reply to post by Gakus
It''s an almost unbearable sorrow. thank you, and for others, who instead of perhaps assuming or even jumping to some absurd conclusiion (i find the
appearance of this thread in relation to the one i posted last night sycnronistic at least), were moved, not to revulsion about my story of my family,
the crazy god and suffering family of origin of mine (which i've almost come to see as a microcosm of the macrocosm in a way), of adoption and of a
mishandled inheritance (my fault), and of a very grave error, and hidesously selfish act by a very sick and sorrowful, suffering man, a man child in
need of love missing as an infant, my Dad.
I think the smallest of initial causes, are capable of unleashing such things.
And so I chalk it all up to a failure of love, starting with the framework, of the family of origin.
That said, however, I don't think we can ever pinpoint it with precision in that manner, as I indicated in that intro post, for all we know, it
started when some Neaderthal hit another over the head to steal his woman, or steal or harm that man's children.
So where does it stop, where does it end? Where is the end of evil, if not with me, and with you, now, and in part, that also involves the very way in
which we look at the world and historical causation.
You see, i have no choice, but to go to any lengths, to somehow turn it into a gift of some kind for humanity, it's all I can TRY to do, to heal it,
not just inwardly, born of forgiveness of my father, but outwardly, through everyone.
That said, I totally understand the anger and the revulsion, and the HATRED. But that can drive a man, or society, into a self destrucive way of
being, in one form or another, and this, at some level, has been the story of my life, bringing the suffering down upon my head, get this, for having
been PASSED OVER because they were my brothers as I, his "true blood". Deal with that?!
I'm so glad people now understand much better who I am and what's been driving me.
I MUST be driven by ONLY love, it's the way I was made, not by genetics, but by circumstance, and therefore, I don't have that vengeful type mind most
people do in relation to these things, which ITSELF only makes me feel guilty for no reason yet again.
God it's SAD! So sad.
BUT, thank God, there is also joy on the other side of suffering, where the more that suffering carves into our being, the more joy we can contain, so
that's what I'd like to get to work on, without at the same time, thinking I can just dismiss it out of hand, like it's not a factor, that type of
So it is only in this way that I am anti-Christ - I was passed over, in the middle, UNHARMED, while my BROTHER was abused by a devilish spirit, if
anything he's the Christ-like figure in this story, the Church framed on either side of my family, like twin pillars erected by God. Crazy! Absurd,
and perhaps, at the very end of the day, and in the final analysis, somewhat amuzing, but ONLY if I have someone to both cry AND laugh along with me,
and so there's my desperation for acknowledgement and friendship, and mutual understanding.
A heck of a thing to go through, for no reason at all. So mine is a neccessary unneccesary suffering, and in my view, joy beats suffering to the
punch, hands down, every time in eternity, so then it's all good. I therefore MUST ask the haters to reconsider their position, not because I am in
any way at fault or the problem, but because I have to be the solution and I NEED you, and reaching out is ALSO hard to do.
It's one HECK of a predicament, but this is why God made me so smart, not to become an engineer or a Professor, like my beloved Grandfather, but to be
there, to help work out this problem, not just for me, but for everyone, the whole damn world over!
Sigh. Very tought stuff. That's all I have to say, no more from me, the ultimate narcissist by design.
P.S. This is absurd, given my courage around this issue and the apparent spirit of my action, my heart, laid out there, but just for the record,
although I've had problems, I neverf acted out in a way which caused harm to anyone, just in case, because I know the way some people think around
here, and it's a fair assumption or question to ask really, especially when you se the line in my sig and wonder what's in that "past" I'm referring
to, but it's nothing like that, and most certainly not any more, having done much of the work to deal with this thing, also plainly evident.
It is very strange, to feel guilty for something you did not do, and have to forgive another, who did not sin against you directly, very unusual.
edit on 17-12-2010 by NewAgeMan because: (no reason given)