Men and Women Can't be 'Just Friends'

Ok, ya'll. Time to break away from all the UFO and alien talk. This has nothing to do with Obama or Romney or Donald Trump's hair piece. This has something to do with an issue you and I and everyone else on ATS has faced at some point as we were growing up (or still happening..lol).

In any case, I stumbled across this wonderful article and decided it warranted some additional discussion. So, here it is.

Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side, and generally seem to be able to avoid spontaneously sleeping together. However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.

As a man myself, this discovery actually blew my mind...

Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends.

Wow!

And this one was also an eye opener...

Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged—males on the younger end of the spectrum were four times more likely than females to report romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, whereas those on the older end of the spectrum were ten times more likely to do the same.

That was an eye-opener. I would have thought that younger men were more likely to feel attracted to their female friends than older men. I guess that's why they call them "dirty old man"..LOL
Men and Women can't be just friends

The people in the video below do not necessarily represent a cross section of cultures or different types of people but it still exemplifies exactly what this study shows as it relates to men-women friendship.

So true!

Here's a video that most of you will remember... When Harry Met Sally.

Forward to 1:30. He's pretty bang on I think





If the vid doesn't work here's the link

youtube.com...

Ahhh, I had lots of girls as friends, I never went out with them. I noticed that if guys went out with the girls they would soon not be friends anymore. I preferred to have the friends than a quick fix. Maybe I'm just a strange guy.

Everything a man is taught either overtly or covertly when growing up is either directly or indirectly related to obtaining female companionship!

I find the best female friendships you start with sex, and become entirely non sexual afterward. Once it's out of the way it becomes a non-issue.

The "friend zone" once you are in it...you will never get out. Guys do tend to have the illusion that the "friend zone" is escape-able...or redefine-able...and well, its not and its not...

Women have a higher tendency to compartmentalize, label and file accordingly. Its harder for them to take someone out of the "friend" box relabel them and file them in "romantic partner" none the less they are two completely separate boxes with separate definitions and qualifications...

for MEN...well we organize things differently...see we have a Giant "sex" box...and within that box we have a "female friend box" and within that box we have the "romantic box"...you can illustrate this with a ven diagram if that is easier for you...at the end of the day ALL of it is in the SEX box...its just what kind of sex...romantic sex or friendly sex....

Men and women file and label their thoughts, beliefs,perspectives entirely differently...

Originally posted by rickymouse
Ahhh, I had lots of girls as friends, I never went out with them. I noticed that if guys went out with the girls they would soon not be friends anymore. I preferred to have the friends than a quick fix. Maybe I'm just a strange guy.

Not strange at all. This video and this notion men and women can't be just friends is just absurd. I/I've have/had many female friends that i was not foaming at the mouth to get with. Sure they are/were attractive, but not every guy wants to bang anything with a pulse. Having female friends is a great way to meet women that you ARE interested in. They see you have female friends and they realize your not some creepy wacko. Of course this can backfire if said female you are interested in becomes a relationship. Most women you are romantically involved with from my experience are very jealous creatures of your female friends. It can be complicated, but men and women can be "just friends". Maturity is a huge factor in this equation.

There is a fairly obvious exception that is not addressed here -- homosexuality. I have several female friends who are gay, and thus there is no sexual tension or romantic confusion. I also have female friends whom I have absolutely no romantic interest in, so again no tension or confusion.

It also helps that I am already in a long term relationship, so I get to use the appropriate anatomy in my decision-making processes.

reply to post by TheLonewolf



I think you missed the other side of the equation in that you may not have been attracted to your female "friends" but did you stop to think that they may have been attracted to you?

After all the question is "can men and women just be friends?"

I would agree that on some level, when men and women are together, there are some biological considerations at work overall. Even in unlikely events (young man working next to the little old lady) somewhere deep in the recesses of our brains, there is a hint.

But to say that therefore there can be no friendship is a bit of an exaggeration. Just because you find someone of potential breeding quality doesn't immediately overrule the higher brain functions of attraction, interest, etc...if this was the case, forget friendship, we wouldn't even be able to have a sensible conversation with one another.

