns to be very rare in my life.

My date was an Aquarius and she was a no-show.

reply to post by Rainbowresidue


Oh wait... now we are texting and she has decided that I would be a good gay friend for her.

reply to post by shockedonlooker


Wow you are an aquarian lady? Interesting!

So is my "date"... and yeah, I'm somewhat of a feminine guy. We just texted a lot and she figured that out and mentioned that she's been looking for a gay guy best friend. I wonder if this sounds similar to your story or what!

Man that Duck Dynasty guy would probably dislike this whole scenerio!

reply to post by darkbake


Daily Horoscope:

Daily Horoscope: December 30, 2013
You've recently been gifted with a certain skill in the conversational arts, and you've probably realized that by now. Great. Now get busy using it before the expiration date arrives.

Ah! I knew it was too good to be true. I hath only been blessed with texting prowess for the time being.

qmantoo
We all have a 'list' of deal-breakers which we wont compromise on. I think it is a good idea to make this 'list' in real life and place some kind of importance to them. If this seems too anal and geeky, then realise that we all have this 'list' inside our head whether we acknowledge it or not. Someone mentioned a few earlier like bad breath, but that kind of thing can put you off someone but can probably be fixed if the rest of the package is OK.

All that said, whether we are dating online or in real life, we will always be mentally ticking off the items on our list of 'essential', 'nice-to-have', 'no-no', and these taken along with the overall package is what motivates us to go further or continue the relationship.

For me, dating in the real world, I could usually tell if things were worth it after about 3 months of going out with someone, and 3 months was a kind of time frame which kept happening time after time until I met someone who 'just felt right' from the start and that lasted 19 years.

I think that it is a really good idea to bring the lists out into the open. The Mormons do this from what I hear - it is called something like defining the relationship.

A man who was training me in running a business said that when you make a business contract with someone, be sure to have everyone put all of their cards on the table - including both their good and bad motivations! He says that it is best for everyone to know about them from the get-go and work them into the contract!

Three months? That's good advice, as well. Although I have only had one relationship that lasted 6 months. That 3 months number rings a bell...

CNN: Dating? Be aware of the 3 month rule.

That's right... see, I had a very thorough psychology program at my college and we went over stuff about relationships. And the 3 month mark is when you get to know someone for who they are and the delusions about them fall off.

-----

My new dating strategy is as follows: I text girls, girls tell me I'm gay and they want to be friends, so I buy Scrabble and have a lot of girls over for Scrabble night. And then continue from there. I figure if girls think I'm gay, well that's cool with me, I'm not that threatening and anyways -

I learned from one of my female friends that she really wanted to be treated like I treat my guy friends. So my dating style is completely being transformed. I don't even know if it is dating anymore, but it's what I'm looking for -

But yeah, it turns out those texting guidelines I posted in the O.P. are useful. They actually kept me from pissing off the girls I'm chatting with (which is more of a plus to me than "InCr3asE Ur Txt Gam3"

reply to post by darkbake


Ouch! Sorry, she was a no show. I wish you better luck next time.
It's nice though that she was honest with you and didn't come up with a lame excuse.

Alright first you need to drop the feminist crap and the things mommy told you. Second you have to learn to be yourself. And finally you have to learn to play the attraction game. People are most interested in those that are not all that interested in them. The first most important rule to know. The second most important rule with women is always pay attention to what she is doing and ignore what she is saying. There is no such thing as mixed signals her actions will always reveal where you really stand.

Beyond that you are golden. Now I will talk about how I feel about texting. Texting is great for short periods of time and should consist of just basic filler talk really. Texting is a tool that should not be used frequently in the attracting phase, save those for IMing (*which is a similar but very different tool) or actual in person conversations. Most "nice" guys do not understand the whole waiting to call, text or whatever part of the game. And most women complain about it, but the fact is it is an essential part of the attraction game and you do not have to be an ass about it to do it effectively.

If you want success you just have to knuckle under and do it. If it helps don't look at it as blowing her off, look at it like you are giving her an opportunity to miss you. I'll end by saying this, in most cases the published pick up advice available to men is mostly right on. That being said for you "nice" guys that feel uncomfortable using it, there is plenty of room in there for you to adapt that advice to suit you and your style and still be the great guy.

KeliOnyx
Alright first you need to drop the feminist crap and the things mommy told you. Second you have to learn to be yourself. And finally you have to learn to play the attraction game. People are most interested in those that are not all that interested in them. The first most important rule to know. The second most important rule with women is always pay attention to what she is doing and ignore what she is saying. There is no such thing as mixed signals her actions will always reveal where you really stand.

I love hearing advice from women that sounds like this but I hate when it's called a game.

I agree with your thoughts, to an extent. Why should we have to ignore what a woman says? Men aren't complicated...we are simple. Mind-numbingly simple. We can't ignore what women say because it's wired into us. Most of the time we ignore what you do or how you act and need a woman to tell us straight-forward...how it's gonna be. Literally. Or maybe I'm just old fashioned.

