Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Let's explain the backstory before I get too deeply mired in the absolute unreasonable bullcrap that is the problem I'm about to present to you.

I have a buddy, whom we'll call...Buddy. I've known him for several months, we're great pals. We do almost everything together, just because neither of us likes to be alone. We like company, and we suit each other just fine. So recently, a woman shows up in the picture and needs help, because her sh***y attitude always attracts trouble and she can do no wrong, and if she ever does, she acts all victimized and knows how toplay the damsel pretty good. I'm not an idiot (pretty intelligent for my age) so it's like watching a 5 year old act like a grown up. Cute, but it gets really old, really fast.

So, he likes this chick, whom we'll call....Chick. So, Buddy and Chick get along just great. Why? Because he's not the best looking, and she knows that if she treats him like he's worth something, she can walk all over him like a welcome mat. And he isn't willing to let go of her because she has nice knockers and actually looks kinda okay for her age, and as I said, she milks his conscience and nice-guy-ism to the point that he's helpless around her.

Alright. So we've had her living with us before. Not my property, I don't have anywhere else to go, I can't do crap. Oh, but she ticks me off immediately. Just breaking all sorts of rules that we set in place before she even arrives, then she bats her lashes and "Oh, it's alright." He apologizes to HER. Eventually, she gets sick of me and leaves.

So all's good, right?

NO.

Once again, ever the fairweather friend of temperamental wandering, she comes back and Buddy melts straight back into the old-style mat-mode. Only this time, I ain't putting up with it. I don't want to, I'm not going to. So, before I take the back of my hand to the See-You-Next-Tuesday, and then do something I MIGHT regret (no promises) I'd like to ask the ATS opinion on this.

Is it time to take a hike? Or should I try and convince him yet again? Should I sit down with her? She listens about as well as a brick wall, and she's twice as helpful (only for repelling people or attracting vagrants).

What's the ATS poll on this?

He'll never listen. The pattern is set. Relationships are what they are. They don't change. Leave for your own sanity. You'll get nothing but grief if you stay. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

reply to post by schuyler

Leave for your own sanity. You'll get nothing but grief if you stay.

Spread your wings and fly away....far far away...

They are mired in a revolving door dysfunctional relationship. It's best, if you can, to move on. At least that will preserve your friendship with Buddy. As long as Buddy has goo goo eyes for Chick...she'll use that to her advantage, whenever she deems necessary. Why put yourself through anymore crappola. You have it figured out...now focus on what you want to do, instead of trying to reestablish the *old* status-quo with Buddy. Sounds like you may be ready for a change anyway.

Good Luck...

Des

reply to post by AfterInfinity


Alright firstly, that was entertaining as hell .

To the serious stuff, you probably owe it to your buddy to let him know she's just conning him.

You could also confront her and tell her that you know what's going on and won't stand for it.

Seems like you have the proper attitude regarding it though, I would not put up with that crap either.

~Tenth

reply to post by Destinyone


On a related topic...

Sounds like you may be ready for a change anyway.

What do you mean by this, exactly?

reply to post by AfterInfinity


hhmmm....

sleep with her ,and then tell him she just isn't worth his time or effort ..

kidding...sorta...

He won't give up on her until his eyes are opened for himself, and it will take a big dose of reality to do that.
I say stick around, and avoid her...and see how things play out.

You sort of have to try and be a good bud, to someone who has rose colored glasses on right now, and you can't take them off for him....he has to decide to do that himself. So being a good bud, stick around and sort of help him out from the background during his temporary blindness of reality.

Originally posted by AfterInfinity
reply to post by Destinyone

 

On a related topic...

Sounds like you may be ready for a change anyway.

What do you mean by this, exactly?

I mean...life is as exciting as you make it. Sometimes, the Universe is giving us subtle hints that it's time to do something different. If, Chick has a free pass to walk in and crap on your cake, whenever she feels like it. And, Buddy just sits in awe of her, no matter what she does...maybe it's time to use your energies to see what else the Universe has in store for you. That is all I was saying. It's quite obvious to me, you are intelligent, articulate seemingly a people person, why stay in a downer situation. Especially one, that does seem to have a free pass revolving door, that impedes on your home comfort zone.

You asked for our opinions in your OP...this is only mine.

Des

reply to post by tothetenthpower


Oh, I have. But then he just gets emotionally pressured, takes off, breaks down crying, whatever. You gotta understand, this guy has been looking for love for a very long time, and it's taking a toll on him. He's been divorced, his ex-wife broke it to him while he was getting schooling for a better job to support the family, yada yada. He's had a difficult life, and he's only 30.

I've talked to her before, because we had to get something done, and she was completely unprepared. We spent 3 days preparing for the event, and when the news came, we were down and ready to rumble. I'm that kind of person. Something needs to be done, I leave my heart in the dust and hand the wheel to my brain. Works easiest like that. She...well, she kinda gives me a run for my money, in that she yells and screams and blablabla blibbity blah you're a brat you are so self-righteous and stuck up and all this nonsense.

I stood there looking at her and was like, "Are you done yet?" She was blue in the face and not one thing done. I was all for leaving her (this was when we were moving) but no, Buddy couldn't.

So see, the problem isn't her...it's Buddy. It's his attachment issues. Maybe he's reminded of his ex-wife, or something? I don't know, but he has a girlfriend in North Carolina, which makes me wonder why he's even bothering with Chick.

It's complicated, but I'm about to Chuck Norris this s**t and uncomplicate it at the speed of one foot in front of the other until the moon comes home.

