posted on Aug, 3 2013 @ 12:38 AM
Yeah, you read it right. I am native, and I am hitting up the cheap liquor hard tonight. I no longer drink that often, but when I do, I drink to get
drunk. I drink at those times when I can't take the world anymore, and it's eithre drink until I pass out, or do something stupid. I will be typing
Tonight is one of those nights. I feel like I cannot relate to most people in the world, and feel alone alone alone. I feel hate from everywhere, and
it overwhlems me completely. I never asked to be born, at least not that I remember. Maybe I am a masochist and chose who I was to become. Sometimes I
drink because the physical pain is too much, when your teeth are rotting out of your skull, it hurts.
I don't know if I was ever right in the head, or if I was just really good at convincing myself. What is normal? What is love? What does love feel
like? I thought I knew once, but that love I felt, turned to hate really fast when I found out my loved ones did me wrong. Family, I am not sure, I
say I love them, and god help anyone that may wrong my family..... But I don't know if I love them. Terrible thing to say and feel. How do you know
if you love a family member? Plenty of family members I thought I loved, well I have been away from them a long time. I don't know if I miss them, or
I miss having them around me. Maybe I am a sociopath?
I don't know. I dont know anything really. Sometimes I feel like I should just kill myself, then my fear of death kicks in and I have a panic attack.
I am sick of being me, but what if me is all I will ever be? What if once my life ceases to be, then that is all folks. Lights out. That scares the #
out of me. What good have I done in this world? Have I done anything worthwhile? Is this all for nothing? Am I wasting my time, and other people's
Damnit, I want answers, and no real answers are to be found. What am I going to do? I suppose tomorrow I will wake up with a hangover, and kick myself
for being stupid, then continue to train for war. Or maybe I will not wake up at all.
I guess I am just sick of the fear. Sick of the doubt. And sick of the confusion. Where is jesus, budda, krishna, anyone. Bueller? Argh.