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Can you please review this paragraph of my story?

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posted on May, 31 2011 @ 01:45 AM
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Is is a story about a girl who gets pregnant with a demon then she is kicked out by her abusive mother. If the demon is born then the apocalypse will start.Do you all have any ideas or suggestions please?

The plate broke the minute it hit the wall next to me. White shards of ceramic then scattered around me like the first snowfall. She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when she would decide to stop…If she ever did. Sometimes she would fall into a heap on the kitchen floor if she was drunk enough but I had no such luck tonight because the wine bottle on the counter remained unopened. She then did something I never thought she would do. Before I even recovered from the shock of the smashed plate she grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over my head. Red wine rushed over my body like blood. More glass on the floor now…I was stuck on that spot if I did not want to slice open my bare feet. I wished more than ever that she would stop.




posted on May, 31 2011 @ 02:11 AM
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I'm not quite sure what you're asking for in the way of ideas or suggestions, but (keeping in mind that it's late night for me and I've been working all day), here's how I would probably recast your paragraph:

The plate shattered as it slammed into the wall next to me and shards of white ceramic showered down around me like the first snowfall. She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when she would decide to stop...if she ever did. In the past, she would sometimes fall down into an incoherent heap on the kitchen floor, if she was drunk enough. But tonight, I had no such luck because the wine bottle still sat on the counter unopened and untouched. And then she did something that I never thought she would do. Before I had even recovered from the shattered plate, she grabbed the unopened wine bottle and smashed it down over my head. Red wine flooded down my body like blood. There was even more glass on the floor now and I realized that I was stuck in that spot unless I wanted to slice my bare feet open on the broken glass. I wished more than ever that she would stop.



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 02:18 AM
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reply to post by PrincessSerena
 


It sounds like a reporter reporting on the story.

Imagine yourself in her shoes, how would you tell the story? That's where realism is mixed with fiction, to bring fiction to life. What you have done is different, you are making the girl describe the her story in a professional manner, then again depends on what sort of story you are writing.

Edit to add, I kinda don't know what I'm talking about lol.. the opening is great, now I'm curious what the rest of the story will be like.
edit on 31-5-2011 by confreak because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 02:27 AM
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reply to post by PrincessSerena
 


is arnie gonna do the movie?

to many "me" 's in the first two lines or so makes it sound like a teenager wrote it.
and she and i...

The Man: Now you're making me angry. You don't want to see me angry.
Jericho Cane: Oh, you think you're bad, huh? You're a #ing choir boy compared to me! A CHOIR BOY!
The Man: You're in touch with your anger. I admire that. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to have a drink.

try and fit this dialogue in somewhere



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 03:01 AM
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reply to post by PrincessSerena
 


Use the senses. Imagine yourself as the character, what does she see, smell, taste, hear and feel, in vivid detail? Let your imagination run wild.

Also, throw some adjectives around. The ceramic plate smashed instantly as it pounded against the worn-out wall beside my tired, tear-stained face. White shards wisped around me, skimming my scarred skin like the first snowfall of winter.
Clearly, I am also a fan of alliteration.
Bring texture, detail and excitement to the story by choosing your words carefully - which sounds more exciting, 'she ran to the finish line' or 'she raced to the finish line'?

In my head, I was screaming, begging for her to stop.
That kind of thing.. It really depends on what mood you want to create. Be mindful of how the words you use create atmosphere not just by their meaning by but also by their sound. If a word sounds harsh but you're going for a soft mood, consider an alternative.

All the best!

edit on 31/5/11 by pretty_vacant because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 03:26 AM
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Originally posted by PrincessSerena
Is is a story about a girl who gets pregnant with a demon then she is kicked out by her abusive mother. If the demon is born then the apocalypse will start.Do you all have any ideas or suggestions please?

