posted on Feb, 6 2013 @ 08:00 AM
I've had two significant losses since this general time period in 2009 - one a murder and the other a death that was just as unexpected, and both
people were very close to me for long stretches of time (decades) even if I'd pulled back from both by the time they began their approach to the
circumstances leading to their respective deaths. The first one - a murder - hit me extremely hard, and I still struggle with the specifics
surrounding what happened. The killer is in prison for good, and yet there are still many unresolved questions surrounding the nature of the incident,
since it involved schizophrenia and possible lapses in judgment by others that may have amounted to depraved indifference on their part. So, it's hard
to know if the impact of this death is more about a perceived injustice than about the actual death itself.
The 2nd death involved a confluence of terrible life choices and one last bad choice that may have taken the combination of impacts on the body and
pushed it all to what - in retrospect - could be seen as a fairly predictable end. That death wasn't as jarring, even though it was just as
unexpected, and contains a similar degree of uncertainty concerning the exact details surrounding what happened and why.
I guess I've got a very casual attitude toward death, and this seemed to be true even when I was handed a 50/50 chance of dying on the table in Nov
2011, as they were prepping me for emergency spinal surgery, and I was handed a phone in the ER to call a next of kin to let them know what was
happening. I honestly didn't have a fear about dying, and was pretty indifferent to the idea of it - although it could've been due to how much pain I
was in at the time, and how much I wanted that pain to just go away at any cost.
I would imagine that this has to do with my own firm belief that I'll continue after death, and that death isn't an end of any sort (for me, anyway)
even if it is a temporary separation between me and the people I care about that will remain here. The 1st death (described above) probably hit me so
hard because of the terrible circumstances of the death, and how protective I've always felt toward the person who was murdered. It had to have been
terrifying for her, and this part of it is what has continued to haunt me.
I think that I'm much more troubled by bad moments in life than about death.
edit on 2/6/2013 by NorEaster because: (no reason given)