Sometimes this world seems a little darker than it ought to be.

A couple of hours ago a friend that I have not spoken with in awhile texted my cellphone, rather out of the blue, with some small talk.

Then, oddly enough, seconds later, another friend, from that same period of my life, and equally as infrequently spoken with these days also hit my phone with a text message.

Then my phone began blowing up with texts from friends, former friends, and general acquaintances.

Finally, one of them - an ex girlfriend from about a decade ago - broke the ice and informed me as to why my phone was suddenly the busiest place in town - after months of barely using it at all.

About a decade ago I had a very casual, every once in a blue moon type relationship with a woman who was in a rocky marriage. She and I had met through mutual friends and honestly never even became that close as friends, in spite of the physical aspects of our infrequent interactions. She and her husband would break up, spend a few weeks apart, and then get back together. During those "apart" times? She and I would sometimes hang out.

Over time the liaisons ceased - I got a girlfriend , so the shenanigans stopped. But this woman and I stayed in casual contact for a few more years. My ex and I even hung out with the woman and her family a few times.

Anyway... the reason my phone was blowing up is that three days ago this womans 16 year old son killed her husband with a samurai sword. I Googled it and it's legit. I'm not linking it here because it includes the womans last name and I could not abet the off chance that I might cause her any more grief than she is currently feeling... A dead husband, a teenaged son in jail, being charged as an adult, with murder.

It bears mentioning that her husband was not the father of her son. He was the boys step father.

Neither death, nor even murder, are things that have not previously touched my life before, sadly. It seems that fate deigned my life to be one that sees, too often, these ugly and painful things. Both of my parents came from large families... When I was born only one grandparent ( my paternal grandfather ) was left alive, I have fifteen living aunts and uncles, and more cousins than I would even care to start trying to enumerate. Many of them now gone. Add to that the fact that I was raised in a rather dangerous and violent area of California and...

Well.. I no longer even attend funerals. After 60 or 70 they lose their allure and all of my patience for them ran out long before I stopped showing up to them.

But this? This feels so much more tragic than any of the deaths I've had to be connected to in recent years. I cannot even put my finger on why. Maybe it is that this particular woman always struck me as a bit tragic. She is so beautiful - inside and out. But she also is flawed and filled with a sort of pain that shows, in spite of her perky and outgoing nature. I never was emotionally intimate enough with her to discover the source of her pain or to discuss it with her, But it was always right beneath the surface.

She is one of those folks who others say have old souls and eyes.

Now? A dead husband, and a 16 year old son in jail? I cannot fathom what she is experiencing and enduring right now. My heart is broken for her. One mutual friend suggested I call her or message her on FB to try and provide her with some form of support or encouragement.

What the Hell would I say? What could anyone say? For all I know the kid might have been defending his mother or himself. The step dad was a bit rowdy and I know he drank and did other things on occasion.

I feel like contacting her now, given our past, out of the blue - would just seem petty or base. Like she'd see it as me trying to fulfill some perceived or socially implied obligation. And that is not even addressing the fact that I am a stereotypical alpha male. Encouraging words aren't something we're known for being apt with.

What I do know is that my heart is overflowing with empathy for this woman and I had to let it out somewhere. Since ATS is my home and where my heart usually is... then let it be here. I honestly don't expect this to lead to any sort of conversation really. I just needed a place to put these thoughts. To reach out to her and voice my sympathy - even if only as a gesture.

Sometimes this world seems a little darker than it ought to be.

~Heff

Give her a call, make sure shes ok. Im certain she wouldnt mind.

I havent dealt with death much in my life, but ive been to two funerals lately. I dont know if its something ill ever grow used to.

I am so sorry to hear this Honey. I think it would be fine if you contacted her. Just let her know that you found out what happened and are so sorry to hear about it. You don't need to say a lot, just let her know you care and are there.

This sort of thing always leaves me struggling for words. Let's just say that Night Star speaks for me....

Originally posted by Ex_CT2
This sort of thing always leaves me struggling for words. Let's just say that Night Star speaks for me....

Yeah... that's exactly where I am at. Total loss for words. I'm handy when things need fixing - or a drunk boyfriend needs expelling from the premises... This falls directly into everything that is not my wheelhouse.

