Respected members of ATS, I need your advice.

I have been increasingly dissatisfied with life of late and things just seem to be getting harder and I am beginning to have serious worries about the future for myself and my kids. I need to know what to do and all opinions will be appreciated.

For a good few years, my husband and I have been financially stable as he inherited some money when his father passed away 8 years ago. We travelled alot, even when we had young children and were fortunate to see a bit of the world, especially the USA. Much of these years were spent looking for businesses to invest in and I always played an active part in researching the business, doing business plans etc because his English writing skills were not too strong. However, being a mum of a 4 and a 2 year old at the time, there was one deal I felt too exasperated to get involved in so I let him go it alone on one deal and to cut a long story short, my husband got into a deal that was basically an elaborate con.
A con that left them able to sue him and take all of his inheritance.

So we decided to come and live in his home country and have been here now for 3 years. We had another baby and I was a stay at home mum which I love and having been a Nurse for 15 years I enjoyed being able to bring my kids up properly. Looking back my husband never really worked and earned a secure income, it was me who had the high paying job with a brand new car etc provided. I figured it was time to let him earn and support his family.

So we lived on the rest of the inheritance while he struggled to get a job, despite having lots of connections and his family here. We had another baby as the future seemed promising (big families are the done thing here!) ; he took a job as a Trainee Lawyer paying an extremely low income but should have only been for a year while he passed his exams. Unfortunately he failed them twice.
He is still working for the law firm for next to nothing while forever trying to do business deals that just never seem to materialise.

Basically the money ran out.....I sold my car and got an older one for cash to tide us over. We are in a rented house with 3 children. I also just sold the older car to provide a bit more money to tide us over and although my youngest is only 2, I took a nursing job to try to earn. The problem is nursing is not highly regarded here (despite that i am v experienced) and I get very very low pay. I actually earned more as a 14 year old in UK!

I have done everything I can to help, I try to budget well etc but my husband never seems to come up with the goods! He has earned so little ever in the time I have been married (apart from Inheritance) which is 10 years.

Now I have no car, I walk my kids to school every day, very little money and I just dont know how I can sustain the life we even have now! We pay for the kids school here, we pay rent....I just want to keep the kids roof over their head and in a good quality school. But he just doesn't seem capable of providing for us as a family! The last resort is to move in with his elderly mother who is a very difficult woman - my kids are terrified of her and I just cant see us doing that - even though he admits that is likely to happen.

Before I met him I had my own house and car and job and supported myself always. I just dont feel I can rely on him and being here in the Middle East I find it hard to earn good money plus have 3 kids!

The idea of just going back to the UK for a while just keeps coming into my mind, at least to give him time to sort himself out and get some money behind him so he can support his family. I can earn in one night shift what I can earn in one month here! I cant allow my standard of living to drop any further....we can eat but sometimes only just and I cant see how my kids can stay at school and we can keep our home.

The problem is...I love my husband and he loves his family but I feel exasperated by his inability to be a bread winner! I dont nag at him or pressurise him ( maybe every now and then i try to pressure him a bit) and its very much a 'mans world' here so I cant do what I could financially if I were in the UK. I dont want to leave him and I do enjoy living here but I feel afraid for our future.

What should I do ATS? What would you do? I love my husband but I need him to pull his finger out! I jokingly say that we will soon be begging for money on the street but deep down I am really worried.

Is the UK the answer or does that make me selfish and a quitter? I dont want to be either

ETA: The UK is the country I was born and bred in and lived til aged 37! The reason for considering going back there - I have family friends etc all there.

wow i am sorry for you'r plight he is very lucky to have a good woman like you by his side through thick and thin .

selling the car and talk of moving in with his mother sent alarm bells ringing with me time to put both feet down very very hard with him you wear the pants in that house lady .

move back to the u.k nurses are very much in demand as you know and build up a cash reserve for the future he can be a house hubby for a while .

and the middle east is not exactly the safest place in the world so it will be a win win for you i hope that the future goes ok for you and your family .

and del boy can always do a open university course on buisness

reply to post by Lovely1973


You've had 3 kids with the guy, been the bread winner, become a house wife, moved country & sold everything to keep your family stable. I would call that devoted, not selfish and definitely no traits of a quitter.

Hard to give real advice, because I don't know you personally & one can only get a small glance of your life/relationship through a post online.

I'd just say you know whats right, this is why you're here. If you have talked, gave him time, cried, argued and everything else that happens when everything seems to be collapsing around you, yet nothing is changing and the person seems complacent with the situation & not willing to change - What do you do? Do you keep the #ed up routine that is making you miserable and effecting your kids life which you have gave everything up for them to have the best? Or do you change it?

