posted on Jul, 15 2013 @ 08:23 AM
Hi, I'm not really sure how to even begin this, quite frankly there isn't a 'beginning' for me.
I'll start by saying that my earliest memory is in 1st grade, everything that happened before that is an utter loss to me. When I look at photos of
myself before first grade it is like I am looking at a stranger. But at the same time it feels as though I was nonexistent in that time, and not that
I can't remember it. No feeling of 'loss' was associated with this memory loss.
Memories/experiences/life events from ages 5-22 now feel as though they were some movie I flipped through briefly a couple weeks prior. I often lose
'huge' events entirely, being reminded later in life only to have a feeling of disbelief that they ever occurred. (more along the lines of "no...
That can't be" than a firm "there is no way that happened".)
I also feel the need to clarify this was mostly just personal memories, but at times when I tried to learn something it just wouldn't stick, IE
mathematics was a loss to me while science was easy.
I didn't really remember or retain feelings about many things until I was 22. One day I woke up and it was literally like my brain had just turned
on. Went to sleep a rock, woke up a sponge. I was suddenly... Alive and real.
I absorbed everything, useless facts, key words, began to have a subconscious photographic memory (where I knew where something was but have no
recollection of actually seeing it there). I can also see pictures and images when i close my eyes, mostly symbols and things I don't remember ever
seeing. In the years since this event I have studied (not in a degree sense) archeology, etymology, philosophical, ancient life, prophesies,
extraterrestrial entities and places, weather, astrology, astronomy, the spiritual realm. I became fascinated and drawn to Lilith, and often felt as
though the manner in which I learned of her was almost like I was being handed the information from beyond what we understand (some call it fate)
I became a Taoist because I already was one. Or at least my disconnection with my life (no remembrance, no disappointments, no expectations etc). I
never really believed in God, although I have believed there was a higher intelligence.
During my rebirth, I call it this because I feel I have gained more understanding in these few years than the twenty plus prior, something did
While most of my memories are a loss to me, I regained a couple very vivid recollections among the sea of vague that is I. This was about two years
One was when I was maybe 12, I sat and slept at my balcony door for a week. It had rained the whole time. I remember feeling like I was making it
rain. I also received some kind of message, and I say that only because I can't find another way to describe it. The message/thought was that I would
not live past 25. I remember not being scared of this, just a deep peace with it.
The other was when I was about 14, I was sitting in my moms friends car and I had an overwhelming sensation that I was small. Tiny. Like Alice in
wonderland tiny. It didn't last long, but would return years later in its opposite (so big I would crush all)
Immediately the death thing stuck out to me. (it was like i had a memo in my brain with a do not open until this date in my head) Why hadn't I
remembered this before? Why was I remembering these things now? The first thing I did was calculate it against major prophecies, 2012 being those
The date was just under 9 months off. 25 was also a cut off age, not a date. So I existed until 12/21/2012, I say existed because I didn't feel
like I was really living, this period is vague to me now. I stayed in on that day , not from fear- I was waiting. Not for the apocalypse, the end of
the world, or some disaster etc.. But I was definitely waiting.
I guess I still am. Maybe I'm just waiting for this stupid 25th birthday. But I can't help but feel that everything about me and who I am is
different than almost all I know.
People always give me that "WHAT happened to you" look when I say I don't remember my childhood. No one understands the dissociation I feel with
To me it feels like I was never a child.
Like the vague memories of this life just started one day in first grade.
And it all feels incredibly fake.
And I don't think any of it matters.
I did those two survey/quizzes about being a starseed (I don't full understand it yet) and answered yes on most of the twelve questions
questionnaire, the second one (longer,every questions mentions child) I answered mostly no, but again, I don't remember.
It was a reach, I just want to know why I am different, or how I am, or what I am. I always be waiting for that answer. I don't have much time before
this imposed cut off, which is probably why I am even here.
I started writing this a year ago and never posted it. I have largely been looked down on and criticized because of these things. Opening up on a site
like this is.. Not in the realm of 'norm' but in the end neither am I. Glad to finally have done this, thanks for giving me an outlet to express
I think I just want to know if there's someone else like me.
Hope someone can help.