5 Reasons Not to Trust Women who Tell Men What 5 Things Not To Say to Women

5 Things Not to Say to Divorced Moms

This being written by Jacqueline Burt of CafeMom's blog, alas no advice on what not to say to divorced dads. Presumably CafeDad's blog will take care of that for all of us who've been wondering what it is we should say to divorced people once they're divorced.

1. What happened to their dad?


This one drives me nuts for several reasons. First of all, depending on who's doing the asking, it's usually none of their business. Plus, the question implies that you're a single mom because you were either abandoned or widowed or otherwise rendered powerless to change your fate. What happened to their dad? He fell in love with the nanny and ran away with her ... he had a "spiritual awakening" and went to live on an ashram. Whatever your answer, it's expected to be a variation on "something happened to make him not want to be married to me anymore and that's why I'm a single mom." It's sexist, quite frankly.

That final sentence of Burt's gives clue as to whom she believes is asking this "inappropriate" question too much. It is, more than likely those big dumb awkward men who are asking at least one divorced mom what happened to the father. Of course, it is very likely - given the increasing numbers of divorce - that big dumb awkward men everywhere are asking divorced moms what happened to their children's dad. Where Burt may see this as being none of the men who ask business, those men don't know its not their business until Burt points it out to them, and if she can't understand that most men asking such a question are trying to determine just how manageable sex with Burt would be, then Burt just doesn't understand the complexity of big dumb awkward men.

2. How are the kids dealing with everything?

From the patronizingly pitying facial expressions that accompany this question, I'd say "everything" is a code word for "the chaos and instability of your fractured family's home life." So things never get chaotic in a home with two parents, is that right? Spare me the dime store pediatric psychology. There is no reason to assume my children are any less well-adjusted than anyone else's simply because I'm divorced.

Again, if this is a man asking this question, it has the same motive as the first question and that motive is sex. Since her kids factor into that equation the man desiring sex with the divorced mother needs to know how much of a problem her kids are going to be towards this goal. Of course, if the man asking such questions has no chance of having sex with the divorced mom and he hasn't figured it out by the response to the first question, he will usually figure it out by the response to this question.

3. Does their father help you out?
I'm never quite sure if this is an inquiry as to the exact dollar amount and frequency of mandated child support payments or just a way for people to say, "I can tell you're poor because you have that beat-up old car and your clothes look like they came off the clearance rack ... I just want to know how poor, so I can feel better about my two-income household."

If some man is asking a divorced woman this question it is because he is either too dense at this moment to realize she is not interested in him, she has been to vague in her communication that he has no chance of sex, or finally, for whatever reasons the divorced mom finds the big dumb awkward guy attractive and his single minded pursuit of sex might be realized if he plays his cards right. Whatever of the three it may be, the man is asking this question because he is becoming more confident that his desires exist within the realm of probability and now he is figuring out the logistics of it. He needs to know how often this other guy - the ex-husband - skulks around the house "helping out".

4. Oh, that's a shame.

It is? Being a divorced single mother is a shame? Whose shame? Not mine. Again, even if this isn't intended to be a slight, the direct translation is: "Oh, too bad your life sucks." Who said my life sucks?

Yeah...I listen to your argument here Jacqueline Burt and all I can do is shake my head sadly and say: Oh, that's a shame.

I suppose being divorced would not be a shame if that was the planned exit strategy when you made the contract of marriage. If divorce was all part of the plan when getting married, then job well done! Nothing to be ashamed of at all. Divorce has become as common day as margarine and artificial sweeteners and yet here we are in 2012 and some woman is ranting about how people make her feel ashamed to be divorced but she bravely argues there is no shame in failing to honor a contract that was far more binding than she wants to admit in this rant.

Perhaps there should be an exit strategy built into the design of marriage. Perhaps humanity's proclivity to live longer has placed too much strain upon the institution of marriage and there needs to be some design changes to adjust for humanity's longer life spans. Maybe there are plenty of good reasons as to why so many people are getting divorced today and maybe there is no shame in it, but a marriage is certainly a contract and if divorce is not a breach of that contract then it must be an exit strategy built into that contract.

Buried deep beneath some bloggers rant about people who ask - at the very least - 5 inappropriate questions since her divorce is the festering wound of a broken marriage and in that wound lies the microcosmic pulse of the battle between the sexes. This is the most ancient and never resolved war between men and women that has been fought since time immemorial. Jacqueline Burt didn't want to blog about marriage in disrepair this day, nor did she want to even scratch the surface of the tension between men and women. Instead, Jacqueline Burt sought to dictate to us what we should not say to divorced moms, and herein lies the rub; it is that power Jacqueline Burt seeks, it is that power she more than likely felt she had surrendered to her husband - now ex - it is the struggle for power for both men and women that corrupts our best intentions.

