Create your own "I've been to hell" narrative here.

It has been apparent that conspiracy websites have taken a dim view of ridiculous alien stories and other narrative hoaxing.

However, the "Near-death-Experience" or other "visions of hell" remain a daily source of inspiration for some, and derision for others.
Almost every new Youtube video on the topic begets a new thread.

Are there some tropes we could both satirize and learn from?
Are there patterns in such narratives?

Here is my parody of the genre:

Sheila (a pseudonym) has been one of several young women who have gone to hell recently, and returned to tell their stories.
Once there were only a few women like Sheila, but now it seems the Internet is filled daily with courageous stories of hellfire and redemption.

Parents may be shocked, as 25-year-old Sheila takes us on a journey to the nether regions of hell itself:

"I drank and smoked. I mean I was bad, like really bad.

But then the pastor told us all about hell, and like what the dude said like changed my whole life.
And one night I was lying in bed having my like third NDE, and then the aliens came ...
Nope, apologies, anyway, I'm lying in my bed and yeah, it was Jesus who came.
Anyway, Jesus gave me like a crown, when the aliens give you nothing, but it's an invisible crown.
So I took his hand and we went to hell, and just like these guru people say, every sin is done back to you, so I saw these people in the fire with big grins on their faces, and when they were all burnt up into toast they were like reborn and they had it done to them all over again.

They could see their family members through like some magical portal, and they were screaming of boredom as they watched their cousins and relatives eating chocolate while watching cable, smoking on the toilet or blogging on the Internet.
I could see the people in hell yelling at their living relatives: "Stop it - do something interesting! Don't end up in hell just because you're not saved or belong to the wrong church! Make it worth your while!"

Then I saw Lucifer himself on his throne.
I asked him why he made all these people stay in hell with him.
Then he reminded me of how this one girl kissed and totally stole my boyfriend.
So I said that I agreed with the devil that this girl was a nasty piece of work, and he can keep her for all I care, but when I go to heaven I wanna have the guy we were fighting about.
But the devil just laughed and gave me sips of beer, and we giggled until my crown poked him in the eye, and then Jesus said it was time to go home.

Then I awoke from my like third NDE.
I'm just gonna put on some make-up and then I'm gonna put this on Youtube.
There's like so much people can learn, because somebody should tell people that if you're not a Christian like me, you might just go to hell.
Nobody seems to know that ...
Oh yeah, and L.... is a slut, and she's definitely gonna burn in hell for what she did with K....".

edit on 18-10-2011 by halfoldman because: (no reason given)

reply to post by halfoldman


Very amusing, kind of reminds me of a dream I had...............

This one time in hell camp.. I was being chaperoned by the big J ..You know the one in white with long hair and sandals. Anyway we decided to go for a two day one night visit to the inferno .
I packed light,with plenty of sun block (not sure if will help) and fire retardant boxer shorts. I also packed a mini fire extinguisher a stick , some marsh mellows and a book of well known camp fire songs..

When I reached the gates of hell with J I felt a bit nervous, mainly because of all the bad things I had heard about this place. I imagined souls being tortured with hot irons, the screams, the fire and brimstone.

We rang the bell, two scantly clad ladies answered and let me tell you all my worries of this place soon disappeared. This place was great drugs, sex rock and roll and then some.
Sure beat those stamp collecting, harp playing preaching fs in Heaven.
J and I have decided to go halves on a time share here. last two weeks of December....

Few nights back I had a mad nightmare about this freaky sort of prison like place. Was very "hell" like actually, very twisted. Im pretty sure it was induced by me reading all these ridiculous stories. Although it was freaky as s#!t, it was quite fun in retrospect - I actually started lucid dreaming part way through but nothing really came of it.
Was gutted. Anyway that was my latest "hell experience"

From the black comedy satirizing the Salem Witch Trials: "Love at Stake" (1987).

Hell is hot, but the devil's cool...

Paint the narrative by numbers:

Choose from 3 or 4 possibilities to complete the piece, or insert your own word/phrase:

"I had my first experience of hell while (a.experiencing my second NDE b. under the table at the local pub on St. Patrick's Day c. watching the remake of Ben-Hur d. doing New Age meditations c. during an anonymous mass astral projection to occupy hell before the Tea Party imposes capitalism and "special" tortures for the poor in Hades).
The demons I saw looked like (a. horned reptilians b. plastic surgery meltdowns c. white devils d. John Hagee in Brazilian thongs e. miniature versions of Robert Mugabe with pitchforks). I saw witches suffering and being forced by demons to (a. eat obese people b. run a broomstick sweat-shop c. occupy heaven's gates d. compete for the "ugly crown" in the Bride of Satan contest).
My dead relatives screamed (a. that I should be good b. from exhaustion, after doing the eternal chicken-dance c. that the Unitarians are right d. racist and sexist curses from the days before political correctness).
Then I saw Satan and his chained demons, who looked (a. anything but Caucasian b. cool c. hideous d. like a mixture between Lindsay Lohan and Don King).
Satan yelled that he owned all the (a. unsaved babies and infants b. uncircumcised men c. money in the Federal Reserve d. Westboro posters).
Next thing I found myself in (a. a hospital bed b. a Youtube video c. a defunct boy-band break-up d. topless at a Tea Party parade, wearing black leather pants that exposed my buttocks).
I will now be better, and hope to have no more visions of hell because (a. the end is near again and it's getting embarrassing b. the Bible doesn't really tell me so, and it's blasphemy c. I'm still tanned to a crisp d. three strikes and you're in for good)."

The Hell offers deluxe rooms with Satanesque-inspired decor and modern amenities, such as high-speed death access, coupled with views of exotic ghosts roaming the lake of fire savannahs. furnace of fire services and eternal punishment activities are also available at this full-service pit of darkness, a multiple winner of weeping and gnashing of teeth Award for Hell's Best Theme Park Hotel.
Rated: 666 times; No Stars; No Angels
Cons : no rest day and night...

"Create your own "I've been to hell" narrative here."

Did I mention I was married?

reply to post by vatel

Plumbing will be pre-colonial avant-garde, which should be welcoming news to the masses of the "ungodly" philosophies, religions and churches from the poorer nations, who will simply swop earthly misery for eternal misery.

However new arrivals are urged to bring a blanket or something warm, since the mountains of greedy oppressors and self-styled religious leaders from history are blocking the heat of the furnace.

It may take a small eternity to be allocated a warm spot.
Be prepared to to wait in line, as the demons are still deciding where to accommodate Hitler, Stalin, John Lennon and Gandhi.

In order to hasten eternal damnation, hell now outsources labor to heaven, where celebrities like Freddie Mercury, Elvis and Jimi Hendrix give harp and singing lessons by day, and return to their respective tortures by night.
However, before allowing immigrant labor from hell to settle in heaven, it has been decided that dubious Christians like Constantine, Arius and perhaps soon Bush and Phelps should clean the toilets and polish the crowns.

reply to post by halfoldman


ahh well you're in the wrong thread...
predictions and spells this way plz...

reply to post by vatel

Oh the bureaucracy of it all.
Infernally confusing.

Rowan Atkinson's (Mr Bean) sketch: "Welcome to Hell".

Ok get this :

if you love iggyziggy...