Originally posted by Hefficide

Originally posted by Ex_CT2
This sort of thing always leaves me struggling for words. Let's just say that Night Star speaks for me....

Yeah... that's exactly where I am at. Total loss for words. I'm handy when things need fixing - or a drunk boyfriend needs expelling from the premises... This falls directly into everything that is not my wheelhouse.

One thing you need to realize is that it is far easier than you think. I have found that through my struggling and suffering in life through the years, it was the simple things that mattered most and made the biggest difference in my life. While people and pets passed away, while I fought cancer, it was knowing that others genuinely cared. They didn't need to say a lot or be profound. Just knowing that they cared, that my feelings mattered, that I mattered and they were there for me. If I wanted to talk, they would listen. If I didn't want to talk, I knew I could turn to them when I was ready, or they simply offered a hug or a hand to hold. They were my lifeline.

It is in times like this that we know who are true friends are and who love us the most.

I feel like contacting her now, given our past, out of the blue - would just seem petty or base. Like she'd see it as me trying to fulfill some perceived or socially implied obligation.

reply to post by Hefficide



Even if she might see it that way...if you truly are concerned for her well being and seriously would be there for her, then you should contact her. People are suggesting you contact her, are they just nebby, or do they know this woman dosn't have enough family or some kind of support system?

She is gonna need a few good friends for sure.

If it were me, I'd call or even text. I'd say something like... I can't imagine what you are going through right now but I want you to know I care about you and I'm here to help you. Anything you need, anytime, call me.

reply to post by Hefficide
Wow, Heff. That's some heavy stuff you're dealing with. I can sure understand your reluctance to call or FB message her. But you're so well written. And clearly your heart goes out to this girl.

Heff, you should write her a letter and stick it in a card and mail it to her, the old fashioned way. Just speak from the heart and the love for your friend will shine through. And it WILL make a difference. There is something about a hand-written letter that words on a screen can never convey. She will treasure it, and cling to it during the darkest moments. You know this, don't you? Because if the tables were turned, and you got that in the mail from a long lost friend, it would eclipse all the email sympathy you had received, and the uncomfortable phone calls.

You have a way with words. I can tell you want to do something. This might be just what the doctor ordered.

This may not be a popular approach...

Whatever you do, or say, be true to yourself and avoid doing it simply because you feel obligated to do it. If it comes from the heart then you won't have to try, and it will flow out easily; if you need to try, then whatever you do or say will probably lack sincerity. It's up to you though. When it comes to something like this, I wouldn't normally take advice that has lots of "shoulds" in it, especially if it leaves one feeling conflicted, fake, or deceptive.

I've spent a lot of time in darkness... what it taught me is that it is the space in which greatness is not only made possible, but so very noticeable and elating. You see, here before you lies a chance to shine for someone in their time of need. It is also a time to show a side of yourself you may have kept back. The descent to and ascent from darkness is when change is the most striking to us.

The fact that you brought this out for all of us as eloquently as you did, speaks volumes that it's in you to do something about it. A simple gesture like a Cherokee Rose or feeding a baby can say a lot more than a lot of sweet sounding words.

Thanks so much for the help folks. Because this person has moved to a town north of here, none of my current networked and common friends knew her new address - so a handwritten letter became an unlikely avenue. But I did go her FB page and left a message much like the one MidnightSunshine suggested. Tweaked a bit and personalized - but essentially in the same spirit as presented above.

One of the downfalls of me being open and brutally honest about my PTSD and depression issues on ATS, I think, is that it can be an easy thing for readers ( at least a certain kind ) to simply say "Oh, look. Captain Emo is being all emo again...."

The thing of it is that I am a rock - despite my problems. My coping skills obviously are archaic as they often end up involving self-medication with a few drinks, or righteously medicating with the prescription mood medication that I am legally prescribed... But they also involve what are deemed "unhealthy" behaviors on occasion as well. I've thrown a punch or two at people who violated my ideas of proper behavior or social etiquette. ( Ok, maybe more like hundreds of punches... but semantics) I also, once in a blue moon, will throw, smash, or punch inanimate objects to facilitate a release from strong emotions. Those things withstanding, however, when it comes to my own sanity and mental discipline - it's all pretty much in control, even if by somewhat chaotic means.