No, there is probably nothing to be ashamed of about getting a divorce, but there is probably nothing at all to be proud of either.

Usually our relationships fail because we have never been able to move past the power struggle and instead of a strong alliance forming we draw sharp distinctions as to who are enemies are. In a marriage, neither one should have to surrender their power to the other, and both become the couple only when both have learned how to share their power. More, of course, goes into a marriage than the sharing of power, but this power struggle can often times be the main source of agitation between men and women.

Lord Acton once said that power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. I would like to add that absolute corruption in a marriage got that way because of both parties. Shared power is usually the best strategy to keeping power from corruption. Successful marriages are those where both have learned to share their power. That is something to be proud of. My guess is that people can get away with saying more of what they want to happily married couples than they can divorced singles. Either way, figuring out the other sex just ain't that easy.

Maybe there a lot of people that just shouldn't get married in the first place.

Seems like many people get married for completely wrong reasons, and it blows up in their faces, male and female alike.

That was 4. This is one line, cheeky.

reply to post by Jean Paul Zodeaux


Picking up moms was my specialty

I got 3 in my high school career

6. How long were you not putting out for before you got divorced?
7. How much money did you get from him or how much do you get in child support?
8. How much bad stuff do you say about your childrens dad to them?

How'bout I dont trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die.

Star and Flag.

The linked article should read:

Top 5 things not to say to a insecure, self-conscience woman who separated from her husband but must now doubt her decision."

Of course that doesn't make it okay. If you're not a single mom, you might be shocked to hear how nosy and insensitive even perfect strangers can be. If you are a single mom, you've no doubt heard most of these yourself.

Oh shame on those vile troglodytes that were just trying to get to know you...

How many times has a girl asked if I have a "baby Momma"? (excuse the colloquialism)

Everytime.

It's called getting to know someone. If I answered "yes" to that question, there would be a couple rounds of follow up questions because they would want to know what kind of person I am. You can gauge a person by the choices they made in life. And whether the end goal is a one-night stand, or a long life of commitment, these things come into play. Although, as a one-night is concerned, it's better to keep things lighthearted and shallow.



Eat it lady.

I just try not to speak to old bags with a brood of some other dude's kids. I'm not picking up someone else's tab, you harpy. I'll stick with the younger ones without attached baggage.

Oh that's a shame. Yes, apparently, her life sucks and she doesn't want anyone to point it out to her.

Most divorces are initiated by the woman. She is so "strong and independent". How's that working out for ya?

Ahem, I'm sorry to point out the obvious to you, but since we seem all clouded over with the red mist, I feel the need to point out that your headline is rubbish.
She is not just telling men, she's pointing it out to people in general. Even women say the same things to other women in conversation. It's not all about you and your little gender trip, sorry again boys.
We don't want to be asked these question because generally we don't feel like recounting our lives to all unsundry, nor are we enamoured with the faux sympathy and further enquiry people seem hellbent on spewing.

Now that's covered, I'll let you all get back to that circlejerk of yours.
Enjoy.

Originally posted by Suspiria
She is not just telling men, she's pointing it out to people in general. Even women say the same things to other women in conversation. It's not all about you and your little gender trip, sorry again boys.
We don't want to be asked these question because generally we don't feel like recounting our lives to all unsundry, nor are we enamoured with the faux sympathy and further enquiry people seem hellbent on spewing.

You know, the more of your posts that I read the more I like you. I saw my child's father for the first time since I had to get the police involved, last week. The moment I laid eyes on him I wished I owned a sword and could chop him up into tiny little pieces to feed to the pigs. But, I smiled genially, made polite conversation, all for the benefit of our child, who I don't think should be party to the mistakes of his parents, and shouldn't feel as though he can't love his father. Then I closed the door and discreetly threw up my lunch, had a damn good cry, and went back to enjoying my life. All without my son knowing a thing.

If any man should want to get into my knickers and then chooses to question me about my prior relationship with the father of my child, such as the OP proposes, then he should bear in mind that it is the equivalent of throwing ice cold water on burning coals...and that I am likely to need to excuse myself in order to vomit.

