Sacrifice or Transcend? Male body, female brain, need advice

Sacrifice or Transcend? Male body, female brain, need advice

I need your help from your wisdom. Please bare with me while I jot down what is on my mind here.

An infinite realm of chaos and an unbreakable thread of order to balance that realm seems to define my very existence. Overwhelmed in thought and visions too often, I'm left with the inability to stay focused from one minute to the next in this lifetime. This is major depressive disorder.

A duality or actually a trinity of reality is my conscious awareness. Realities beyond just the 3 dimensions of space have been of no surprise to me, but have been felt more like home or of such familiarity. This planet Earth obviously isn't my origin, yet said to be born naturally here.

I remember being around ages of 3-5 and praying and begging to god to change me. I look back now, and wonder what was going through my head to know the difference cause I didn't really know until 5 years later about sex. I just remember not wanting to be a boy, and crying in the shower.

That memory just suddenly popped into my mind from being long forgotten about until I read this post.

It doesn't surprise me now about the scissors. Between 3-5, I didn't use scissors but I had a some plastic object like a cap trying to hide/get-rid of it.

Why did I do that???

30 years later. I have flashbacks of being somebody else from time before birth.... very femme. Today, I remember everything what it is like to be totally femme, yet I'm still in a male body.

I realize now that by the time I was 10 that those memories of being 3-5 and doing that weren't ever thought about. I think I pretty much grew up as a straight male, married right out of high school, kids, divorced, and more girlfriends.

Either I chose to sacrifice being who I really am to be born, or I have been seriously screwed with genetically and hormonally. Today, everything about me wants to be femme, but my friends that see me don't consider me gay or treat me gay, but they don't look at me worried to see me as purely femme. I've told a few about some physical changes that have happened like a natural gender change, which is not unheard of at this age.

My life has been full of opportunity and more than what any guy could ask for, yet I've certainly had my challenges I can't solve. Major depressive disorder has been my main disability.

My mother had a miscarriage before me, as my mom said I was suppose to be Joanette. That would be after my ancestor's daughter. My ancestor's name in the 1400's was Jacques D'Arc, who raised his daughter in Lorraine, France. She led the French army against the English and into victory. She was only 19 years old when she took command. I'm sure you know the the more famous version of her being burned at the stake after she was kidnapped and accused of being a heretic, the story of Joan of Arc.

I may a hard-core scientist that doesn't believe in faith and doesn't believe in theory, yet my spirituality is strong within my trinity of conscious realities, and belief I am alive and that our existence is infinite is what kept me open minded too anything – unconditionally. That doesn't mean my footsteps here in this sand aren't steps to do all and reveal all knowledge of time immemorial. This is sacred.

Today, my dilemma is something I can find in that sacredness. Do I continue to sacrifice myself as be as a male until a normal lifetime death, or do I take measure now to steps to transcend and change my body, surgically, to be female as much as possible. I know today's doctors don't have the technology to make my body femme, so female is at least a step away from being something I know I'm really not – male. Even a psychological test revealed female brain.

Male body, female brain, very femme spirit. I'm sure I would be less depressed just having a female body, to actually wear the fashions I paste all over my facebook wall, to be like them in the artwork,... and... "The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in."

The truth hurts. “My eyes have even seen the Sun bleed over, the Rose rise, and the Lotus choked the flower -- in this Silence, I believe...” ... I am not suppose to be male. I would continue to on my own to sacrifice out of mere hope, yet my once broken wings have been healed... Mother Earth's wind carries me back alive again and again no matter how many times I've given up or died... each time she asks me "why?"... there is no easier way to explain these signs.

How?

Hiyah Dzonatas,

Im sorry I cant really offer much advice or wisdom here,
But you were "stuck" into that body at this time for a reason.
To learn a lesson of some kind perhaps,
Maybe you havent learned it yet..
and perhaps you have...
if you have... I think the Universe would naturally "allow" or make happen, your need/want to be in a body that fits your soul.

Im sorry if i make no sense ( it's not uncommon) lol

I really just wanted to post because I felt that you were a beautiful , seeking soul, and wanted to bump your post closer to the top,
and say that i love you..
no matter what kind of 'vehicle' you are currently journeying around in.

Dzonata I'm a firm believer in god and think that if he wanted you to be a girl that's what you would have been . By all means embrace your feminine side but going thru very painful surgery to change who you were born as just isn't the way(imo).

Personally I would recommend a diet high in fruits as it has been theorized that fruit is the food which most approximates neural transmitters(By Linus Pauling 2 time Nobel peace prize winner). It is also theorized in the book Left in the dark that fruit is our natural food and our move to cooked grains has greatly changed the activity of our hormones for the worst (www.kaleidos.org.uk...).

