How to Keep Your Cool

Well, I'm not sure this is the right forum or not, but closest I could find. I am wondering the thoughts of different folks when faced with downright aggression. I meditate and when I get frustrated with things or people, I repeat my mantra internally.

I try not to be violent back, or respond to threats and taunts, try not to inflame the situation. However, lately I've been really tested by a person who threatened me with bodily harm, continues to taunt me, and I have no real recourse at this point other than to ignore it. Of course, I filed a criminal complaint with the police and have tried to stay out of the person's way. Events are unfolding due to their actions so that they may not be around much longer to bother me. (This is not a family member, friend, spouse, etc).

I try to not think about it, try to remain calm, and have do nothing violent in response or even talk to this person who still verbally abuses me from a distance. Besides getting a restraining order, filing a lawsuit, all things I'm capable of, I'm wondering how to COPE. It has caused me to be very edgy, scared, with loss of sleep, forgetful, etc.

I don't want to be cruel or mean in return (I truly believe in karma) but on the other hand, sometimes I have fantasies of things I would like to say and do. This kinda bothers me. I'd like to "be above it all." I guess I'm still just downright human. When my spouse makes derogatory statements about the person, I tell him that "that's not good, don't think that, wish that, etc." In some ways, I do have compassion, as I wonder what would make a person become so hateful that they would do the things they have done. It makes me think they have been abused themselves.

On the other hand, I'm terrified of being by myself in public as I was attacked in public and believe this person has no self control. I carry pepper spray with me at all times.

I believe there is a "lesson" here for me to learn, I want to pass the test.....but I'm not sure how. How do you go about being above the hatred, not being afraid, and not being vengeful.
I have asked for help from higher powers than myself (the universe, GOD, my spiritual teacher). But the part of me that is scared wants to kick this person's butt so I no longer have to worry.....it's a conundrum...

Thoughts please....

Wow,
all of these things
have happened to me.

I moved away, in each case.
To somewhere that was better off.

I used to angst over if I should have stayed
been the example that I wanted to see, but no.

Even if someone thinks they are playing
a game by sending me your-not-
welcome signals I figure that
it is _their_ loss cause
now I _am_ leaving.


David Grouchy

Air conditioning works for me.


A fan helps if the AC is broke though.

I have always been a go with the flow guy. If i see someone...being childish, and causing others hurt, i tend to hurt them. But mind you, hurting them is only part of the rehabilitation process.

Hurting them physically also hurts them mentally. Thats why people express great emotion when being talked down to, or beat down.

If you get someone in that state, you have a extremely massive chance to get them to realize their stupidness. From their, they will either go crazy or agree and befriend you.

The crazy ones show bad action and eventually take themselves down.

The trick is not to play the game in the first place. Be the ref, setting things straight.

In a game, you can win or lose. But the ref dictates. The ref has no consequences with the outcome. But rather the ref has influence of the outcome. And in the game most play today, thats more than enough to do some changing and cleaning up.

Just let go.

Next time this jack*** does that what you do is stand up straight in his face, shrug your shoulders, look in his eyes and say while lightly nodding your head... I .don't..really.. give.. a.. f***. You need this to feel good about yourself so lets do it. Perhaps you misunderstood me but I don't really give a f***. Maybe you'll kick my ass but I don't care and if you really want to try it and lose, I'm going to hurt you. I'm going to f***** humiliate you.

So go ahead. Try me.

If he hits you then either fight him or run and report the assault. Don't be afraid to take a punch. It's not that bad.

Edit: typos

[edit on 25-7-2010 by pirhanna]

reply to post by goobgirl


Hope you will get through this okay goobgirl.

As I read it you are a very balanced person with the right mindset. Karma is indeed a fact to me as well.

To want to respond in a mean manner is nothing more then human and the trick I always use is to see my bad thoughts or feelings as a separate person in myself. Don't tell it to go away or beat yourself up over it. Just accept that person. Acknowledge it's presents and give it love.....lots of love and let it know you are in control. Put it beside you, like a little child, and tell it to stay in it's seat...

It will melt like snow on a hot august day...

Peace

Pepper Spray? That stuff is a joke, you can drink it and still come after someone. lol.

No, what you really NEED is to take a martial arts class. You need to learn how to use your body to defend yourself.