There's only a certain amount of # a person can take.

I'v changed allot for my girlfriend and I appreciate the passion she had for helping me change. She didn't have to do one third of the things you have done to make me understand I needed to change.

You are worried about money and home is a comforting thought, I understand. Certainly poverty is no fun. I do think that you have been happy and seem to have a strong marriage.

My advice, which is worth absolutely nothing, lol, is that you hang in there with your husband. Otherwise in the long run, you will have things yes, but things are not what count really. Love is what matters and you have that. For better or for worse, you gave your word. Is there someone you can talk to? Your mother-in-law perhaps? I doubt his family will let the children starve. Have some faith.

reply to post by Lovely1973


This may come out as a tad harsh if so I apologise in advance.

It's a no brainer

Move back to the UK, if possible just you and the kids, you know our benefits system, and the free schooling. We are screaming out for nurses so a job is all but guaranteed.

My question is this..................and this is where it gets harsh

What is more important to you ? Staying with a guy that clearly lives in cloud cuckoo land dreaming about making millions, throwing money into a con he clearly didn't understand, without seeking advice, whilst being unable to provide for his wife and kids in a male orientated country.

Or move home to a secure future for your kids and let him decide what is more important as well ?

Just my thoughts and my best wishes for you and your kids

Cody

Iamschist
You are worried about money and home is a comforting thought, I understand. Certainly poverty is no fun. I do think that you have been happy and seem to have a strong marriage.

My advice, which is worth absolutely nothing, lol, is that you hang in there with your husband. Otherwise in the long run, you will have things yes, but things are not what count really. Love is what matters and you have that. For better or for worse, you gave your word. Is there someone you can talk to? Your mother-in-law perhaps? I doubt his family will let the children starve. Have some faith.

That's all very romantic and very much a first world rose coloured glasses answer

Kids need food as well as love
Kids need an education to succeed as well as love
Kids need a dad that can provide as well as love
Kids to look up and want to aspire to being greater as well as love

I'm pretty sure the kids will receive love, food,education,and a father that has learned to provide in the future if the OP moves home.

As you said for better or for worse (you assume a Christian wedding) I doubt that.

If worse is moving back and the hubby having to learn to provide

So be it

Cody

Simple answer, do the best for the kids, not for you or your husband. That means go back home with your kids.

reply to post by cody599


Money is not a reason to break up a family. imho His family managed to raise him, so I expect his children will do ok too.

I am not so harsh a judge of him. It takes some people a while to get it together. You make it sound like he has not tried, when clearly he has. She loves him. So he cannot be a scum bag.

If someone is willing to stick during fair weather, but not for foul, what does that say about them? She married regardless of the ceremony so she values commitment and made one by getting married. If they decide as a couple to return to her homeland, that is one thing, but I don't feel she should leave him.

reply to post by Lovely1973

If you're willing to stay with that man. Fine. The two of you can live on the street, and be happy together...

But if you care anything about those children. You'll give them a fighting chance in this world. Send them back to the UK to be raised by someone who has the means to support them, has their priorities in order, and has their head on straight.

reply to post by Iamschist


I said leave until he can provide for the sake of the kids

I've lived in the middle east the one factor we don't have is the sex of the kids

A BIG factor out there

Without meaning offence

This aint Kansas Dorothy

It's kids lives possibly on the line here, and that to me, is singularly the most important factor,

Love is strong

Strong enough for hubby to get his head out his backside and provide for them.
As the OP said 1 night shift in the UK is a months wages where she is

I ask you

Would you risk your kids lives for the sake of a vow you made ?

Or would you call on your partner to stand up to the promise they made ?

I know my choice

Cody

reply to post by Lovely1973




Greetings- You are neither a quitter or whiner. You can do anything You want, this is based on Your ability to "roll w/the punches" and Your past performance.

|'d go back to the U.K. (alone) and re-establish both income and lodging. This will require Hubby sticking His over inflated ego in His back pocket and watch the homestead in the ME. This will hopefully "awaken" what is dormant in Hubby and perhaps this ordeal will indeed allow Him to "pull His finger out" (it reads as if it is His head that is 'keester planted')

From My personal experience in the ME, the Female gets screwed (pun intended) You've "gutted enough"

A nurse is a nurse anywhere, is the U.K. warm enough? Uruguay is currently exchanging at 20-1 and the Olympics are coming next door in Brazil in 2016... Look further down the line.

namaste

LewisStulePhD
reply to post by Lovely1973

 

Greetings- You are neither a quitter or whiner. You can do anything You want, this is based on Your ability to "roll w/the punches" and Your past performance.

|'d go back to the U.K. (alone) and re-establish both income and lodging. This will require Hubby sticking His over inflated ego in His back pocket and watch the homestead in the ME. This will hopefully "awaken" what is dormant in Hubby and perhaps this ordeal will indeed allow Him to "pull His finger out" (it reads as if it is His head that is 'keester planted')

From My personal experience in the ME, the Female gets screwed (pun intended) You've "gutted enough"

A nurse is a nurse anywhere, is the U.K. warm enough? Uruguay is currently exchanging at 20-1 and the Olympics are coming next door in Brazil in 2016... Look further down the line.

namaste

If I could give ten stars for that I would

Cody

reply to post by Lovely1973


My advice is simple.