Thanks Suspiria, you serve wisdom just how I need it

Originally posted by Suspiria
Ahem, I'm sorry to point out the obvious to you, but since we seem all clouded over with the red mist, I feel the need to point out that your headline is rubbish.

The headline of the thread is not rubbish. men - people. Okay, you have that point.

She is not just telling men, she's pointing it out to people in general. Even women say the same things to other women in conversation. It's not all about you and your little gender trip, sorry again boys.

Us men are responding from our viewpoint. But I see your point nonetheless.

We don't want to be asked these question because generally we don't feel like recounting our lives to all unsundry, nor are we enamoured with the faux sympathy and further enquiry people seem hellbent on spewing.

I'm not a single parent, yet I still recount my life to people. There is no shame in letting people know something about yourself. Especially if you are proud of the decisions you made, whether or not they be socially acceptable.

Now that's covered, I'll let you all get back to that circlejerk of yours.
Enjoy.

edit on 17-2-2012 by Suspiria because: (no reason given)

Thank you, because a fine circle jerk it was before you came to break up the party.

reply to post by Suspiria


While you were so busy "pointing out the obvious" you missed the obvious. While Jacqueline Burt may have been addressing "People" in general, and in general her advice may be good advice for other women, it is horrible advice for men. At least men who are actually having a conversation with a divorced mother because they are interested in dating that woman. Especially single men who are marriage minded! These single men should ignore Jacqueline Burt's "advice" at all cost and keep asking that divorced mother what happened to the kids father, how the kids are dealing with it all, if the father is still "helping out" and if this woman reject that man, he is certainly entitled to say "oh, that's a shame", or even if this man decides that woman is too casual about marriage, he again is certainly entitled to say; "oh, that's a shame".

I wonder if Jacqueline Burt wrote a blog after she first got married writing about the 5 things "people" shouldn't say to women who just got married? I wonder if this is her specialty, to blog about all the things "people" shouldn't say to women.

I think any man interested enough in divorced mother to ask the questions Jacqueline Burt insists he shouldn't ask deserves far more credit than being dismissed as just another man in a circle jerk. Certainly this thread has seemed to attract those fools, but let's not assume that because in the O.P. I reduced men down to their simplest desire and their singular motive to produce wealth, which is generally sex with a woman, that this undermines the genuine intent of some poor slob who is attracted to a divorced mother and is himself marriage minded and monogamous. If that poor slob winds up getting involved with a woman whose ex-husband is still very much in the picture, whose children are still upset about the divorce, and the woman sees no shame in divorce for any reason, in retrospect he may wish he had asked five little questions before getting involved to begin with...or four questions as it were.

In this battle between the sexes it is easy to interpret the simplicity of men as being simple minded. Even in spite of thousands and thousands of years of historical documents to the contrary, all too often women view men as simple minded. On a purely sexual basis it could be easily reduced to this: Men are stupid and women are psychic. Men, can be out on a date with a woman and no matter how well they dress up, no matter how charming they might be, no matter how much money they spend, they do not know if they're going to have sex with that woman up until that moment where they either have the sex or are turned away by the woman. Women, on the other hand, on that same date, know far sooner than the man does if he is going to have sex with her.

The power struggle between men and women begins early on and it is every bit as biological as it is environmental. A marriage is that truce between individual powers and the struggle for power no longer matters as the union of the two and their shared power is far greater than either could achieve individually. Under this view marriage is sacred. That point was made in the O.P. and it was obviously made. Men and women can have a pissing match in this thread and each reduce the other to objects of revile, or we can have a meaningful discussion about what it is women want, what men want, and why any difference between the two demands men change their behavior in order to adjust for the difference.

Of course, that is from a man's point of view, and I know plenty of women who would argue the same about men. In the end, I remain firm that Jacqueline Burt's "advice" on what not to say is actually some of the things any man interested in a divorced mother should say. If the divorced mother being confronted with such questions find them inappropriate this is a strong clue to that man that he should probably not get involved with this woman. That, I think, is prudent advice.

reply to post by Jean Paul Zodeaux


They should by all means ask such questions, but not in one big splurge and not in the way that Burt is complaining about. It takes time to get to know anyone new, and it takes time to gain the confidence in someone to divulge such personal information.

Besides, it was you, in the your rebuttal to this woman's blog, that broke down the motivation of such questions into about whether men should consider sex with divorced women, not whether they should consider marriage to such women. The assumption, presumably being that a divorced mother would only want a relationship that is heading towards marriage, and therefore any male that approaches such a woman, would be similarly inclined. I think that you will find that in reality, few women seek out such a serious relationship immediately, often for the very reasons that Burt describes.