Learning a Martial Art will teach you self-defense. It will teach you self-respect. It will teach you hope to Cope with your anger, and to deal with it in a peaceful manner rather than letting it explode and harm anyone.

But, if this lunatic tries to hurt you, you need to crush them. Only by defeating them will they ever learn. If even then.

Don't expect the police to do anything. They won't. The police are USELESS you better remember that. You and your hubby better get into martial arts right away.

And maybe look into some real self defense weaponry. That pepper spray is a JOKE, anyone with willpower can walk right through it and still get you.

If you do not like guns, get something like nun-chucks or hell even some brass knuckles. Anything works really, and will leave a serious impact. Just don't expect that crappy spray to save you against a hardened psychopath. It won't even slow him down, I'm afraid.

[edit on 25-7-2010 by muzzleflash]

There is nothing cruel or mean about defending oneself. I might also suggest mixed martial arts classes. They are awesome as a self defense tool as well as helping your confidence. When you know absolutely that you could absolutely mutilate the offender if necessary, it does a world of good mentally, and more often than not, they will back down.

Where I grew up, I was beat by gangs of guys pretty much daily for years. I know a little about this. I know about the intimidation, the fear, the trepidation. It's worse than the beating. Personally I'd rather go down fighting now than ever feel that way again.

[edit on 25-7-2010 by pirhanna]

DG,

It's not feasible for me to move right now. We just moved and are renovating. Like I said, I have information that the person may not be a threat very soon. I believe the person is a coward, as most bullies are. I'm a grown woman and this reminds me of grade school. Except, I never had to deal with this crap as a child since I always got along with people (except for two separate occasions when I was bullied and I ended up physically knocking out/down my tormentors).

Obviously, I don't want to resort to violence or pettiness. I just want to be above it. But it's kind of an "in your face" thing right now on a daily basis.

I'm actually a petite woman, but when I get very angry I'm a force to be reckoned with. I'm a Scorpio and by nature can be sneaky and vengeful. These are traits I try to rise above and resist.

I've had a tough year with family too and had to stop interacting with key family members who were exceeding their boundaries.

To me the whole lesson this year is about boundaries: how to set them, how to enforce them. Generally, I'm a live and let live type person. I've let people say and do things more without my reactions as I don't want to be pulled into drama. Yet I wonder if being so laid back sometimes is the wrong way to go....

Well this is a really interesting topic =] I have dealt with verbal abuse before and as you know, its extremely hard to rise above it. So you being able to do your mantra and not resorting to violence back is EXTREMELY mature of you.

Oddly enough, I do the mantra thing also! And it does help.

Sometimes when im REALLY angry, I just beat up a pillow.

reply to post by pirhanna


Im going to agree with you there though. If you really feel like your life is being threatened, DO TAKE SELF DEFENSE CLASSES. And arm yourself with something, even if its just a pen! When I took walks alone I would carry a pen with me just in case, it does the job lol.

Please be careful, and im sorry to hear about your situation. If your ever overwhelmed and need to vent or talk about it, im a u2u away.

reply to post by goobgirl


As my post above shows, I use humor to keep myself on an even keel. I always try to not take myself too seriously so that I don't let pride affect my judgment.

I have also used humor to turn former enemies into friends. I had one guy here who used to flame me violently in my threads. I posted a little joke on his profile and we've been good friends ever since.

It helps to show other people that you are not an uptight jerk and that you have the ability to laugh at yourself.

If someone hates you enough to threaten you, it may help to find out WHY. If it is a result of a misunderstanding, it may be best to attempt to make your peace with that person.

Of course they could just be some crazy psycho, in that case, I say buy a gun and be ready to use it. (It's good to have one anyway, it lets the government know they can't get away with too much)

reply to post by muzzleflash


Sounds like you've never been sprayed with pepper spray. There is a small percentage that is immuned to it but its far from being a joke. I'll take a tazer over pepper spray anyday. Had to be sprayed with it in police academy and it sucked for about 25 minutes and only time eases the pain.

reply to post by muzzleflash

But, if this lunatic tries to hurt you, you need to crush them. Only by defeating them will they ever learn. If even then.

LOL

What school did you attend??

I agree with your post but my sensei told me on day one that if I ever hit or kicked anybody, I would not have to come back to the dojo. If your opponent move in a certain direction, go with that direction and let gravity do the rest. I am pretty sure "crushing" him/her does not fall under that category.