If you are sure that the U.K. is the answer as far as money is concerned, and your husband truly loves his family, perhaps the best thing is for all of you to return to the U.K. and for him to assume the role of stay-at-home Dad, while you work as a nurse.

He obviously is unable to provide as far as income is concerned, but there's no reason that he cannot provide in other ways.

As an aside, I don't know your husband, or his mentality towards an idea like this, but at least in the U.K., there would be far less public scrutiny placed on him for staying home and taking care of the children as opposed to the Middle East.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck and hope that the two of you manage to do what is needed to keep your family together, especially considering that it sounds like a close and loving one.

reply to post by Lovely1973


I feel for you! I too am a nurse and understand the security it can bring. You have done everything you can it sounds like. Do not feel guilty for wanting to provide for your children.

My advice, which is really only my opinion, is to leave and go home.

You are a mother FIRST, WIFE SECOND. Take care of your babies any way you can. Get out of the Mid East! BUT, do what your instincts tell you, not a stranger like me.

Love and Blessings to you! I hope you find your path!

reply to post by Lovely1973


In what country do you live in?

Starwise
reply to post by Lovely1973

 

I feel for you! I too am a nurse and understand the security it can bring. You have done everything you can it sounds like. Do not feel guilty for wanting to provide for your children.

My advice, which is really only my opinion, is to leave and go home.

You are a mother FIRST, WIFE SECOND. Take care of your babies any way you can. Get out of the Mid East! BUT, do what your instincts tell you, not a stranger like me.

Love and Blessings to you! I hope you find your path!

I whole heartily agree!!! The children are young, they need stability. Your duty is mother first.

Thanks for your reply and for taking the time to read. Your comments were appreciated too!

geobro

and del boy can always do a open university course on buisness

Lol re: Delboy (you're not the first to make the comparison!) Problem is he has a Masters in business (from UK)! Speaks fluent English / Arabic, a Law degree...you'd have thought he'd be snapped up for a job, right?? just doesn't seem to happen!! Whats worse is seeing my friend's husbands providing them with all they need but it just doesnt seem to happen!

Sigh! thanks again x

reply to post by Iamschist


Thanks for your reply, I do appreciate your persective and of course, what you have written is the main counter-side to my dilemma.
We married in UK in a Registry Office so it was a part of the vows 'for better for worse' (I think!). Although Im not hung up on the vows themselves, it's the sentiment behind them that cripples me somewhat! That is, I've been happy for 10 years with someone who really has been like a best friend to me. Just now when the going gets tough, am I being really horrible to give up on him? Is the right thing to persist?
But as much as I say that, I feel angry at him for letting us get into this situation! It's always next week etc...
Yet I adore my kids and my life is my kids and always will be. At the same time he is their Dad...
He is from a previously wealthy family and his father was very well known and respected here....I feel his son tries to ride on his reputation without putting in all the hard work neccessary like his father did. If his Dad were still alive I am sure we would not be in this situation.
I've confided in his sisters (his Mother speaks no English or me Arabic!) and while they are sympathetic, when it comes down to forking out school fees or paying our rent, I dont believe they could or, indeed, should.
Its not an easy one...thanks again xx

Klassified
reply to post by Lovely1973

 

If you're willing to stay with that man. Fine. The two of you can live on the street, and be happy together...

But if you care anything about those children. You'll give them a fighting chance in this world. Send them back to the UK to be raised by someone who has the means to support them, has their priorities in order, and has their head on straight.

I appreciate your reply, thank you.
I understand it's not easy when you don't know much about me, but I happilly devote my life to my children, they are my first priorities in life, believe me. They were planned, wanted and are much loved. However I am not willing for any of this to impact on them, at all if I can help it. I am doing my very best to insulate them from this all and their education is currently high standard and we have a nice home. But sustainability is the key here. If we go back to England, they will love it because they adore UK. But that wont replace their Dad, who we love but despair of!
Be assured that they are totally at the heart of any decisions I make.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my OP and reply.