The plate broke the minute it hit the wall next to me. White shards of ceramic then scattered around me like the first snowfall. She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when she would decide to stop…If she ever did. Sometimes she would fall into a heap on the kitchen floor if she was drunk enough but I had no such luck tonight because the wine bottle on the counter remained unopened. She then did something I never thought she would do. Before I even recovered from the shock of the smashed plate she grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over my head. Red wine rushed over my body like blood. More glass on the floor now…I was stuck on that spot if I did not want to slice open my bare feet. I wished more than ever that she would stop.


Since you asked...

The plate shattered as it smashed into the wall next to me; razor-sharp shards of white ceramic exploding like a star going nova. She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when, or if, she would ever decide to stop. Sometimes, if she was drunk enough, she would fall into a heap on the kitchen floor; but tonight I knew I wouldn't be so lucky - the wine bottle on the counter remained unopened.

Then, before I had a chance to recover from the shock of the exploding plate, she did something I never imagined; she grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over my head. Red wine spilled out from newly formed gash under my hair, indistinguishable from the blood that poured from my scalp. Blinded by the mixture of wine and blood, I was afraid to add to my ever increasing exsanguination by slicing my bare feet on the glass now surrounding them. I wished more than ever that she would stop.

I'll tell you why I edited the paragraph as I did:

Plates don't take a minute to explode. It is sudden and violent, like a star going nova.
The shards from the plate wouldn't fall like snow either, rather they would shoot out rapidly in all directions.
I chose to equate the wine with blood by using the word "exsanguination," the root of which applies to both words.
Blood rushes through your body, and not over it.
I suppose I made the rest of the changes because, to me, it sounded much smoother and less fragmented.

By way of my qualifications, I've been a writer my entire adult life, making a living at putting pen to paper since 1987, so I do hope I know what I'm talking about.


You can clean up your phrasing a bit, and try to make your metaphors and similes more accurately reflect what you are trying to describe, but I'd say - from looking at that one paragraph - that you are doing pretty well.

Keep it up. I expect great things from you.

edit on 5/31/2011 by OldCorp because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 03:30 AM
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Depict the scene and not state the narrative in third person. Act as if you are the character and try to imagine how she would speak. Remember, you are writing a story and not an essay.....The idea is to captivate the reader into the world of the narrator/protagonist.
edit on 31-5-2011 by Leonardo01 because: grammatical errors



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 05:17 AM
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The dinner plate slammed into the wall next to me, shards of white ceramic showered me like the first winter snowfall. For the past hour my mother had been yelling at me and I wondered when she would ever stop. Usually she would fall down into an incoherent heap on the kitchen floor, drunk. But tonight, I had no such luck as her wine bottle stood proud, still unopened on the kitchen counter. The last thing I remember was her standing over me, swinging the bottle down over my head.

I awoke dazed. Red wine flooded down my body like blood. ...........................
edit on 31-5-2011 by guessing because: (no reason given)

edit on 31-5-2011 by guessing because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 05:37 AM
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I know it's a common sentence, but a plate does not take a minute to be smashed against a wall. I'd use some other expression or just forget about the timing.

And as general suggestion (not necessarily to be extended to this paragraph), sometimes it's better to re-write than correct.



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 06:42 AM
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reply to post by PrincessSerena
 


I'll gladly help with re-work of your paragraph if you show you are reading your post. I see many people have taken their time to post for you and they receive no response. Did you give up on your project? Who knows? It's like there is no further interest.

I don't mean to come across as mean-spirited or arrogant. I've recently realized how many OPs do not follow through after people take the time to respond and I'm trying to make the most use of my time. Thanks



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 08:07 AM
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Originally posted by PrincessSerena
The plate broke the minute it hit the wall next to me. White shards of ceramic then scattered around me like the first snowfall. She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when she would decide to stop…If she ever did. Sometimes she would fall into a heap on the kitchen floor if she was drunk enough but I had no such luck tonight because the wine bottle on the counter remained unopened. She then did something I never thought she would do. Before I even recovered from the shock of the smashed plate she grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over my head. Red wine rushed over my body like blood. More glass on the floor now…I was stuck on that spot if I did not want to slice open my bare feet. I wished more than ever that she would stop.