Sometimes we don't get the hints, ya know?

All I can say is to enjoy life and everything it involves. Dating, texting, talking...it's all part of the romaticism attached with love. Some women love texting their entire relationships. I despise when a woman does this and must have a personal connection. Phone calls work but being with someone in person is the best. Real feelings, the fear, the excitement of something new, the facial expressions. Those matter the most. Seems that these days, everyone gives that up for texts because they are living through their cellphones. Terrible.

I view texting like the internet and all its forum opinions. Texts are hiding true emotion and meaning. Most of the time they don't even convey any emotion or are highly misunderstood. A person can't see the smile on someones face or the contempt in their eyes. To actually watch a woman smile from the minute you meet until the minute you part, can't be read through a text. They can't read sarcasm or view painful expressions caused from saying the wrong things, either.

Which is why it should be left to small conversations. Period.
Good luck and don't give up!

havok

I love hearing advice from women that sounds like this but I hate when it's called a game.

Bottom line attraction and mating is just that, a game. It is a ritual dance that has been done for millions of years. For men it is about convincing the woman that she selected him. And for women it is about convincing the man she tamed him. At least initially it is to be treated as a game. After a few dates and exclusivity kicks in that changes but until then don't invest heavily early on. The problem most of the "nice" guys have is they go straight into boyfriend mode after the first date. Yes we want to know you think of us and liked us but when you make it clear so early on that the sun rises and sets on us, it sets off the he is unstable and needy alarms.

I agree with your thoughts, to an extent. Why should we have to ignore what a woman says? Men aren't complicated...we are simple. Mind-numbingly simple. We can't ignore what women say because it's wired into us. Most of the time we ignore what you do or how you act and need a woman to tell us straight-forward...how it's gonna be. Literally. Or maybe I'm just old fashioned.

I have three brothers and none of them really understood this either. Because it isn't as simple as just telling you where to go and what to do with yourself. The motivations for not telling it like it is can vary but the most frequent is not wanting to hurt feelings. Men especially "nice" guys tend to take rejection personally when most times it is anything but. And you only need ignore what is said when it doesn't line up with how she acts. If she is telling you, you are awesome and doing all the things that support that then you are good. If she is telling you how great you are and neglecting you, you will see it as mixed signals. Since there is no such thing as mixed signals you look at what she is doing and then move on.

We used to do these things called dates.

We actually had to get off our a$$ to meet girls.

I wish you the best and will make one suggestion.

Quit looking....Work on yourself.....get a lot of stuff.

You will be married by this time next year.

Good Luck.

whyamIhere
We used to do these things called dates.

We actually had to get off our a$$ to meet girls.

I wish you the best and will make one suggestion.

Quit looking....Work on yourself.....get a lot of stuff.

You will be married by this time next year.

Good Luck.

What he said.

Maybe I'm too old-fashioned too but I never considered dating a game. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but meeting my husband wasn't a game I played, I was breathless/speechless when I saw him for the first time.
When it's right, you will know it.

Rainbowresidue

whyamIhere
We used to do these things called dates.

We actually had to get off our a$$ to meet girls.

I wish you the best and will make one suggestion.

Quit looking....Work on yourself.....get a lot of stuff.

You will be married by this time next year.

Good Luck.

What he said.

Maybe I'm too old-fashioned too but I never considered dating a game. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but meeting my husband wasn't a game I played, I was breathless/speechless when I saw him for the first time.
When it's right, you will know it.

edit on 30/12/2013 by Rainbowresidue because: spelling

Thanks, Rainbow. I like both of your advice.

WhyAmIHere - you got married correct, how did that work out, if I might ask?

I do my best when I am not concerned about finding a girlfriend.

Keli, maybe we are looking for different things - although I'm sure you know what you are talking about, you described that aspect very clearly.

darkbake


I do my best when I am not concerned about finding a girlfriend.

This is the essence of what I am telling you. You already do it subconsciously, and everyone in a relationship has done it either consciously or subconsciously. The idea behind most dating how-to's is about showing you how to get the same result in a less random fashion. Understand the mechanics of attraction and you will do just fine. Ultimately it is all about perception if the object of your affection perceives initial disinterest, they will then naturally open up more to attract your interest. When you are relaxed, being yourself and not caught up in if she likes you or not you are just simply at your most attractive in the initial stages of courting.

reply to post by darkbake


OP....

I did exactly what I suggested to you 23 years ago.

I just had my 22 year anniversary. My one and only marriage.

You are a smart guy. You will be fine. I was 31 when I met my wife.

Your future is bright.

i think ...

someone has a secret admirer on here...?

anyways...don't go look for it, but stay sociable. It'll find you when you least expect it. Be a gentleman, it never fails, only to the girls, never to the women.