Letting go of the past

Has anyone here gone through something traumatic in their past, and find themselves struggling to win a battle with their 'inner demon'???

The demon is an emotional content that prevents us from letting go. It compels our ego to look at it. Focus on it, and by doing so, strengthen it. The fly to me is the literal physical manifestation of this emotional process. I can not think of it as anything other then a "fly", swarming around my head, distracting my 'consciousness' from the liberation of self awareness.

Anyways. I remember reading Jung once where he said in his experience, people dont 'defeat' their problems by opposing them head on, but rather, by growing beyond them. The problem begins to dissipate not because of any mental 'trick', but because their consciousness has expanded beyond the complex's range of influence....

Im not anywhere up there, although i can definitely see myself as having made great strides over the last few years. Ive had many so called 'cathartic' experiences; where the pain of a particular situation, and the bounds it forced me to cling to, amazingly had the effect of making me mentally stronger. I know this is what people have always said, and it makes total sense when analyzed rationally, yet its one thing to hear it said and understand it, and another to experience it, and see it happening before your conscious mind. In this way it is completely mystical, meaningful and exciting.

But at the same time, theres the fear, and the paranoia of not being able to 'live' beyond the hell that the complex arrests you to. It plays tricks with you; it throws thoughts and ideas into your mind, and if it gets you atleast once, it can have you thinking all sorts of strange and frightful thoughts. Can i deal with not "struggling" with it? I have become identified with it. It has possessed me. I feel a pressure to listen.....

All in the end is rooted on proper knowledge. Proper knowledge brings us to truth, and as the saying goes "the truth will set you free" . Truth presents to the ego a new reality; the true reality. It sets before us how things actually are, and beckons us to believe. If we believe and have faith in it, were set free. Were affixed to the G-d of reality, to the infinite creator who exercises complete freedom of will with his creation. Man can be free, free of conflicting emotions, and free of the exhausting fight with the lower self. He can concentrate on the divine, on the higher 'vision' of truth, and embrace it. After awhile of habituation to this awareness he will 'vibrate', so to say, at a more pure level.

All hinges on belief. Belief, is a wonderous thing. And what greater belief is there then the belief in a living universe? One which knows man, loves man, and directs man to fullfill his divine purpose. To 'rectify' the creation, as the Kabbalists and Gnostics say.

There is a tremendously mystical awareness of man being 'supported' by the infinite one. The G-d described by the biblical prophets. Not the type "understood" by fundamentalist christians or promoted in society - an essentially literalist/anti-philosophical attitude - , but rather the inner, kabbalistic/mystical meaning of the Bible, which conveys the Hebraic philosophical conception of G-d.

This G-d is panentheistic. He is both "In" and "beyond" the world. He is not defined in his being by this worlds phenomena, although the latter help us know something about Him. This G-d not only reveals himself through "nature", of the physical order, but also personally. G-d created mans reality as much as he created nature. He imprinted the "ego" in his being, and allowed him the mystery of a personal relationship with His creator. Afterall, isnt G-d the creator of Reality? And did he not create us as a social creature? With families, monogamous marriages full of personal "ups" and "downs".. Shouldnt our relationship with reality be based on that? Is that not the deepest idea there is? Can reality truly be unified in any other way? This world, with its personal relationships, regarded by so many 'mystics' as "incidental" to this world of 'illusion'.

The Hebrews thought differently (no wonder the theosophists Helena Blavatsky and Alice Bailey always spoke disparigingly of the Hebrews/Jews) According to the Hebraic doctrine, the unique feature of human existence is mans highly refined ability to connect with other human beings, and by doing so, learn of our source, and understand that how we relate with each other, particularly the man/woman relationship, is an analogy for how Mankind is meant to relate to G-d. This is what the beautiful Song of Songs is about. The universe/G-d, united with man. G-d will then become 'incarnate' so to speak, in this world, completely united with in every way. With this wonderous level of perception, man would be above nature. His thoughts - which govern his being - would be able to direct the body. He would be free of constraining emotions. His thoughts, and emotions - his soul - would be united with the center of all. He would be able to make a mockery of physical laws. He could 'teleport' to wherever his thought envisioned. The physical would be an exact reflection of his inner being.

This world and the higher world are two aspects of one reality. They are completely at one. The only way to REVEAL that truth is for man to exercize his freedom of will and agree to believe it. Ignorance creates the separation. Ignorance makes us believe that this world, with its laws of consistency, are immutably so. The fact that belief is a factor sounds liek a joke. Reality is disjointed because of this doubt. Doubt is the killer of the soul. Amalek - the 'firstborn of the nations' as the Jewish Talmud says, cryptically refers to the essence of mans situation. Amalek has the same gematria as the Hebrew word 'Safuk', doubt. The entire narrative in the bible of the Israelites exodus from Egypt, and their being accosted by "amalek", in the desert, on their way to the holy land, all this refers to the process of self realization.

