After the release of Star Wars (yet again) on Blu Ray a lot of disgruntled fans were up in arms about the small changes and tweaks made (yet again) by
Mr George Lucus as he tries to squeeze yet more money out of the franchise that is Star Wars. So while floating around the net I stumbled across this
rather funny article, which I thought I''d share with the lovely folk of ATS.
Sent: 8.59am Thursday 1st September 2011
I hope this email finds you well. I suspect that if we were having an in-person conversation, this is where you would tell me you were fine and ask me
how I’m doing. However, this is an email, and so I don’t have to answer that. Mind your own business.
More importantly, George, I know that you’re not fine. How could you be? People on the Internet can be so cruel. I once waged a campaign of online
hate against Jerry Bruckheimer based entirely on a whim and a looming deadline, for example. There’s no way you aren’t feeling hurt by some of the
things people have been saying about you.
In case you haven’t read them, people are calling you things like “Bo*lock-headed beardo monkey”, “Money-grabbing bum-pincher” and, perhaps
most hurtfully, “A constantly tinkering idiot with a face like a Jawa’s tissue”. I’m here to offer you support and friendship.
Recently, I’ve been watching the new animated series of Scooby Doo, called Scooby Doo – Mystery Incorporated. Have you seen it? It’s really
brilliant. Aside from having excellent animation and a terrific voice cast (including Matthew Lillard, reprising his role from the live action films
to voice a shaggy-looking character called Shaggy), the series manages to pay respectful homage to the original while doing its own, new thing.
It’s very impressive television. If I’d seen the Clone Wars TV series, I would certainly compare them. Unfortunately I haven’t and so I can’t.
Anyway, it’s been great to speak to you, George. Give me a shout if there’s anything I can do for you during this difficult time. And be sure to
check out that Scooby Doo program.
Your good friend
Matt ‘the big cat’ Edwards
Sent: 9.03am Thursday 1st September 2011
Dear Mr. Edwards
We thank you for your enquiry. We at Lucasfilm are always pleased to hear from fans, and we’re glad that you’re looking forward to the Blu-ray
release of the Star Wars films. We really think that this package is something special, and hope that you enjoy experiencing the movies in high
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you that, although he is the father figure of the Lucasfilm family, when you click the ‘contact
us’ button on our website, your email does not go straight through to George Lucas. He’s a very busy man, and is unable to respond to all emails
personally. However, I will attempt to answer your questions on his behalf and hope that will be satisfactory.
“I hope this email finds you well”
Mr Lucas is very well.
“Have you seen the new series of Scooby Dooby Doo?”
Mr Lucas has seen it, and thinks that you’re right, it’s a great series. He thinks that Scooby represents wholesome family entertainment, and that
the dog is just so gosh darn funny. It's a little known fact that the character was actually inspired by Jar Jar Binks.
“…Of course, it doesn’t compare favorably with Clone Wars, but what does?"
Ha! Clone Wars is a great series, I agree.
“…people are calling you things like “Noodle-headed rascal”, “Financially astute rapscallion”, and, perhaps most hurtfully, “A
constantly tinkering idiot with a face like an Adawan’s tissue.”
I would be interested to see the articles the quotes you gave come from. Hey, do you remember when Uwe Boll boxed his critics? It would be awesome if
George did that. People don’t realise it, but George is actually really strong.
Even though Harrison Ford takes all the credit, the tough, cool part about Indiana Jones is actually based on George Lucas. So, if you think George
Lucas isn’t tough, you have to ask yourself, is Indiana Jones tough? Because they’re basically the same person.
Those Internet guys should be careful what they write about George, because he could totally beat them up if he wanted to.
Lucasfilm Customer Services
Sent: 3.47pm Thursday 1st September 2011
Hi ‘John’ ;-)
Thanks for your response.
With regards to which articles those quotes came from; none in particular. I am pretty sure that’s what people are saying, though. I didn’t
realise I was supposed to be specific. I’m sure you are very tough, even if you do look like you’d struggle in a fistfight with Natalie Portman
(which, according to the Internet, you did).
I’m glad to see that you’re in good spirits. Sometimes life can be difficult for people like you and me – perfectionists. We have methods that
no one else understands. You, for example, have been trying to make Star Wars perfect for years. You’ve adjusted, fiddled, tampered and walloped the
film about, all in the name of perfection. Well, that and in an attempt to legitimatise the prequels, but whatevs.
My quest for perfection often involves me procrastinating until I’m almost at the deadline for an article, then turning in any old tat. We carry a
similar cross – that’s why we have such a strong connection.
Anyway, I know that the release of the Blu-rays is very close, but I wanted to suggest that you make a further change.
I know it’s something you’ve probably considered before. Indeed, it’s often discussed as a glaring omission by many fans. I’m talking, of
course, about Ewok scrotums. I hope you will have time to correct this anatomic Ewok kerfuffle before the release of the films. (I also think that
eventually we might like to consider Wookie nipples, but as of right now, I suspect society isn’t ready).
If there's no time before this release, there's always the 3D cinema releases. I have another suggestion for the 3D release - as well as the films
being in 3D, you could also make it sound in more dimensions. I'm not sure exactly how that would work from a technical point of view, but it's
something for you to think about.
See ya, best pal
Matt 'just like that' Edwards
Sent: 3.49pm Thursday 1st September 2011
Thanks for your follow up email. I must stress again - I am not George Lucas. However, I will attempt to answer your points.
"It's clear that you are very tough, and you certainly don't look like you’d struggle in a fistfight with Natalie Portman (although, according to
the Internet, you did)."
Would you be able to send me a link to where you've read this? I'm not angry, I just think it's funny. If only they knew! The truth of the matter is
that George had a very difficult time being on set with Natalie. Not because they didn't get on, but because she fell in love with him.
She was constantly throwing herself at him, and she would try to get at him any way she could - emotional blackmail, sexual advancements,
merchandising rights. At the end of the day, the Lucas-dog doesn't mix business with ladies, yo.
That's the thing people never got about Harrison Ford. Oh sure, he's handsome in a conventional way, if you're into that sort of thing. But George is
handsome in a more real way. George always had first pick of the ladies on the set of the Star Wars movies. Also, without wishing to get too graphic,
George based the length of the Lightsabre on his penis.
edit on 13-9-2011 by Wo0kiEE because: (no reason given)
edit on 13-9-2011 by Wo0kiEE because: (no reason given)