posted on Apr, 26 2011 @ 12:19 PM
I sit here at home, watching my children watch Dora The Explorer and play Nintendo thinking to myself; what will their future be like?
It’s my day off from the hospital where I work as a nurse. I'm tired and burned out. I think about my future; will I have a retirement? Will
society survive long enough for me to make it that far? Will I be able to hold it together any longer before I just crack up?
I went to Facebook a few years ago to play games, meet other people and develop a sense of community online that my personal life lacks, due to
parenting, work and local demographics. What I found was that I became depressed. I wanted so much to share with people and family what is happening
in the world. I wanted to get the word out about such topics that mainstream media refuses to cover. With nearly 1000 “friends” my responses were
way less than 1%. Nobody cared, so it seemed. I have since quit Facebook, except to directly contact some family members.
So looking online I found ATS! WOW! All the topics I love! So much information! I have spent 4 months reading everything I can, making connections in
my mind about how everything relates or connects to each other…..etc…etc..
So now, I sit back and wonder if having too much knowledge about some things healthy? They say knowledge is power, and yes it is if you have the means
to act on that knowledge to change or sway an outcome.
I feel as though I have done the best I can to prepare my family for some unprecedented catastrophic event. I sometimes feel as though I have taken on
too much and the responsibility can be heavy. I work full time x3 days a week helping people every day without any gratitude. I home school my
children, I grow my own gardens and livestock. Our family practices Isshinryu Karate and our home is well equipped for self defense. We are well
prepared “on the books”. BUT BUT BUT……………..
I continue to have strange dreams every night, and have a record of precognitive dreams starting since I was 12 years old after a near death drowning
incident. I am an earth based type of person, and find coincidence and synchronicity in life more than meaningful. I am also a skeptic and a believer
and find that I sit on the fence so often because I can always see all sides……
It makes life hard because what is happening in the world has become soooo depressing. Everything I read about is just too much! The world is so
F&*$%# UP! The powers that be and that are in control don’t care about anything but themselves (whoever and whatever they are). There is nothing I
can do about any of it. I have no time or energy, I have no $$$. I feel like I am a peasant………yeah I have more than most people in the world
just because I live in a country where consuming is the thing to do, but it does not feed the soul……America is starting to feel soulless to
me……its like the gwen towers are telling people to go to sleep....(my attempt at humor)
On top of all that, my father is very sick, going home on hospice and lives on the west coast and I on the east. So I am about to get on an airplane
and not happy about that. I’m about to go see him for the first time in 3 years, and am not ready. It’s one thing to be a nurse for strangers but
another to actually look at your parent and know that when you leave to go back home, that will be the last time you see him……All of this leaves
me just wanting a stiff drink, a Xanax and if I smoked, a nice reefer…….because everything right now just seems hopeless…….