First one recognizes the 'limits' that this world - Egypt (Miztrayim, Egypt, is the same letters as Mitzarim - limits) - presents. Once aware of this, he decides to change it. He commits himself to seeing the world in its true state - the holy land - a place of complete repose and inner tranquility. On his way there he encounters many different things. But the first thing that confronts him is Amalek - the enemy of the Israelites/Jews - בִּרְפִידִם, at Refidim, which means "shades", referring to the place in the mind where the consciousness meets doubt.

וַיֹּאמֶר מֹשֶׁה אֶל-יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בְּחַר-לָנוּ אֲנָשִׁים, וְצֵא הִלָּחֵם בַּעֲמָלֵק; מָחָר, אָנֹכִי נִצָּב עַל-רֹאשׁ הַגִּבְעָה, וּמַטֵּה הָאֱלֹהִים, בְּיָדִי.

And Moses - the soul of the soul - says to Joshua, "go out" - become aware of the presence of doubt - "select some men" - muster some energy - "and fight Amalek" - the doubt.

"Tomorrow i will stand at the top of the hill" - my next act of will will be to be 'above' the presence of doubt - "with the rod of G-d in my hand", with the strength of the knowledge of G-d at my disposal

וְהָיָה, כַּאֲשֶׁר יָרִים מֹשֶׁה יָדוֹ--וְגָבַר יִשְׂרָאֵל; וְכַאֲשֶׁר יָנִיחַ יָדוֹ, וְגָבַר עֲמָלֵק.

"When Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed" - When Moses - the soul - lifted up its gaze towards G-d, he prevails."When he relaxed, Amalek prevailed". When the soul relaxes, or loses focus on the ultimate, when its mind isnt towards G-d, doubt prevails.

What a profound observation. There was a lot of wisdom in your post as there is a lot of wisdom in ancient texts. Allowing the mind to remain imprisoned on matters of hate and fear holds the self back from progression. I have no doubt that you have indulged in mind over matter.

Originally posted by dontreally
Has anyone here gone through something traumatic in their past, and find themselves struggling to win a battle with their 'inner demon'???

The demon is an emotional content that prevents us from letting go. It compels our ego to look at it. Focus on it, and by doing so, strengthen it. The fly to me is the literal physical manifestation of this emotional process. I can not think of it as anything other then a "fly", swarming around my head, distracting my 'consciousness' from the liberation of self awareness.

Yes. Of course, I thought everyone went through this at some point in their lives. To put it simply, when I was a young child and asked my mom why things were the way they were, she said, "You're stronger than them and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Trust me, as a ten year old little girl I hated her for her words. I didn't want to be "strong" and didn't want to deal with what we did. Self awareness begins as a process, I believe, and for some of us it takes years and years.

Prior to turning 40 (back in 2000) I used to let myself be treated badly. There were times (too many) when near abuse happened to me. I know why now, but I often relive those scenes, but with the me -now- . And I wondered why I do that so often. In a dark way, it's fun. Maybe thats it.
(Just wait till they invent the Holodeck!)

The first ten years of my life were spent in a home that was so adept at the various forms of abuse it amazes me that I survived. The great state I reside in removed me and placed me in a series of 11 abusive environments called "foster homes". There I resided until one week prior to my 16 birthday and moved into the state's independent living program. At the age of 18, I aged out of the system.

During the first 18 years of my life, I underwent multiple traumas. At times, I still fixate on what happened to me and try to glean some type of wisdom from the experiences. The fact of the matter is there is no wisdom in abuse. I sometimes fantasize alternate endings to various events. Imagine reacting differently. I am not sure why I have the need to relive the unhappy. My life today is better than I ever imagined. Yet, I journey back to revisit the history of my life.

Over the years, I have stopped screaming in my sleep. I have deep compassion for those who suffer and little tolerance for those who abuse others or feel sorry for themselves. The past is a part of me but it does not define me. There is much more to me than my history of abuse. I am not sure what I gain by revisiting the past. There must be something. If nothing else I guess it gives me insight into myself as well as a finely honed crap detector and the ability to know when it is time to duck long before others even can tell there is a problem. I am not psychic. My survival was dependent on tuning in to environmental variables, body language and other cues that warn danger might be imminent. I am usually right.
Make sense?

I wear my pain well, I am at odds with losing sight of my pain and often fall harder if I forget it.

