Introduction: That the world may know me...

20111230 2145

My name is Wren, and I am psychotic.

Though people with Asperger's Syndrome, which I have, are rarely psychotic, I am. I became this way due to abuse and resultant PTSD. One of my doctors said I became borderline due to growing up autistic, abused, and really being abused most of my adult life as well.

I have memory problems. I actually remember very little of my life. I am 30 years old. I know that the information is in my brain. Sometimes I get flashes of it, triggered by random things: smells, phrases, sensations, etc. I used to have really intense flashbacks, but not anymore. The flashes of memory I get can be horrifying or sad, but are never pleasant. And during a flash I see and remember what happened. It usually goes away fast. If not then I tell myself "That never happened. That person never existed." Trying to deny what I suddenly remember happening. I can usually re-forget fairly quickly by denying it. But it is difficult because I am fighting my urge to remember the truth, know what is locked away behind that barrier in my consciousness. To know all the things that destroyed me.

I know someday all these memories will have to be acknowledged. But not now, not today, and not tomorrow either, or anytime soon. I have episodes of psychotic behavior. The last one I don't remember much, I just woke up in the hospital a day or two later. Just drifted slowly back int o self-awareness. It was triggered by an argument. Or not really an argument, more like an emotionally-fuelled blitzkrieg from my brother's wife. I don't remember it though, I only know it happened. I did something wrong.

I am on antipsychotics, but some things can make me go crazy anyways.

I sleep a lot. Usually around 13 hours a day. Sometimes more. Never less than 11. Sometimes take naps too. Its partly the medication and partly depression. I've been suicidal off and on since I was in fourth grade. These days its hard not to think about suicide, because of all I've lost, everything I've been through. I feel like I don't care about anything. Not even having someone to love. Though I don't know what love is anyways, according to two of my exes. I don't even care about Star Wars anymore--though I still consider Darth Vader to be a father figure to me. I don't know what I am.

I don't have a therapist anymore, or a doctor I can really tell things to. I used to but she moved. Sometimes I can't talk. Sometimes I can talk but don't have the words. Talk therapy doesn't help because I have deficits in my ability to communicate that way. I can express more information through writing. Anything important I can try to write, but I cannot speak it. Writing is so much easier that talking.

I used to want to be "in love," but I don't think I ever have been. And now I never will be, I'll never be with someone again. I am too broken down, empty, distrustful. That's not accurate, I'm not distrustful but I wish I was because I am actually very naive and trusting and that is part of what has led me to this meaningless, empty, broken, painful existence.

I might not know what love is, but I try hard not to hurt anyone. Sometimes I fail at that because I'm not conscious sometimes that what I am doing is hurtful. And sometimes I know it is hurtful and I do it anyways, I can be evil, but I don't want to be. I want to be nice but sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes I have to defend myself. But most of the time I have no way to defend myself except to stay in my room, avoid people, avoid noise. I feel overwhelmed in crowds and very afraid. My mind doesn't stop, my thoughts race, I am afraid. It hurts in my chest. Noise makes me panic. These things are worse now, much worse since all the stuff I can't remember occurred. I have always been sensitive but not this bad. I can only hide. Its hard to be nice, because I don't know what to say. My brain just doesn't work in that social context like everyone else's does. I struggle to know what to talk about and how to say it. I wish I could tell you in pictures, then you would know the hell I see when I try to remember. But you will never know.

My interests are Darth Vader, Jared Loughner, and the apocalypse. But NOT the Star Wars prequels, they were awful.

A cry for help if ive ever heard one. Good luck my brother
I really mean that.

TextMy interests are Darth Vader, Jared Loughner, and the apocalypse

reply to post by shutdownormeltdown


Hi Wren....I see that you actually joined ATS in 2010. My heart goes out to you...I don't know you and we have just met here on ATS...but I do care.

I am thinking that perhaps you may be able to find a new therapist....one where you could write down how you feel...and then the therapist could read what you have written...each session...and a dialogue could happen from that. It's just a suggestion.

You have shared a lot of deep personal things about yourself in this thread...that was very brave.

How do you like ATS?

reply to post by shutdownormeltdown


Welcome.

Why did you wait so long to introduce yourself?

What do the numbers mean at the top of your post? I see the date, but what do the last 4 digits mean?


Hang in there no matter what.
Have you tried therapy that would involve writing instead of talking?

ETA: I agree the prequels were bad.

Maybe off-topic but have you ever been in Northern Canada?

I won't go into why I ask because if you have, you'll know why I ask. If not, all good anyways.

In any case, welcome and I hope you find some answers here. Tho, this might not be the site to quiet your mind.

Peace

The numbers at the top of my post are the date and time of writing.

Thank you to everyone who has responded or will respond in the future. I have been thinking that nobody in the world would ever know anything about me. That someday my existence would suddenly end and nobody would ever know I was even here but for the fact they had to bury my body. But I am here, though sometimes I could swear otherwise.

If my existence has any gravity, then I wish that gravity to slingshot kind hearts in the direction of whatever heaven they find most pleasing. That is my wish.

ETA: I have never been in Northern Canada.

reply to post by jude11


I have been and worked in Northern Canada...what do I win? Welcome btw, please don't go hurting anyone because you have a mental illness. Thank you.

reply to post by shutdownormeltdown

If my existence has any gravity, then I wish that gravity to slingshot kind hearts in the direction of whatever heaven they find most pleasing.

Now that was cool. Nice way with words there.

