Okay, I'm not sure what the post advising men as to womens' behaviors contains, but I have to take a whack at this:
What Men Need To Understand About Women
1. Men believe women can be very bossy, demanding men dress, speak and practice hygiene in specific ways. However, a woman, regardless of her
defensive capacity such as martial arts degrees and firearm ownership, wants to know two things about her mate: (1) that he believes she can wield the
powers of all that is feminine at-will thereby encompassing everything her man could ever need from a woman and (2) he won't take sh*t from nobody. If
you've ever heard this conversation:
woman 1: "I tried telling Harold he needed to trash that awful Pac-Man relic in our garage, but he won't budge."
woman 2: "I tried telling Arnold he can't wear his pine-sap-covered flannel shirt for Christmas Eve, but he won't budge."
...then you need to understand these women are bragging. Bragging? Yes. Because we all know that if you'll back down from one of our demands which
actually has no consequence
, then you'll also back down from the hairy scary fellow offering you a $5 bill and his broken tractor in exchange for
a night with your sweetheart, lest he stab you in the face. We test you. Just because we aren't cavemen anymore, and you won't need to defend our
honor on a nightly basis, doesn't mean we can override the instinct to take your aggression for a test-drive in the event our lives depend on it.
2. Just as men try to make certain things look easy, women also try to make things look easy. Remember the time we left you to your own devices as you
attempted to navigate us toward City Hall by crossing state lines (thrice?) and paying for an extra axel [we didn't have] at the toll booth? And the
time you thought you were silently pick-axing the mayonnaise jar open in anticipation of our tuna-salad-laden gratitude? We knew you were struggling,
but we allowed you to struggle with your honor intact. We do the same thing with the housecleaning and cooking. We try to make it look easy because we
want you to believe you have coupled with the ultimate woman. But just like how you didn't make it to City Hall to pay that traffic ticket on-time
because you were lost, there's sometimes a price to pay for making things look so easy. And for women, it happens between 9 and 11 at night. Right
when total exhaust is setting in for us, and you gaze at UltiWoman hoping to turn her libido upside-down, you hear something odd. Muting the
television, it sounds like a low growl. And as you run from one window to another, you realize the din is emanating from your sweetheart as she
quietly snores. So when you see your sweetheart the next day, as she flits and flies from one task to another, ensuring you don't bathe with black
mold, eat Doritos for dinner, or have your house quarantined by the Department of Health, please realize this isn't her attempt to arouse you with
cascades of hair flying behind her as beads of sweat congregate on her brow. She needs help. Help her, hire a crew, or suffer the consequences.
3. Women know the difference between when men are trying to satisfy our request, and when men are hoping to never be asked to fulfill said request
again. That way your eyebrows knit together and you practically wag your but like an anxious puppy tells us you hope you've performed well-beyond any
standard we've dreamed up. It's that post-coital "how did I do?" face. You also do it right after you parallel-park us into a space the size of a
postage stamp, when you teach the dog to fetch the remote, and when you buy us a gift you knew we wanted badly but would never buy for ourselves. And
it's the absence of that look that gives it away. Standing next to the vacuum cleaner in the middle of a room without one vacuum-swirl on the carpet
while asking us what we need next as you stare at the floor while spittle drips from the corner of your mouth tells us all we need to know: "I hope
you never, ever, ask for my help with this." One day, we'll forget how to tell whether the glue in the bottom of the pot means the pasta's done and if
that yellow toilet-water all over the bathroom floor means we need a plumber. Unless you convince us a vacuum cleaner isn't all that complicated to
operate after all.
4. There once was a time, not too long ago, when we women needed you men, just so we could have rooves over our head and food on the table. That time
has passed. You are no longer needed in order for us to survive. And there is something so much better than being needed: you're wanted. Revel in
that. Embrace it. And understand what that means in terms of behaviors for which you will be forgiven. That list is much shorter than it was just
forty years ago. It's much shorter than the one your dad had. And yes, to a degree, that means your dad had it a bit easier in a way. But he also knew
there was a chance that he wasn't adored down to his tippy-toes - and that he was just necessary for survival. Still warm and fuzzy for dad's
5. Women compete with other women in an effort to land the mate who will make us feel as if we're the most beautiful and safe maiden in the land. We
also know a woman with no female friends finds meeting new people difficult. When faced with a well-equipped female adversary, some women often
ensure the adversary is friendless, almost ensuring she's mateless as well. This is cruel and immature. Learn to recognize these behaviors, and you
will go far in finding a woman who at no point treats you with cruelty. Yeah, I know it's fun to watch a good old-fashioned verbal mud-wrestling
match in an attempt to exercise our feminine wiles and land a date with you, but trust me, that avarice generates from a genuine place in her heart
and you don't want to share your home with it.
...more to come...
edit on 12/22/2011 by chasingbrahman because: (no reason given)