I have been doing martial arts (judo) for 25 years now and never have I hit a person in my life!!

Peace

[edit on 25-7-2010 by operation mindcrime]

I hear you all about the protecting yourself and how pepper spray probably is useless. Hubby says if it comes down to a physical confrontation to clap them on the ears like a giant cymbal...

My hubby has had martial arts training and used to work with the Guardian Angels. His take is that this person (who is a woman, a big woman with a loud mouth) has more bark than bite. I take his word on that after all his years on the street and his intuition.

I actually have a physical disability that precludes me taking martial arts classes. I'm not afraid of guns, but haven't used anything other than a rifle. I also don't like violence and try to avoid it at all costs, it's part of my spiritual path.

I have chronic pain and am not afraid of feeling pain or administering pain in self defense, that's not the problem. If I had to, I would probably gauge the person's eyes out and not stop....it's not a matter of fear in that regard. I mean I told hubby today, it's a good thing I'm not making voodoo dolls....I believe thoughts are very strong things...entities unto themselves and I don't want to "feed" this thing.

One of my issues is that I am afraid of myself feeling this way and want to know how to supersede these feelings of I'm going to kick her a** and how to stop focusing on her drama.

@ Operation - I like the idea of looking at my anger/frustration as a separate object/person. Acceptance without giving in.

This year has been full of opportunities not to strike back and "get even." I think I've had a little more than my share and feel a bit overwhelmed with other people's drama and barbs lately. So many times hubby has said, just tell this person this, tell them that...etc...and I still don't. Instead, I removed those people from my life that were being totally unreasonable and abusive.

In this case, I can't remove her or myself except mentally.....and that's my goal.

Thanks for the ideas/support/feedback.

So are you asking how to deal with potential threats of violence or to deal with your anger?


I dont know man, coming from an ex-very angry guy, its an ongoing process and when the day I came I hardly noticed when I stopped getting angry. I had to change my work environment I think, which helped. But yeah.. i dont know man.. like my friend was drunk last night, yelled at a cab, and the driver started threatening him, when clearly my friend was as drunk as he can get without falling over... you being the sober driver, wouldnt you just..understand that... but no... he had such a big ego issue that he had to swing his car around and act tough to the stumbling, actually rather sitting on his ass eating a pizza drunk guy.

When you get 2 monkies together threatening each other, bigging themselves up, tossing their ego around.. i dont know man.. its just the most ridiculous thing to watch now, and when its directed towards me my first reponse isnt anger, its more like disbelief "is this guy for real? HUH!?"

Because the key thing there is anger is a REACTION, and its really up to your programming of sorts. Man thats a long topic, the nature of anger.

I'll tell you one thing that helped me since your into meditation and stuff... I used to never and still hardly ever actually look up philosophy, i just go my own way. But one day i really wanted the anger to go away, i searched on the internet "Anger Buddhism"... I found several pages long but it was pretty much structured around the quote "don't hate the stick that beats you"... the person is the stick, the one controlling is there ignorance, their ego, lack of discipline, they are REACTING.

Anyways, i could go on about that one forever but i need some sleep dude but I had to comment.

Like someone else said, it would be good if you learned to fight but dont you think you'd be inviting that element in then? I plan to learn some fighting but all really dirty lethal stuff. Fighting is no game to me. You can't rely on someone just wanting to duke it out and thats it... if I knocked a guy down and hes down, thats it... i cant guarantee they'd do the same for me.. kick out my teeth etc.. Any rules in fighting are a made up fantasy. Its 2 stupid monkeys wailing on each other because of their insecurities. Which is the absurdity, if they were so tough like they think they are for trying to fight you, they'd be able to take a blow to their ego without starting fights.

So one again though, if your talking about how to just calm down, like i said you may find some neat perspectives in buddhism, its a learning process and takes a change in your personality and perspective, to truly fear nothing, its hard not being happy all the time if you can get to that state. I don't fear physical death, only physical pain, and thats getting a lot less. It takes a lot to intimidate me these days.

