This isn't a rant, but I didn't know where else to put it. And I have to let it out...I have to let the world see it. It's the least I deserve for
that one vicious act, many years ago...
I have a sin to confess, the only one I will ever ask forgiveness for. Every other horrible thing I've done in my life, I've had a justification
for...but somehow, for this one act, I can't find any good reason. And it causes me pain. I am someone who can usually shrug off my mistakes, who can
admit when I'm wrong and move on. But this holds me back, in some way. And I wish I could fix it.
This one thing I regret, is so small...and yet so significant, when you look at how I view the world now. It's so brutal, unlike what I've tried to
become since then. It was barbaric behavior, and I felt dirty...but as I grew to understand the world more, the exact implications of what I'd done
have hit me.
What did I do? I killed an animal...a small bird that couldn't fly. I was a child. It had a broken wing or something...I walked up and it couldn't
escape. I picked it up, and...looked at it, and...I tried to feed it. It wouldn't eat. I was frustrated...I was trying to help it and it wouldn't eat!
So...I pulled its head...further...and further...and SNAP. It died. It was so simple. So helpless. So weak. But I could have saved it somehow, I could
have made a difference in one small innocent creature's life...and I chose the human way of handling things. I killed it. I made a horrible,
repugnant, disgusting mistake, and I fear that I will never be able to rectify or make amends for it.
I try to express the value of nature, the value of love and life...and yet, I killed this small, innocent creature, the exact opposite of what humans
have become. This bird is what we should have been, and I think that's why my actions repulse me. That bird was what we should have been, as a
race...and I killed it. I killed that free, innocent, wild, wise perfection, that ideal. I killed it.
Why? Because I thought I had no choice. And yet, I know if I had thought deeper...if I had had the strength to ask someone, anyone, for help...I might
have saved that bird. And that would have made all the difference... ALL THE DIFFERENCE...in the world to me. To have saved one, innocent, helpless,
perfect little creature. I could have played God, had all the wonderful ecstasy of that power.... and made the RIGHT CHOICE. Every wrong thing I had
done would have been redeemed in my heart. To my dying day, it would have been the best thing I had ever done, the kindest act I had ever
committed...I could save a bus full of children, and it would have been nothing to that bird.
Because birds are pure until the day they fall from the sky. I could have saved that. I could have given it a second chance. I had the choice...
But I didn't. And my sins are unredeemed. And that choice...that choice...it haunts me. It haunts me still. I go on and on about choice, about how we
must CHOOSE to follow the path of love. And yet, in the moment when it truly mattered to me...
I didn't. Could I be forgiven? Is it possible? Should
I be forgiven, for this one act? This is the only act I want forgiveness for...and I
fear I will never be forgiven...not for my sake, but for that bird's. I want to be forgiven for that bird's sake. That tiny innocent creature...it
never deserved to die. And yet I made it happen. I removed all choice and reward, all justice and destiny, from the equation. That day, I was a
monster. A terrible, cruel monster.
And I am truly sorry for it.
This is my one, single, greatest regret in my life. What's yours?
edit on CTuesdaypm282812f12America/Chicago06 by Starchild23 because: (no reason given)