I'd prefer to expand and break the moment into more than one paragraph:

I caught a glimpse of the flying plate in my peripheral vision a split second before it shattered against the wall. Sharp ceramic shrapnel exploded in all directions... on the floor, the kitchen table, in my hair. Flinching from the loud crash, my attention immediately went back to mom who had been riding a storm of a temper for the past half hour.

Usually, she was dead drunk by this late in the evening. Her spate of senseless ranting would normally have petered out with her lying prostrate on the floor, mouth open, wine coloured teeth exposed and spittle flecking her hollowed cheeks. I loathed her at those times... deeply, but at least she'd be silent except for her burbling snore.

Tonight, she was lucid and I was unlucky. She was not her usual inane drunk self. I was scanning the floor for a way out of the sharp minefield, barefoot, when, out of nowhere, she hefted an unopened bottle of Pelee Island Merlot and smashed it down over my head. My last view before falling was of a spray of red filling the air.

 


I dare anyone to say that they would be still conscious very long after getting clocked over the head by a full bottle of wine.
edit on 31/5/11 by masqua because: Grammatical error



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 06:50 PM
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Originally posted by LargeFries
reply to post by PrincessSerena
 


I'll gladly help with re-work of your paragraph if you show you are reading your post. I see many people have taken their time to post for you and they receive no response. Did you give up on your project? Who knows? It's like there is no further interest.

I don't mean to come across as mean-spirited or arrogant. I've recently realized how many OPs do not follow through after people take the time to respond and I'm trying to make the most use of my time. Thanks



Oh sorry! I just logged on a few minutes ago and this was the first thing I have checked so I would never do that....



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 06:53 PM
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Originally posted by questcequecest
reply to post by PrincessSerena
 


is arnie gonna do the movie?

to many "me" 's in the first two lines or so makes it sound like a teenager wrote it.
and she and i...

The Man: Now you're making me angry. You don't want to see me angry.
Jericho Cane: Oh, you think you're bad, huh? You're a #ing choir boy compared to me! A CHOIR BOY!
The Man: You're in touch with your anger. I admire that. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to have a drink.

try and fit this dialogue in somewhere



Lol that was random but thanks.



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 06:54 PM
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Originally posted by masqua

Originally posted by PrincessSerena
The plate broke the minute it hit the wall next to me. White shards of ceramic then scattered around me like the first snowfall. She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when she would decide to stop…If she ever did. Sometimes she would fall into a heap on the kitchen floor if she was drunk enough but I had no such luck tonight because the wine bottle on the counter remained unopened. She then did something I never thought she would do. Before I even recovered from the shock of the smashed plate she grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over my head. Red wine rushed over my body like blood. More glass on the floor now…I was stuck on that spot if I did not want to slice open my bare feet. I wished more than ever that she would stop.


I'd prefer to expand and break the moment into more than one paragraph:

I caught a glimpse of the flying plate in my peripheral vision a split second before it shattered against the wall. Sharp ceramic shrapnel exploded in all directions... on the floor, the kitchen table, in my hair. Flinching from the loud crash, my attention immediately went back to mom who had been riding a storm of a temper for the past half hour.

Usually, she was dead drunk by this late in the evening. Her normal spate of senseless ranting would normally have petered out with her lying prostrate on the floor, mouth open, wine coloured teeth exposed and spittle flecking her hollowed cheeks. I loathed her at those times... deeply, but at least she'd be silent except for her burbling snore.

Tonight, she was lucid and I was unlucky. She was not her usual inane drunk self. I was scanning the floor for a way out of the sharp minefield, barefoot, when, out of nowhere, she hefted an unopened bottle of Pelee Island Merlot and smashed it down over my head. My last view before falling was of a spray of red filling the air.

