My Greatest Regret

This isn't a rant, but I didn't know where else to put it. And I have to let it out...I have to let the world see it. It's the least I deserve for that one vicious act, many years ago...

I have a sin to confess, the only one I will ever ask forgiveness for. Every other horrible thing I've done in my life, I've had a justification for...but somehow, for this one act, I can't find any good reason. And it causes me pain. I am someone who can usually shrug off my mistakes, who can admit when I'm wrong and move on. But this holds me back, in some way. And I wish I could fix it.

This one thing I regret, is so small...and yet so significant, when you look at how I view the world now. It's so brutal, unlike what I've tried to become since then. It was barbaric behavior, and I felt dirty...but as I grew to understand the world more, the exact implications of what I'd done have hit me.

What did I do? I killed an animal...a small bird that couldn't fly. I was a child. It had a broken wing or something...I walked up and it couldn't escape. I picked it up, and...looked at it, and...I tried to feed it. It wouldn't eat. I was frustrated...I was trying to help it and it wouldn't eat! So...I pulled its head...further...and further...and SNAP. It died. It was so simple. So helpless. So weak. But I could have saved it somehow, I could have made a difference in one small innocent creature's life...and I chose the human way of handling things. I killed it. I made a horrible, repugnant, disgusting mistake, and I fear that I will never be able to rectify or make amends for it.

I try to express the value of nature, the value of love and life...and yet, I killed this small, innocent creature, the exact opposite of what humans have become. This bird is what we should have been, and I think that's why my actions repulse me. That bird was what we should have been, as a race...and I killed it. I killed that free, innocent, wild, wise perfection, that ideal. I killed it.

Why? Because I thought I had no choice. And yet, I know if I had thought deeper...if I had had the strength to ask someone, anyone, for help...I might have saved that bird. And that would have made all the difference... ALL THE DIFFERENCE...in the world to me. To have saved one, innocent, helpless, perfect little creature. I could have played God, had all the wonderful ecstasy of that power.... and made the RIGHT CHOICE. Every wrong thing I had done would have been redeemed in my heart. To my dying day, it would have been the best thing I had ever done, the kindest act I had ever committed...I could save a bus full of children, and it would have been nothing to that bird.

Because birds are pure until the day they fall from the sky. I could have saved that. I could have given it a second chance. I had the choice...

But I didn't. And my sins are unredeemed. And that choice...that choice...it haunts me. It haunts me still. I go on and on about choice, about how we must CHOOSE to follow the path of love. And yet, in the moment when it truly mattered to me...

I didn't. Could I be forgiven? Is it possible? Should I be forgiven, for this one act? This is the only act I want forgiveness for...and I fear I will never be forgiven...not for my sake, but for that bird's. I want to be forgiven for that bird's sake. That tiny innocent creature...it never deserved to die. And yet I made it happen. I removed all choice and reward, all justice and destiny, from the equation. That day, I was a monster. A terrible, cruel monster.

And I am truly sorry for it.

This is my one, single, greatest regret in my life. What's yours?




Namaste

I pulled its head...further...and further...and SNAP. It died. It was so simple. So helpless. So weak

The neck could've been already damaged , from the trauma before , You just happen to come alone , and snap it back and didn't even notice the damage before.

Secondly you might of put it out of its misery , if it wasn't eating could've been lots of pain. You sent him to birdie heaven early , and without needless suffering! So good job

Whats my regret? plenty. lol

another time though

People kill perfectly healthy birds every day. You humanely killed a bird that was probably going to be eaten alive by ants. You're not evil, get over it.

Originally posted by goochball
People kill perfectly healthy birds every day. You humanely killed a bird that was probably going to be eaten alive by ants. You're not evil, get over it.

I know I'm not evil. My regret tells me that much.

But I had to confess. I needed to let the world know my horrible, horrible act.

I think your post is wonderful and refreshing. My hat is off to you for baring your soul. It takes a lot of courage to do that.
I on the otherhand will not share my one life's regret here on ATS because for me, its not the place to do so, however I am resigned to reconsiling this with my maker or a sponser, either one is fine with me, but s&f for sharing with us, thank you!

Originally posted by Starchild23


I have a sin to confess, the only one I will ever ask forgiveness for.




Namaste

edit on CTuesdaypm282812f12America/Chicago06 by Starchild23 because: (no reason given)

I confess I haven't been as critical as I've wished to have been regarding funky ideas expressed by religious people.