But when those I care for hurt? It's like I am suddenly a neanderthal whose best idea is "I hit bad thing with club - you be better then." And this offends the Hell out of me. I may not be the brightest bulb in the house, but I do light a pretty large area and by no means am I anywhere near the dullest. So why this sudden devolution where emotions about my friends and loved ones?

Feeling powerless is the worst feeling in the world for a guy like me. I'd fight a bar full of heavily armed men and not only not think twice about it - but my emotions would never even come into play. Not even fear.

It is like I am a statue made from strong ice. Beat on me all day long and you won't even chip me.... but when live fines one of the few hairline cracks hidden in my visage, and strikes? I'm suddenly left nothing more than a pile of ice cubes on the floor.

The truth is I spent most of my life a selfish, arrogant, womanizing, jerk of a person. My priorities, until about five years ago, were so jacked up that I would have probably contacted this woman offering to "comfort" her. Without a second though I would have said something like "Look, I've got a liquor cabinet. Come over, give yourself a moment away from the pain. I'll take care of you and you can crash here. You need this to keep you from going crazy..." A humiliating admission, but an honest one. At the time I honestly would have not only defended that position, but I would have an entire litany of rationales lined up to defend it.

Just the idea that I can think this thought, even today, in the proper context, and knowing that this was the "old me", makes me feel shamed and sick.

I spent 41 years being one of the most popular, fun, and enjoyable pieces of human garbage that one could imagine. I was loved by almost all - and utterly despised by a few. But I thought I was happy and felt like the King of my world. Without braggadocio, I was once nearly legend in these parts, and my ego at it up. There was a time when I could drive hours from my house and end up hearing somebody say "You're Heff? Are you THAT Heff? The one from Atlanta?"

I've had five years of enlightenment and opportunity to repair those previous flaws. And that speaks to how I feel tonight.... Like a five year old kid trying to make things better for an adult.

I did the best I could, for now... I just hope it was the right thing.

But, again, thank you all so much for your advice! I sincerely appreciate every word of it.

~Heff

Originally posted by Hefficide

Originally posted by Ex_CT2
This sort of thing always leaves me struggling for words. Let's just say that Night Star speaks for me....

Yeah... that's exactly where I am at. Total loss for words. I'm handy when things need fixing - or a drunk boyfriend needs expelling from the premises... This falls directly into everything that is not my wheelhouse.

I'm thinking this is an occasion where we are not supposed to have any words. We should be silent and let the grieving voice their words to us. Just let them spill their guts while we are their shoulder to cry on.

Don't feel sick and ashamed. That's life, we start out as jacked up little #holes, then we grow up. Deep down we are always the same person. Just takes some of us longer to evolve than others...some never do.

But I think that's why people, like who you described, are popular. I'm sure no one would like to admit it but it's fun to have friends like that...People with no worries or seemingly no conscience. Even Women...we know what were getting into with people like that, it's a choice.

I've done stupid things, things I'm not proud of too...but It made me who I am today, and I like me, so I'm not ashamed.

I like you too. I'm sorry your friend is hurting, she's lucky to have known you, you're a good dude...flaws and all!!

Well..

That certainly is a bummer man.

I can understand your position. Since Sept. of 2010 I have been to 17 funerals, and I have had just about enough of that.

Otherwise, there is nothing I can say that will help out.
I mean, what is there to do but just pick up the load and carry on. It's only a little heavier, and we're all used to carrying that heavy weight, what's a bit more?

I'm not being sarcastic or anything, I'm just saying it's another sucker punch life throws at us and it sucks.

reply to post by Hefficide


Dang Bro, I can't even deny, this post was actually Beautiful. I know exactly what you feel and mean. Empathy is a strange thing yo! But yeah man, just think positive and learn to understand that things sometimes happen for a reason, and perhaps she was fated to have to experience and go through what she had to go through. Turn your emapthy that you feel for her into healing...pray so-to-speak for her to obtain triumph over her pain and sorrow. Positive thoughts are a million times more powerful than negative ones. You can help her heal and recover and become a new life by just being there for her, and making her feel good about herself, as she could probably be going through a sort of self-guilt herself. I say this because I know a women who has gone through a very similar situation, and I understand where she is coming from. Synchronicity is a powerful phenonmenon indeed!

S&F


--1Luv

I feel you my friend.

I don't have the words, but know that I'm here.