 


I dare anyone to say that they would be still conscious very long after getting clocked over the head by a full bottle of wine.
edit on 31/5/11 by masqua because: Grammatical error



Thank you so much for your reply! it is very well written and specific. thank you.



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 06:56 PM
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Originally posted by guessing
The dinner plate slammed into the wall next to me, shards of white ceramic showered me like the first winter snowfall. For the past hour my mother had been yelling at me and I wondered when she would ever stop. Usually she would fall down into an incoherent heap on the kitchen floor, drunk. But tonight, I had no such luck as her wine bottle stood proud, still unopened on the kitchen counter. The last thing I remember was her standing over me, swinging the bottle down over my head.

I awoke dazed. Red wine flooded down my body like blood. ...........................
edit on 31-5-2011 by guessing because: (no reason given)

edit on 31-5-2011 by guessing because: (no reason given)



Beautiful...



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 06:58 PM
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Originally posted by pretty_vacant
reply to post by PrincessSerena
 


Use the senses. Imagine yourself as the character, what does she see, smell, taste, hear and feel, in vivid detail? Let your imagination run wild.

Also, throw some adjectives around. The ceramic plate smashed instantly as it pounded against the worn-out wall beside my tired, tear-stained face. White shards wisped around me, skimming my scarred skin like the first snowfall of winter.
Clearly, I am also a fan of alliteration.
Bring texture, detail and excitement to the story by choosing your words carefully - which sounds more exciting, 'she ran to the finish line' or 'she raced to the finish line'?

In my head, I was screaming, begging for her to stop.
That kind of thing.. It really depends on what mood you want to create. Be mindful of how the words you use create atmosphere not just by their meaning by but also by their sound. If a word sounds harsh but you're going for a soft mood, consider an alternative.

All the best!

edit on 31/5/11 by pretty_vacant because: (no reason given)


Thank you!



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 07:03 PM
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Originally posted by OldCorp

Originally posted by PrincessSerena
Is is a story about a girl who gets pregnant with a demon then she is kicked out by her abusive mother. If the demon is born then the apocalypse will start.Do you all have any ideas or suggestions please?

The plate broke the minute it hit the wall next to me. White shards of ceramic then scattered around me like the first snowfall. She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when she would decide to stop…If she ever did. Sometimes she would fall into a heap on the kitchen floor if she was drunk enough but I had no such luck tonight because the wine bottle on the counter remained unopened. She then did something I never thought she would do. Before I even recovered from the shock of the smashed plate she grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over my head. Red wine rushed over my body like blood. More glass on the floor now…I was stuck on that spot if I did not want to slice open my bare feet. I wished more than ever that she would stop.




trying to recover from a block. Since you asked...

The plate shattered as it smashed into the wall next to me; razor-sharp shards of white ceramic exploding like a star going nova. She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when, or if, she would ever decide to stop. Sometimes, if she was drunk enough, she would fall into a heap on the kitchen floor; but tonight I knew I wouldn't be so lucky - the wine bottle on the counter remained unopened.

Then, before I had a chance to recover from the shock of the exploding plate, she did something I never imagined; she grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over my head. Red wine spilled out from newly formed gash under my hair, indistinguishable from the blood that poured from my scalp. Blinded by the mixture of wine and blood, I was afraid to add to my ever increasing exsanguination by slicing my bare feet on the glass now surrounding them. I wished more than ever that she would stop.

I'll tell you why I edited the paragraph as I did:

Plates don't take a minute to explode. It is sudden and violent, like a star going nova.
The shards from the plate wouldn't fall like snow either, rather they would shoot out rapidly in all directions.
I chose to equate the wine with blood by using the word "exsanguination," the root of which applies to both words.
Blood rushes through your body, and not over it.
I suppose I made the rest of the changes because, to me, it sounded much smoother and less fragmented.

