At the Death Bed of a Loved One

My Mother had almost entirely lost her ability to speak due to an earlier stroke. A few days before her death one day she looked past me as I sat by her bed, and in a perfectly clear voice, said , "Mother?" (Her mother had died when Mom was young. )

I felt she was pretty close at that point, and afterward she daily grew weaker and less responsive. On the last morning she was much more animated....restless...the hospice nurses told me that was often a precursor to death. They also told me that she would not likely even know I was there.

But when I spoke to her, holding her hand....she turned toward me, though her eyes were already beginning to grow cloudy, and seemed to breath harder like she was trying to speak. Knowing her for the 'worry wart' that she had always been.....I told her that we would be alright, her grandchildren were 'grown', and doing well.
She had given us the care we needed and now it was time for her to rest.....no more suffering, she would be going 'home' to peace and God's love.

She kinda sighed and visibly relaxed, but still held my hand with an amazing strength......in a moment or two she quit breathing, and was gone......It seemed like she was waiting to be reassured that WE would be ok.

If it were me and my sons were on the bed side .. I would want them to understand how Proud I was of them.

I would want them to tell me how much they are "going to be ok" more then "Im going to be ok".

I would be more concerned about My loved ones rather then how my loved ones are concerned about Me. I hope you understand.

Telling your loved one that is about to die how much he/she enriched your life and how positively they contributed to your life I think is paramount for them to be at peace.

Remember that people on there death bed just wants you to understand how much they truly Love You. They need that more then how much you love them.

Remind your Grandmother just how much you have learned and felt love from her. Assure her that you will be ok and stay strong.

Thank her for contributions to your life.

My Great Grandmother had in her will that All family members should throw a party when she died. "Have fun kids .. you deserve it. You have All enriched my life and now its time to celebrate Mine !".

We did just that .. and everyone had a joining fun time. We celebrated her life instead of lament her death.

Hope this helps some.

JG.

Edit.. "It seemed like she was waiting to be reassured that WE would be ok. " from the above poster that was typing the same time.

Same thing that I was trying to say.

After re-reading some of the earlier posts about a dream, I though I'd add my husband's experience.

His father was losing a battle with kidney failure, but was fully 'at himself' till just a couple of hours before his passing......He told my husband, his only son that he expected him to love and take care of his sisters, which of course he promised he would do.....He said his goodbyes and did not sit by his side to the end....

There had been much family drama in the days shortly before his passing. My husband and his older sister had always been at odds, and while Papa was in the hospital she would pick a fight in the waiting room and then run to share what had been said with him......getting him upset and then blaming my husband and others.

After Papa died, my husband could not rest, not knowing if Papa had seen through the sister's act. I tried to reassure him, but it continued to really worry him.

I've always felt I was a bit more psychic than the norm, so I tried to meditate on the matter....sending a 'message' if you will to Papa, asking him to help my husband deal with this. That very night I had an amazing dream:

First I could hear a barking dog......when the dog came running to me, it was one that we had given Papa years before, but he could not keep him and brought him back to us on the farm, where he oft came to see him, bringing treats and still calling him 'my' dog......This was followed by a cat that has belonged to him......I began to think I was in the land of lost pets, when Papa walked up.....

He escorted me thru his 'new digs'.....a garden that was in full bloom with huge vines of lush fruit (he loved to garden, had a real green thumb and a tiny yard.) and a hallway lined with doors, several of which he opened to show me......At the last door he turned, " This is my favorite...." .

It was the deck of a sailing ship, flapping sails, rushing wind. When he stepped thru the door and onto the deck, I noticed his white hair was black again, like I had only seen in pictures of him as a young man.....He walked toward a young woman sitting with her back to me, putting his arm around her (his wife had died a year or so before him...).....smiling to me over his shoulder. The door closed, and I woke with a start!

Now you might say that I'd just dreamed what I wanted to.....but when I relayed the part about the sailing ship, my husband said that was something Papa had often spoke of wanting to do when they were kids and he'd taught them to ski.....something I'd not heard about.

reply to post by PatrickGarrow17

My condolences Patrick. It is a difficult situation you find yourself in, as it has been for all of us who have been there before you.

There is no right or wrong way to prepare or behave in this part of being human. Every person is different just as every act of dying is different. In my own experience I have simply sat with my loved ones and talked to them about the good times and let them know how much I loved them; holding their hand or stroking their hair. I have never tried to find closure for myself in talking about the difficulties of the relationship. Somehow to me that seems a very selfish thing. Is it wrong? That's not for me to say.