I've been in a one way relationship (purely friendship, not romantic) before. I spent years in it hoping that the guy would change. As it turns out he really had no real respect for me and only hung around me because we shared similar interests. He always made demand on me but never really returned anything and always balked when I told him that he was treating me with disrespect. I stayed hoping things would change, but when certain kinds of people feel they are totally justified in the self egotism, they never change their mind. So eventually I left him and won't hang around him any more.

After that, I vowed I would never be in such a one way relationship of any sort, regardless of how I might feel of another person.

A mutual relationship is built on respect and trust and doesn't have any double standards, in which all rules set are obeyed by all parties involved. It's not one person being the alpha male and saying crap like "do as I say not as I do".

So, take that for what you will.

It's best to just avoid those kinds of people and leave them to their own devices. You'll only make yourself miserable hoping for anything different because usually nothing changes.

However, if he sincerely comes to realize it on his own, you should be there for him

reply to post by EvilSadamClone


I was...the first time. There's no excuse this time.

reply to post by tothetenthpower

To the serious stuff, you probably owe it to your buddy to let him know she's just conning him.

Been there and done that.
The friend will just resent him until she leaves and Buddy figures it out on his own later.

When a Buddy is in a situation like that,say nothing or you might get a hatful of resentment until its over.
He is too whipped to listen to his friend.
He will start to see him as the enemy(especially if she starts filling his head if she finds out) even though he might be right and telling the truth.

Edit
I just read your reply to Tenth and I think my point is made there.

reply to post by AfterInfinity


If that's the case then nevermind that nose, you aren't responsible or other people's problems

It's not like you guys can't be friends if you don't live together either, so that should not affect your friendship.

~Tenth

reply to post by tothetenthpower


I live with him. That's the problem.

Guess I should find another place...

reply to post by tothetenthpower


That's what I was saying. If the OP decides to move out because of the stressful situation. At least he has maintained his friendship with Buddy.

Des

reply to post by Destinyone


That's the long term question. If this happens here, what other reactions to people or females are going to cause a problem? Especially if he starts clinging to them, or they cling to him...he's so starved for affection (he's got some psych issues, nothing too bad) that he wouldn't even mind.

I think there's a couple of hidden rats in that thurr basement...

Well, I've given him a choice already, quite a few days ago. I told him it was her or me. I do believe he's chosen her, so we'll work from there.

It's been a fairly unanimous shout from you guys that I need to get the hell out of dodge, so I think I'll take that into some deep consideration while I contemplate exactly where I'm going to go. Thanks for your advice, I just hope it won't get harder from this point.

I like Buddy a lot, and I hate to see this happen to him, just as I hate to do this to him. I was one of his greatest friends, and he's about to lose that because of some dumbs**t girl who has no respect for anyone but herself.

I hate to do it...but I have to live for me sometimes. I have to look out for myself, even if I have to walk away from him. That's all there is to it.

Thanks, ATS.

Originally posted by AfterInfinity
reply to post by Destinyone

 

That's the long term question. If this happens here, what other reactions to people or females are going to cause a problem? Especially if he starts clinging to them, or they cling to him...he's so starved for affection (he's got some psych issues, nothing too bad) that he wouldn't even mind.

I think there's a couple of hidden rats in that thurr basement...

Pardon me for saying so, but it sounds like you are a tad bit clingy too. Okay, I have a different take than most of the others posting here.

Maybe you should move out and concentrate on yourself. While I don't deny your observations about the rather crudely named "Chick," it seems to me like your dependence on Buddy and your aversion to being alone might be somewhat unhealthy.

Having "rules" before Buddy's lady friend comes over, in all honesty, sounds a little desperate and…well, childish when you are the one living in his place. Frankly, it sounds like what "couples" sometimes do. It's a very "dependent" way to attempt to solve issues.

Learn to be more okay with--and being--by yourself and let Buddy's relationship run it's course and you can be there to pick up the pieces should his heart get broken.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but hey; I've had (have) my own share of issues, so I ain't trying to preach from a lofty pulpit so to speak.

Originally posted by The GUT

Originally posted by AfterInfinity
reply to post by Destinyone

 

That's the long term question. If this happens here, what other reactions to people or females are going to cause a problem? Especially if he starts clinging to them, or they cling to him...he's so starved for affection (he's got some psych issues, nothing too bad) that he wouldn't even mind.

I think there's a couple of hidden rats in that thurr basement...

Pardon me for saying so, but it sounds like you are a tad bit clingy too. Okay, I have a different take than most of the others posting here.

Maybe you should move out and concentrate on yourself. While I don't deny your observations about the rather crudely named "Chick," it seems to me like your dependence on Buddy and your aversion to being alone might be somewhat unhealthy.

Having "rules" before Buddy's lady friend comes over, in all honesty, sounds a little desperate and…well, childish when you are the one living in his place. Frankly, it sounds like what "couples" sometimes do. It's a very "dependent" way to attempt to solve issues.

Learn to be more okay with--and being--by yourself and let Buddy's relationship run it's course and you can be there to pick up the pieces should his heart get broken.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but hey; I've had (have) my own share of issues, so I ain't trying to preach from a lofty pulpit so to speak.

The voice of wisdom speaks.. bravo.

You make great sense, and I feel badly for making some of the suggestions I made.

Your posts are always a pleasure to read , I might add.

Schuyler gave you some priceless advise. The others did as well, but well.. Im partial to Schuyler for my own reasons.

There will be no good that will come from this situation for you, much less "Buddy". Some folks have to learn the hard way though. When he gets crushed.. and he will.. be there for him. He's gonna need you.