Sacrifice or Transcend? Male body, female brain, need advice
I need your help from your wisdom. Please bare with me while I jot down what is on my mind here.
An infinite realm of chaos and an unbreakable thread of order to balance that realm seems to define my very existence. Overwhelmed in thought and
visions too often, I'm left with the inability to stay focused from one minute to the next in this lifetime. This is major depressive disorder.
A duality or actually a trinity of reality is my conscious awareness. Realities beyond just the 3 dimensions of space have been of no surprise to me,
but have been felt more like home or of such familiarity. This planet Earth obviously isn't my origin, yet said to be born naturally here.
I remember being around ages of 3-5 and praying and begging to god to change me. I look back now, and wonder what was going through my head to know
the difference cause I didn't really know until 5 years later about sex. I just remember not wanting to be a boy, and crying in the shower.
That memory just suddenly popped into my mind from being long forgotten about until I read
It doesn't surprise me now about the scissors. Between 3-5, I didn't use scissors but I had a some plastic object like a cap trying to hide/get-rid
Why did I do that???
30 years later. I have flashbacks of being somebody else from time before birth.... very femme. Today, I remember everything what it is like to be
totally femme, yet I'm still in a male body.
I realize now that by the time I was 10 that those memories of being 3-5 and doing that weren't ever thought about. I think I pretty much grew up as
a straight male, married right out of high school, kids, divorced, and more girlfriends.
Either I chose to sacrifice being who I really am to be born, or I have been seriously screwed with genetically and hormonally. Today, everything
about me wants to be femme, but my friends that see me don't consider me gay or treat me gay, but they don't look at me worried to see me as purely
femme. I've told a few about some physical changes that have happened like a natural gender change, which is not unheard of at this age.
My life has been full of opportunity and more than what any guy could ask for, yet I've certainly had my challenges I can't solve. Major depressive
disorder has been my main disability.
My mother had a miscarriage before me, as my mom said I was suppose to be Joanette. That would be after my ancestor's daughter. My ancestor's name
in the 1400's was Jacques D'Arc, who raised his daughter in Lorraine, France. She led the French army against the English and into victory. She was
only 19 years old when she took command. I'm sure you know the the more famous version of her being burned at the stake after she was kidnapped and
accused of being a heretic, the story of Joan of Arc.
I may a hard-core scientist that doesn't believe in faith and doesn't believe in theory, yet my spirituality is strong within my trinity of
conscious realities, and belief I am alive and that our existence is infinite is what kept me open minded too anything – unconditionally. That
doesn't mean my footsteps here in this sand aren't steps to do all and reveal all knowledge of time immemorial. This is sacred.
Today, my dilemma is something I can find in that sacredness. Do I continue to sacrifice myself as be as a male until a normal lifetime death, or do I
take measure now to steps to transcend and change my body, surgically, to be female as much as possible. I know today's doctors don't have the
technology to make my body femme, so female is at least a step away from being something I know I'm really not – male. Even a psychological test
revealed female brain.
Male body, female brain, very femme spirit. I'm sure I would be less depressed just having a female body, to actually wear the fashions I paste all
over my facebook wall, to be like them in the artwork,... and... "The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them
The truth hurts. “My eyes have even seen the Sun bleed over, the Rose rise, and the Lotus choked the flower -- in this Silence, I believe...” ...
I am not suppose to be male. I would continue to on my own to sacrifice out of mere hope, yet my once broken wings have been healed... Mother Earth's
wind carries me back alive again and again no matter how many times I've given up or died... each time she asks me "why?"... there is no easier way
to explain these signs.