I have heard the saying, "let it go", my entire life and frankly it stinks to high heaven. I run into more instances of denial than I can shake a stick at and it is those who peddle off the Lovey Dovey to me are the ones who deny that anything ever happened.

Oddly, I even think there are so many people who have "touched" my life for the good and the bad that simply were not "touched" by me, and that leads me to believe that there is something seriously wrong with them.

I have grown tremendously over the years but the battle is far from over. At any rate, I find that I am more in "tune" with my surroundings than most and I do not forget and I do not let go because if I do then it will be like allowing them to win. I can keep trying to forgive them but forgiving myself is far more important obviously; what I do is I have taken to stop blaming them, this is where I have made the most strides! I even stopped blaming GOD and that in itself is a miracle!

reply to post by applebaum

Yet, I journey back to revisit the history of my life.

I do that too. I think it will always be apart of me. But im going to have to learn to accept it without reacting to it. Thats my problem. I think about it, and then negative emotions come along. The very 'wandering' of my thought to that area of myself wants me to accept its false vision. I think it exists, and thats what i mean when i say "apart of me", but it exists in the back, and the history, in my personal/spiritual evolution. Its a phantom that will be 'back there', and im going to have to accept its presence from time to time if im going to allow myself to think less/remember less of it. It sounds hard.

Youre story sounds incredibly painful. In my particular case, ive dealt with 10 years of an emotional disorder - social anxiety - that completely crippled my thought processes. 5 years ago i was a totally different person. I almost seem unrecognizable between that person then and who i am now. It freaks me out. It frustrates me. It drives me crazy just thinking about it. 10 years of my life went down the drain. 10 years of lost family relationships, 10 years of being at home. Didnt finish highschool, or go to college (though i am in it now), my mom frequently says that i "lost my childhood".

None of the above bothers me as deeply as the solution. The solution to my problem was so bloody simple, and recognizably so, that when i think about it, it just makes me veryangry - i guess at the circumstances. I cant believe that i was so insane. That i was so undiscerning, so immature, so idiotic! Its like walking around with a blind fold around your eyes, screaming "im blind". Just take "the blindfold off!" a sane person would say..........

So with me, im still feeling a profound irritation with what i had to do. I went so long without ever realizing that i just had "to be". I got so lost in mind games, and was possessed by so many different complexes........

I also have the feeling of this - my new found confidence in self - as being surreal. I remember thinking 'thats it'. Im done. I am trapped. I am permanently broken. I wont ever be likeable. I wont ever be free of this hell.

And then i went through a bunch of different things. I was meddling with Kundalini meditation - something someone with a emotional disorder should NEVER do - and i critically hurt myself. That day i felt this burning sensation and a onrush of energy. I had all this energy that i didnt know what to do with it. This energy naturally got channelled towards my demons. My weak and broken ego succumbed to the force of this evil, and got me obsessed, and fearful, of schizophrenia, of not being able to sleep...Anything i was remotely sacred of - the major being losing my mind (a natural fear), got be obsessed/possessed by it.

3 weeks i didnt sleep. 21 horrific days. I remember it like it was yesterday. I dont want to say anything more because i dont like thinking about that time.

With the help of G-d, i came through it. I needed some pretty heavy duty medication - 2.0 mg of Seroquel - to get myself back into a normal state. I took that stuff for 3-4 days. That dosage for a person of my weight was WAY too much. It was prescribed for sleep. I should have left it for sleep (it has a tranquilizing effect at that dosage. You can barely think. Youre pretty much rendered unconscious) because taking taht dosage during the day MESSED with my personality. It was a very uncomfortable thing.

Anyways. Got off that, went on some anti-depressants, and i slowly hot better. After this horrific event, i was too scared to not try. I realized i needed to try, and BELIEVE that i can do it. I HAVE to. The creator blessed me with 2 straight weeks of confidence. 2 weeks, and then it was gone. A Hebrew/Jewish saying is "all endings are good". The beginning is the struggle, but the ending will be good. Theres also a saying that G-d lets us 'taste' of the end, in the beginning, to motivate us towards that goal. Thats what he did for me with this event. Around this time also i was becoming more interested in Jewish philosophy. I began reading more in these and other areas (psychology, Eastern/Western philosophy) and the more knowledge i attained to, and the more committed i was to this way of thinking, the more i slowly began to observe myself changing. My anger - towards others, and my fighting with my brother, ended. I now had more self control. More patience, more tolerance, more love...In other words, more wisdom.