Both men and women coming out of a longterm relationship, when they finally do feel ready to 'get out there' do not want to dwell on what has failed, need time to adjust to the idea, and will want to take things exceptionally slowly. There are of course exceptions. And it is bad enough having to carry around the emotional baggage of a failed relationship, especially when children are involved, without having to haul out that baggage onto the table with each new interaction with the opposite sex (assuming hetrosexuality on the occasion).

So by all means ask, but do it in a way that is natural as you get to know that person, not as small talk in the initial getting to know, breaking the ice phase, which is what Burt is emphasising. And that applies equally to men and women. There are often very good reasons why a relationship didn't work, and even if that relationship went really bad, as in my case, that doesn't mean that either party is beyond redemption for future relationships. And, if someone is very bitter and twisted, and hell bent on making life a misery for their ex, or dragging the children through the mill as a means to twist the knife in, that will show itself soon enough without getting the back-up of every woman by asking the questions that Burt suggests men do not ask and perhaps alienating someone who just wants to move on slowly and may not want to bring their baggage on every first date.

Burt's advice, though not to my taste in presentation, remains good, yours, on the otherhand, generated a circle jerk for good reason.

reply to post by Biliverdin


You are necessarily interpreting it in a way to suggest that Burt was merely talking about what is inappropriate "small talk". The only sentence of hers that could even give you a benefit of the doubt in this regard is this:

If you're not a single mom, you might be shocked to hear how nosy and insensitive even perfect strangers can be.

"even perfect strangers" is ambiguous in its intent, and this is really the only indication that perhaps Burt was merely talking about "small talk" but such a presumption is a leap of faith made by the reader, not due to any clear communication by the blogger.

No, I think you and other prudes didn't even bother to finish reading the O.P. and just simply had a knee jerk reaction to the idea that men actually want to have sex with women. If women in general think that marriage has nothing to do with sex, then this explains why the goddamned divorce rate is so high in the United States. If women honestly believe that just because men think about sex all the time they can't possibly be good marriage partners with women, then divorce rates are high far a damn good reason!

Men don't need to be lectured on how to ask important questions to a woman, and they sure as hell don't need to be lectured about their natural proclivity to want sex. Marriage is not about Princess Diana weddings and vague fairy tale endings and most men seem to understand this, it is the women who seem to think differently on the matter and then when reality bursts their silly little fairy tale fantasy's they demand a divorce and insist that everyone agree with them that there is no shame in divorce.

Or are you going to tell us all how you were able to interpret from Burt's blog that she was horribly abused and beaten at the hands of her maniacal husband and she simply had no choice but to divorce? While there are abused spouses there are far more casual marriages that seem to have some unspoken exit strategy, all of which was discussed in the O.P. and all of which you necessarily ignored so you could smugly pat yourself on the back with self righteous indignation and declare this thread a circle jerk simply because I pointed out the obvious which is men think about sex quite often.

No, this thread has tragically become a quilting session with schoolmarms tks tsk tsking away because men have natural desires. Grow the hell up little girls.

reply to post by Jean Paul Zodeaux


The will to power is a predisposed case of life, so why shouldn't it be a case in marriage. A power struggle, the gender war, they say all is fair in two thing in this existence, one of those being war the other love. And so all is fair in love and war. Which would make marriage two things, a contract free of compromise, and a contract based on compromises, and like most promises they usually never come, so we are left with compromises.

The difference between the fairer sex and the not so fairer is one of aesthetics, primarily being that there is nothing fair in anything and much less so about the fairer sex. So how can anything be fair at all? The answer is that it cant. So all that is fair, is actually not fair and all that is not fair is exactly that. And love and war are as fair as everything else.

But yes this Jacqueline Burt maybe should of made her title 5 Things Not to Say to Divorced Mom Jacqueline Burt, but as we know since women are of a hive mind what one says applys to them all. I however find nothing burdening in those questions, but no doubt she does. So whatever, I really don't get it. Maybe next time she dates she can refer her dates to her blogrant.

But maybe like all women she thinks men are psychic and can read minds. Which is silly because if they were able to read minds they would see the barbs and thorns from miles away and avoid them and if they could do that I assure you nobody would be getting married.

The barbs and thorns is what her blog and this thread are all about. I suppose we got to quit digging in eachothers skin. Point duly noted.