Now I'm not saying that fruit will make you feel anymore like a man or even change anything for that matter but i definitely think its worth a try before you go thru with such a drastic surgery, if anything it will give you a clearer head to think on the decision .

Take this info as you may but its just what I personally would suggest, if you strongly feel this is what you need in your life(the operation) by all means do it. But just remember there is no going back and I've personally known a man who has done this and really regretted it

reply to post by dzonatas


I am sorry for your suffering - but why do you say that doctors cannot help you?

Doctors have helped a lot of people who were in the wrong bodies.

Why not go ahead and do it?

At least you may end up happier than you are now.

Knowing many transgendered folk (although I am a genetic female myself), I do have a bit of advice.

Understand first that if you suffer from depression now, you will still suffer from depression after a major life change such as this. Unfortunately, while such a choice should not impact the rest of your life such as your career, it almost assuredly will. People can be very small minded and will inflict their own gender fears on you, right or wrong. You will be trading one set of problems for another, but it may be worth it. Only you will know that. This may be the right thing for you, but make sure that you have separated the effects of your depression and the desire to simply change your life from what it is now, from a change in gender. This one is hard to take back.

However, people do make this choice every day and would do so again in a heartbeat. And they choose a wide variety of ways to do it, from taking hormones and cross-dressing in regular life up to a full surgical change. I would seriously consider testing the waters as it were, in this manner. I would also get out and network, joining transgendered websites and even better, social groups/clubs and ask people for their experiences. If you approach them with respect, many will be happy to speak with you.

This might indeed be the most authentic expression of who you are. For you to have the greatest chance of success, I would seriously consider moving to a metropolitan area where the prejudices you will encounter will be minimized and the number of similar people can help support you in your chosen path. San Francisco is the one place I am thinking of, but New York and maybe Portland might also be possibilities. Additionally, most surgical change programs require a certain amount of counseling before hand, so you might as well find someone w/ some experience in this arena and talk it through now.

One thought experiment for you. If you could find tomorrow, the perfect partner (man or woman) who accepted you exactly as you are now, would you still feel the need to physically change the outsides? If the answer is no, I might suggest that what you really need to do is find someone exactly like that (again, more probable in an SF type of area). I've met many extremely happy , non traditional couples that met this description. If the answer is still yes, then perhaps that is your answer right there.

Read memoirs, and everything you can on the reality of gender re-assignment surgery. And when you KNOW you are ready, wait for a little longer, then go for it. My rule on tattoos is that I have to have settled on a design and placement for at least a year before applying the ink. I would think something like this would require an even longer period of positive clarity before submitting to the knife.

I wish you only the best. You seem a beautiful soul, and I hope you find peace and the joy of being simply who you are. Happy new year, may it bring you everything you need.

reply to post by DeathTribble


Wouldn't it be better to at least get the body and gender that you feel you are?

Surely that would be a step in the right direction.

Thank you for crediting my post and taking my advice Dzonatas!

So much to go through there, ...

There's nothing wrong with being a feminized male, just as there are masculine females.

i think the question you should be asking is, do I want to be with males or females ?? because you would be surprised how many men end up getting gender reassignment surgery, and then end up dating or marrying another woman. So they go from being a gay male, to being a lesbian female.

So yeah, dig deep, find which sex really attracts you. But take your time, because once your lil partner's gone, .... there ain't no going back.

reply to post by dzonatas

I need your help

May I ask you to read this post? I believe you will find it relevant to your situation.

Even if the method described doesn't work externally, I can assure you that it will do fantastic things for your mental state. And I'm guessing that feeling femme is more important to you than others perceiving you as such.




[edit on 2-1-2010 by LordBucket]

I appreciate the response above and please don't hesitate to add more.

One question I can pull out from a few posts above is about relationships, and how I see myself with others.

First, let me note my inner voice. This voice has always sounded female to me and not hard at all for me to sing inside with a complete femme voice. I don't try to sound this way, this is just me being natural. It is sad I can't get my mouth/voice to sound the way I sound inside. The expressions are never the same, as what I intend to come out comes out different. Think of your life speaking constantly through a voice changer and that's what it feels like. I'm not sure even if doctors could change this. I don't speak from my chest like, like males do, like puberty didn't hit the last bottom notch in tone to take the voice from the throat. At the height of natural hormone rushes, my outer voice deepens, of course. Otherwise, my outer voice fails me, too soft to get the deeper tones out unless I remind myself to constantly stress effort into my throat to raise the pitch. *rollseyes*

Do I think questions like "would I date another male now before change" are fair? Let me ask you, do femmes prefer to only see male body on male body relationships? It may appear as one takes on a female role, but it's certainty is not femme. "It's an exit only!" I'm not 'confused' about this. Do I see and feel myself in my dreams as female with another male, yes. I can't just ask myself "would I think of that" like if it means I'll accept myself to act a certain way in this body now because the answer is always "yes I would think of that" no matter what body I have. My dreams are unconditionally whatever they want to be -- my mind thrives on the chaos in order to avoid any moment of utter boredom.