You'll figure it out.

reply to post by goobgirl


When I am being pushed in a direction where I may get angry I always turn the game around.
For about 10 years I moonlighted as a bouncer at one of my hangouts.
Actually I ran the karaoke show 2 nights and worked security 1 or 2 nights a week.
But when confronted with an aggressive individual I would ask if they planned on hurting this old man and if so I would like time to put on some padding as I may break a hip. When that did not work I alluded to the fact it would be embarrassing to be pounded by a geriatric individual. I am not so old I am 40 but the average bar goer was 21ish brand new to big world stupidity.
On some individuals if I knew they needed a beating I would up the ante by speaking in a condescending tone towards them, (like a father to his baby girl) I would use offensive words such as sweetheart and pumpkin.
It is an absolute hoot to see a big guy respond to hey pumpkin.
I always have said cool heads will prevail and low and behold I never ended up on the wrong end of a fight.
So I guess I keep my cool by making the opponent boil.
I use light side energy and they use dark, then I go all Obi-Wan.

reply to post by goobgirl
Yes, I had someone going to do something to me, but I did nothing, I could of hurt them, but I just did nothing, and the person did it all to their self.

Maybe best thing, lett them beat you up, then sue them, that would really hurt.

Most the time when someone attacks me they just seem to trip on their own feet, and fall down in front of me, so I don't even get chance to beat them up, or get beat up.

What could you of done to person, or are they just nut job, can't you beat person on differnt level to defuse problem.

This sound like school yard problem, but it seems they do carry over to adulthood, can't we ever really get out of the school yard mentality.


That eye gouge things is way out there, you seem to have alot of violence in you, that could be part of problem we reap what we sow.
I myself am nonviolent, though I am trained to do great damage to people, I don't, I tend to stop the fools fighting.


[edit on 25-7-2010 by googolplex]

reply to post by goobgirl
If this person is violent don't hesitate to defend yourself. First thing I do is try to stay calm and leave any emotions behind. Don't take anything personally, ever. This has helped me a great deal. Remember we are all one, we all have to deal with different problems in life, we're not perfect, and we all make mistakes. If you're the religious type, say a prayer for that person. Ask god to help them overcome. Think of that person and "send" positive feelings of love and tranquility. Sounds new age but sometimes it works to get the person to stop hating you. Second, if you're holding in stress this won't work. Find a positive outlet for it in sports.

Yes, my main concern and issue was more about how to control my emotions than how to protect myself. The situation has become too much a part of my life. I have asked for the universe to give the woman understanding and peace. The issue arose from several misunderstandings, but it's too far gone for me to explain it to her that things she thinks I did, I didn't do. She won't believe anyhow. I did nothing intentional, but she blames me (and my husband) for some things in her life.

To the comment about gauging out her eyes, I said if I had to....to defend myself. Yes, there is some anger, mostly arising out of fear. I believe I was a warrior in a past life. I have dreams about using knives and daggers and I have lots of skill in these dreams, lol. However, in my waking life I hate knives being used close to me.

I don't want to build up the drama, or fuel her anger, but she has gone out of her way to try to hurt me and that scares me. When I say I'm nonviolent, that is for the most part true. I remove insects from my watering pail, I don't eat animals or animal products, I work very hard on not hurting people even when they hurt me. I felt guilty this summer about putting japanese beetles into soapy water when they were eating my vegetable plants. Slugs I don't kill, just throw into a different part of the yard. My hubby states that sometimes killing these insects is good for them because they move onto a different form of life (who really wants to be a fly??) But I hate to do it...I don't want to be the person who decides. I literally broke down into sobs earlier this year when I accidentally killed a possum on the road at night. Yep, I'm a sucker for Life.

Probably the worst area of violence in my life is my words....I defend myself with sarcasm, learned after a lifetime of living with the family I had growing up. These are shadow aspects of myself I am trying to come to grips with.

The woman has dug her own hole so to speak with her actions. I have avoided her as advised by the police but she has ignored their warnings.

I think talking about it here has helped me deal with the emotions. I haven't written about it or talked to really anyone in that much detail about how I feel other than my husband.

I follow a spiritual path that teaches meditation, nonviolence, service to others. It's not Buddhism but derives from Indian (east indian) spiritual practices. I ask my spiritual teacher for assistance in deflecting her anger and controlling mine. I read passages of spiritual texts to help me. I do believe that we are all One and hurting another is the same as hurting yourself. I also pray and ask that any spiritual beings that may be guiding the woman to try to intervene.

This person is very base and will never stop hating me, I believe, not in this lifetime. She acts poorly to those she supposedly "loves." So I think it's just another lesson for me. How to overcome hate, not to give in to it, not to react with anger. Thanks for all your insights.