Originally posted by Jean Paul Zodeaux
You are necessarily interpreting it in a way to suggest that Burt was merely talking about what is inappropriate "small talk". The only sentence of hers that could even give you a benefit of the doubt in this regard is this:

If you're not a single mom, you might be shocked to hear how nosy and insensitive even perfect strangers can be.

"even perfect strangers" is ambiguous in its intent, and this is really the only indication that perhaps Burt was merely talking about "small talk" but such a presumption is a leap of faith made by the reader, not due to any clear communication by the blogger.

It was clear enough to me, Burt makes no specific mention of any gender, you appear to be the only one being presumptious, in that you feel that her comments were directed at men trying to pick her up. That she clearly refers to those who ask questions as having two incomes would quite apparently suggest that she is referring more specifically to those who are in an established relationship, of no specific gender, not single men. Perhaps you should read her comments again, without the blinkers on.

Originally posted by Jean Paul Zodeaux
No, I think you and other prudes didn't even bother to finish reading the O.P. and just simply had a knee jerk reaction to the idea that men actually want to have sex with women. If women in general think that marriage has nothing to do with sex, then this explains why the goddamned divorce rate is so high in the United States. If women honestly believe that just because men think about sex all the time they can't possibly be good marriage partners with women, then divorce rates are high far a damn good reason!

It may come as a shock to your puritanical little mind, but women want to have sex too. I don’t think that I am the one being prudish here, it seems to be you who are judging the motives of divorcees, and assuming that everyone that talks to them must be a single man seeking a readymade family, or simply with a proclivity for MILFs. You are the one who took Burt’s comments about the said questions, and made them about sex and marriage. And, it hasn’t escaped my attention, having read both the OP and the original article that you link to, that your editorialism was aimed at twisting Burt’s words to suit your clear agenda. As I have previously stated, Burt clearly makes reference in that article to those who are on two incomes, and in the preamble to those questions that she suggests that people do not ask, she explains her regret at having found herself a single mother, that it wasn’t a choice that she made so much as something she tried very hard to avoid.

So, in short, having, as I have said, read the original article, but bearing in mind your OP which set an entirely different agenda, I responded to your posts, and not to Burt’s article. It was you, not Burt, who reduced the debate to single men wishing to question single mothers about their relationship history. Burt clearly did not have those issues in mind, as she was very clearly including those who were in couples, as well as single people. You on the other hand were not.

Originally posted by Jean Paul Zodeaux
Men don't need to be lectured on how to ask important questions to a woman, and they sure as hell don't need to be lectured about their natural proclivity to want sex.

Then why are you doing so?

Originally posted by Jean Paul Zodeaux
Marriage is not about Princess Diana weddings and vague fairy tale endings and most men seem to understand this, it is the women who seem to think differently on the matter and then when reality bursts their silly little fairy tale fantasy's they demand a divorce and insist that everyone agree with them that there is no shame in divorce.

You seem to be projecting any number of issues onto Burt’s quite specific article and set of questions to avoid, and I presume that is due to events in your personal life. There are any number of legal caveats that allow for a marriage to be annulled or for divorce to granted, infidelity being one such ‘breach of contract’, ‘desertion’ being another, ‘mental cruelty’ etc etc. All legally recognised, and all utilised equally by men and women seeking to escape from a failed marriage. Seldom have I seen a marriage end based on one party feeling that it wasn’t a fairytale. And certainly nothing in Burt’s article to suggest that that was the case with her. In such cases where the grounds for divorce are limited, such as where the two parties have merely grown apart, it generally take much longer for the courts to grant those divorces, but either way, it is surely better for two people to be happy separately, than to remain miserable together when they both know that they have different expectations of life and that that is unlikely to change.

Originally posted by Jean Paul Zodeaux
Or are you going to tell us all how you were able to interpret from Burt's blog that she was horribly abused and beaten at the hands of her maniacal husband and she simply had no choice but to divorce? While there are abused spouses there are far more casual marriages that seem to have some unspoken exit strategy, all of which was discussed in the O.P. and all of which you necessarily ignored so you could smugly pat yourself on the back with self righteous indignation and declare this thread a circle jerk simply because I pointed out the obvious which is men think about sex quite often.