My take on this is that you were a child, and children cannot be expected to make humane, moral decisions. That bird was put in your path in order for you to learn kindness, ethical behavior, and to set your moral compass right. You can't change the past, you can only learn from it.

I have many regrets, too many to recount on this thread. One thing I have learned in life is, you will never regret being kind, but you will always regret being cruel.

By the way, decisions made concerning life and death while made trying to save a life is nothing to regret. My intuition on this tells me you saved that bird from a good deal of suffuring.

A broken wing is a slow and painful death for a bird. That injury is generally unfixable, and if they do live, they can never fly again. Although you feel terrible about it, you saved the bird from a long painful death. Also, you were a child when this occurred and really that is something I think a lot of children have done. It was an accident, and it was just from being a child with strong emotions. I don't see it as murder, it was an accident. intentionally shooting it, throwing a rock at it, or catching it just to harm it would have been something to be upset over, but not an accident.

When I read this, I was thinking about all the hunter who hunt for sport, not for food. That is something I can never understand. Why kill something just to kill it. Hunters always seem to have the attitude that it's justified, but in truth it isn't.

Once I ran over a frog with my car, and I actually got very upset over it, I didn't see it until the last minute and when I turned a little to miss it,I guess it jumped and well...got mushed. I just said out loud to myself that I was so sorry for hitting it. I still think about it, but it was an accident. I say you need to let go of the regret and guilt you feel over it, maybe do something a little symbolic in it's honor. Keeping it pinned up in your heart isn't good.

Originally posted by satron

Originally posted by Starchild23


I have a sin to confess, the only one I will ever ask forgiveness for.




Namaste

edit on CTuesdaypm282812f12America/Chicago06 by Starchild23 because: (no reason given)

I confess I haven't been as critical as I've wished to have been regarding funky ideas expressed by religious people.

Ok, your cruelty toward someones regrets are uncalled for. Grow a heart and join the rest of humanity. You may find a good deal more joy in life doing so.

reply to post by Starchild23


You said,
"I chose the human way of handling things. I killed it."
Are you meaning human or humane?
They can mean two exact opposites.
All that you did was speed up a process that was going to happen, nothing wrong with that as it is humane.
In nature sometimes other creatures will come upon a helpless animal and eat it alive, now a quick snap is a far sight better than that for sure.

reply to post by Starchild23


I've got a big regret - also from my childhood.

I was in second grade It was in the late 1960s in the South. There was only one black child in my class. Her name was Rita - a very quiet shy girl who had no friends. One day, one of my friend's purse had been stolen. There were several of us girls standing around talking about it. One girl said, "I'm sure Rita took it." I asked her why she thought that. The girl said, "Because she is a ni**er, and everyone know ni**ers steal."

I had never encountered racism up until that point, so I had no idea what she was talking about. When I got home from school, I asked my mom about it. She tried to explain the whole black experience to me, and what racism was, and why it was wrong. My mom was very liberal for a woman of her generation in the South. I didn't really understand it, but I did feel sorry for Rita because she had no friends.

Back at school, the girls would taunt poor Rita. They would call her names and push her away if she accidentally got too close to one of them. She was such a quiet girl, and never caused any trouble. My big regret is that I never came to her defense, or befriended her. I never joined in on the taunting/bullying, but I didn't defend her either. I remember seeing her sitting by herself at recess, just watching us playing and having fun. I was too afraid of what the other girls would think of me, so I stayed away from her.

I think back on that poor little child - how hard it must have been for her to be so alone at that school - it breaks my heart today. I wish I had had the guts to stand up for her then, and maybe show her a little kindness.

There is one bright spot to this story- thanks to my mom. On my eighth birthday, my mom planned a big birthday party for me, inviting every girl in my class - including Rita. My mom's an artist, so she designed and hand-painted customized invitations that had little princesses in the likeness of each girl in my class. My mom told me later that Rita's mom called my mom to personally thank her for inviting Rita to the party. She said that Rita was SO excited to have been invited (her first invitation to a party, of course) that she slept with the invitation under her pillow every night. She would stare at that invitation constantly, because the princess looked just like her!

My mom had all these cool party games for us to play, and she was sure to include Rita in all of them. The funny thing was, the girls forgot to be mean to Rita during all the game-playing. For a couple of hours that Saturday afternoon, she was just "one of the girls".

We moved after I finished 3rd grade, so I don't know what happened to Rita. I hope she's well and happy. If I could see her now, I would tell her how sorry I am that I didn't treat her better.