If I was on a battlefield and the opposite side had a woman holding a gun pointing at me, I wouldn't hesitate...but afterwards, she would be more memorable than a male I gunned down..that again is biology calling and saying I did something wrong by taking out a life giver of the species...but core biological realities don't dictate our interactions on a day to day basis.

reply to post by TheLonewolf


Well said

What you say is true, but.... Can you tell me that "sex" or "dirty thoughts" have never crossed your mind? Lol. I'm a woman and I can honesty say right here and right now, that these thoughts have crossed my mind even at
least once, even if for an extremely minute period of time without the intention of EVER following through any advances. But yeah, men and woman can be friends *winks*

The whole relationship dynamic is uninteresting to me now.

Sex is the last thing on my mind lately. It's a weird obsession to most people I find.

Originally posted by wagnificent
There is a fairly obvious exception that is not addressed here -- homosexuality. I have several female friends who are gay, and thus there is no sexual tension or romantic confusion. I also have female friends whom I have absolutely no romantic interest in, so again no tension or confusion.

It also helps that I am already in a long term relationship, so I get to use the appropriate anatomy in my decision-making processes.

Good point.
I don't understand homosexual desires and biological drives. To me, it seems counter to the species (homosexual men especially considering we are seeders and are driven to find things to impregnate..females seek out nurturing moreso than anything else, so it could be a more nurturing thing driving them).

Meh, I just don't understand the gays...I don't judge, just don't "get it". I however would find it difficult to believe that deep down there isn't a core consideration..but like the example of the young man next to a old woman, the preference outweighs the core biology. just hypothesising here.

Originally posted by Sly1one


Women have a higher tendency to compartmentalize, label and file accordingly. Its harder for them to take someone out of the "friend" box relabel them and file them in "romantic partner" none the less they are two completely separate boxes with separate definitions and qualifications...

THAT is bang on.

Originally posted by yourmaker
The whole relationship dynamic is uninteresting to me now.

Sex is the last thing on my mind lately. It's a weird obsession to most people I find.

Not most people
Most of life everywhere, be it people, dogs, frogs, etc...it is the driving force of all life.

You should try to identify whats going on..it quite literally is not natural to not be at least slightly preoccupied with intercourse...not consumed by it mind you, but it should be there as a desire that has some relevance towards motivation...its sorta a life thing.

I would agree with you at a given age.

I would disagree with you at a given age.

Teens, early 20's yeah. After that though you see that sex isn't the "be all, end all" of a relationship. You youngun's will know what I mean eventually.

Men are more likely to fantasize about having sex with women in general, friend or no (except for girly men). Usually if a man is in the "friend zone" he can forget about having a romantic relationship with that woman, women in my experience are alot less likely to try for something romantic if it risks the chance the relationship doesn't work out and it destroys that friendship.

I was dating a woman that decided she just wanted "to be friends" with me, turns out she picked another guy over me. That relationship fell through a month later and she tried to hit me up, but i'm nobody's left overs. I don't give second chances i don't care how good they look or how good they think they are in bed.

Men and Women can be friends so long as they find each other unattractive or incompatible, that's how it works over here in my mind. Can't speak for the world. If my male friends were attractive, I could still be just friends with them but I might flirt every now and then. Knowing men they'll probably do something to annoy me sooner or later and I'd be turned off forever. As a friendship I cherish, I wouldn't want to run the risk of getting frisky and ruining things.

reply to post by intrepid


I would tend to agree with Intrepid. I have quite a few female friends and have fooled around with them all (-1), but I think when you break into your 30's things change.

Actually does just fooling around a little even count? No emotional component other than friendship just boredom and a little case of the friskies.

It does seem like every dude I know eventually crushes on a female friend. Happened to me BAD. It was awful. Ended up breaking out of the friendzone, dated, things didn't pan out and we still talk daily. I completely buy that guys think they have a shot when they don't, and that most think it's possible for their nice guy routine to slowly whittle down a woman's naughty time stubbornness.

Kind of a weird question in that one party may have feelings, but if nothing happens and the friendship remains strong anyway then the two people are just friends.

Interesting question. I do think that generally one of the people in the friendship is going to have slight feelings for the other, and that person is usually the guy.

I totally disagree!!!!!!!!

I have tons of ugly female friends who will forever remain friends