Personally I don’t agree with marriage at all, I don’t need a piece of paper and court appointed official to seal any relationship that I may wish to engage in, nor do I need such things to remain ‘faithful and true’. But I do understand that relationships, even those started with the best intentions can fail for any number of reasons, and that sometimes, even when there are children involved, that it is best for all concerned that they do that. Personally, I think that marriage is a multi-million pound industry, and so is divorce, and because of that people can be pushed into both in order to line the pockets of third parties. I never suggested that Burt was abused, I simply offered a perspective of why some people would not want to be quizzed by random strangers about highly personal aspects of their private lives. You are the one who keeps bringing Burt’s article around to the subject of sex, so I would guess that that is a preoccupation of your mind and that you are somewhat frustrated in your efforts to relieve that urge. Presumably, all things considered, you feel that single mothers are an easy means of finding said relief, and that is perhaps why you are reading articles that are aimed at single mothers. I have no idea really why you would be otherwise, unless there is something you are not telling us.

Originally posted by Jean Paul Zodeaux
No, this thread has tragically become a quilting session with schoolmarms tks tsk tsking away because men have natural desires. Grow the hell up little girls.

Women have those natural desires to, as another poster in this thread quite ably pointed out, many single mothers, due to the rigours of single parenthood, choose to relieve those urges by allowing young men/boys to feel as though they have picked them up, when obviously it is the other way around, and engage in purely mindless sex. Either that or they get something that is battery operated that is guaranteed to do the job. And, all things considered, if you represent the alternative, I can understand why women would prefer both those options. I however, prefer the hot, sweaty flesh on flesh attention of a fully grown man and can otherwise go without.

As a female who has dated men with children I ask ALL these questions.

Sorry if I am going to think about being serious with someone where a child is involved I have as much right to know about that child's past and the relationship between the parents as the mother has a right to know about me and my past.

I never understood why people get upset over this and take it personal. I would want my partner to know about my past if I had kids, I want my spouse to know my past now even without kids. It helps to know a person and if someone doesn't want you asking then they probably have things they are hiding or they are afraid of their pride being hurt!

Every guy I dated with kids had no problem with me asking these questions. It's how and when you do it. As a female if I had kids previously I would make sure the person I was going to marry knew about them like they were their own if they are going to be involved in raising them!

Just an observation from friends and people in these types of situations it's always selfishness or someone trying to make the other "pay" for leaving them or something stupid like that. They use their kids against the other, that I have seen women do PLENTY and as a female it bothers me, there is no need to do this.

Anyway this women is just bitter and her little rant is obvious.

These conversations always end up about money anyway. When I run into an old female friend who announces
"I'm divorced now". I usually say "Oh! Is that a good thing?" Followed by laughter, she usually says something to the effect of "in some ways", but, and the BUT is always he's not giving her enough money to support his children. I don't like talking about money woes, so I refocus the conversation back on the many lovely aspects of being divorced.

I will agree with the inference in the author of the blog and their intended audience. Just as JPZ pointed out, the first sentence of her first question makes it known. "First of all, depending on who's doing the asking, it's usually none of their business."

This ambiguous statement was very purposeful and directly aimed to show that she wanted to let all those men that the rest is solely intended towards them.

If I am on the prowl (oh I am sure some of the ladies reading are seething) and I meet a lady that happens to be a single mom you can bet the farm that through various conversations I will be asking questions very much akin to those.

Especially when we are aiming to satisfy a sexual need, such questions are very important.

reply to post by Jean Paul Zodeaux



I don't know, but who in their right mind would give a loan to someone who defaulted? Let single mothers date single fathers.

That said, each question is relevant, maybe not first date relevant, but by the 4th or 5th date they should be known.

1) What the real question is: " Why are you divorced?" is very relevant. Why should guy's allow themselves to be victimized by a gal who files for divorce because she is bored?

2) What the real question is: "Are your kid's sane or do they have emotional issues?" Who would want to be stuck with violent or psychotic kids in their lives? And also the state of the children can be an indicator of the single moms parenting skills aka a reflection of herself as well.

3)What the real question is: "How do you treat your ex know that he is an ex?" and " is there still unresolved issues between yous?". Too many of us guy's know of guy's that can't see their kid's because of the games their ex's play. I know a few guy's that where borderline suicidal for a time because of that garbage,

4)What the real question isnot really a question) " that is guy speak for moving the conversation away from what was a slightly awkward experience"

5)What the real question is:"see #3"

Really, it is a way to glean more information, or it could be just a genuine statement.
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As a side reference: Cafe Mom has been caught on many occasions spewing blatant anti-male hatred. Bloggers who write for Cafe Mom are either dumb, bigots or scum. I think the Globe has more credibility then Cafe Mom.