Funny I just posted something about forgiveness....

My thoughts are:

Forgive yourself.

Whether you saved the bird from suffering or not, you still killed it.

And you deeply regret it.

If you did not regret it, I'd be a bit worried, but you sound like you have really suffered on some emotional level because of this and perhaps have suffered more emotionally than the bird ever did physically.

and as I said in my other post emotional baggage sux and the longer you carry it the heavier it gets. You sound like this has bothered you a long time.

You were a child, you got frustrated, Kids get frustrated, you did not know at that age a better way of handling your frustration..... It reminds me of the Jesus saying "forgive him for he knows not what he does" ....don't mean to get all preachy but it fits.

did you really mean to kill the bird? Was your heart full of hate? Was your intention To kill the creature? Doesn't sound like it to me unless I missed something.....

The thing that separates you from a monster/serial killer in the making is that the little future serial killer kid kills a creature on purpose, enjoys seeing it die and feels zero remorse for killing it.

You are definetly not a monster because of this.

You actually sound like a very sensitive person, someone who really takes things to heart. That is a very good quality in my mind. Don't lose that quality, it is very beautiful IMO.

I kind of hate to say it, but I think it's an indication of shallowness that you find that act your greatest regret. You've somehow found "justification" for your other acts, which I would imagine include people?

I grew up in hunting country and could never get into it, although I'm an above average marksman. But, I did kill a red bird with a BB gun one day that truly affected me and, yes, it bothers me still.

I'll never forget it's red, red blood mixing with it's red, red feathers and--like you--I feel guilt. Even today, from that lesson learned, I'll put a spider--or even a cockroach--out before I'll kill it. So I think I know what you're getting at.

But I much more mourn the pain I've inflicted here and there against folk I've loved. Probably you're a lot better person than I've been, but I also know human nature and ego and such.

Of course we mourn the birds...but do we mourn our fellow human-beings?

That's all????

When I was six I found some liquid starch beneath the kitchen sink, filled up a plastic squirt gun, and sprayed ants on the front porch to watch them stiffen up. I went to the swamp near my house and filled a glass jar with polliwogs. Needless to say, they never turned into frogs.

But that's nothing. I was a typical young liberal. Before my first wife and I were married she got pregnant, so we decided she could get an abortion because the timing was wrong.

Now THAT I regret.

that is one of the most barbaric and evil acts i have ever read on ats. my stomach was turning and was revolted.

i vomited for 15 mins, then had a shot of whiskey to calm down. i have gathered my nerves, but my index finger is still twitching from the anger and rage that overcame me when i read on how you massacred that bird.

stalins purge of the ukraine, pol pots massacre of the cambodian people and the killing fields which he left littered with the remains of brutally killed human beings and hitlers third reich are insignificant to you instinctively putting an injured bird to rest.

your act of mercy on one of God's wounded creatures makes me sick.

reply to post by kaylaluv
You should have "luv" in your screen-name. God bless your mother too. May all of our regrets lead us into the state that creates new beings.

Thank you for sharing that.

Originally posted by twohawks

Originally posted by satron

Originally posted by Starchild23


I have a sin to confess, the only one I will ever ask forgiveness for.




Namaste

edit on CTuesdaypm282812f12America/Chicago06 by Starchild23 because: (no reason given)

I confess I haven't been as critical as I've wished to have been regarding funky ideas expressed by religious people.

Ok, your cruelty toward someones regrets are uncalled for. Grow a heart and join the rest of humanity. You may find a good deal more joy in life doing so.

It's not uncalled for, it was a question he asked, and I answered it, and it's genuine. Sorry if you that isn't your sort of thing. I think a lot of humanity would agree with me. I could feel guilty for injuring an animal, but I won't go as far to say it was a sin, especially given the situation. I'm pretty sure I'd feel a lot better not beating myself down like that, thank you.

Mistakes are opportunities to learn.

You are human and humans make mistakes. The real question is can you let the experience change for the better?

Based on the regret in your story, I think you have done just that.

reply to post by randomname


Yes, it was a mercy killing.

Funny how that works huh?

I had to go through that same dilemma not too long ago, and it was ripping me apart. No sane person wants or intends to kill an animal just for the purpose of seeing it die.

But sometimes death is a fate far better than a life of suffering. Paradox!

Or file that under "god works in mysterious ways" if you are the religious type.

Him accidentally killing that bird might have been the hand of god moving through him to put the bird out of its misery......how would we really ever know?