By way of my qualifications, I've been a writer my entire adult life, making a living at putting pen to paper since 1987, so I do hope I know what I'm talking about.


You can clean up your phrasing a bit, and try to make your metaphors and similes more accurately reflect what you are trying to describe, but I'd say - from looking at that one paragraph - that you are doing pretty well.

Keep it up. I expect great things from you.

edit on 5/31/2011 by OldCorp because: (no reason given)


Oh thank you! I have always wanted to be a writer and I am recovering from a block.



posted on May, 31 2011 @ 07:05 PM
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Originally posted by Leonardo01
Depict the scene and not state the narrative in third person. Act as if you are the character and try to imagine how she would speak. Remember, you are writing a story and not an essay.....The idea is to captivate the reader into the world of the narrator/protagonist.
edit on 31-5-2011 by Leonardo01 because: grammatical errors


Thank you, I will work on it.



posted on Jun, 1 2011 @ 03:34 PM
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Originally posted by PrincessSerena
Is is a story about a girl who gets pregnant with a demon then she is kicked out by her abusive mother. If the demon is born then the apocalypse will start.Do you all have any ideas or suggestions please?

The plate broke the minute it hit the wall next to me. White shards of ceramic then scattered around me like the first snowfall. She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when she would decide to stop…If she ever did. Sometimes she would fall into a heap on the kitchen floor if she was drunk enough but I had no such luck tonight because the wine bottle on the counter remained unopened. She then did something I never thought she would do. Before I even recovered from the shock of the smashed plate she grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over my head. Red wine rushed over my body like blood. More glass on the floor now…I was stuck on that spot if I did not want to slice open my bare feet. I wished more than ever that she would stop.


PrincessSerena thanks so much for your reply to my 1st post. Now, let's get to business!


"The plate broke the minute it hit the wall next to me. White shards of ceramic then scattered around me like the first snowfall."

I would replace "minute" with 'second', drop the period and continue with "breaking into pieces of many sizes, I looked in astonishment at the destruction surrounding my feet".

"She had been yelling at me..." Who is "she"? Identify by name, title or descriptive for a stranger.

"She had been yelling at me for the past hour and I wondered when she would decide to stop…If she ever did."
could be: "It seemed as if Mrs.Stinkybottom had been yelling all day. When would it end?"

"Sometimes she would fall into a heap on the kitchen floor if she was drunk enough but I had no such luck tonight because the wine bottle on the counter remained unopened."
could be: "I came to relish the times she was passed out on the floor. Noticing the new bottle of cheap red wine on the table I knew something was amiss. This was not like her. Stinkybottom, when are you just going to die, I thought to myself"

"She then did something I never thought she would do. Before I even recovered from the shock of the smashed plate she grabbed the wine bottle and smashed it over my head. Red wine rushed over my body like blood. More glass on the floor now…I was stuck on that spot if I did not want to slice open my bare feet. I wished more than ever that she would stop."

That is asking the reader to swallow a little too much, perhaps. You can hospitalize or kill someone with such a blow to the head. Maybe you could continue Mrs.Stinkybottom's raging....
could be: "As I kneeled to pick up the shards of my dinner plate I heard the wine bottle barely miss my head, making a dull sounding thud against the wall. I was showered with filthy smelling pedestrian table wine. That bitch! I was mad enough to kill her. I'd taken too much for too long, and today she was playing my last nerve like Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock"

PrincessSerena I hope you'll find something that will help with your story writing in my samples. Because of how much I've learned I recommend you peek around on eBay, half.com, abebooks or Amazon and get a few titles that will help you wit your writing. You can get some really good books used for cheap. Not only will they help you with making an outline, plot, character creation & growth etcetera, they will also help you with use, grammar, punctuation etcetera.

Most important Rule of Writing? Plant your behind firmly in the chair, address the keyboard and write, write, write.

Best of luck to you




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