Hi there, your forthright honesty is refreshing.
The doctors dont always have the answers we are seeking buddy......
They have not really recognized the spirit within people yet even.
You are very good at expressing yourself in the written word and i agree there are probably many who could be of help through your writing.....
I wonder if you have ever had a cat, kitten, dog or other dependant (not a human being)
?
If you are able to keep one and would like to id suggest a kitty.(up to you really)but it may be beneficial at least to spend time with non human company....
Sleeping so much of the time maybe a full grown younger cat?
anyways they are very good company and they have much to teach one....
Perhaps it is not possible for whatever reason?

reply to post by shutdownormeltdown


Dear shutdown,

This moved me to tears.

You matter - that is the truth.

Turn to a gentle redeemer - mine is Jesus - but you can turn to God Himself, Buddha, Mohammed, or the angels.

Ask this redeemer to save you - and to give you peace on earth. Just ask with all your heart, and I think you may get some relief.

I certainly hope so.

Hello and welcome to ATS!

There are a lot of real people on ATS and you will make friends and have support! I have PTSD and I am doing really well:

PTSD

when you feel psychotic it can also refer to the emergency stage...you maybe at a critical point and need help.... so write away and share and it will be fine. If I can get through it so can you! xxx

Hello Wren.....you message was touching.... after reading your thoughts ...i just wanted 2 share this .....a lot of people have hyper sensitivity ...& are depressed on this planet..( i have felt this too)...U R NOT ALONE....we all have different reasons for feeling alone, anti-social ''psychotic''.....BAD MEMORIES STAY WITH US LONGER this is because of a cocktail of chemicals our bodies produce when we are faced with a shocking or tragic event......(really sorry 4 ur pain)emotions are a product of the CHEMICAL ride & we are always on...... some of us feel like we have little control in our lives....little relevance......NOT TRUE....You can create the person you want to be out of the person you are right now.....and you are not alone.... negativity is just a TEMPORARY FEELING...IT WILL PASS..Life seems to be highs & lows.....enjoy the highs & sleep through the lows ...i think that is a great way to deal with overwhelming feelings, because sleep repairs our bodies & our minds..... I pray.... that helps me....we do have a creator (or creators) out there & he/she/ THE SPIRIT knows who you are......please try to find another doctor so you don't have to go through this alone...good luck

hi,
I was once very lost. not like I am any closer to being found. but. the question and the doubt. the pain and the guilt of life are not so much I can't bare it anymore. I have come to the realization that in the end. all my misery, all my pain, the anguish of having a heart and seeing something beautiful in you die. all the evil things I did...all the remorse I felt because of them. Hate, pure hate spewing from the innermost part of my very core. it was too much. I wanted a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I am glad I was wrong about that too

In the end our past is a thing to be forgotten as that is its nature. It is rewritten like a page washed of its ink and placed before the quill of life's hand. unfolding its essence upon the page of our existence. 1 man. irrelevant to the change of anything in his passing time here. Even those who in greatness shine will be forgotten over time and replaced with the next and the next forever. what of it to us .especially when a life of hate of pain. anger because of injustice. sorrow because of cruelty. misery of not having. broken will, shattered spirit .dead soul

I just said enough one day. The cold made me feel my own warmth. the end and finite part of it, the absolute of death about it all. It made me turn all my overwhelming energy into a defiance of that way of life I could no longer understand. co-exist with. I learned to see past those things so as to see my own inner peace with or without this world

This world I see as a thing that complements and enhances my happiness. not creates it or makes it for me.
My truth, the one I forge by my will and being, my truth I use as the template of what good I see fit .I DO NOT succumb anymore to letting myself be destroyed by this false logic, dark logic that makes me chase my sin in the name of my virtue

I live for the existence of virtue. MY virtue. those things I choose to make true. that change I will to become so as to change my world. MY world. not THE world. into something I believe in. something I defend. My purpose I decide. My death I think not of. I choose to align my destiny. my today so as to have not hope but acceptance of
MY tomorrow

I shall let it be because of me. Good is not dead as long as I breath. no matter the times I fall because of malice. hate. evil. THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTANCE is justified and made noble for every time I rise again in defiance of those things that destroy me. I become my absolute good. my absolute love. my absolute righteous. pure me. sacred child I have protected in me. sacred mustard seed I keep of all that is beautiful about my being. everything worth a damn about me .all I am .for the sake if it all. will be the phoenix of my story. the smile I keep in my soul

I am not ashamed of who I am .SHAME is the irrelevant factor in the equation of our worth .Our worth determined by the heart we TRY to have .the fire we burn against the cold of the world .we choose not to let die .we are the light against the darkness .in defense of life itself we stand .protectors of our existence .keepers of legacy in the face of constant adversity throughout time. against all evils has our good stood and been preserved throughout time so as to know it now

If any good be known today for us to know, it is because some people chose to AGAINST ALL ODDS go with their truth, regardless of it being accepted or endorsed by the will of the beast in us. his passions our not our masters. our logic and peace. our love which we try to better understand each day .the very concept of loving so difficult to know. our doubt always trying to see where our weakness plays games with our wit

we turn on ourselves and hurt ourselves so as to acknowledge the pain .so we can't turn away from it when it hurts the most. looking at the pain square in the eye .defying the malice .not for hates sake. but for the honor of your own conscience to yourself .that power of releasing yourself from duty .doing good for the sake of fulfilling a need in any given situation. the need for what in truth is righteous to the moment

I say ask not why exist and decide based on the pain. I say define why existence is in you .based on your truth .don't sacrifice in honor of it .live in honor for it

In your mind see the endless lineage you share with the good in you, that hope for you we sometimes see as ending. Imagine going back to the moment you first came into existence and realize that no matter what course our good may take after that moment, nothing is more important than that moment. not even its end. since its creation, nothing after that will effect anything so profoundly .that is enough to make it through with a smile in your soul day after day in an endless blur of vivid detail and amazement of the littlest things which bring the greatest fullness and satisfaction

Know the world is reborn everyday....know you can be as well....dont give up.....

peace, love, respect

and we keep one on the tally. I hope