Hello again, all. I don't know if anyone saw my posts earlier in this topic about a sense of impending doom, sorrow, anxiety, etc. As I stated back
then, I am quite skeptical of these sorts or things because of how highly subjective they are. However, I have to say that recent events in my life
have made me wonder.
To tell the full story I have to go back to December of last year. That's when the feelings had started, and possibly a bit before then. One morning
I had a horrible nightmare that I and my mother were sitting back to back on a cliff. If either of us got up and left the other, we would both fall.
When I did, she fell to her death. It was so real. I felt devastated, guilty, horrified. I felt so strongly about it that I even made a topic about it
on ATS: www.abovetopsecret.com...
After my last post in this topic back in early January, the feelings I described only intensified. Now, as I have been open with in other topics here,
I do suffer from social anxiety secondary to what the world of psychiatry calls Aspergers. However, as I also said earlier in this topic, my anxiety
has always been purely social and has never manifested in this manner before. Anyhow, it kept building and building. And others in my life - a close
friend, my mother, and others - felt the same.
All of this escalated until one night I hear a female voice whisper my name. I am not a delusional person. I have never suffered from hallucinations.
It sounded like my mother, so I turned around expecting her to be there, but no one was present. Immediately after this, the aforementioned close
friend called me to say that he had just heard a voice say his name as well. Also a female. In his case, it sounded just like his wife. But she was
nowhere to be found at the time. He also heard the voice again, more insistently, this time saying, "(friend's name) I need your help!"
At this point, we both thought we were losing our minds. We thought we were experiencing mass hysteria of some kind. I even had my friend relate his
experience to my mother and had her repeat it back to me, for fear I was insane and hallucinating the entire conversation. Fortunately I was not.
Not so fortunately, around this time my mother had begun to feel ill. I don't want to get into the details, but she was decidedly under the weather.
As the sense of dread grew, so too did her illness. Then one morning it became apparent that she was much more ill than she had thought. I took her
immediately to the ER, and she ended up having emergency surgery. Without going into specifics, she was nearly septic and almost died. We never even
knew she was really sick. This was February 29th, the feelings of dread and fear having built up since the beginning of the year/early last year,
together with that disturbing as hell dream.
In the interim, we have had all sorts of battles with the hospital due to poor care, inconsistency, lack of communication, and interdepartmental
conflicts. Some of which resulted in a prolongation of her issue, which has now become chronic, and may last for the rest of her life. I have had to
do things daily in order to care for her which are far from pleasant, and if I'm perfectly honest about it, downright traumatic, especially given my
preexisting psychological issues. We have both been under constant stress, fear, an emotional roller coaster of improvement, screwy doctors,
worsening, and finally stabilization, and ultimately routine.
She is finally okay now, but this is a condition she will live with probably forever, and something I will have to care for for the duration of her
life as well. Which I am happy to do, don't get me wrong. I love my mother more than anything in this world, and I am not ashamed or afraid to say
so. I would do anything for her. But you can imagine the impact this has on both our lives, in numerous ways.
My point in sharing this story is to demonstrate that sometimes these feelings might actually be worth listening to. I remain skeptical, as there are
still other possible explanations. But the cumulative impact of all of the above sure subjectively feels
like someone or something was
attempting to get our attention, to warn us. The nightmare I had is all too applicable to what we've been through and had to do.
Back to back, on a mountain cliff, reliant on one another utterly for stability and survival.
P.S. As a matter of fact, I'm going to paste some of this story into a new post on that topic. It's so eery and strange. Still not quite sure what
to make of it.