However! You probably wouldn't believe how many straight males have asked to marry me. Again, this me not trying except for just being me. If you don't know what this is like, then you don't know what it is like to honestly have to explain, or to think of how to avoid situations like this, or how to keep going as friends after they hit on me. On the other hand, males that first perceive me as male, then notice my femme attitude, they usually b1tch at me of how I should act and then don't want anything to do with me. It gets worse when my ex's say they want a "real" man... but only to poison the wells further in front of other men. I'm only jealous of the companionship and not because of anything she thinks is more man, but it makes her man feel more man.

I have had avatars all my life, but only in the last 5 years have I made it a point to just not say anything about my gender. Otherwise, I don't act any different. I don't try to fool anybody. I changed from a male to female avatar because I got tired of looking at a male ass all day when it's on my screen. One girl convinced me to change back for awhile last year and I just got more depressed, so never again... femme only.

I think I would be less depressed if I could just get rid of it and all libido torture that has goes with it. Just take the testorone makers aways, the dangling thing, make it so I can still pee, and its a step away from being someone I'm not.

Fruit? I think giving up meat more than 10 years ago started to allow me to feel more like myself.

Originally posted by LordBucket
May I ask you to read this post? I believe you will find it relevant to your situation.

Right this moment, if I pass my hands over my chest without touching my skin, there is a "soul" silhouette felt. I've known about this for awhile and it is absolutely nerve racking. The silhouette is not male. This is real cruetly. This silhouette is what my mind constantly in-visions when I don't look in the mirror. Science can't prove this now, so any related pain can only be described as people who have had lost limbs and still feel as if there leg is there.

I don't know what else to explain about this except that I'm conscious in more than one reality. Just this male body is the last thread that holds me to this reality.

It's bad enough when I'm in the mindset of the silhouette at those moments I totally forget about or can't feel the male body. I have to remind myself that's there is this... *sigh*... sacrifice.

[edit on 2-1-2010 by dzonatas]

Originally posted by Ahmose

I appreciate your response. (I'll try to respond to each post everybody made.)

But you were "stuck" into that body at this time for a reason.

The thought that is "stuck" in my head is that it isn't wanted.

To learn a lesson of some kind perhaps,

One's man's garbage is... another (wo)man's gold...

Maybe you havent learned it yet..

Can't teach anybody the things they always have known.

and perhaps you have...

The strongest love anybody needs to keep is the love for themselves and never let anybody come between you and your love for yourself. Those who can't even love themselves can't love anybody else.

if you have... I think the Universe would naturally "allow" or make happen, your need/want to be in a body that fits your soul.

Maybe it's a conspiracy to force people to be of a certain sex, and then make them get married, and then make them get divorced. It is a way to force slavery. The conspirators know exactly what marriages are going to "naturally" fail when one parent wants the other parent to be real. The court already knows who to take the kids away from. They don't prove anything, they just do. The tell the kids any "emotional" response from the parent is a "threat." Then they tell the non-custodial parent to "slave away," while an agency takes all the money based on some purely fictional amount to be garnished. The money doesn't all go to the custody parent. Ever wonder why those agencies never get audited to make sure money taken from one parent is exactly the money paid to the other parent? It never is.

I'm positive the Universe neither decided to "allow" Parental "Alienation" Syndrome nor turn it into a weapon of slavery, but that doesn't mean the Universe "denied" it.


[edit on 2-1-2010 by dzonatas]

reply to post by SmokeyDawn

For other's consideration I'm going to repeat my thoughts in the U2U....
Could this be a "bleed-over" from his past life experiences as a female??
Like how so many people's phobias have been found to be??

absolutely it could be,
that was one of my first thoughts as well.

Firstly, you aren't "stuck", not so long as there exists the medical capability to change.

My neighbor went from "Paul" to "Paula" at age 57. Romantically he still preferred females, so he essentially became a lesbian.

He always dressed in kahki's and oxford cloth shirts. After the surgery, he still did, but wore earrings, nail polish, and a few other cosmetics along with them. She looked nice. She was a very successful business-person, and maintained this after the surgery. Her business associates never even mentioned it. I would fumble at times with the "s/he", Paul/Paula (forgetting), and she would toss her short hair and laugh. Didn't care.

He had been married at one time, and divorced, but always remained good friends with his ex-wife. He said he had always wanted to make the transition, and seemed happier after he did.