Then one day i courageously decided to get off the medication. I thought belief in G-d - in the unviversal - and in mans inherent ability to rise above matter, i got off my medication. Things went decently for awhile. But eventually i began to break down. Weeks passed and eventually i was stuck in the sleeping spell. This time, because i had faith - was able to alteast sleep. I was being EXTENDED majorlly in this period. My faith and belief was being drawn out. Before me was hell, and i had to bring to heart psalm 139:8 "If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!". G-d is everywhere. He is beyond any temporal state. He is present in all. This awareness brought me nearer to a perception and feeling that most people dont experience; atleast not without the help of some evil in their life (or those few saints of a higher awareness who naturally believe this truth).

Since then, i have grown more mature, more wise, more understanding, more patient, more courageous. I have done things i never thought i could do. I have belief.

reply to post by Greensage


Wow, your words are amazing and touched me. You are resilient and that is a gift.

reply to post by Greensage


Blame is useless. Its also an expression of self pity. - which never helps..

I used to blame the psychopath who abused me 13 through 15, and left his mark on my personality (if "Karma" exists, he has alot of compensation to make for himself) till this day. I entertained all sorts of crazy thoughts. None of which i ever had the balls to do. But i still hated him. And i did facebook him once expressing my hate for him.

What does it do?? Nothing. He has his own soul to account for. He hurt many other beings for his own self enjoyment. Was he himself not screwed up? Yes. He was. He had a messed up homelife. Did that give him licence to take it out on others? To emotionally abuse others? To have permanently affected the lifecourse of other people? Thats a major weight he has on his shoulders.

Repentance in this world is a great place to start. Its brings to mind things which you have done wrong in your life. It connects you with the truth of universal justice and equity. Coming to terms to this fact takes a load off you; not all of it, but atleast gets you started. But a nihilist like this kid who abused me ? Who now indulges in nihilistic philosophy and satire? Anything and everything dark and chaotic??

Hes making his choices in life. His choices seem to be for the negative.

This is a pitiful thing to see, but at the same time, "poetic justice"... The one who enjoys evil/stupidity with such avarice will be able to taste the fruit of his actions in the next life.

As for G-d. I dont think i ever really blamed G-d. I remember cursing him once or twice. But i never really felt anger towards Him. I guess i always felt like i needed Him, and without Him i was hopeless. I loved life too much to part with the giver of Life. Im always startled when someone talks or thinks that way. Its natural, of course. But i think its something that one needs reject if hes going to get better. Anger. Hate, Resentment, Jealousy - these emotions will eat you alive.

It is impossible to let go of the past, it lives within us every day. Anyone who denies it isn't telling the truth imo.

The trick is to accept it as part of us and use the experiences to our advantage.

I don't think letting go of the past has anything to do with the "divine" or god. It's not an exclusive thing.

reply to post by nerbot


I agree with you to an extent, the past shaped who we are today, but its up to us to decide which path we take in our future. everything that has happened up until you have even read this reply to your post has an effect on your personality, it becomes your own history even if you choose not to remember it.

To give you an honest story I have no memories of my childhood ( except a few very clear 'good times' ) my memories, this history started the day my mother sat me down and told me my father wouldn't be coming home anymore as they were getting a divorce .
I was 11 and now that I'm 40 I have come to realise that my father must have abused me in such a way that I have no memory of him in my past at all, sure I have scattered memories of his side of the family grandparents and aunts but none at all of him even being there, but they were ALL good times but with no clear discernable linear clues.
My mother often spoke of my father mentally assaulting me with viscious name calling, slapping etc but as I said I have no memory of it ever happening, talk about a solid mental block.
Anyways on the day my mother told me the news I became who I am today, confident to the point of cocky ( I was very introvert apparently), respectful of others to the point of putting them before me in most aspects, being kind and polite, My twin however was the favoured child and I do not begrudge him but he has become very spoiled, mercenary even in both seeking attention and monetary funds.

I met my father after 25 years very irregular contact, we'd pass on the street ( I was riding my motorcycle through London and he'd be driving his coach so I'd see him more than have a chance to stop and chat).

But these days I speak to him on a regularbasis andI have forgiven him to the point of asking him about my past, he cried and apologised but I still forgave him even inviting him and his wife to stay a weekend at my home. My brother won't have anything to do with him now.

Your past makes you who you are now, it's upto you to decide HOW you are. You can always change aspects of yourself you don't like, cosmetic surgery is expensive but its less gratifying than changing your personality, the hard work makes it all worthwhile and infinately more rewardable.

People we meet on the street even in passing become a memory and can shape who we are, but most people don't realise that, they just continue on in their own worlds unaware of the impact they may be having.
reply to post by nerbot