Twice I have been with dying loved ones who became wakeful and aware of persons in the room with them that others did not perceive (long dead friends and relatives) just hours before they passed. In my heart I know that those good spirits were there to help my loved ones make the journey. I was thankful for them.

Just last month I went to wake my bio-pop for breakfast one morning and found him no longer living. He had struggled with poor health and advancing dementia for quite a few years. His life had become much like a prison from which he could not escape. While we did everything that we could to make his last days as full and comfortable as possible existence was very diminished. I felt an absolute joy for him as I knew he was no longer bound by the frailties of the flesh. Yes, I was sad that he was gone, but knowing that death is not the end (my belief) makes the sadness easy to temper.

I hope you can reconcile what feelings you may have at this time: fear, sorrow, indecision, and just be fully there to send your loved one on their way with love and compassion.

reply to post by PatrickGarrow17


Life is but a dream that we all pretend is real. We are all sleeping, and death is justly the moment we awaken.

Know this while at the dyings side, and be not afraid to witness the awakening and rebirth of an immortal spirit.

Rejoice in the passing; it is the best part of the part of the dream; the transition from the dark night, into the bright and shining eternal dawn.

Like what most people would do, give them your love. You need not to give something else, create them to carry something else, or insist on attaching your hearts to them ever so greatly. It is but love that is light enough that it is weightless and nothing. This is the vehicle that they carry their birth in and this also must be the vehicle to carry their leave in. Loving an individual does not possess them my friends, but leaves them free with your illumination of your heart.

reply to post by PatrickGarrow17


BEST thing you can do is talk to them about there childhood ect..
As those are always there happiest times..And Trust me they want there life story told and for ANYONE to really care.It will make them feel as if there life was special and how lucky they was in life.
And in turn die happy

I just finished reading the pdf version of a book called "Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near-Death Experiences" by Jeffery Long, MD and Paul Perry. I found it available on the internet, so you can probably find it too if your interested.

I am 31 and had been an atheist for around 18 years, and this book I felt offered solid evidence of the afterlife. Things like how people blind since birth, who have been unable to understand vision when its been explained to them, and then they have a near death experience and describe visual sight. And to them, not knowing vision previously they are unsure if they are describing sight, but to those who hear the description its clear they had "seen". Or other lines of evidence such as children under the age of 5, who should have no concept of death, let alone understanding of popular cultures descriptions of near death experiences. And these very young children describe spiritual events that are identical to what people globally describe when they have an "NDE".

I have been familiar with the arguments against the "NDE" experience for some time. That they are the hallucinations of a dying brain, is the most prominent. The book I read clearly and scientifically debunks this argument, and much of the other arguments made against it. I recommend reading up on the topic if you truly want to get a peak into whats on the other side of deaths wall.

I've been convinced that not only the afterlife is real, but that it is wonderful. My mother is dying of carcinoid liver cancer, and what I have learned from researching "NDE's" has comforted me that when her death comes to take her away from me, its is only a brief, temporary parting. I am saddened by the time I will not be able to see her, but glad that she is going to be in a wonderful place, and that I will get to go there too.

Believing in the afterlife is not religiously exclusive. My reading on the topic shows that people of all faiths and cultures experience the same process when their bodies die. And all of them feel immense love and comfort, seemingly from a God who's love is unconditional. He/she really doesn't care what church you go to on Sunday, or what petty sins you had during your life. God doesn't throw people away into hell, true love is without limit and condition, and God is this true love.

I hope you find the strength to endure this difficult time, and I hope you can find peace with the situation eventually.

I was with my father at his passing twentyfive years ago and I was alone with my mother in law when she passed a couple of months ago. I felt it was an honor to be there at their passing. I know when their spirits left them. It was a very spiritual experience for me. I would not hesitate to do it again. I lost my fear of death when I was with my father. I believe the NDE experiences also.

reply to post by PatrickGarrow17


I am very sorry for you my friend. My blessings go out to you...
Not much I can say can comfort you. Because it is an experience we all must face. Death really is the deepest suffering we have to all come to grips with. But really death is the greatest illusion in life. All religions/spirituality exist because of death because without death their would be no need. Even the greatest spiritual leaders/avatars had to give up their physical bodies. Really the only death is the ego death. When buddha realized his enlightenment he said that was his only death. When he died he told his disciple Anada, Why are you crying? I died 40 years ago. Jesus himself rose after death, but really he died when he received the spirit of god. He became god or realized god only then.
There is nothing to do but to let go in the end. All our suffering is because we can't let go. Letting go is the hardest thing in life. Life is like the moon and death the reflection off the water. The reflection may disappear but the moon is still there. I hope some of it helps. I wish you the best...