It's just a matter of what you really want. Otherwise, what difference does it make? It's you. It's only about you, as far as this is concerned. Everybody has the right to be comfortable in their own skin.

reply to post by Rawhemp


You mentioned grains, but do you think this includes all starch related mixes?

How to go from a vegetarian to a fruitarian diet? It's not easy when there is no luxury to by fresh fruit constantly. This is the main reason why people stay vegetarian because veganism becomes a costly luxury. The most cost-effective fruitarian diet I found is to buy large quantities of powders. They usually contain herbs, too. They have all essential vitamins and minerals, so it is possible to live off a powdered drink. Otherwise, mostly readily available fruit is too much citrus, which has/can burn, if ate every meal. I'm open to suggestions to derive from this.

do a cleanse
( i reccommend a 4 day water-only fast)

while doing so
remove all vices.. but only after coming to terms with WHY they cause you suffering in the long run.

if you do any of the following stop them... smoking.. CAFFIENE... any other stimulants
eat sugar in MODERATION

form an ALKALINIZING diet..for a few months then balance it out to 60% alkalinizing 40% acidifying foods.

exercise and stay hydrated.

sound like health-nut stuff?

sounded like that to me when i was reccommended it.

it will relieve you from so many things...
and your body will produce naturally existing endorphins to take care of your mood and stabilize your attention and focus.

or.. you can pass on this and let your suffering keep compounding on itself ... i guess we all have our breaking points.. maybe you've reached yours.. maybe you havent....

i think alot of your questions will have answers com naturally once you clear up your body/mind chemistry...

good luck

-

reply to post by TaraLou


Bottomline, I need to transcend. It's a matter of when and how.

I feel hormonal poisoned, so even if a step is taken then there is still intoxicated leftovers. I doubt if pieces of me is strong enough.

I've been pretty strong too handle MDD, but I've started to relapse. My heart stopped yesterday. I'm pretty sure if I was still an avid meat eater, I'd be dead. It's not like a heartattack, it just stops and I feel like I can't breath no matter how much breath I take. Usually, I pump my lungs hard and it goes again. Doctor had me stop anti-depressents awhile ago because they caused that to happen up to 4 times an hour. I'm not scared of this, and usually I have a pretty solid will to just live.

Yesterday though, I was like "let me go because I died naturally" like I questioned "why" my heart started again. Had a major headache last night. Today, I can't even break through family law issues anymore to even think GRS is even possible.

I haven't been in a smiley mood at all for awhile. Only thought I could think to even think was ironic was to sue the mothers of my children for GRS money since they "proved" me to be not even father worthy, and that should mean they take full responsibility since they don't even try to get the kids to see me. They hang up on me when I call. *bites lips*. My missing kids haven't been found for 3 years. I can still count on one hand the number of mothers to my children. It's just more proof I'm really not male, and I really didn't mean to fool anybody in those relationships.

I'm just a stupid girl that finally realized way too late... wrong body. That memory of my childhood

reply to post by dzonatas

Bottomline, I need to transcend. It's a matter of when and how.

Ok. So then what is it you want from us? Permission? You have it. Acceptance? Definitely. Understanding? Well, you read my account.

We love you and accept you and we acknowledge your soverieign right to be the person you choose to be.

even if a step is taken then there is still intoxicated leftovers.

Which is more important to you: being female, or being not male? Is it a desire to be who you feel you truly are, or is it a desire to escape from something you feel you are not?

girl that finally realized way too late... wrong body

This is something you've been dealing with your entire life. So you probably don't really need to listen to anyone suggest that you "think about it before acting." Of course you've thought about it. Every day for the past 30 years.

So do what you need to do.

We will accept you.

Originally posted by SmokeyDawn
Thank you for crediting my post and taking my advice Dzonatas!

Originally posted by LordBucket
Which is more important to you: being female, or being not male? Is it a desire to be who you feel you truly are, or is it a desire to escape from something you feel you are not?

Can't destroy Him even if it is important for me to have a female body.

This is part of why I don't know how, so it was never about permission.

I think other acceptance of me being female brain and male body as like two separate being is the best way. I don't feel multiple personality, but more like a symbiotic association/dissociation.

Being hormonally poisoned could have been the cause to upset the natural symbiotic match between body and brain. Therefore a separation of being occurred because a natural blend didn't occur due to mixmatch cell hormones. Probably most people that have a natural symbiotic match between body and brain just aren't aware of the distinction in feel like me. I can judge that simply by how people say "just get it done." The immediate thought the comes to me mind is "can't kill him." And, I'm surprised not many others thought this.

If you were aware your body was the opposite sex and felt alive to you but separate, would you just kill it so you can be?