posted on Nov, 30 2012 @ 03:11 AM
Thanks so much for the help folks. Because this person has moved to a town north of here, none of my current networked and common friends knew her new
address - so a handwritten letter became an unlikely avenue. But I did go her FB page and left a message much like the one MidnightSunshine suggested.
Tweaked a bit and personalized - but essentially in the same spirit as presented above.
One of the downfalls of me being open and brutally honest about my PTSD and depression issues on ATS, I think, is that it can be an easy thing for
readers ( at least a certain kind ) to simply say "Oh, look. Captain Emo is being all emo again...."
The thing of it is that I am a rock - despite my problems. My coping skills obviously are archaic as they often end up involving self-medication with
a few drinks, or righteously medicating with the prescription mood medication that I am legally prescribed... But they also involve what are deemed
"unhealthy" behaviors on occasion as well. I've thrown a punch or two at people who violated my ideas of proper behavior or social etiquette. ( Ok,
maybe more like hundreds of punches... but semantics) I also, once in a blue moon, will throw, smash, or punch inanimate objects to facilitate a
release from strong emotions. Those things withstanding, however, when it comes to my own sanity and mental discipline - it's all pretty much in
control, even if by somewhat chaotic means.
But when those I care for hurt? It's like I am suddenly a neanderthal whose best idea is "I hit bad thing with club - you be better then." And this
offends the Hell out of me. I may not be the brightest bulb in the house, but I do light a pretty large area and by no means am I anywhere near the
dullest. So why this sudden devolution where emotions about my friends and loved ones?
Feeling powerless is the worst feeling in the world for a guy like me. I'd fight a bar full of heavily armed men and not only not think twice about
it - but my emotions would never even come into play. Not even fear.
It is like I am a statue made from strong ice. Beat on me all day long and you won't even chip me.... but when live fines one of the few hairline
cracks hidden in my visage, and strikes? I'm suddenly left nothing more than a pile of ice cubes on the floor.
The truth is I spent most of my life a selfish, arrogant, womanizing, jerk of a person. My priorities, until about five years ago, were so jacked up
that I would have probably contacted this woman offering to "comfort" her. Without a second though I would have said something like "Look, I've
got a liquor cabinet. Come over, give yourself a moment away from the pain. I'll take care of you and you can crash here. You need this to keep you
from going crazy..." A humiliating admission, but an honest one. At the time I honestly would have not only defended that position, but I would have
an entire litany of rationales lined up to defend it.
Just the idea that I can think this thought, even today, in the proper context, and knowing that this was the "old me", makes me feel shamed and
I spent 41 years being one of the most popular, fun, and enjoyable pieces of human garbage that one could imagine. I was loved by almost all - and
utterly despised by a few. But I thought I was happy and felt like the King of my world. Without braggadocio, I was once nearly legend in these parts,
and my ego at it up. There was a time when I could drive hours from my house and end up hearing somebody say "You're Heff? Are you THAT Heff? The
one from Atlanta?"
I've had five years of enlightenment and opportunity to repair those previous flaws. And that speaks to how I feel tonight.... Like a five year old
kid trying to make things better for an adult.
I did the best I could, for now... I just hope it was the right thing.
But, again, thank you all so much for your advice! I sincerely appreciate every word of it.